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Sam Neill Update: Angst Edition

January 25th, 2012 by pladd

It feels like so long since we’ve talked about Sam Neill, you guys!! Maybe it’s taken me longer to get through these because they were all just so angsty (here’s a definition of that from a reputable source, dad). I guess Sam Neill is as much a victim of the post-holiday blues as anyone. Cheer up, Sam; I’m pretty sure you get to be a vampire in the next one! And not some lame sparkly one either!

Little Fish (2005)

I too was upset that it wasn't the Australian Finding Nemo

The Movie: Cate Blanchett is a recovering heroin addict trying to pull her life together, which is tough when she can’t get any loans due to her past history, and both her brother, ex-boyfriend, and Hugo Weaving keep trying to pull her back in. Everyone spends a lot of time being sad and staring at things thinking about the hopelessness of it all. Also, Hugo Weaving is the ex-lover of an Australian mob boss and can’t get over it, leading to a climactic ending involving guns and drug overdoses and swimming at the beach in your underwear.

The Character: Sam Neill is the Australian mob boss which means he has to share an awkward kiss with this man:

Would've been hotter if he still looked like Elrond

He’s okay, as far as mob bosses go. He threatens people and he has a fancy gun. My main issue was the fact that he dresses like a middle-aged stockbroker on a yacht at all times.

It's like the least intimidating outfit I can imagine

What I Learned: Sydney apparently has a “little Saigon” district with the largest Vietnamese community in Australia! Judging from this movie it is also rife with drug dealers and ambitious video rental stores.

Would I Watch Again? No, I could barely handle it the first time.

Plenty (1985)

Three years before a dingo ate her baby, Meryl Streep played an even crazier character in a Sam Neill movie! Sting, Gandalf, and Charles Dance were also there.

Thankfully this movie has 100% fewer awkward shorts scenes

The Movie: This movie incorporates a lot of unexplained and unmarked time skips, so I’m going to write my summary in a similarly confusing way. It’s WWII and Meryl Streep is a spy in France! Sam Neill is a newly arrived spy, and she gives him advice, then cries, then sleeps with him. He leaves without saying goodbye. Then some guy is dead and Charles Dance is an ambassador who has to deal. The corpse’s wife is Meryl Streep! Except she’s not really his wife, just his mistress. Now Charles Dance and Meryl Streep are making out and they’ve been dating for months. Meryl Streep’s BFF is a bohemian and Charles Dance hates the way they talk and like jazz music. Meryl Streep asks Sting to father a child with her because she wants a kid and doesn’t want to get married. Sting visits her with flowers because it’s apparently a year later and she’s still not preggers? Then she tries to shoot Sting (we’ve all been there). Charles Dance answers a phone and then rushes to a hospital. Meryl Streep turns around dramatically! Now Charles Dance is at a dinner party and says his wife will be right down! Bohemian BFF is coming downstairs in a fancy dress! J/k his wife is Meryl Streep who freaks out about the Suez Canal and makes everyone uncomfortable. Now Bohemian BFF is visiting some desert place! Charles Dance and Meryl Streep are there, and Meryl Streep is heavily sedated. Meryl Streep visits Gandalf to ask why her husband hasn’t been getting good ambassador assignments. She threatens to kill herself, then goes home and tears up the wallpaper. Meryl Streep is sleeping with Sam Neill again! Then she falls asleep and Sam Neill leaves! Wait–no, he finds his cufflinks she’s kept in her purse all these years! Okay, he covers her with a blanket and then leaves. The End.

Meryl Streep convincing Charles Dance that her crazy is endearing

The Character: Sam Neill is barely in this movie. We see him at the beginning jumping out of a plane and sleeping with Meryl Streep, and then at the end, sleeping with Meryl Streep. But, throughout all the crazy parts in the middle, she keeps his cufflinks in her purse and talks nonstop about how she misses the war because “you could meet people even just for a night that would change your life forever”.

Can you blame her?

Thing I Learned: Sting isn’t a terrible actor! What Ian McKellan looks like with black hair!

Would I Watch Again? Yes, backwards, to see if it makes more sense.

Angel (2007)

Once again, Netflix tricked me into thinking this was a historical romance.

At least the costumes lived up to their promise

The Movie: This movie follows the life of Angel Deverell, who starts out as a petulant and angsty grocer’s daughter and rises to become a petulant and angsty rich and famous novelist by writing the turn of the century equivalent of Twilight. She spends pretty much all of the movie acting like your worst memories of middle schoolers, refusing to change any part of her books, even for factual accuracy. She marries a painter she doesn’t understand because he’s hot, and he likes the fact that she’s rich. Then he goes off to fight in WWI, eventually returning with one leg to commit suicide. Only then does Angel discover that he had a mistress and child. She angsts and eventually dies, almost alone and forgotten.

But the hair and costumes were superb

The Character: Sam Neill plays Angel’s publisher, who sticks by her despite how annoying and crazy she is.

Sam Neill, trying to manfully put up with stuff

Later his wife accuses him of being in love with her, since almost everyone in this movie is in love with her, despite her screechy, petulant selfishness.

Thing I Learned: This book/movie was based on the life of real author Marie Corelli who was apparently way more popular than all of her now-famous contemporaries like H.G. Wells. She was once criticized as being “a woman of deplorable talent who imagined that she was a genius, and was accepted as a genius by a public to whose commonplace sentimentalities and prejudices she gave a glamorous setting”.

Would I Watch Again? Maybe for costume ideas!

Next: Rebel, Soldier, Godfather
Previously: Made for TV Movie Edition

Tagged: movie reviews, movies, sam neill

Posted in Sam Neill Marathon |

Sam Neill Update: Made For TV Movie Edition!

December 14th, 2011 by pladd

You know Sam Neill loves his made for TV movies. Also, this project is now 60% complete!!!

