Posts Tagged ‘lists’

The 10 Best BBC Miniseries Adapted from Novels

My friend Alana wrote this great top ten of BBC Miniseries for June!! There are definitely some I have to watch now!–PLadd

So, I LOVE watching BBC miniseries! (Honestly, most of their regular series could be counted as mini by American standards since each season only lasts 8-10 episodes plus a Christmas special – I’m looking at you, Downton Abbey!) Generally, a mini-series is one “season” and lasts 2-10 episodes with no sequel.  And for those of you who don’t know what BBC is, it stands for the British Broadcasting Corporation, and it’s responsible for some of the best and worst television shows ever made.  In this blog post, I have narrowed my rantings and ravings down to only include those miniseries that were adapted from novels because this could have easily been “My Top Favorite 50 BBC Miniseries.” Also, I like the ones adapted from literature better anyway because I like to read literary works (books, plays, epic poems) first – this earned me my double major in English Lit. – and then watch all available film and television media adapted from those works (including the loose adaptations, like Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde = Fight Club; Emma = Clueless; The Odyssey = O Brother, Where Art Thou; etc).   Anyway, Patricia (who officiated my wedding!!! to the anime-loving mad genius who brought you this guest blog post) was gracious enough to give me a forum for voicing my passionate and vastly well-researched opinions on this subject matter. Now, when I say passionate, I mean I would like to see someone get me talking about this and then try to change the subject in under an hour, because that would be a feat of will the likes of which I have never seen.  And when I say vastly well-researched I mean that I have been watching and rewatching and force-feeding my friends and relatives these miniseries for at least 15 years, (so like since middle school). I hope I will be forgiven, in light of this confession about my scholarly tendencies, for most of the list just devolving into me comparing the relative dreaminess and you-go-get-em-girlfriendedness of my favorite characters.  Also, I guess I’m bound to say that there are some spoilers in my list, but I tried not to totally ruin any of the lesser-known stories.

 

The List

So the order of this list changes frequently – usually depending on what I have read/watched last. But #1 never changes and that’s really all that matters. Also, it’s worth mentioning that it really does help if the show’s source material is entertaining, interesting, and/or well-written and the characters likable and/or eccentric.  For example, Tess of the D’Urbervilles (2008) is beautiful, well-acted, and true to Thomas Hardy’s novel about a rape victim who never stops being victimized by her own bad decisions and the general cruelty of the society of which she is a part until her horrible end, but I dislike the story and all of the characters so much for some reason??  I just couldn’t enjoy it and will leave it out of any favorites list.

And away we go…!

 

10. Great Expectations (2011)

Check out those pouty lips!

This version of Dicken’s Great Expectations is surprisingly fun!  I’ve always had a great time watching it – possibly because Pip and Estella are so distasteful and entitled, and I secretly root for karmic justice for the both of them.  But in the end, I find it very satisfying that they have each other to make overdramatically miserable.

Speaking of overdramatic misery, Miss Havisham is played by the beautiful Gillian Anderson (who will be mentioned again further down the list) and she plays up the drama of this crazy spinster forever obsessed with the wedding cancelled by the con artist who left her at the altar and took a bunch of her money.

Her special brand of crazy is fun to watch mostly because it is difficult to find any real sympathy for her.  She passes on her paranoia and inability to love to her ward, Estella, who she practically brainwashes beginning in early childhood.

 

All dressed up and no one to wed.

All dressed up and no one to wed.

On the other hand, Pip is an orphan being raised by his aunt and uncle and he is a mixed bag of ambition, sympathy, and blind devotion to Estella because marrying her will mean that he doesn’t have to work and can live the life of a gentleman of leisure. I love when his uncle Joe yells “don’t forget where you came from,” at Pip’s carriage as he is being sent to London to learn to become a gentleman by his anonymous benefactor and the look on Pip’s weirdly pouty face says very clearly: “I’ve already forgotten where I’ve come from.”

 

 

9. North and South (2004)

Hot Thorin!!!

That Thorin is so hot right now!

