The Plaid Pladd

Basically the same day I completed my blog post about the first Alanna book, I rushed to the library to get the other three in the series. I can’t hide it anymore: Alanna is still my homegirl. As the Urban Dictionary definition emphasizes, SHE GOT MY BACK. Sorry for all that stuff I said about you in my first review, Alanna; you know I’m just jealous because I don’t have a horse named Moonlight and a magic sword named Lightning.

Once again, for comparison purposes, I’ve decided to explain this book both as 23-year-old Patricia and 11-year-old Patricia.

In The Hand of the Goddess by Tamora Pierce

Song of the Lioness Book 2

Then

The Sitch
This book is even more amazing than the first one because Alanna is now Prince Jonathan’s squire!!!!! Also, she now has a magical talking cat named Faithful and is totally, totally madly in love with Prince Jonathan. They don’t get married at the end, but I am sure it is only a matter of TIME. Duke Roger is still being a complete jerk about everything.

Our Heroine
Alanna is even more amazing in this book!!! Both Prince Jonathan and George are madly in love with her, but obvs only Prince Jonathan can win her heart!! Plus, she goes to war and kicks some Tusaine butt, and becomes a knight at the end! Yay!!!

Now

The Sitch
Alanna is now a squire to Prince Jonathan, one of the few who know her secret: that she’s actually a girl. In this book Alanna stops a war, earns her shield, and finally confronts Duke Roger about his magical plotting. Plus, she learns more about MATTERS OF THE HEART.

Our Heroine
Alanna is less annoying to me in this book, but I’m not sure why. I think the people around her begin to develop more distinct personalities, and stop simply being Alanna Cheerleaders. For some reason, Middle School Patricia was convinced that Alanna and Prince Jonathan were OTL¹, despite the book’s narration being pretty clear that they are just friends with benefits. George, the King of Thieves, her other love interest, was of no interest to Middle School Patricia, who always envisioned him as a middle aged man, making his interactions with her extremely creepy. This time around, I can see how George and Alanna are a better fit personality wise, but am annoyed that Tamora Pierce never shows us how George’s feelings develop. Unlike Prince Jonathan, George is pretty much shown as being madly in love with her from the very beginning of this book, which is probably why Middle School Patricia ignored him as potential OTL material. That, and the Old Guy Grossness.

Play by Play Notes

Chapter one: The Lady in the Forrest
Alanna meets the Great Mother Goddess one night in the forest. She warns her to learn to love, gives her a magical glowing ember necklace, and a magical talking cat BFF. She names it Faithful, not Killer, proving yet again that she is really not committed to this whole Pretending to Be a Boy thing.

Chapter Two: Duke Roger of Conté
Alanna fights Sir Dain, a knight in Tortall with the Tusaine ambassador, because he is insulting Tortall’s honor. She wins even though he fights dirty and Duke Roger is impressed.

Chapter Three: The Prince’s Squire
George tells Alanna fifteen is old enough to get married, and then he kisses her and she is all, “Whatever, I don’t need ANY MAN, I am going to be a knight, fool.” A magical boar tries to kill her in the forest (Duke Roger!?!?) and everyone at court, including Jonathan, is madly in love with some annoying girl named Delia. Alex, Alanna’s friend and Duke Roger’s squire, decides to fight a friendly duel with Alanna that quickly turns DEADLY. Luckily, Sir Myles interrupts them after Alex breaks her collarbone.

Chapter Four: A Cry of War
Tusaine and Tortall are at war! Duke Gareth has a freak accident (Duke Roger?!?!?) so our pal, Duke Roger leads the knights and soldiers from the palace. George once again tells Alanna they should get married, and she once again says that she needs NO MAN.

Chapter Five: By the River Drell
Alanna spends lots of time with the foot soldiers even though she is a noble. There is a nice one named Thor, and a mean one named Jem. Then one night Jem and Thor disappear from their guard posts and there is a major battle!! Luckily Alanna warns everyone in time. Later she finds Thor dying in the dark after Jem attacked him and uses her magic to ease his death even though it knocks her out because she is wounded.

Chapter Six: Captured!
Alanna and Jonathan get all makey-outy because he is so happy she’s okay. Later Duke Roger finds her on watch and is all, “We could be great friends, you and I!” (evil eyebrow waggle) and Alanna responds, “I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU IN EVIL!!!” Then a magical fog comes up and she’s captured. Jonathan plans a rescue mission even though crossing the river is totally against the King’s orders. Jem is really Jemis, the King of Tusaine’s brother! The rescue mission captures him and his other brother, forcing the King of Tusaine to agree to a peace treaty for their return.