Snow White: A Tale of Terror (tv 1997)

The Movie: This is the story of Snow White but creepier and with better costumes! The dwarves are now an outlaw band of renegade miners (including one hot guy). Snow White’s name is Lilli, and the guy sent to kill her doesn’t so much take pity as gets tired of chasing her pathetically quickly. Also, the handsome prince is a handsome doctor! Steven and I debated the whole movie about whether Sigourney Weaver, the Evil Stepmom, was evil from the beginning or if Young Snow White drove her to it by being terrible. Either way, her creepy possessed mirror definitely commits at least one murder before she is even really married to Sam Neill so there’s that. But she seems to go really nuts after the stillbirth of her child, the heir Sam Neill wants so badly. A lot of her actions seem to be motivated by magically bringing it back to life.

As always, great choice in women, Sam Neill

The Character: Sam Neill plays Snow White’s dad. Unlike the fairy tale, he doesn’t die, but does suffer a bad accident which hurts his leg. Then Sigourney Weaver goes full on crazy, poisons(?) everyone in the castle, and hangs him upside down in the chapel to bleed him for some kind of dead-raising black sabbath. Luckily Snow White and her hot new outlaw miner BF arrive in time to save him! I was expecting his character to be somewhat bumbling and oblivious, but he was actually pretty normal.

Well, apart from his taste in clothing

What I Learned: Hot outlaw miners know way more about how to tell if people are really dead than hot doctors!

Would I Watch Again?: Probably not, unless it was to study the costumes, which were pretty awesome!

Forgotten Silver (TV 1995)

Netflix basically tricked me into watching this

The Movie: So this is actually a mockumentary, back when those were less common and Peter Jackson was way less famous. Apparently when it was first aired on TV people were pissed when they found out it was hoax. It was less over the top than other mockumentaries I’ve seen, so I get why they might have been confused. It follows the life of Colin McKenzie, a “forgotten” New Zealand filmmaker at the very birth of filmmaking in the early 20th century. It was actually pretty funny and interesting, tying the fake story in with real historical events and people.

The Character: Sam Neill actually plays himself, which is why this movie wasn’t originally on my spreadsheet. Netflix, which has finally seemed to detect the pattern underlying all of my recent movie selections, suggested it to me. Sam Neill is one of many real famous people who are interviewed to talk about their own experiences with Colin McKenzie’s work and what they think his affect has been on the film industry.

What I Learned: Richard Pearse, famous New Zealand aviator, may have beaten the Wright brothers into the air, although there is little proof besides some witness accounts. It’s easy to forget that lots of people all over the world were working on how to fly at the same time!

Would I watch again?: I think so. The fake black and white footage was pretty entertaining and the story it told, though fiction, was still interesting. Plus, it’s funny to imagine the hundreds of people totally believing all of it.

The Incredible Journey of Mary Bryant (TV 2005)

I couldn't go a whole post without watching something based on a true story

The Movie: Mary is a young, pregnant, starving thief who is sentenced to transportation to Australia at the very start of the New South Wales penal colony. Both the journey and conditions when they get there are looking pretty grim. Luckily Mary finds love with a hot smuggler, Will Bryant, and they get prison married! Jack Davenport is a young lieutenant virtually identical to his character in Pirates of the Caribbean in that he sticks to his ideals and then loses the girl of his dreams to someone who is hotter and looser in the moral department. Mary decides that this is no place to raise her children and organizes a crazy escape attempt, making it all the way to the Dutch Indies before being caught and sent back to England for trial. Luckily everyone loves her so she gets off!! Yay!!

Sam Neill mostly wears a lot of wigs

The Character: Sam Neill plays Arthur Phillip, the governor of the penal colony! He’s kind of a jerk in that when a massive night of rape breaks out, he says “Just let it run its course” and orders his men to protect the food. Another time, when confronted with violent natives, he commands one of his men to take his pants off “so that they can see we’re men, same as them. Otherwise they might think us women.”

It's the hair, Sam. And the shiny gold decorations

Previously: Space Edition!
Next: Angst Edition!

Tagged: movie reviews, movies, sam neill

Posted in Project Series, Sam Neill Marathon |

Sam Neill Update: Space Edition!

November 15th, 2011 by pladd

I didn’t plan it this way, but the last three Sam Neill movies I watched totally were all about space!!

The Dish (2000)

I was not really that excited about this movie from the description, but it turned out to be one of my new favorites!! I would unreservedly recommend it to pretty much anyone! It’s funny, sweet, and based on a true story!

Plus the cover reminds me of Black Sheep

The Movie: Back in 1969 when Apollo 11 was going to land on the moon, NASA decided to use a giant radio telescope in Australia to relay video and radio when the moon was on the that side of the world.

This thing

That’s at the Parkes Observatory, which is in the middle of a sheep farm. The movie follows the story of the men who work at the dish and the people in the town as they welcome NASA and US government officials, try to pretend like they know what they’re doing, and eventually save the day. Plus, Neil Armstrong walks on the moon! Since I wasn’t alive then, I’ve always pretty much taken that as a fact, something that happened in the past. But watching this movie really made me think about how freakin’ cool that is! Especially when you consider that it was 1969! At one point, there’s a power surge and Parkes loses the coordinates for the space craft. Rather than admit to NASA their mistake and risk losing face, they do some ridic chalkboard math, break out the slide rules, and start guessing until they find them again. Old school math for the win! There’s also some great moments when Parkes, desperate to impress the US ambassador, throws a gala and asks the teens in the local rock band to learn and play the US National Anthem. They proudly bust out the Hawaii 5-0 theme song, and no one but the US ambassador knows the difference. Later he graciously accepts their apologies with, “Sometimes I wish it was our national anthem.” Me too.