Instead of longing for the Arkenstone, he longs for… her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That was all I was going to say. Just a quick reference to the fact that 6’2″ tall Richard Armitage who plays a dwarf lord in The Hobbit, is also in this dramatic miniseries.  But the show deserves more than that from me.  It’s actually a really interesting look at the Industrial Revolution in Northern England and the changing mindsets of the people who earn their wages in these giant textile factories.  Hot Thorin plays a factory owner and general manager who treats his employees with tough fairness and allows for zero nonsense.

The story is technically about Margaret Hale who moves from Southern England to the North with her father after he resigns from the clergy.  She must adapt to the cold climate and even colder reception she receives as an outspoken, unmarried woman.  The series falls apart for me a little when she falls in love with Mr. Thornton (Hot Thorin) after his disastrous Darcy-esque declaration of love for her.  She begins to think better of him after learning more about the type of man he is hiding under his callous exterior, but it should not automatically follow that she is suddenly in love with him.  He does not significantly soften toward her like Darcy does when Elizabeth is at Pemberley; he is just as cold and abrupt as before and she just seems okay with it.  At the end he does show signs of changing, but not enough to make the love story really satisfying as a viewer.

The other great aspect about this miniseries is Margaret’s relationships with the other women around her.  This part is much more fleshed out than a lot of other shows with a female lead protagonist.  She develops friendships and rivalries and finds purpose in helping the poor thanks to Bessy – played by the lovely and seemingly ubiquitous Anna Maxwell Martin.

So intense. So tragic. So Bessy.

So intense. So tragic. So Bessy.

I particularly enjoy the rivalry that the ladies of town believe they have with her for Mr. Thornton’s hand in marriage, which she does not care for at all until much later in the story.  The cattiness is just funny to watch.

 

 

8. Middlemarch (1994)

Rufus Sewell’s afro!

 

I started reading George Eliot’s novel Middlemarch when my then-fiancé, now-husband’s mom was reading it and was disappointed that more people didn’t give it a fair shot.  I mean, it is long and not everyone has the literary stamina to really appreciate this 900 page masterpiece, but luckily, I DO! I ended up really enjoying it and was happy to discuss it with her last Christmas.  We talked about the characters we loved and hated, how its being published was a feminist victory, and how we would both like to sit down and chat with George Eliot.  She suggested I watch the miniseries and I did not have to be told twice – as I stated before, I LOVE BBC miniseries.  It’s more fun than I expected since it left out many of the scenes in which men talk about politics, only leaving in the funny/important political scenes.

This is the oldest miniseries on the list and it has many of the elements of a mid-90s production that endear it to me.

 

Such as, strange flashback sequences:

How could this happen! Over and over and over again!

How could this happen! Over and over and over again!

And weird hair styles:

Rocking the 19th century 'do

Even old Sir Godwin is laughing at her hair

Besides those things, this miniseries has its ups and down as far as entertainment value goes.  It can be a bit tedious at times (usually when the men are talking), but when something dramatic happens – and it frequently does – I am often caught gasping and covering my mouth from the scandal of it all!  George Eliot’s story is a marathon of a read and the miniseries is 6 1-hour long episodes, but if you get through them, you find a better understanding of human folly and a realism you don’t find in other stories on this list.  Not all the good characters end well and the bad characters don’t end as badly as you would wish.  Poor Dr. Lydgate, for example, made a very unfortunate marriage (a common occurrence in this story), and he has to give up his lofty ideals and ambitions to make the world better through scientific inquiry and reform of medical practice in order to care for gouty old rich men so he can pay for his wife’s pretentious and extravagant lifestyle. The epilogue offers no comfort for his fans who just want to see him end well.

In any case, the female characters really take the lead in this story (shouldn’t be too surprising since George Eliot was a woman).  Some are great and inspiring (Dorothea Brooke and Mary Garth), some are harmless non-entities (Celia Brooke and Mrs. Cadwallader), and some are entitled and manipulative (Rosamond Vincy).  They all showcase different possible aspects of a woman’s character and the story is richer for giving them all a unique voice.

 

7. Northanger Abbey (2007)

Felicity Jones waiting for her Oscar moment.

Felicity Jones waiting for her Oscar moment.

