The world would be a better place if we made more pie. If you don’t believe me, it’s possible that you’ve never actually had pie, not good pie. More than once I’ve served someone pie only to have them exclaim in surprise “This is good! Usually I don’t like pie, especially the crust. I just scrape the filling out and eat that by itself.” This, my sadly deprived friend, is because you’ve probably never had pie crust. You’ve had those terrible cardboard shells you can buy in the grocery store freezer. Maybe you’ve had the frozen plastic crust people can buy to “roll out themselves” as if that magically makes it homemade.
Don’t mistake me, I’m not Steven. I don’t want to grind my own flour or churn my own butter. I’m perfectly happy to buy things at the store instead of making them from scratch. Some things anyway. But pie crust should never be one of those things. It’s just not worth it. Really. I’ll prove it with a graph.
A PIE graph? Sorry
I find with cooking in general that enjoyment and work tend to have a direct relationship. Things you put some work into generally taste better than things you bought at, say, a drive-thru. But there is a point where this relationship peaks and suddenly the more work something is the less you enjoy it. Maybe you’re just too tired after all that cooking, or no cookie is really worth hours and hours of your time, no matter how tasty. That apex where enjoyment is maxed out is probably at different places for different people, so obviously I’m not suggesting everyone make a pie every week. But I am saying that if you’re using a frozen crust, the chances are you’re already doing the same amount of work as me, with way, way less enjoyment. Here are your pie options:
Buy a Pie: As you can see on the graph, buying a pie is no work for you! Yay! Unfortunately, store or restaurant bought pies can really vary. Just because you’re paying someone else money to make it doesn’t mean they’re any better than you re: using terrible frozen crust.
Buy a pie shell: To the pie novice, these seem so convenient. A lot of them come already in a crappy disposable pie tin! You just dump your filling in, and bake! Are you even making your filling yourself? If not, you basically just heated up canned bullshit and cardboard all for the sake of pretending to cook. Stop. Stop this right now. Either buy a pie, or learn how to actually cook, you monster.
Sorry, I get a little emotional about this. I’ve suffered too much at the hands of people who’ve offered me “homemade pie” only to be met with this travesty against tastebuds.
Of course, maybe you make your own filling because you are a proud baker! Good for you! But half your pie is still frozen cardboard. I think the problem is that a lot of people see the pie crust as just a vessel to serve the delicious filling. No! Pie crust is at least half of the pie experience, and should be given the same consideration. I don’t understand people who go to all the work of making a nice filling and then put it in something that is basically a soggy bowl. If that’s what you want, just make a crumble, god.
Buy frozen pie crust: These are more work than the pie shell and usually a little bit better quality. They’re sheets of pastry dough that you can roll out yourself to give you the illusion that it’s not cardboard and you’re totally rocking this cooking thing!
Except it still totally tastes like it. What are you doing with your life?
Make a pie crust: You can’t really say you “made” a pie unless you made the crust. It’s not just wrapping paper–it’s half the dessert. The reason people don’t is because they think it’s too much work. They put it more where I put “French Macaroons” on my Pie Graph–waaaaay too time consuming and finicky to ever be worth the effort. And if you’re a pie purist, that’s probably true. “Real” pie crusts involve cutting cold butter into flour until it’s a crumbly texture, which is pretty annoying because you’ve gotta make sure everything is just the right temperature and rolling it out can be tricky. Ugh, who has time for that?
You might be surprised to hear: definitely not me. Fear not, pie crust challenged! Today I will share with you the secrets of my success! My pie crust recipe may not be the fanciest or best, but it MAXIMIZES the work/enjoyment relationship. I’ve done the butter crust as a comparison, and can report back that the extra work doesn’t really make significant gains as far as enjoyment goes.
Plus, my recipe is so easy I once taught James Fox to do it over the phone. If you’ve ever played with Playdoh, I think you got this. It’ll probably take less than an hour, including preparing the filling. Let me show you how: Read the rest of this entry »