Sam Neill is tied for Best Scientist Outfit with the guy on the left

The Character: Sam Neill plays Cliff Buxton, the scientist in charge of the Parkes Observatory! He always dresses like he’s Mr. Rogers’ long lost brother and leads his ragtag team with a quiet dignity. He’s a little sad because of his dead wife, but still finds time to help Science Intern (green sweater) work up the courage to ask out Plucky Australian Love Interest, and keep the peace between Hot Head Australian Engineer/Scientist (shorts) and humorless NASA representative (suit). Plus he wants science to take this chance to be daring! Go science!!!!

What I Learned: This is based on a true story so I learned a lot about the world’s largest radio telescope! Apparently the scientists did actually ride it when it moved, although sadly did not play cricket on it like in the movie.

Would I Watch Outside of this Project?: So much yes!!! I really think this movie was very well done, funny but still having substance, and would appeal to genuinely almost anyone! It made me really happy.

Hyperspace (2001 TV miniseries)
When I just knew the title, I thought this was maybe a sequel to Event Horizon! Unfortunately, Sam Neill doesn’t cut anyone’s eyes out.

Apparently it was originally called "Space", but adding Hyper- doesn't make it more exciting

The Movie: This is a documentary about space. The Big Bang. How asteroids might cause our extinction if we don’t get on the ball. Some other things I fell asleep during. Sam Neill tells about the wonders of our universe while either walking around scenic landscapes or standing in front of computer animations. Sometimes both at the same time. And, okay, I can see how the CGI would have maybe been way cool in 2001, but at this point I knew most of the science already and the graphics weren’t too impressive. Except for about twenty-three seconds where Sam Neill turns into a bad CGI talking skeleton and it is THE SCARIEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN.

Like somehow more terrifying than when he was the Anti-Christ and a psychotic murderer combined

The Character: I once heard a rumor (possibly on IMDB) that Sam Neill turned down the part of Elrond in Lord of the Rings because he was too busy with Jurassic Park III. This made me sad, not just because I like watching Sam Neill movies, but also because Sam Neill has such a great Pronouncement of Doom voice. Elrond pretty much can’t order coffee without making it sound like the fate of the world hangs in the balance–TREAD SOFTLY YON BARISTA–and Sam Neill showed me in this documentary that he really can be that fatalistic and melodramatic. Not every facet of space science has to spell doom for humanity, Sam, but I can see why the producers thought it would be better if you made it seem that way.

What I Learned: “Next time someone asks you where you’re from, tell them you were born in space, made in a distant star.” Thanks, Sam. I so will.

Would I Watch Again?: No. Sorry, 2001.

Under the Mountain (2009)
This one is only space-related if you squint.

It's more about fire aliens fighting slug aliens with the help of twins who share one brain between them

The Movie: Theo and Rachel are twins and idiots! Steven and I spent most of this movie debating which one was more stupid, and I think we eventually decided on the boy! When they move in with their aunt and uncle in a town with seven volcanoes, they investigate their creepy neighbors who seem to be watching them and then reach out to a crazy homeless man for help. Surprise! That homeless man is actually an ancient alien with fire-teleport powers who came here to fight another race of ancient alien with slug-being gross powers! The bad aliens are mostly imprisoned under the volcanoes, but they are trying to get out! Luckily, he built some kind of magical weapon to fight them but his twin died before they could use them to destroy the bad aliens! And it has to be twins for some reason so now Theo and Rachel are Earth’s only hope! All they have to do is get to the top of the mountain and unleash their magic, but, because they have the attention span of three-year-olds after an all-night pixie stick binge, this is nigh impossible.

Sam Neill should not have to put up with this

The Character: Sam Neill plays Mr. Jones, the ageless fire-alien/vagrant, so he always looks vaguely sketchy. They also try to make me hate him a little bit, by implying that he’s tried this in the past (with two hotter and less stupid twins), but when one of them died he left the remaining one to his fate because “I had to survive to find more twins!” The current twins think this is monstrous, despite being completely tactically sound. Angry and freaked out, Theo runs off on his own, forcing Sam Neill to use the last of his fire powers to catch up to him with Rachel. Powerless, he is pretty much instantly defeated by the waiting Evil Alien Slug Guy.

I thought maybe Theo had chosen to join Team Bad Alien, but no, he was just really dumb

Basically, these are the slowest, most easily defeated aliens ever–they don’t even have spaceships! They get around in an aging hearse! But through the combined lethargy and melodrama of the “heroes” it takes an annoying ninety whole minutes. Plus, Sam Neill needlessly gets his face tentacled off. Thanks, Theo. I hate you.

What I Learned: In New Zealand, you tell the police the truth no matter what! Sam Neill is in the middle of explaining the plot to the twins when the police show up because apparently someone thought it was weird that some sketchy homeless guy was spending so much time with two teenagers. But, when taken to the station, both the twins and Sam Neill proceed to try to tell the police everything. Theo starts trying to show them the magical weapons (which look like rocks) and Sam Neill keeps saying things like “If you don’t release me, they’ll both die!” and explaining that aliens want to kill them all. Obviously this does not lead to their immediate release, to the surprise of no one but the man who isn’t human and the teenagers who may in fact be asparagus.

Would I Watch Outside of this Project?: This movie is new(ish), so the special effects are pretty special! Also, before Sam Neill explained the plot to us, I was actually really intrigued and a little freaked out by the creepiness of the neighbors. After discovering that the plot was kind of insane and the main characters were never going to get what was so desperately coming to them, it was still fun to watch in a hating kind of way. So I would give it a solid maybe.

Next: Peter Jackson is a big fake, Snow White’s Dad!
Previously: Husband, Rich Dude, “The Scorpion”

Tagged: movie reviews, sam neill, space

Posted in Project Series, Sam Neill Marathon |

Sam Neil Update: Husband, Rich Dude, “The Scorpion”

November 8th, 2011 by pladd

I watched all of these Sam Neill movies while sewing and doing other crafty things in preparation for my wedding!!

Irresistible (2006)

This movie wants you to think it’s a horror movie, but even I wasn’t scared. The creepy eye at the bottom of this poster is the scariest part.