 

So you know how Kiera Knightley seemed to be the British it girl of the last decade? Well, I believe this decade belongs to the lovely Carrie Mulligan.  She is so in right now! Her character Isabella Thorpe is so wicked and sensational that you will find yourself much drawn in by her charm, much in the way our main character Cathy is.

The cast of this miniseries is just so much yes… Oh my stars, is that Felicity Jones before she was nominated for an Oscar!?  Yes, yes, it is.  Jones plays Austen’s heroine

Hmm... I wonder what happened here.

Hmm… I wonder what happened here, Isabella.

Catherine Morland in this satirical treatment of a Gothic novel. She is brought up in the country and her mind is allowed to run wild with what she reads in novels – including novels about naughty monks and vampires.  Then, she is taken by some wealthy family friends to Bath to enjoy city life. She is quite swept up in the drama (both real and imagined) of her new acquaintances, including Isabella and Mr. Tilney and the mysterious, possibly haunted Abbey he lives in!

What's your dowry look like, Ms. Morland? Are there... onions?

What’s your dowry look like, Ms. Morland? Are there… onions?

 

Also,  Sir Davos Seaworth of Game of Thrones was there!  Only meaner and less open-minded.

Northanger Abbey also enjoys the great distinction of having Mr. Tilney as its main love interest, as he is easily the most likable of the Austen heroes (yes, debatable).  In defense of this controversial claim: he enjoys dancing (take that, Mr. Darcy!); he is funny and likes a good joke; he is wealthy, but amiable (which helps when he is maybe less wealthy later on); and he is oh, so handy with picking out a nice muslin for a new dress!  Beyond all that, he is just smart and kind and fun in a way that most of the other Austen heroes are not!

 

 

 

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Poor Mrs. Allen!

 

6. Jane Eyre (2006)

OMG why is Mr. Rochester so smoldery?!

Hello there, ladies. Watch while I smolder.

This is a really beautiful and faithful adaption of a story that gets mired in controversy and general haterism (Yes, I have read Wide Sargasso Sea AND Madwoman in the Attic. No, loving Jane Eyre does not mean I’m anti-feminist), but all I can say is I’m really digging this Mr. Rochester.  For all his adultery and locking up of mad wives, he is just plain lovable in this adaptation.  He loves Pilot (his Irish Wolfhound), he’s rakish without being too vulgar, and he really does love Jane.  And what’s not to love about this Jane!  She is full of life and spirit and you-go-get-em-girlfriendedness!  They try their best to make her appear plain, but she is still beautiful in a very real way, as opposed to the clasic Hollywood way.  I love that she’s outspoken and stands up to both people she loves and people who wish her ill. As Dumbledore once said,

Neville = the real hero

Her situation is sucky, but she uses what little agency her own meager means afford her and she makes her own decisions.  She loves whoever she wants, gives away her fortune to whoever she wants, and runs away and WANDERS IN THE GOD-FORSAKEN MOORS for as long as she wants.  And you gotta love her for that.

(Side note: St. John Rivers is the WORST.)

 

5. Emma (2009)

Shine bright like a diamond, Emma.

Shine bright like a diamond, Emma.

 

This treasure of a miniseries stars Romola Garai, who is just a delight!  She is almost as perfect as Jonny Lee Miller as Mr. Knightley! This miniseries is tinted in mostly soft, pastel palettes, reflecting how truly light and happy Emma’s world is.  She never has to suffer from poverty or deficiency in health or anything worse than the emotional growing pains that come from maturing into a better understanding of herself and her place in the world (yes, she loses her mother when she is very young, but even she will tell you that she does not remember or feel the trauma of it).

Mr. Woodhouse looking properly wary of your cake.

Mr. Woodhouse looking properly wary of your cake.

Her father, played by Dumbledore 2.0, is wretchedly terrified that something will happen to Emma and is crazy over-protective. Like, won’t-let-her-have-cake protective, despite his physician seeing nothing wrong with having some cake at a wedding.  True, his wife died of a sudden illness or something like that, but come on, Mr. Woodhouse, no cake?

