Posts Tagged ‘Bridget’

Goodbye Rice email address

Supposedly today is the day Rice finally deletes my old email address, although I have gotten three things from the TFW list serv today so this may be a lie. Still, in preparation for the impending severing of my last link with Rice University (besides my ongoing frenemy relationship with World’s Most Powerful Cyborg, William Marsh Rice [more on that later]), I went through and saved any old emails I thought would be pertinent to archive for posterity. Because I’m just that much of a librarian. Here are the best bits from the last year (I got bored after July 2008). I arranged them in such a way that, I think, they tell a kind of story about my time at Rice:

July 2008
“If I can’t fuel my car with them, what am I supposed to do with all these cans of creamed corn?”

September 2008
Dear James Fox,
The narrative force behind my dream last night was rescuing you from the Amish. I’m not sure why they wanted you in the first place, but it would explain your fear of modern things like shaving and haircuts. If you are actually being held hostage by the Amish, I will of course rush to your aid. Although I suppose I would hear about it by carrier pigeon or through the Amish Underground Railroad, not email. It will be just like my dream except Rob will not be there complaining the whole time and I may actually do something useful instead of running away from haunted trees. Apparently Amish country is full of them. In conclusion, sorry I didn’t rescue you from the Amish. I promise to try harder next time/in real life.
Patricia”

October 2008
“Rachel says you are only allowed to cheat on your boyfriend if you are in another country (where it doesn’t count), with a foreign exchange student (like being in another country), or with someone who has the same name as your boyfriend (comes with the good excuse: “Well… he said his name was Steven… I thought it was you”. Understandable mistake.)”

December 2008
“I am not saving you from zombies. You took the class; you fend for yourself. That’s the deal. Besides I’ll have other stuff to worry about, like looting and making sure I’m the second hottest person in my Zombie Fighting Team (one hot person always dies so that you know it’s serious). Just fyi. It’s good to be ready for any eventuality”
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The List: #86 See a Psychic

At the beginning of this semester, THE 434 began compiling a List of Things To Do Before We Graduate which we have taped to our wall. You know, for motivation and to give me a reason to get out of bed on Sundays. Some of them are fairly normal and not worth talking about (#57 See Rice Baseball Game) and some I’m still not sure how we’re going to complete (#1 Meet Beyonce, #87 Steal Colleen Lamos’ Dog, #25 Get a Squirrel In the Room), although Bova has devoted her post-recital semester to the latter. She says she’s touched one when it was hanging out on the Wiess prison bars and looking the other way, but so far that’s the only development on that front.

However, last week we did complete #86: See a Psychic. We wanted to find a cheaper one so we first tried to google psychics in Houston. None of the web addresses listed were active and all of the phone numbers we tried to call had been disconnected. Clearly they knew we were looking and were trying to fly under the radar. So we decided it would be easier to just drive down Montrose and, behold, nestled amongst the tattoo parlors and adult novelty stores, we found a sign for $10 palm readings.

I had to park on a strange side street and we had to clamber through the underbrush to reach the door, so I was already fairly certain we were going to be paying with our souls/turned into mice/eaten as per every fairy tale I have ever read. The truth was less dramatic. We ended up sitting at this woman’s kitchen table while she peered at our hands and told us what diseases we probably wouldn’t have to worry about while her husband talked on the phone in the background about his insulin. Bova and Rob got off easy with three children each; I, however, am apparently doomed to have SIX children, four of them being two sets of twins. I assume all named Bridget, as per the prophecies of Rob. For a palm reader, she wasn’t very good at looking at hands; I was certain she would notice my engagement ring and say something like “You’ve already found your soul mate” as if this were some startling mystic prediction. Instead:

Gypsy Woman: What’s with this man you love who doesn’t know he loves you yet?
Me: Ummm… he asked me to marry him. So I think he knows.
Gypsy Woman: Aha ahhh! (smoker’s laugh) He’s your soul mate. A good person, but lazy. You are clearly in charge.
Me: Clearly.

Apparently I will live to be 91 and Rob will be 84, which means in the future we give up our idea of a murder-suicide pact at 28 to avoid getting old. Which seemed like an okay plan freshmen year, but now, as a senior, seems startlingly close. On the plus side, this will make list item #62: Senior Citizen’s Party! all the more easy to accomplish/ironic. The point is to dress in lumpy sweaters, eat Worther’s butterscotches and play Bingo. Clearly fun on a bun.

PS… I now have a working FAQ! Finally! A place to answer all of the questions you Frequently Ask Me!

Things That Spell Our Doom–1

Since I have no class on Fridays, I usually spend the day drawing inane comics about myself fighting crime or honing my paranoia into a finely sharpened point of irrational fear and stockpiled canned goods. Hey, if you have a plan for even the most unlikely worst case scenario, you never have to waste an unnecessary two hours having the awkward “Okay, who do we eat first?” discussion. And because I care about you, all three of you reading this, I’ve decided to share my plans for defeating the Top Five Things That Spell Our Doom (today, anyway).

1. The West Side Story Mafia

“But, Patricia,” you will say. “Everyone knows that West Side Story was over last weekend and so you have no more reason to complain.” WRONG ON BOTH COUNTS, MY FRIEND. I can always find a reason to complain, and they only want you to think they have disbanded. These people practiced for at least four hours a night for three months. Now that the show is officially over, their lives are filled with empty holes and devoid of meaning. A mob without a purpose. Just waiting to wreak untold havoc and reveal its secret agenda. I have a hunch about that too. Because the Wiess commons currently looks like this:

Laziness... OR DIABOLICAL PLAN??

Laziness... OR DIABOLICAL PLAN??

What are they planning on doing with all those stage pieces? Clearly, they will soon institute Phase II of their plan to take over Wiess by using them to build a giant barricade around the Wiess Commons, forcing those of us who still resist them to give up our claims to Wiess or starve to death.

The Plan: Graduate! In a month, I won’t care who owns the commons! Until then, I think I can subsist on the box of Triscuits I just found in my room. DO YOUR WORST, CAITLIN MILLER!
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Farewell to Bridget: the Once and Future Fish

You may not realize it, but despite the recent festivities (and all evidence to the contrary) the residents of THE 434 are WRACKED by grief at the death of our beloved friend, roommate, and noted alcoholic: Bridget, the long-lived Beta Fish. Previously thought to be immortal, her death at the age of three comes as a shock—although, as noted Betaologist Rachel Kinney astutely points out, “that’s like one million in fish years”. And so I’ve decided to compile a timeline of Bridget’s life to immortalize her greatness.
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