The cover made me think Sam Neill was going to be an axe murderer

The Movie: Susan Sarandon has an awesome life with two precocious daughters, a loving husband, and a great job as an illustrator. Until the new girl at her husband’s work starts trying to steal her life! By wearing the same dress as her! And stealing her daughter’s toys! And giving her a creepy statue that’s secretly filled with bees! For most of the movie, it’s unclear whether Susan is just crazy or whether Emily Blunt really is the most abstract murderer ever. Then, after being totally discredited, Susan decides to sneak into Emily Blunt’s house one more time, discovers Emily is really her long-lost daughter she gave up for adoption, and then there’s a big fire. Everyone agrees that it’s really no one’s fault, but maybe it’s Susan’s fault a little for giving up her daughter when she got teen pregnant. Then flashbacks at the end reveal that Emily Blunt isn’t even Susan Sarandon’s daughter; she met the REAL long lost daughter at the orphanage, then killed her, and stole her life. The end!

The best way to get revenge on your estranged mom is to throw a party and then drunkenly dance with her!

The Character: Sam Neill plays Susan Sarandon’s husband, and I can’t tell if I’m supposed to like him or not. Of course, I do, since the natural reaction to your wife going completely, completely nuts is to keep her away from your freaked-out kids and try to encourage her to seek help. He’s a pretty cool architect who is all about pretty, solar-powered homes, which of course I like. He makes out with Emily Blunt a little bit, but then feels bad so of course I forgive him. I assume in the sequel to this movie he discovers that Emily is really the crazy one and dispenses some swift, New Zealand justice:

Here's Axe Sam again just because

What I Learned: If someone shows up to a party wearing the same dress as the hostess, the hostess is legally obligated to change clothes immediately. Emily Post Fact.

Would I Watch Without Sam Neill: Y’all, I could barely watch this WITH Sam Neill. It tries to be creepy with its suspenseful music and first person camera work, but literally the most freaked out I got was when the door to the pantry opened on its own. And not even because there was a ghost or someone hiding in it. They just really need to check those hinges. So, yeah, I was not really on the edge of my seat.

My Brilliant Career (1979)
This movie was based on a famous Australian novel of the same name! I’d never heard of it, of course.

This is the picture where her hair looks the least ridic, if you can believe it

The Movie: Sybylla grew up on her family’s small farm, until her wealthy grandmother decides to find her a decent husband. So, of course, there are the usual courtship hijinks until she meets rich Harry Beecham who falls madly in love with her because she says what she thinks and can swim. His family doesn’t like it, but screw them! Then Sybylla’s family decides to sell her services as a governess to some guy whom they owe money to, so she’s forced to go teach his kids on their dirt farm. It sucks. Then when she finally gets to leave and Harry finally comes and asks her to marry him she tells him she would make him unhappy and that he should go away, she’s going to be a famous writer! The last scene in the movie is her mailing off her manuscript. The End.

I spent most of the movie being freaked out by how different Young Sam Neill looks

The Character: Sam Neill is Harry Beecham, the rich young Australian aristocrat who owns, like, seven farms! Or something! He actually doesn’t do much besides watch Sybylla with awe, accidentally attempt to drown her when he tips their row boat, and once angrily force her away from where she’s dancing with some peasants! Then he proposes by saying just as angrily, “I think we should get married”. So romantic right now, Sam Neill!

What I Learned: The author of the novel, Miles Franklin, actually wrote a sequel to the book called My Career Goes Bung.

Would I Watch Without Sam Neill?: Maybe. Sybylla is kind of funny, and I like watching her hair do ridiculous things. I am, of course, all in favor of feminism, early-20th-century Australian or otherwise. But the ending kind of left me hanging, so I give it a solid Comme ci Comme ça.

Memoirs of an Invisible Man (1992)

This movie was especially weird after watching Community because I couldn’t believe how young Chevy Chase looked, and that I was supposed to see him as a romantic lead instead of bumbling and old.

The dulcet sounds of Chevy Chase trying to seduce a woman even brought Steven downstairs to see what was going on

The Movie: Chevy Chase was in an accident involving powerful magnets, rendering him invisible. SCIENCE! Unfortunately, an increasingly unstable CIA agent known as “The Scorpion” wants him for the government, to do experiments on him, and possibly train him as an assassin. Chevy Chase uses his newfound invisibility powers to thwart the men after him and win over a hot girl he met the night before his accident. In the end, he fakes his own death, killing The Scorpion in the process, and he and the Love Interest go to live in Switzerland, where you can wear a ski mask all the time. Also, the epilogue shows a very pregnant Love Interest, which makes me immediately wonder if his kids will be half-invisible.

The viewer can see Chevy Chase some of the time, which I'm sure cut down on the special effects budget

The Character: Sam Neill is David Jenkins aka “The Scorpion”! He is pretty perfect for it too, as his speeches about “We just want to help you” and “I know how lonely you must be” sound sincere but with that Sam Neill-brand of hidden crazy swelling up gradually from underneath. He makes you feel like he’s totally going to kill you, but he feels kind of bad about it and wishes you wouldn’t make him. In the end, he ends up running off the side of a building after lunging to save what he thinks is a suicide-jumping Chevy Chase.

And this happens, which is pretty great

What I Learned: When the Invisible Man eats, you can see the food inside him, and digesting in his stomach which is gross, but once it digests enough it too disappears.

Would I Watch Without Sam Neill?: A qualified yes. I liked this movie. It was a pretty funny thing to watch while I was sewing up the finishing touches on a skirt, but it is also painfully confused in tone. The script apparently started out as a comedy, but the director wanted to portray “the loneliness of invisibility” so it’s mostly stuck between those two, kind of weirdly dark and sad, but also sometimes slapstick. I can see why most reviewers didn’t like it.