Emma’s peers are not as well-off as she and each has to deal with their own important dilemmas, most of which, Emma makes worse in some way.  I always feel bad for poor, talented, tragic Jane Fairfax, who is orphaned, brought up by rich friends, but destined to be a governess unless she can find some rich, equally tragic fool to marry her. Sigh.  But Emma’s own troubles, even the main ones driving the plot, are relatively very small, which can be a comforting world to retreat into when your own troubles are piling up around you.  And even though it is hard to determine if Emma is really worthy of the wonderful Mr. Knightley, who is wise AND dreamy, I always root for her in the end!

 

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4. Bleak House (2005)

Spoooooky!

 

Bleak House is a slightly less well-known novel by Charles Dickens.  In fact, I had not even heard of the novel until I read the description of this miniseries on Netflix a few years ago.  I watched it, LOVED IT, but have not been able bring myself to read the novel.  There is just something about Dickens novels that is so blah and samey, but this does not affect the miniseries adaptations because Bleak House is SO FUNNY despite its bleakness. It follows a group of characters all waiting for the courts to make a ruling about a certain estate that doesn’t have a single clear will guiding its disposition.  This estate is worth CRAZY MONEY – like never have to work a day in your life for a couple of generations money.  There are rumors that there might be a last will lost somewhere that would clear it all up, but until it is found the possible heirs have to wait and watch as lawyers do nothing to further their case.  I actually learned a lot about the inner workings of the 19th century British court system (sexy, I know) through Dickens’s satirical lens.

 

 

The best character in the whole show is Mr. Guppy.

TEAM GUPPY 4 LYFE

I’m Guppy and I know it. – gif by WEEDgoku420

He is tragically in love with our main heroine, Ms. Esther Summerson, whom he frequently refers to as “my angel.”  Mr. Guppy doesn’t have the class, tact, moral fiber, or even properly posh accent to woo Esther, but he does try his darndest.  Some might try to belittle his feelings of TRUE LOVE because he abandoned his courtship when he saw that Esther’s face was scarred by small pox, but he took up his quest for her hand again as soon as her scars faded tolerably well!

This story is full of twists and turns and I think its relative obscurity helped make every scandalous reveal a real surprise.  Since I had never even heard of the book, I was genuinely excited to see what happened next and was delighted that the miniseries is 8 50-minute long episodes!  YAY!

Also, Anna Maxwell Martin and Gillian Anderson (both mentioned previously in this list) are in this miniseries and they are just perfect!

If you need anymore reason to love this one, Tywin Lannister shows up pretty frequently and is surprisingly unchanged as the strategic, hard-hearted Mr. Tulkinghorn.

And using this impressive bit of lawyering on my part, we shall take the North!

And using this impressive bit of lawyering on my part, we shall take the North!

 

3. Sense and Sensibility (2008)

Guess which one the more "free-spirited one" is.

Guess which one the more “free-spirited one” is.

 

I know nothing beats Professor Snape as Colonel Brandon, but this Sense and Sensibility has it all!  Captain America’s Howard Stark as rascally Mr. Willoughby, an amazing tubby ginger kid as little Master Dashwood, Colonel Brandon’s ward and her Zoey Deschanel bangs, sword fights!, adorable Dan Stevens as Edward Ferrars before Downton Abbey, and Margaret.  Margaret is one of my favorite examples of a non-character in a book who gets an amazing character makeover and becomes the best part of the entire adaptation.  Seriously, I wish that someone would make one of those fanfic sequels based on this rendering of Margaret. (Okay, fine! I’ll do it! Haha!)  Margaret, who is only about 11, follows in the great literary footsteps of Shakespeare’s Lady Macbeth and Beatrice by wishing that she and her sisters were men because if they were men, no one would dare treat them so badly; men can go out and do things and women have to wait for things to happen to them and she is sick of it.  She hates living in a society where their home and worldly goods can be lawfully taken from them because their half-brother is easily led by his mean-spirited wife.

"I'm going to hide down here until feminism is a thing."

“I’m going to hide down here until feminism is a thing.” -Margaret

Despite her many winning qualities, Margaret is not the main character, of which the book/miniseries has two.  Elinor and Marianne are faithfully portrayed and, as in all good adaptations, they are given depth that is easier to convey in a visual medium.

