The Plaid Pladd

I’ve already callously ranked Disney princesses and Disney villains, so it’s only right that I next callously rank Disney Princes, using the incredibly arbitrary Would I Date Them scale. As before, I’m using The Official List.

10. Prince Adam/The Beast

Points for fashion, though

The Beast is the worst. Which sucks for Belle, who’s relatively high on my list of Disney princesses. His list of crimes includes kidnapping, verbal and physical abuse, and probably treating his servants like inanimate objects long before they were actually inanimate objects. I just can’t get behind the narrative of “stay with your abusive rage beast of a boyfriend. You can change him!”

9. John Smith

Where the hummingbird BFF is one of the more historically accurate parts of the movie

I’m trying to just judge based on the wildly inaccurate Disney movie and not what I know about history, but it’s hard not to read Pocahontas through a historical lens, when we know that John Smith’s arrival is just the first in a series of increasingly violent incursions that will bring certain death to Pocahontas’ people. So not really swoonworthy, no.

8. Prince Florian/Ferdinand

Minus points for fashion

Prince Florian does fuck-all. He’s such a non-character that official sources can’t even agree on his actual name. The only thing he does in Snow White is kiss a dead girl.

7. Prince Philip

I find the horse more dateable, honestly

Prince Philip has similar issues to Prince Florian in that you can’t just go around macking on incapacitated girls it is not romantic. Unlike Prince Florian, this isn’t the only facet to his character. He fights a creepy-ass dragon, which is pretty cool.

6. Prince Charming

So your NAME is Charming?

Prince Charming is the neutral point of Disney’s princes. He’s not really anything. Sure, he decides a girl is his OTL after meeting her once, but that’s about par in a Disney universe, and at least he doesn’t take advantage of unconscious girls. Low bar, here, obviously.

5. Aladdin

I can’t decide if his hammer pants are plus or minus points

I like Aladdin okay. He’s funny and crafty, and, despite a hard life on the streets, still has a unfailing moral compass. It’s weird that he dresses his pet monkey in a smaller version of his own outfit (definite psychosis there, right?), and he does a little too much lying to Princess Jasmine to earn a higher ranking.

4. Prince Eric

Eric is the hot surfer dude of Disney princes

Okay, so some of this might be nostalgia, since The Little Mermaid was my favorite Disney movie for a long time, but Eric is pretty great. Here is why he is dateable: 1) Plays a musical instrument, 2) Helps the homeless by inviting them to stay indefinitely in his castle, 3) Will drive a ship into your enemies. The only reason he’s not higher is because he’d probably cheat on you and then blame hypnosis.

3. Eugene Fritzherbert/Flynn Rider

Laaaaaaadies

I did not like this movie, and I didn’t really care for Rapunzel, but Flynn Rider is unarguably one of the hottest Disney princes. Plus, he’s funny and clever and comes with a useful horse sidekick. I wouldn’t trust him, but I would date him, at least for a summer.

2. Prince Naveen

Any dude who can play a ukulele, right?

Prince Naveen KNOWS how to have fun. He would be a great date! Maybe the most fun date on this list! He learns a lot during The Princess and the Frog to not be a total selfish jerk, but I still think he’s too much of a man-baby for long-term BF material.

1. Li Shang

Let’s get down to business

Li Shang can get it. He’s dedicated, loyal, and isn’t threatened by strong women. A relationship with him would actually be a partnership, which means I would totally date him if I were able to keep up.

I decided to rank the Disney princesses, because that’s the kind of thing I do. I was surprised by the results. When asked who my favorite Disney princess is, I’m most likely to say “Merida” or “Mulan”, I guess because growing up reading Tamora Pierce makes me love anything with lady warriors. Ultimately, when deciding on the order of this list, though, I went by who I would most like to hang out with. And I love hanging out with awesome badasses, but I guess there are some other things I value more. I also used the official list of Disney princesses so characters like Megara don’t appear (sadly).

11. Snow White

Ugh, I even hate her face

Snow White is the worst Disney princess. Don’t even try to fight me on this, because it’s definitely true. Her costume is weird, her voice is annoying, and she spends a good chunk of her story either crying or asleep. Plus, she is fourteen, which makes her entire story really creepy.

10. Aurora

Subject of the original “What color is this dress?” debate

Aurora is also pretty boring and annoying. She hardly has any lines in her own movie, and, again, spends a lot of time asleep. Plus, girl gets way too friendly with random dudes she meets in the woods. Still, she’s slightly better than Snow White because she’s mostly just a cardboard cutout of a character instead of actively annoying.