Next: NASA adventures! Some kind of New Zealand forest wizard scout leader!
Previously: Mustache Sam, Bolshevik Doctor, Choppy McAxeFace

Tagged: movie reviews, sam neill

Posted in Project Series, Sam Neill Marathon |

Sam Neill Update: Mustache Sam, Bolshevik Doctor, Choppy McAxFace

October 14th, 2011 by pladd

Steven would only consent to watching one of these with me. Guess which one!

Hint: it was this one:

The Triangle (2005 TV miniseries)
This was an hour and a half movie that somehow got stretched out to 4 hours (I assume in the wash by mistake).

Of course it was made by the Sci Fi channel, why would you even ask?

The Movie: Eccentric billionaire Eric Benerall hires a team of “experts” in different fields to solve the mystery of the Bermuda Triangle, because he’s sick of it messing up his shipping operations. The team bumbles around, seeing weird hallucinations(?), getting kidnapped by a shady military organization, and eventually traveling back in time to set it all aright. Apparently the Bermuda Triangle is really home to masses of “exotic matter” which the military has known about forever and is secretly monitoring in a massive underwater facility. They know some big, cataclysmic event is coming since the Triangle is getting worse and, of course, plan to use a big explosion to stop it. Except, OH NOES, our heroes discover that it’s actually the explosion that’s going to cause the cataclysm and all along the creepiness of the Bermuda Triangle has just been time shockwaves from the horror the military is about to unleash!!! Luckily, they stop the evil military, and the world warps to a reality where the Bermuda Triangle never existed. Our heroes still remember, and most of them are annoyed when their lives are less cool in this new universe. Especially Hot Australian Meteorologist who went from being a total player to having a wife and kids. Bummer.

The Character: Sam Neill plays the eccentric billionaire, who is mysteriously menaced by a mustached version of himself who’s always standing RIGHT BEHIND HIM looking really accusing:

Mustache Sam judges your clean-shaven upper lip, Normal Sam. Also, he wants you to kill some puppies.

Mustache Sam spends most of the four hours completely freaking out normal Sam, until he is a useless gibbering wreck who refuses to help the main characters stop the military. At one point, our heroes warp into a weirdly fascist alternate dimension, so Steven and I decided that Mustache Sam must be the alternate-reality fascist dictator version of Normal Sam. Who was maybe looking for a way to break into other dimensions and rough up the place! You have no idea how many great scenarios we were able to come up with to explain Mustache Sam in the four excruciating hours of this movie (there wasn’t much else to do, really). Unfortunately, Mustache Sam turned out to be Normal Sam’s brother, who was lost in the Triangle and Sam is haunted by his ghost until he finds the truth. So much less cool. In the end, Normal Sam does save the day by recklessly driving one of his massive oil tankers into the Bermuda Triangle to delay the military in their evil, evil mission. At the very end, in the Triangleless reality, the heroes actually meet Mustache Sam, and he is annoyingly not even trying to eat their skin. Mustache Sam, you let me down. You let me down hard.

What I Learned: Airplane bathrooms are airtight, so if your plane crashes into the ocean, you can totally survive inside one for hours and hours until some psychic scuba divers rescue you! Also, if you travel back in time to the horrible accident where your car drives into the ocean, it might be a good idea to, like, open the windows the second time around or something. Or just act exactly the same and let your friend die, whatever.

Would I Watch Without Sam Neill?: No. Unless it was a movie where my wild explanations for Mustache Sam turned out to be accurate.

Country Life (1994)
This movie is based on the Chekhov play Uncle Vanya except set in the interwar Australian outback instead of 1890s Russia!

The main change is now there's a scene of kangaroos making wild passionate kangaroo love

The Movie: I’ve never seen or read the Chekhov play this is based on, but from a cursory glance at its Wikipedia article, I would say this movie follows the plot pretty well. Wealthy old Dr. Askey returns from his decadent life in London with a pretty young wife! His daughter from his first wife and his brother-in-law have been working the family estate in his absence to support his decadent lifestyle. The brother-in-law and the delightfully alcoholic country doctor both fall madly in love (lust?) with the hot new wife, and Sally, the daughter, is sad that her unrequited love for Drunken Country Doctor can never be. Then Dr. Askey decides to sell the estate to get more money, brother-in-law pitches a fit and tries to shoot him, and everyone goes back to where they were at the beginning of the movie, trying to pretend this whole thing never happened.

Classy, Sam Neill. Classy.

The Character: Sam Neill plays Drunken Country Doctor! He reminded me a lot of his character in The Good Wife, but perhaps slightly less smarmy. Although he still pretty much seduces the hot young wife in a barn, using kittens as bait. Also, most people in the county don’t really like him because he encourages ecologically healthy farming practices and not killing all Aboriginals on sight. In consequence, he starts a riot in a church while returning soldiers call him “Bolshevik” and beat him up. However, since he’s the only doctor around, he’s not too worried about them killing him for good. He even takes liquor as payment when you should “save your money for the funeral”! What a stand up guy.

What I Learned: The plot of Uncle Vanya. What kangaroo mating looks like.

Would I Watch Without Sam Neill?: Probably not. These kind of depressing family dramas where everyone freaks out about their ennui are not really my style.

The Piano (1993)
Once again Netflix wanted me to think of this movie as a romance, and once again it really, really wasn’t.

Even the woman/piano relationship really goes downhill at the end

The Movie: Ada is mute but loves playing her piano. She, the piano, and her young daughter (from another marriage? I never understood this) are sent to 1850s New Zealand to marry Alisdair Stewart, who seems gruff, but tries to be kind in his way. Which doesn’t include lugging a piano through the muddy jungle, unfortunately. Luckily, one of his workers falls madly in love with Ada and is totally willing to go get the piano, buying it off her husband and then demanding she give him piano lessons. But of course he doesn’t care about playing the piano, he only cares about getting under that sweet, sweet hoop skirt, and eventually Ada returns his love (or lust?). Of course, Alisdair is pissed, gives her some chances to Never See Him Again, but she doesn’t listen and he ends up cutting off her finger. With an axe!! Then he apparently feels sick just looking at her and tells her lover to take her away and never come back. As they’re going away in a small boat, Ada demands that he push her piano overboard because she doesn’t want it anymore. Then she (on purpose?) sticks her foot into a mess of ropes and gets pulled down after it! She contemplates how she’s totes committing suicide and that’s okay for awhile underwater, then apparently has jumper’s remorse and struggles free. Yay? At the end, her new husband(?) makes her a creepy metal finger. The end.