Elinor is shown having an emotional break down out of sight of others because of the INNER TURMOIL she must conceal.  And you can actually watch Marianne falling for the dastardly Mr. Willoughby and you are maybe falling for the scoundrel a little, too.  The slight blue tint of the world in this series reflects the ocean – the literal one that is always just in the background ready to dominate the setting, and the figurative one that seems to separate our heroines from fulfilment and happiness and self-knowledge.

And then, there’s Anne Steel with her whole thing with London men being either “smart beaux” or “nasty preening beasts,” which is just hilarious!

"Uh oh, did I do that?" - Anne Steele

“Uh oh, did I do that?” – Anne Steele

Bonus photo of tubby little Master Dashwood!

Bonus photo of tubby little Master Dashwood!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2. Henry Fielding’s Tom Jones, A Foundling (1997)

It's not unusual to be loved by anyone! Oh, wrong Tom Jones.

It’s not unusual to be loved by anyone! Oh, wrong Tom Jones…

 

Tom Jones is a romping good time! – like for reals, I often feel like romping around when I watch this one. The titular hero is so full of life and mischief that I begin to feel infected by the same joie de vivre! – that is until he is hit by misfortune after misfortune with no end but a bad one in sight.  Tom is the good-natured scamp who is taken in by Squire Allworthy after he is abandoned by his mother for the perennial sin of being a bastard child.  Mr. Allworthy raises him side-by-side with his own legitimate heir/nephew/wanker, young Master Blifil (that’s right, Blifil, Fielding sure can name characters).  Tom makes some bad choices here and there, but his heart is usually in the right place, even if his pants aren’t (if you know what I mean ;D ); meanwhile, Blifil is just a low, conniving, weedling sissy-pants who does all that he can to bring Tom down in the world.  Besides Blifil, there are other antagonists you just love to hate, like Mr. Square and Rev. Thwackum, both also aptly-named.

The main female character is Sofia Western, who is fun and curious and good-natured as a child and, though she becomes hilariously spoiled as she grows up, she never changes in essentials.  She loves Tom, but doesn’t trust him to be faithful, for good reason, so she wants the best for him, but won’t commit to him – a real integrity-move for her time.  Misfortune befalls her too, as her father (the best-acted part in the show) agrees to marry her to Master Blifil (eww, gross!) and she decides to run away to relatives who might be more sympathetic living in London.

There are a lot of reasons to love this miniseries and the book from which it’s adapted – the satisfaction of seeing good people end well and bad people end poorly, the bawdy humor, every scene with the INSANE Squire Western

 

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– but I have to admit that my favorite part is the twisty turny love story filled with obstacles and uncertainties. Those are the ones I usually find the most satisfying when told in a long ( I’ve read all 1000+ pages of the novel), brilliant work of art.  Speaking of romantic works of art…

 

1. Pride and Prejudice (1995 aka “the good one”)

"The Good One"

“The Good One”

 

To be honest, I tried hard not to let P&P take the top spot.  I wanted to seem cool and a little “anti” by listing this as anything but first, but let’s be even more honest here: THAT WOULD BE AN OUTRIGHT TRAVESTY.  To put it mildly, this miniseries is an Andrew Motherloving Davies masterpiece.

I will begin with the confession that this has for years been my go-to sick day show (originally inspired by my great and often-ill delicate flower of a friend, Anne).  I’m sick, staying home, made some soup, and I snuggle in and must make the difficult decision between Disc 1 and Disc 2 of the DVD boxed set.  Disc 1 is for a long illness or for when I am feeling ambitious about staying awake through the cold/flu medicine.  Skipping to Disc 2 is for when I know I don’t have the luxury of being able to watch watch both because Disc 2 is where it all goes down: the aftermath of the proposal, the spiteful letter, meeting the new and improved Darcy, Lydia’s scandal, and the story’s wonderful resolution.  I can recite most of the show as it’s playing out on my screen (usually from “Disc 2,” and often with Anne reciting along) and I usually laugh before a funny scene has quite gotten to the funny part out of sheer anticipation.  One thing I have really enjoyed mastering from so many viewings is the ability to read into all the little twitches of Mr. Darcy’s/Colin Firth’s mouth and eyes and learning to interpret them as intense and profound emotions.  You’ll notice that, for a romantic hero, he doesn’t show a lot of outward emotion (besides the fencing and the lake diving), so you learn to read the tiniest of smiles as broad grins of unabashed joy and the almost-blank stares as heart-wrenching looks of longing, which is a lot more satisfying than you might think.

