I’ve finally integrated the many snippets of research the True History of WMR Campaign has been putting together over the years into one, easily readable document. Anytime we here at the Campaign come across more WMR legends, facts, or sources, we’ll be updating there! Exciting!
For instance, here’s Robert the Bruce and WMR during their most recent battle over the title of World’s Most Powerful Cyborg:
Rough draft of a graphic novelization of the life of WMR drawn and written by James Fox
I’m not sure if I was the only one obsessed with the Lost Colony of Roanoke as a kid. I found the entire thing extremely eerie, especially since I would stop listening or reading when they got to the theories about Native American attack or Spanish attack or relocation to some other part of the East coast. As a child, I firmly believed that an entire colony of people had just mysteriously vanished without a trace, possibly into some other dimension, like they had slipped too close to the edge space between Life and Death and fallen through. Or something. Whatever, I was a weird kid. Later I decided Lawrence Stager’s theory about cannibals was maybe the most ridic and therefore the most credible.
Anyway, my childhood ambition is ABOUT TO BE FULFILLED! No, not the one where I become a mailman. I am going to solve the mystery of the Lost Colony of Roanoke! As we speak, I am on the Outer Banks, tirelessly searching for clues. I realize that generations of fellow archeologists and crack pots have come before me, but I have one thing they don’t have: a belief in time travel. Armed with that, it should be way easy. Even easier than the time I solved the murder of Merriweather Lewis (the butler did it). So far, here is my list of time traveling suspects on this case:
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Today, for various reasons out of my control and in disregard of my endlessly voiced opinions to the contrary, I got a class ring. Despite the extravagance and the entirely false appearance of class and/or institutional pride, it does have two pluses on its side:
1. It intimidates my engagement ring, which was becoming too full of itself anyway and
2. It allows me to dramatically throw my hand in the air and summon William Marsh Rice, university founder and World’s Most Powerful Cyborg at will.
This image of William Marsh Rice brought to you by the True History of William Marsh Rice Campaign and the Woodson Research Center.
I haven’t tried it yet, but youtube research (my favorite kind of research) suggests this is true. Observe:
Legend has it that, instead of shouting the names of elements to a catchy 80s beat, ring bearers must shout the names of each of the nine colleges. Only then will William Marsh Rice appear in the university’s hour of greatest need.
In reality, you’d probably be much better off shouting the brand names of the finest single malt Scotches, and then running away, because when WMR appears and sees that you don’t actually have any, he is going to be pissed off. Although less ideological, this power can still be used as an effective weapon since Rice will inevitably take revenge by smashing anything in a one-mile radius with his own head. Which is why I can’t prove this to you with things like pictures since I’m pretty sure it would void my lease.
THE POWER IS YOURS!!
On a totally unrelated note,
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Little known fact: I am an expert at Rice University history. Not only does John Boles recognize me on sight (as someone he should nod to; it’s unclear whether he knows my name) but I once wrote a totally historically accurate, based on a true story, completely not made up play about William Marsh Rice’s buried gold, which some freshmen then grudgingly performed. Also, I may have been peripherally involved in the True History of William Marsh Rice Campaign that The Man and Wikipedia clearly don’t want you to know about. Therefore, having listed my impressive credentials, I think we can all agree that I mean serious business when it comes to Rice history.
So I expect you to take me totally seriously when I claim that it has become clear in recent weeks that Edgar Odell Lovett was actually a ninja.
Unlike some of my seemingly wild claims that then have turned out to be eerily accurate (re: Jason Hawley has embezzled all of Wiess’ money to diamond-encrust his lap top, the Servery will one day have cheesesticks etc.) I have some actual, photographic evidence for this, and it is as follows:
As modeled by me in the Woodson Research Center Basement/Ninja Training Room
Basically, it’s a really long bamboo pole. At least ten or fifteen feet. Supposedly it was used for pole vaulting back in the very beginning of Rice Institute and then Lovett’s son used it as a banister in his house for awhile. I mean, we’ve all been there. At a track and field meet, when you see the pole vaulting poles lying on the ground and suddenly think: “You know what that would make? One sweet banister!”
OR he was actually trying to disguise the bamboo pole, to cover the evidence that Edgar Odell Lovett had actually used it daily in his secret career as a ninja. Everyone knows he went to Japan on his world tour of universities before starting Rice! But was it really to meet the Japanese Minister of Education… OR TO TRAIN AS A HIGHLY SKILLED ASSASSIN???
Don’t believe me? To quote an anonymous archivist within the Woodson Research Center: “Edgar Odell Lovett was definitely a ninja. But don’t quote me on that.” What more evidence do you need?
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