Sam Neill is sorry you forced him to axe your finger off

The Character: Sam Neill plays Alisdair Stewart, Ada’s poor cuckolded husband. At the beginning we see him trying to make her happy, but not really knowing how. He also thinks her desperate longing for the piano is a little crazy, and begins to suspect that she might be insane as well as mute. He actually becomes friends with Ada’s daughter, whom she kind of starts to ignore in the excitement of her affair with the guy who began by coercing her into sex (how romantic!). I know I’m not supposed to like Sam Neill and his finger-chopping-off ways, but really Ada kind of annoyed me. Maybe because I too would probably refuse to carry her giant piano through the rainy, muddy jungle. I’m with you on this one, Sam.

Sam Neill can't understand why his hat doesn't impress you!

What I Learned: New Zealand jungles are like the muddiest places on Earth.

Would I Watch Without Sam Neill?: No. Every other character besides the little girl was pretty tiresome. Although I guess it was pretty interesting to see Ada’s character develop almost entirely through actions and facial expressions.

Next: Husband, Rich Dude, “The Scorpion”
Previously: Total Player, Overbearing Dad, Crackpot

Tagged: movie reviews, sam neill

Posted in Project Series, Sam Neill Marathon |

Vitally Important Questions of Vital Importance Round 2

October 14th, 2011 by pladd

After the wild success of my first venture into the realm of advice columnist, I’ve decided to continue blessing you with more of my wisdom.

My next question comes to me from Roque S. of The White House. Roque writes:

Is every meal you eat in North Carolina in the form of a cupcake?

This is what I had for lunch yesterday.

So, yes.

Sydney Greenstreet of Topeka writes:

Now that Netflix is dividing into two, how will the Sam Neill Netflix Marathon proceed??

NEVER FEAR, Sydney, the Sam Neill Netflix marathon will persevere through ANY obstacle! Neither snow nor wind nor silly name changes will stay me in my quest to gently mock every Sam Neill movie in existence on Netflix/Qwikster/whatever. Also, that’s not even happening anymore, so we’re fine. Check back later today for another exciting update!

And lastly we have two questions from “Lonely in Carrboro” who writes:

So, there’s this girl… and I see her downstairs sometimes. How do I tell if she likes me? Second question is the same, substituting puppy for girl.

The only sure way of discovering if a girl likes you or not is passing her a note saying “Do you like me? Circle one: Yes No Maybe”. Thousands of years of evolution have perfected our human courtship ritual into this single efficient and wondrous act. Unfortunately, puppies can’t read, so for that you are just going to have to take a shower in bacon.

You’re welcome!

Tagged: cupcakes, questions, Roque, sam neill

Posted in Advice, Project Series |

Sam Neill Update: Total Player, Overbearing Dad, Crackpot

September 27th, 2011 by pladd

The Good Wife (1987)
Apparently the only thing to do in interwar Australian small towns was sleep around!

Can you blame them? Look at those sexy, sexy hats

The Movie: Marge is married to a good guy that she loves(?) but she still seems really bored with her life. So when her husband’s kind of weird younger brother Sugar wants to try out sleeping with her, she basically says “Whatevs”. Oddly, so does her husband. Then a hot new bar tender comes to town and attempts to force himself on her! She says no (eventually), but then spends weeks mooning after him, wondering why he won’t hit on her again. He’s hitting on everyone else! What’s wrong with me?? , she weeps. Eventually she causes a huge scandal, but the bar tender is embroiled in a scandal of his own and forced to leave town. She tries to go with him, but he throws her off the train. Like, literally. He grabs her by the shoulders and pushes her off a moving train. She wakes up days later at home, where she tries to leave (from shame?) but her husband tells her she has nowhere else to go. The end!

That train is maybe the only thing in this movie Sam Neill DIDN'T sleep with

The Character: Sam Neill is the bartender who has won every heart in town! I’m not surprised; he’s clearly trying to channel Clark Gable. He orchestrates a threesome that becomes a foursome, and somehow nobody minds. When someone starts to cause trouble in the bar, he calmly kicks his ass without even breaking a sweat. Plus, he’s not afraid to throw a lady from a moving train.

Thing I Learned: Women weren’t allowed in bars back then, so they had something called a “Ladies Parlor” or “Ladies Lounge” that adjoined the bar and had a little window through which they could order from the bar tender. Marge uses it to shriek at Sam Neill to come sex her up in front of amused bar patrons.

Would I Watch This Movie Without Sam Neill?: Probably not. Sam Neill’s character was pretty much the one draw this movie had for me. I completely understood Marge’s boredom with her surroundings, but would feel more empathy for her if she had run away or done something awesome, instead of trying to cause scandals and sleeping with her weird brother-in-law.

In Her Skin (2009)

As per Netflix Marathon rules, I made no attempt to restart this movie or see the rest of it at the point the DVD crapped out, probably about 40-60 minutes in. So, I’ve only seen the first part of this movie, and, unlike Merlin’s Apprentice, Wikipedia and imdb are less helpful in reconstructing the rest. I will therefore be reporting on the part I saw, plus what I imagine happened in the lost ending.