ALL THE FEELS

ALL THE FEELS

A couple of other things you notice as a frequent viewer is the myriad of extras with absurd facial hair and the adorable extra scenes, such as when the dog begins to howl along with Mary’s piano playing at the assembly in Meryton.

Another confession: even though I was for years an adamant Mrs. Darcy hopeful, I was always secretly in love with Bingley.  Yes, yes he is easily talked out of his convictions and he has a shockingly low opinion of himself, but at least he is kind and mindful of other people’s feelings and doesn’t go around insulting everyone to their face (or even behind their back probably) like some other dreamy hunks we all know and love.

Like night and day.

Like night and day.

Speaking of dreamy hunks, any form of opinion given about this miniseries is incomplete without at least a mention of the infamous wet shirt scene.

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I usually start a-swooning in Darcy’s scene before this one where he is spiritedly fencing with an older gentleman in order to repress his RAGING INNER PASSION AND ANGUISH. But I definitely hit full levels of figurative swoonage when he plunges into that lake to soothe his ACHING *SOUL (*read loins if you choose).

Okay, enough about the male leads, the real stars are the females in this one.  Elizabeth Bennet is accurately praised as being one of the greatest and most complex characters ever written.  She refuses to let her circumstances dictate everything about her life and defies the people who would see her “put in her place.”  Many people will argue that she never really had any hardship and she was just stubborn, but those people can keep their ill-formed opinions to themselves and steer clear of making a real scholarly debate with me. Anyway, Jennifer Elle is the best Elizabeth Bennet who has ever graced the screen and it is a testament to the great casting in this show that no one character is outshined by any of the others – they are a very harmonious ensemble. Jane is appropriately pretty, Mary is plain and sullen, Kitty is fairly non-descript, and Lydia has them crazy eyes. Mr. Bennet is amused by everything, Mrs. Bennet is sent into nervous fits over everything, and Mr. Collins is an oafish brown-noser who can’t stop talking about Lady Catherine de Bourgh. It’s all perfect.

The Sisters Bennet

The Sisters Bennet

Reasons I Do Not Update My Blog

1. I am in grad school

I spend all of my time in a building designed by M.C. Escher hearing people who haven’t worked in a library in 10+ years prattle on about “What IS information” and “the philosophical meaning of the public library” and how we decide what’s GOOD for our patrons, as if the very fact of BEING a professor in library science weren’t elitist enough. Sometimes other people talk and it is interesting. Most of the time other people talk and they are either A) trying to impress the professor and therefore incomprehensible, B) telling meandering and irrelevant stories about their personal lives, or C) both. When I am not there, I am at home reading the same thing but in written form, and pretending I agree for grades. Sometimes there are also practical assignments, which tend to take three weeks and twenty-five group meetings.

2. I have a job

I get paid to part-timedly do a full time job. It’s like being a public school teacher, but with even more complainy parents and way less vacation.

3. I AM IN GRAD SCHOOL

I don’t think this can be stressed enough

4. The Winterpocalypse is coming

The Weather Channel’s headline this morning was “Winter Misery”. I have decided to just prepare for a hurricane while wearing three sweaters.

5. You can’t believe everything you read

Interesting story: the runner up for the title of my blog was “The Daily Narwhal”. The joke would be that it would neither be daily, nor a narwhal. Hilarious!

Now I am going to read 100 pages of something about how “people negotiate their information needs”, buy batteries, and go to sleep for the first time in like two days.

Things That Are Going to Annoy Me Today

I’m not psychic (very often) but I can predict right now what things are going to annoy me today.