Chapter Seven: Winter Lessons
Alanna wants lessons on how to be a lady from George’s mom, Mistress Cooper. Wolves in the forest start eating children, so everyone goes out to hunt them. A giant one attacks Alanna, and, since she is holding the Goddess’ Mystical Ember Necklace when she kills it, she sees that it is surrounded by magic–the same color as Duke Roger’s!!!! On her birthday, she is super annoyed by Jonathan’s flirting with ladies, so she puts on her lady disguise dress and wig and goes into the garden, where she meets Jonathan. He sees the pregnancy charm Mistress Cooper gave her and is all, “Why don’t we try it out to see if it works?” Which is maybe the lamest pick up line ever. “Let’s try out that contraception, baby. There’s a 50% chance of unwanted pregnancy, but a 100% chance of love!” At first Alanna is all, “Ew, no” but later she relents into, “Whatever, I guess.”

Chapter Eight: Fears
Alanna and Jonathan continue to be friends with benefits. Someone tries to drown Alanna while ice skating (Roger?!?!?!). George is sad that Alanna is in love with Jonathan, but Alanna insists that she is just using him for sex (in euphemism; but I still don’t know how Middle School Patricia missed it). Alanna and George go visit Thom in the City of the Gods, where everyone hates him because he is the youngest master sorcerer ever, and kind of a dick. He promises to come to the capital after she’s made a knight to watch the Roger situation after Alanna leaves on her knight adventures. On the way home, Alanna and George are attacked (Roger?!?!?).

Chapter Nine: The Ordeal
Here is how to become a knight in Tortall:
1) Be a page: go to classes, learn weapons, serve dinner to people
2) Be a squire: serve a knight, learn weapons
3) Pass the Ordeal: take a purifying bath while two knights read you the code of chivalry, keep a silent vigil, go into the magic Chamber of the Ordeal and stay in there still without making a sound until it’s over
Alanna tells Gary, Duke Gareth’s son, her secret so that he and Prince Jonathan can chivalry her up after her bath. He thinks it’s hilarious. The Ordeal Chamber basically throws all her worst fears at her, but she survives and becomes a knight! Yay! Thom gives her a magical shield that looks like the normal Trebond arms, but changes magically into a Lioness Rampant for when she reveals her real identity.

Chapter Ten: To Duel the Sorcerer
Alanna decides it is finally, FINALLY time to do something about Duke Roger and his constant attempts to kill her. She ransacks his rooms and finds voodoo dolls of everyone. She accuses him in front of the entire court and he challenges her to trial by combat. During the fight, he uses magical illusions to confuse her, but she uses her Magic Goddess Necklace to see through that shit. Then his sword rips open her shirt and special boob-crushing corset and OMG THE SECRET IS OUT. Everyone is all “WTF???” but the shock helps her kill Duke Roger, dead once and for all (or IS HE?)

Epilogue
Sir Alanna and Coram are off on adventures! All her friends try to get her to stay, but she is sick of this cold weather crap. Plus, she just killed the King’s nephew and all, so it’s probably time to get the hell out of dodge.

Also see: Song of the Lioness Book 1, Alanna: The First Adventure

Next Up: Woman Who Rides Like a Man!

• ¹One True Love↑

True confession: when I was in 6th grade the only books I would read were by Tamora Pierce. Even if you physically forced me to read something else (yeah, I mean you, Mrs. Sniffen, 6th grade English, The Hatchet) I would probably just throw it dramatically to the ground as soon as you turned your back and pick up Lioness Rampant again. The problem with being completely obsessed with a single writer, though, is that she can’t possibly write at a speed to keep you constantly engaged, especially when confronted with things like puberty and Trying To Look Smart. So Tamora Pierce pretty much fell out of my life around 8th or 9th grade, when I was way more interested in reading all of Charles Dickens and pretending to be Too Cool for all the boys I knew¹.

Then at the library I found a new book of short stories by Tamora Pierce. Some kind of latent 6th grade instinct made my hand reach out and snatch it, before I realized that 1) I am not obsessed with Tamora Pierce anymore and 2) I haven’t read any Tamora Pierce since half-way through the Kel series, so I’m pretty behind. Basically the only thing to do at that point was go back and start at the very beginning. Luckily, they read a lot faster now that I am 12 years older.

There are a lot of more badass covers on later editions now, but this is the one I had in middle school

For comparison purposes, I’ve decided to explain this book both as 23-year-old Patricia and 11-year-old Patricia.

Alannna: The First Adventure by Tamora Pierce

Then

The Sitch
Alanna has to pretend to be a boy because everyone is way mean and won’t let her be a knight as a girl even though she is totally the best!!!! Also, she has a horse named Moonlight and a sword named Lightning! She also has magic and uses it to save Prince Jonathan twice!!