I find ballerinas creepy in general; this movie and Black Swan are totes not helping

The Movie: Once again, this movie was based on a true story. Caroline Reid has always been unhappy. She hates her looks, her mom, and pretty much everything about herself, except her dad, who seems kind of distant and annoyed, especially after the divorce. She is fascinated by and jealous of Rachel, who lives across the street and seems to have the perfect life: beautiful, ballet-dancing body, hot boyfriend, loving parents and sisters. So Caroline kidnaps and kills Rachel, and then starts trying to sort of absorb her life, starting with wearing her clothes. Meanwhile, Rachel’s parents, Eowyn and the time machine guy, are frantic, the police less so. That’s about where my DVD cut out, so I am left to assume that Sam Neill brought his horrible daughter to JUSTICE.

Apparently she also goes to the hospital, I assume because Sam Neill pushed her through a window

The Character: Sam Neill plays Caroline’s distant and uncaring dad, who clearly would rather be doing pretty much anything else than deal with his crazy, whiny daughter. Unfortunately, I only got to see him in one scene before the DVD failed, so who KNOWS what kind of awesome things he did in the rest of the movie! We may never know, but I’m imagining he discovers Caroline’s crimes while using her as a test subject of his latest, wildly unstable invention. Yeah, in my version the job he is always too busy with to care about Caroline is Mad Scientist, and it’s awesome. In reality, he seems to care a lot about appearances, so it’s possible he discovers her crimes but tries to cover them up.

Thing I Learned: Gotta watch out for those fat people

Would I Watch Without Sam Neill?: Nope. Fun fact: this is the Sam Neill movie that finally broke Steven. I suspect him of sabotage, because he was angling for me to turn it off even before the DVD “broke”. He then vowed never to watch another Sam Neill movie with me again, crying at the ceiling “WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS TO ME SAM NEILL????” You WISH Sam Neill was in our attic, Steven. Anyway, I admit I was worried that Steven would forsake Sam Neill, making it impossible for us to watch anything together for at least the next few months. But then this week we watched the first half of The Triangle, so I think it’s going to be okay. He’s a born-again Sam Neill fan. But In Her Skin really shook his faith.

To the Ends of the Earth (2005 miniseries)

It’s really great that Sam Neill’s head is gigantic on this cover, since the main character is actually the guy next to him.

The actor's name is Benedict Cumberbatch, which I assume means he is actually an Edwardian butler.

The Movie: This three-part miniseries is based on a trilogy of novels by William Golding published in the 1980s. The story follows young aristocrat Edmund Talbot on his voyage from England to Australia back in the days when opium was a totally acceptable sea sickness cure (1812). Basically, it’s a 19th-century version of Big Brother. Everyone’s trapped on a boat with each other, and everyone is a different brand of crazy. There’s a passenger with two mistresses (one posing as his daughter–awkward!), a scrappy 1st lieutenant from humble beginnings who just wants to prove himself, a crazy crackpot, a disgraced Frenchman, a servant who dies and then comes back and then dies, and a captain obsessed with his on-ship garden. Plus this one time they almost hit a glacier. Eventually, Edmund learns a lot of life lessons about who he is as a man, and successfully makes it to Australia.

Sam Neill maintains this level of disapproval for the ENTIRE 267 minutes it is magical

The Character: Sam Neill IS Mr. Prettiman, the crackpot!!! It is amazing!!! He has some historically weird political beliefs and at one point tells Edmund that women’s brains can’t handle Greek, but the best part is that he is “the inveterate foe of every superstition.” Someone brings up how they’re on a ship so shooting an albatross would be SUPER unlucky (Rime of the Ancient Mariner was first published 14 years prior), and he demands that someone give him a gun so that he can PROVE THEM WRONG, and spends the rest of the episode prowling about the deck in the background of the action, looking for an albatross to shoot the hell out of! Then he hurts his leg, gets awkwardly married to an equally disapproving governess, and has many an awk convo with Edmund about what to do with Mrs. Crackpot after his death (hint: it involves a secret letter of sex reportage).

Mr. and Mrs. Crackpot hate your inferior hats with equal vehemence

This Sam Neill might be my new favorite Sam Neill!!

What I Learned: Okay, so if your mast has been kerjiggered out of whack and isn’t in the right position to hoist a sail, just thrust some iron in there and then heat it up. Something about metal expanding or whatever will SOLVE EVERYTHING! Until days later after everyone but Scrappy Lieutenant has gotten off. Then the whole thing will catch on fire! It’s physics!

Would I Watch Without Sam Neill?: Yes, although I would miss him terribly. The other characters were all crazy and entertaining in their own ways, and sailing in an old-timey ship is exciting!

Previously: SuperCroc, Apartheid, Boat Kidnapping
Next: Mustache Sam, Bolshevik Doctor, Choppy McAxeFace

Tagged: hats, movie reviews, sam neill

Posted in Project Series, Sam Neill Marathon |

Sam Neill Update: SuperCroc, Apartheid, Boat Kidnapping

September 20th, 2011 by pladd

SuperCroc (2001 TV)
Not to be confused with the monster movie of the same name, this is a National Geographic documentary narrated by Sam Neill!

It didn't walk with dinosaurs... IT ATE THEM!!!

The Movie: The documentary follows a paleontologist and a crocodile expert traveling the world to study modern day crocodiles in an attempt to make educated guesses about what the ancient supercroc (or Sarcosuchus, if you want to get technical) was like. The documentary began with digging up some Sarcosuchus bones in the Sahara, including a massive skull, but without more of the body they needed measurements and ratios from modern versions to guess at how big supercroc was (answer: about 40 feet long, 8.75 tons). Interspersed with capturing and measuring the world’s different crocodile and alligator species is kind of bad computer animation about what we imagine prehistoric supercroc was like. And it chomping down on dinosaurs.

Also I learned that this exists

The Character: Since this was a documentary he was narrating, I never actually got to see Sam Neill, which, as you can guess, was a bit of a blow since you know I love making fun of his clothes. He was really good at narrating, though, providing some ironic detachment from the alligator expert, who was annoyingly excitable. I think he would do really well recording audiobooks! I still enjoyed this more than A Cry in the Dark; thanks for teaching me something, Sam Neill!