1. It’s cold outside, but the bus will be a sauna. Everyone will be packed against each other and sweating in their big jackets. It will be disgusting.
2. Slow girls in high heels, short skirts, and tights will walk slowly in front of me, complaining about how cold they are and how far it is to walk across campus.
3. It’s cold outside, but the computer lab where I have my first class will somehow manage to be EVEN COLDER. It’s been this way all semester, the thermostat will argue, why should anything change now? Shortly before I leave for my second class, a light dusting of frost will appear on all the monitors.
4. Since it’s the last day of cataloging, Goth Prof told us to send her topics that we were interested in so that we could look at those in more detail. Just as a guess, I’m betting no one has burning interest in any area of cataloging that they think we just haven’t covered in more detail. Goth Prof will then decide to show us all the different subject headings for cats.
5. Goth Prof actually has a sticker on the back of her laptop that says “Meowist” with a little cat dressed up to look like Mao and a bunch of red stars. I have been staring at it ALL SEMESTER and only realized last Thursday what it was trying to tell me. It will annoy me that I didn’t realize this earlier. I will attempt to take a picture with my cellphone, but that will also fail.
6. Today will probably be the last time I ever see Goth Prof, and I still have not solved the mystery of why she is like 26 and still Goth.
7. I will slip on the stairs as I’m coming home.
8. Having to go to work.
9. Having to drive so far to work.
10. Traffic.
11. My first tutoring group of the day will not stop talking. I will threaten them. They will ignore me. My attempts to bribe them will work marginally better, but not really.
12. My second tutoring group will consist of one good student, one good student who was free basing pixie sticks before coming in (only possible explanation), and one easily distracted student who hates math. Deadly combination.
13. Having to drive so far to get home.
14. I will slip on the stairs (again).
15. My apartment will not have magically filled with ball pit balls.
16. We will be out of sandwich meat.
17. The hot water will cut off about 2/3 of the way through my shower.
18. We will also be out of juice. 🙁

Things I Am Now An Expert On After Just ONE Semester of Grad School

Granted, the last day of classes isn’t till next week, so I still have time to become an expert in at least three more things. Consider this list a work in progress:

1. Getting off an entirely too crowded bus without smacking anyone in the face with my bag Some of the undergrads still need to learn how to do this
2. Looking like an incredibly serious studier in the SILS library when I am really just reading trashy teen girl novels This week’s is about a slutty California girl and a prim English girl who switch places! Recipe for amazing? Or just trite Prince and the Pauper knock off?
3. American Born Chinese
4. Finding information about causes of the American Revolution (still in progress)
5. Wheedling Steven into doing ALL of the cooking
6. And the laundry
7. Being cold
8. Bribing children into doing what I want
9. Writing poorly plotted novels way fast.
10. Negotiating an apartment full of appliances/fixtures that all ALMOST work exactly right
11. Making my parents feel guilty about how I’m Gonna Make It On My Own Christmas is going to be awesome
12. Ignoring my blog for long stretches of time Luckily I don’t think anyone’s noticed. Or maybe sadly.
13. Every program in Microsoft Office Except PowerPoint but we’re starting that today! It’s funny how the waiver form for this course wanted you to know all these programming languages, but the actual course is just an intense semester-long Microsoft Office tutorial.
14. Being resigned Some battles aren’t worth fighting. Like the battle to get my collection development prof to give us any grades ever.
15. Not slipping and falling down the stairs every time it rains You may laugh, but they are MAD dangerous. Three people have already plummeted down them.

Things I Miss About Houston

This week I’ve been preparing for my triumphant return to H-Town next weekend to see my one-act and collect my royalties, which have been upped from three pies to three pies and one trashy romance novel after I valiantly and selflessly agreed to add ten more lines of dialogue at two a.m. I’m not really sure if it’s humanly possible to eat three pies in two days, but I’m excited to find out. You know, FOR SCIENCE.

Anyway, I made a list of all the things I miss about H-Town that I want to be sure to do while I’m there. Then they were all restaurants and I realized I couldn’t eat lunch twelve times on Friday. So I’ve decided to dig deeper, and think about what non-food things I miss about H-Town.

1. On-Ramps

It's like I'm leaving in the futuristic dystopia... TODAY!

It's like I'm living in the futuristic dystopia... TODAY!

