Do you know how hard it is to even get a cellphone signal in Montana and Western North Dakota? The only person who complained about my lack of updates was my mother, who I think checks this blog as an assurance that I’m still alive. She urged me when she was finally able to get a call through that my “friends would think something horrible has happened” if I didn’t write soon. Clearly she worries more than all of you. Or has less faith in my instincts of self-preservation. And so, in honor of my mother, I will catalogue the Times I Have Almost Died over the past few blog-less days.
Posts Tagged ‘paranoia’
Despite the Rainpocalypse, THE TRUTH WILL PREVAIL
April 28th, 2009 byWhen the weather is this bad, I tend to blame it for absolutely everything wrong with my life, including my inability to access my blog from my lap top. Usually that alone would be enough to trigger my intense paranoia, but it seems to only happen on Tuesday and Friday mornings when I want to update my blog. It says WITHOUT FAIL in the top right hand corner there. I can’t ignore those capital letters. So for the second time this week I have dutifully walked down to the Wiess computer lab to work on it there, which seems to annoy the people around me who have actual work to finish. Also, me, because I like to write in my pajamas. Friday, I grudgingly got dressed before warning you about the dangers of Rachel Liontas, but today I’ve given up. Steven Wiggins, itinerant webmaster, at first told me I was crazy. Then, when Roque also complained that he could not see my blog, he decided to investigate, and then decided to blame WordPress or some server or something. He says it will be okay by the end of this week, but I think it is some conspiracy perpetuated by Brian Reinhart. He seemed pretty upset when I saw him last Friday.
Ostensibly, he dropped by on a “I’m never going to see you again because I’m going home tomorrow” visit (the VERY day the Rainpocalypse began–a little TOO convenient). Along with his sadness, however, he brought along two reusable Target bags full of newspapers, claiming that I could take them to IKEA and exchange them for food.
Brian Reinhart: I view IKEA as the greatest triumph of modern capitalism.
Only later did I find out this was A LIE. You CANNOT exchange newspaper for food at IKEA and now there’s a 20-inch stack of newspapers in my room I don’t know what to do with. I can only make so many funny hats, Brian. I would just recycle them to make Jeremy Caves happy (my goal in life) and think nothing of it, except for Brian’s OTHER comments on that fateful Friday.
Brian Reinhart: I saw your blog. (dramatic pause) You think it’s over because there’s no Thresher this week. But you just wait. You forgot the GRADUATE EDITION.
Me: I have no idea what that is.
Brian Reinhart: OH, YOU’LL SEE! (maniacal laughter)
I don’t know if he realizes that, after every “last” issue of The Thresher, I WILL STILL HAVE A BLOG. You can’t turn off the Internet, Brian.
And just when I was about to shout that at him I realized: that’s what he’s been doing. It’s not the server or WordPress or the other things Steven Wiggins has claimed so it looks like he knows what he’s doing; it’s BRIAN REINHART trying to STIFLE THE TRUTH. AND CAPITAL LETTERS. As Bo will tell you from his career as a Wiess President who often says things he regrets at Cabinet, I firmly believe that The People Have a Right To Know, but mostly just Nobody Tells Me What To Do. And that includes you, Mr. Calendar Page. Bring it.
In other news, despite Brian’s Rainpocalypse, we managed to complete another List item #88 this weekend by, not only going to see Molly and the Ringwalds at the Continental Club, but singing on stage with them:
As you can see by the dancing drunk girl, it was a wild success
We got made fun of a lot (by the band) for being “babies” and, in the case of Rachel and Bova, for forming a “Tall Girl Club” that the lead singer could not join. Still, we prevailed. Livin’ On a Prayer was never shrieked into a microphone so well. (I am noticably absent from this THE 434 picture because Patricia Ladd does not sing in public ever since a traumatic incident in the sixth grade.)
Tagged: brian is a weather witch, conspiracy theories, JerBear, paranoia, pictures, rain, Steven, The List, transcripts, Wiess
Things That Spell Our Doom–2
April 24th, 2009 by1. Rachel Liontas
Harmless Gullible Freshman... OR IDENTITY THIEF???
She looks a little TOO happy considering we convinced her to buy most of the Wiess Garage Sale. I mean, don’t get me wrong; I love Rachel Liontas. If there was some kind of bracket system to determine The Best Freshman, she would totally be in my Final Four (now that I think about it, why DON’T we pit the freshmen against each other in a dramatic, death-defying battle for the seniors’ love? Or is that the Freshmen One Acts?). At the wildly successful Wiess Garage Sale, Rachel made off with the following from THE 434’s stash of amazingness: a coconut cup, kickball, Mystery Date Game, pirate hat, Rubix Cube, shiny pink 80s dress, hot pink toga, cowboy hat, Christmas lights, and red star sunglasses. This list is a little too calculated to be just random, impulse buying. Clearly she is amassing all of our definitive possessions in a wild bid to become THE 434 after we have gone. DO NOT BE FOOLED. Just because it is pink and sparkly does NOT mean that it is necessarily Bova!
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Tagged: brian is a weather witch, conspiracy theories, doom, freshmen, JerBear, lists, paranoia, pictures, The List, Wiess, zombies
Things That Spell Our Doom–1
March 27th, 2009 bySince I have no class on Fridays, I usually spend the day drawing inane comics about myself fighting crime or honing my paranoia into a finely sharpened point of irrational fear and stockpiled canned goods. Hey, if you have a plan for even the most unlikely worst case scenario, you never have to waste an unnecessary two hours having the awkward “Okay, who do we eat first?” discussion. And because I care about you, all three of you reading this, I’ve decided to share my plans for defeating the Top Five Things That Spell Our Doom (today, anyway).
1. The West Side Story Mafia
“But, Patricia,” you will say. “Everyone knows that West Side Story was over last weekend and so you have no more reason to complain.” WRONG ON BOTH COUNTS, MY FRIEND. I can always find a reason to complain, and they only want you to think they have disbanded. These people practiced for at least four hours a night for three months. Now that the show is officially over, their lives are filled with empty holes and devoid of meaning. A mob without a purpose. Just waiting to wreak untold havoc and reveal its secret agenda. I have a hunch about that too. Because the Wiess commons currently looks like this:
Laziness... OR DIABOLICAL PLAN??
What are they planning on doing with all those stage pieces? Clearly, they will soon institute Phase II of their plan to take over Wiess by using them to build a giant barricade around the Wiess Commons, forcing those of us who still resist them to give up our claims to Wiess or starve to death.
The Plan: Graduate! In a month, I won’t care who owns the commons! Until then, I think I can subsist on the box of Triscuits I just found in my room. DO YOUR WORST, CAITLIN MILLER!
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