Best Sam Neill Quote: (after annoying alligator guy has captured a big crocodile and tied it down in the back of his pick up, asking can you IMAGINE what supercroc would be like?) “You’d need a bigger truck”.

Thing I Learned From This Movie: Alligators have medicine in their blood that heals their wounds from the inside!

Would I Have Watched This Without the Lure of Sam Neill?: Yes, but only while doing something else, like cooking

Skin (2008)

This movie was based on a true story, so, once again, I learned something! You’ve just spent this week educating me, Sam Neill!

Also, Sam Neill's Afrikaner accent is crazy!

The Movie: Sandra Laing looks black (is black? This terminology is a major issue in the movie too) but both of her parents are white Afrikaners in apartheid-era South Africa. Obvs this causes all kinds of problems, such as is she allowed to attend a white school? And how to stop everyone from being terrible to her there? Who can she marry? Can she legally even live with her parents? At one point a professor explains that she is probably the result of African/European intermarrying at some point far back in her parents’ ancestral past, something he claims most Afrikaners have in their genes at some point. Sandra takes a lot of crap, even from her own family, and eventually runs away with a black man, whom she can’t even legally marry since she is technically classified as white. Their relationship can’t survive their differences in background–he gets really pissed when she keeps trying to contact her mother–and she eventually runs away from him, starting a new life with their two children. Eventually she reunites with her mom, but her dad dies, leaving her money but never speaking to her again. The part I remember the most is just a simple scene without any dialog, showing Sandra and her mother going shopping for a new dress. Because Sandra isn’t allowed inside the store, her mother and a saleslady stand in the window with the mannequins, holding up various choices while Sandra stands outside, pointing to ones she likes and pantomime pleading with her mother for the one she wants.

Sam Neill, as always, at the height of fashion

The Character: Of course Sam Neill is Abraham Laing, her stubborn, domineering father. He is pretty much ace at playing troubled dad characters at this point. He pushes the government continually until they finally decide to determine race based on ancestry, not appearance, and just as stubbornly tries to force Sandra to have a “normal” life, even going so far as to not care when some guy sexually assaults her since at least he’s white. He delivers an ultimatum after she runs off with her black boyfriend: return home now or never see your family again. He then spends most of the rest of the film burning her letters and trying to prevent his wife from seeing her through creepily serious death threats. “If I ever see her here again, I’ll kill them. And then myself.” Towards the end of the movie, when Sam Neill is dying of cancer, he tries to leave the house to find Sandra and apologize to her, but his wife won’t let him, claiming that they don’t deserve her forgiveness. Which is a nice sentiment, but, you know, Sandra is pretty much homeless and starving so maybe put your high horse away, mom. Sam Neill’s Abraham Laing is believably terrible to his family, sticking with the government-sanctioned racism that would definitely have been the status quo at the time this movie is set. I still end up feeling bad for him at the end when he realizes what a dick he’s been. Oh, Sam Neill, it’s so hard to hate you for realsies.

Thing I Learned From This Movie: Sandra Laing is a real person and most of the events in this movie really happened!

Would I Watch This Without Sam Neill?: From reading the description, no, but if I started it I would end up liking it.

Perfect Strangers (2003)

Pretty sure Sam Neill agreed to this movie because he got to spend a lot of it pretending to be dead inside a freezer.

The description made it sound like a romcom, and it is, if you like CRAZY

The Movie: Melanie lives a pretty boring life, until one night she decides to go home with a mysterious hot guy she meets at a bar. Except when she wakes up the next morning she is on his boat, since his home is on a remote deserted island! Plus, he seems to know a lot about her, and keeps saying things like “I would do ANYTHING for you!” Then he cooks them a romantic dinner, burns her old clothes, and insists that they can’t sleep together until she loves him. In her attempts to escape the next morning–since she is apparently too dumb to realize there are two locks on the door hotel room style–she ends up accidentally stabbing The Man (that’s how he’s listed in the credits–we never know his name), and then trying to nurse him back to health. Of course, he ends up dying, but that’s cool, she just stashes his body in the freezer and starts hallucinating him, imagining an elaborate and romantic relationship between them. Eventually some guy she used to know arrives, and apparently it’s really his house but The Man just rents it? And she tries to kill him too? But then he’s cool with it? And they get married? The last scene is her dancing with her hallucination at her own wedding to the other guy! Yeah, supper sweet.

I assume they chose Sam Neill because he makes a great corpse

The Character: Sam Neill plays The Man, and he acts the hell out of it! The Man doesn’t have too many lines, preferring silent mystery/being dead, but in the beginning of the kidnapping I was really unsure if I was creeped out by him or wanted to date him. Then Melanie revealed herself to be crazy to the power of twelve, so Sam Neill definitely now appears to be the most sane, attractive character in this film. It’s like she waited to get Stockholm syndrome until he was already dead, so she just had to fall in love with his corpse/hallucination. My favorite part is when she has a gun out, trying to shoot the Island Owner, and she asks Sam Neill’s specter if you can kill someone twice. Sam Neill shrugs and suggests that she just better try it to see. Then she throws a little pity party about how she never meant to kill him, which is weird since she did stick a knife in his stomach.

Thing I Learned: Pro tip: When the girl you’ve kidnapped locks you out of your own house, the best thing to do is start a smile fire under it and smoke her out!

Would I Watch This Without Sam Neill?: Yes, thinking it was a romantic comedy! Then I’d end up finishing it despite mounting unease out of a morbid curiosity.

Previously: Merlin (again), Erotic Artist, Tragic Dingo Victim
Next: Total Player, Overbearing Dad, Crackpot!

Tagged: movie reviews, movies, sam neill

Posted in Project Series, Sam Neill Marathon |