Steven has always said that, unlike him, I’m a “natural Houston driver”, which I assume means “not a total wuss”. I really miss the needless enormity of the Houston highway system. Sure, it ruins the landscape, but I always feel like I’m entering a giant game of pinball as I speed up the oddly inclined on ramps or am about to rocket into a hover car skyscape a la The Jettsons. Sure, North Carolina roads are less intrusive and more in tune with the natural environment, but they make me feel two-thirds less like a super spy.
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Roadtrip: We Are Failures

So sometime around Minnesota Steven and I decided to cut short our–admittedly kind of ambitious–road trip. Here are the reasons:

1. Due to either the massive amounts of cottonwood pollen or possibly just fatigue, both of us are sick.
2. Tiredness
3. I’m sick of driving for eight hours every day
4. Steven’s sick of waking up early
5. I’m almost positive I’m dying of malnutrition
6. Trixie is starting to become really whiny and picking angry bagpipe songs on my iPod just to annoy me
7. We only have one Kresley Cole romance novel left to read
8. We’re almost out of money

It is not, as Trixie would have you believe, because we didn’t think anything could top Minneapolis. Syracuse, I’m sure, would have blown that carousel out of the water. I called Rob on his birthday to break the news. He said he was surprised we’d made it this far. I’m glad I inspire such confidence.

The plan was to drive South to Tennessee where, among other things, there are free relatives houses to stay at, and then to Florida. I assume Steven will make us stop to see the Coke museum in Atlanta as well.

Roadtrip: Staving Off Adulthood One Tourist Trap At A Time

Almost exactly one year ago, I was sitting in Scotland, wondering why it was so cold in March, when everyone knows it should be at least 80. I’m not really clear on what the temperature actually was since I never bothered with converting from Celsius since the equation would inevitably be: 9C/5 + 32= TOO COLD. Anyway, I was also wondering if I could actually spend not one but two more summers explaining to disgruntled people why the library doesn’t shelve books by color for minimum wage. So I started plans for the roadtrip to end all roadtrips, designed to cover everything anyone abroad had ever asked me about America. See, when I first got there, I had a lot of conversations like this:

Scottish person: You’re from America! That’s cool! Have you been to LA? Have you seen Zac Efron?
Me: No. And no.
Scottish person: New York?
Me: I mean… this one time in middle school… okay, not really.
Scottish person: The Grand Canyon?
Me: I mean… it’s just a big hole in the ground…
Scottish person: Wait, so… where in the States are you from?
Me: Florida. Texas. Kind of.
Scottish person: Miami?
Me: No… it’s like a ten hour drive from my house.
Scottish person: Right. Okay. (awkward silence)

So that’s why the tentative route looks something like this:
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Things That Spell Our Doom–1

Since I have no class on Fridays, I usually spend the day drawing inane comics about myself fighting crime or honing my paranoia into a finely sharpened point of irrational fear and stockpiled canned goods. Hey, if you have a plan for even the most unlikely worst case scenario, you never have to waste an unnecessary two hours having the awkward “Okay, who do we eat first?” discussion. And because I care about you, all three of you reading this, I’ve decided to share my plans for defeating the Top Five Things That Spell Our Doom (today, anyway).

1. The West Side Story Mafia

“But, Patricia,” you will say. “Everyone knows that West Side Story was over last weekend and so you have no more reason to complain.” WRONG ON BOTH COUNTS, MY FRIEND. I can always find a reason to complain, and they only want you to think they have disbanded. These people practiced for at least four hours a night for three months. Now that the show is officially over, their lives are filled with empty holes and devoid of meaning. A mob without a purpose. Just waiting to wreak untold havoc and reveal its secret agenda. I have a hunch about that too. Because the Wiess commons currently looks like this:

Laziness... OR DIABOLICAL PLAN??

Laziness... OR DIABOLICAL PLAN??

What are they planning on doing with all those stage pieces? Clearly, they will soon institute Phase II of their plan to take over Wiess by using them to build a giant barricade around the Wiess Commons, forcing those of us who still resist them to give up our claims to Wiess or starve to death.

The Plan: Graduate! In a month, I won’t care who owns the commons! Until then, I think I can subsist on the box of Triscuits I just found in my room. DO YOUR WORST, CAITLIN MILLER!
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