Our Heroine
Alanna is the best!!!! She can fight better than ANY boy even though she is smaller and is super brave and amazing. Also, she has red hair and purple eyes, which is the best possible combination! If only I could dye my hair and buy color contacts to look just like her!

Now

The Sitch
Alanna, a fiesty ten-year-old, switches places with her twin brother and starts pretending to be a boy so she can go to the palace and start training to be a knight. This book covers her three years as a page.

Our Heroine
Alanna is kind of a Mary Sue. Pretty much everyone loves her, and if they don’t, that’s a sign that they’re the bad guy. I didn’t really notice when I first read this book that most of the other characters only exist to reassure Alanna that she really IS that amazing whenever she thinks she’s not. Still, girl’s got game, and more Girl Power than a Spice Girls concert. Also, no one guesses that she’s a girl even though she names her horse “Moonlight”. Wake up, everyone in Tortall.

Play by Play Notes

Chapter one: Twins
Alanna doesn’t want to be a lady and Thom, her twin, doesn’t want to be a knight. So they switch places! Apparently Lady School is the same as Beginner Sorcerer School so that works out. Plus, their father is a fantasy-medieval dead beat dad, so he doesn’t even notice. Before she leaves, the village wisewoman warns Alanna to use her magic to heal to make up for the killing she will do. Alanna is like “Whatever”. Alanna and her manservant Coram arrive in the capital and Alanna is full of fierce determination!

Chapter Two: The New Page
Alanna immediately gets into a fight with an older page named Ralon. Luckily, Prince Jonathan and his posse put a stop to it and immediately are all about Alanna (or “Alan”). Classes are super hard, but she won’t give up! On a free morning in the city, she meets George, King of Thieves, who says that he senses with his Gift (like magical powers) that he should be her friend. She is flattered instead of creeped out.

Chapter Three: Ralon
Ralon beats up Alanna whenever he can. Prince Jonathan and his posse try to stop it, but Alanna is stubborn and Can Fight Her Own Battles! She asks George to teach her dirty street fighting and practices all the time! Then she finally beats him up in front of everyone, he vows revenge but leaves court, and Alanna and Jonathan become BFF because she is so brave and amazing.

Chapter Four: Death in the Palace
The Sweating Fever sweeps through the city killing people. The disease seems to be magical, because it drains the healers who try to help. Francis, who is apparently Alanna’s friend despite having only one line so far, ends up dying and Alanna is wracked by guilt. Obviously because she is not willing to use her Gift it is all her fault! Then Jonathan gets sick but all the palace healers are too weak to help!! Alanna uses her magic to snatch him out of the jaws of death! Sir Myles, her teacher BFF who was watching, starts to suspect she is a girl.

Chapter Five: The Second Year
Alanna has to bind her growing breasts and it’s a bummer. Duke Roger, Jonathan’s cousin and an uber-sorcerer, comes to court to start teaching them to use their Gift. Alanna instantly hates him like woah, obviously because he is the bad guy. Alanna finally gets to start fighting with swords but is bad at it.

Chapter Six: Womanhood
Alanna does not know what periods are and freaks out that she is dying. She runs into the city and demands that George take her to a woman healer. George is all, “WTF?” and Alanna is all “I AM GIRL!” and George is all “…. right” and takes her to his healer mom, who pretty much laughs at Alanna and gives her the facts of life talk. Alanna and Sir Myles visit his estate where he shows her the ruins of the Old Ones. She finds a secret passage and a magic sword! Thom sends her a letter saying Duke Roger is totes evil and def caused the Sweating Sickness. Alanna is finally great at swords because of all her practice.

Chapter Seven: The Black City
The Squires take a field trip to the dessert! Alanna goes too because she is BFF with Prince Jonathan (and everyone). Duke Roger tells all of them, “No one should go near the super evil, super magic Black City! Except if you happen to be in front of me in line for the throne and might happen upon a convenient accident, I mean!” Alanna thinks this is mad suspicious but no one else does. Jonathan, of course, sneaks off to the haunted Black City and Alanna follows. There they fight the Nameless Ones for their souls with magic and swords. They win, but Alanna’s clothes magically fall off revealing she is a girl. Jonathan is like “Oh, whatever” and because she fought so well he chooses her to be his squire when he is promoted to knight.

Next in the Song of the Lioness Quartet: In the Hand of the Goddess

• ¹At the time, I thought this was an act. But after reflection and seeing them again since, I have proven to be dead right. Good job, 15-year-old me.↑