9. Cinderella

But minus points for that hair because what

Finally a princess with a little personality! Unlike Snow White and Aurora, I feel like I know more about Cinderella as a person, even if it’s a person I’m not that jazzed about hanging out with. She’s not afraid of hard work, and her initial life experiences will probably make her a compassionate ruler who doesn’t take her wealth for granted. I wish she had a little more spirit instead of just doing whatever her Evil Stepmother or her Fairy Godmother says, though.

8. Rapunzel

And Obligatory Disney Animal Sidekick, of course

I like Rapunzel’s optimism and her curiosity. She would be fun to hang out with for an afternoon, but I think her relentless cheeriness would eventually wear me down. Like, sometimes I just want to make fun of how bad something is (like Snow White). And you can try to make me feel guilty about that, but I won’t. Plus, why do you have a pet lizard.

7. Ariel

I am REALLY surprised to see Ariel so far down on this list

When I was little, Ariel was definitely my bff. She was curious and rebellious and headstrong. But, while I still like her, adult-me thinks she is kind of dumb. Like, OKAY, you think forks are combs even though the mermaid-world must be eating their food with something. But why doesn’t she step up her attempts at communication? Girl signed a contract so she’s clearly literate. Write Prince Eric a note! Draw him a picture! Don’t just wave your hands awkwardly and then give up. I need a little more ingenuity in my Disney Princess Fave.

6. Jasmine

Plus, those pants look hella comfortable

Jasmine is the only character in her movie with any sense at all. NO, DAD, I am not just going to marry some random losers because you think 15 is too old to be an old maid, EW. And hey, this Jafar guy is CLEARLY EVIL, let’s stop listening to him. I like that she calls Aladdin on his shit for lying to her. Plus, a pet tiger is metal as hell. Jasmine is solid. The only reason she’s not higher is because she’s clearly led a really sheltered life so far, so other princesses beat her out on the fun-to-hang-with scale (a very scientific measurement).

5. Pocahontas

Not taking into account historical accuracy because wow

Pocahontas knows what’s up. She has clear goals (which aren’t just “get a dude”) and she shows equal measures of compassion and backbone. She argues with John Smith when he’s patronizing, but also doesn’t think that straight up killing the invaders is necessarily the answer. Plus, she can climb trees, dive off cliffs, and paint with all the colors of the wind, so you know we would have a good time hiking and meeting bear cubs and whatnot. The only downside is that she has some freaky supernatural powers. Not only is her grandmother a tree, but she learns English instantaneously by “listening to her heart”. What else is her heart telling her? All my secrets? That I haven’t washed my hair in three days? You can see why hanging with her would be a risk.

4. Belle

Belle’s fashion game is on point

Belle loves to read! Clearly we would have a lot to talk about! She wants more adventures and doesn’t put up with gross jerks. We would clearly be good friends, although maybe not BEST friends, because her idea of adventure is “taming” a dude and getting married. You can’t change him, girlfriend, and my adventures generally involve at least a scavenger hunt so… pass.

3. Merida

Give me that hair.

I love Merida’s attitude and her adventurous spirit. She’s in a similar situation to Jasmine, but her solution is not just to whine about it, but to DO SOMETHING to assert her autonomy. I also like how she grows as a person so much during her story and begins to appreciate both of her parents and what they’re trying to do for her. Plus, her style is what I want forever.

2. Mulan

Your awkwardness speaks to me

Mulan is so amazing!!!!!!!! I have no complaints about her at all. If anything, I’m worried that I’m not awesome enough to hang with her. She doesn’t fit in to the strict gender roles of her society and feels awkward dressed up fancy wearing make up (I HEAR YOU, GIRL). She takes drastic measures to save her father and works hard to become a warrior!!! Then she SAVES CHINA!!! Also, she gets a hot dude in the end, but I like how that’s never her top priority. Girl’s gotta live her life–AWESOMELY–and you can come along if you want to, Li Shang, if you can keep up.

1. Tiana

Reason number one: girl can cook

Tiana is the best. Tiana is who I most want to hang out with. Tiana wins everything. She decided her dream was to open a restaurant so she worked as hard as humanly possible to save up the money, working against racism and sexism to finally achieve her dreams. She doesn’t take any of Prince Naveen’s shit, but she still helps him even when he’s acting like a spoiled baby. Plus, at the end, even though she finds her OTL, she still achieves her dream of opening a restaurant!! Tiana is an awesome role model, and would make a great friend. And that is why she is my top pick for best Disney Princess. She has a lot in common with Mulan, but she achieves her success by working within the system instead of radically undermining it. Both are legit, but I feel like one is less scary for people like me to accomplish. Plus, Tiana has beignets.