Posts Tagged ‘books’

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »

Protector of the Small Book 4: Lady Knight

May 27th, 2011 by pladd


This is the last book in Kel’s Protector of the Small series! AND Kel herself remarks about how ridiculous “Protector of the Small” sounds, something that’s been bothering me all month, so I’m happy she agrees. Also, this was the first Tamora Pierce book I’ve read for this project where I legitimately didn’t know ANYTHING that would happen or how it would end. True, I’d only read the very end of Squire so it had some surprises for me, but obvs you know she’s going to be a knight since the next book is called Lady Knight. I tried to make predictions for this book based on what I generally know about Tamora Pierce series and what was foreshadowed in Squire. Here’s what I thought was going to go down:

1. War with Scanra and more of those scary metal monsters! Kel will, of course, have to find the mage and kill him, as per her destiny, probably at the end of some big battle in which a bunch of her friends die.
Just like: Alanna killing Zombie!Roger during the magical earthquake and Daine killing Stormwing!Ozorne during the Battle of Legann
2. Most of those dead friends will be people we meet in Lady Knight since it is less work to kill off a character you’ve just met (pretty much for that sole purpose, like red shirted Star Trek guys).
Just like: Dead Liam, Dead Darkings, so many random soldiers
3. One important character from the whole series, however, will get Dumbledore’d to make you sad.
Just like: Faithful the Cat, Rikash the Stormwing, Thom (kind of–no one ever really liked Thom)
4. Kel will realize her OTL has been here all along and live happily ever after!
Just like: Alanna and George, Daine and Numair (gag)
5. Minor character marriages for all!
Just like: King J & Thayet, Coram & George’s Cousin, Sir Myles & George’s Mom, Daine’s Mom & Lord of the Dance

And, if pressed, my predictions for who would pair up with whom would include Neal and Yuki, and Kel and Dom. Kel and Cleon are clearly doomed as a couple since he is already engaged. I’m almost positive Lord Wyldon is going to get Dumbledore’d since his death would be tragic, surprising, and piss Kel off enough to kick some ass. Plus, I love his gradual acceptance of Kel, so I’m sure he’ll have some touching last words about how she’s better than ANY BOY or whatever. Also, Harry Potter and Joss Whedon taught me that people I like are DOOMED so I’ve started expecting it. I was also expecting at least one of her beloved animal companions to bite the dust a la Faithful the Cat.

I was pretty surprised when a lot of my predictions turned out to be wrong! Good job mixing things up, Tamora Pierce! I also didn’t anticipate at all the role Lord Wyldon assigned her: commanding a refugee camp. Unfortunately, this isn’t the boring job Kel expects because Tortall’s army apparently sucks and the enemy gets through ALL THE FREAKING TIME. The refugees at first hate Kel, but then she teaches them how to fight, and they come around to how awesome she is. All the while Kel feels guilty because the Chamber of the Ordeal told her killing that mage and getting rid of the metal death machines was her job, but she also can’t leave the refugees. Eventually she sees her duty clearly, even though it means treason, and sets off into enemy territory to see about things.

Middle School Patricia would have hated this book. There’s not enough magic, and too much being dirty and worrying about normal things like clean water. Plus, there was almost zero love connection between anyone. Since I am now all about Kel, however, I really enjoyed seeing her taking command. Oh, also, she acquires a lovable street urchin!

The Checklist

Animal Companions: Peachblossom (horse), Hoshi (second horse), Jump (dog), sparrows, plus lots of other random animals, thanks to Daine
Magical Bling: Stylish griffin feather headband lets you see through illusions!
Love Interests: Cleon and Kel are still sort of in a long distance relationship; still crushing on Dom
Old Friends: Raoul is, natch, also in this war, although he’s at one of the forts; Daine and Numair come around to help out a few times

The Play-by-Play

Chapter one: Storm Warnings
Kel keeps dreaming about the mage making the metal monsters. Warlod Maggur is now king of Scanra, so he has every clansman to throw at Tortall. Kel sneaks back into the Chamber of Ordeal to try to get some deets, but it tells her it doesn’t understand human time. All she finds out is that the mage’s name is Blayce.

Chapter two: Tobe
The army’s riding north! Prince Roald misses his fiance Princess Shinkokami and Neal misses Yukimi, who is apparently More Than A Crush. At the inn they stop at, Kel walks in on the innkeeper beating one of his indentured servants, an orphan boy whom Kel is pretty sure has wild magic with horses. Kel buys the boy’s indentured servant contract, cleans him up, and buys him clothes. His name is Tobe, and at first he thinks Kel must be “drunk, or takin’ a drug” but promises that if she doesn’t send him back to the innkeeper he’ll help her “carry your wine jug, an’ cut the poppy brick for you to smoke”. Best servant ever! Kel has him help her with the horses and clean weapons instead. Read the rest of this entry »

Tagged: , , ,

Posted in Book Reviews |

24 for 24

May 20th, 2011 by pladd

Tomorrow is my 24th birthday! Today is Steven’s 26th birthday, but who cares about that? If he wanted things to be all about him, he would have his own blog. In case you are still searching for the perfect present (and I assume the entire Internet will get me presents), here is a list of 24 things I like that might help.
 

1. Terrible Movies


You have to be in the right mindset to watch something like Night of 1000 Cats or Stick It! or Titanic II. Luckily, I am always in that mindset.
 

2. Terrible Books

I like to think that I’m a little more discerning about the books I read than the movies I watch, but then I remembered how much I like making fun of things that try to be Twilight. Plus this summer I am going to try to tackle the ridic book Anna Baron gave me in one act payment two years ago: The Black Jewels Trilogy:

Anna Baron knows how to give gifts

 

3. Prehistoric Animals

Like an ostrich, BUT DEADLY

Dinosaurs are cool and all, but I really like all the weird stuff that came after them. I think I have seen all the National Geographic and BBC specials on stuff like this, so if you could just get me an actual leptictidium, that’d be favorite.

4. Art

For the rest of this epic face-off between James Fox and Middle School Patricia click the link in the paragraph below!

I will freely admit to being terrible at most art, but that doesn’t stop me from trying. Whether it’s making up self-involved comics as a birthday present or making a pig mascot of a lemonade tin. I think my decided lack of artistic ability has taught me some great shortcuts that can easily fool people into thinking I’m competent.

Like coloring inside the lines


Read the rest of this entry »

Tagged: , , , , , ,

Posted in lists |

Protector of the Small Book 3: Squire

May 17th, 2011 by pladd


Reading this book was a little bit weird because I know middle school Patricia stopped at Book 2, but I also vividly recalled the last few pages of this one. I’m pretty sure I was just so desperate to see if Kel finally, finally got to meet Alanna, the only Tamora Pierce heroine I cared about, that I went to the library and read the end. I know, it’s a little bit shameful. Reading the end before the rest of the book is considered a dueling offense in many librarian circles.

Anyway, for the first time since starting this project, I went into a book not really knowing what to expect. Obvs Kel must become a knight at the end since the next book in the series is called >Lady Knight, but beyond that I had no clue what would happen! In case you’ve forgotten from Alanna’s quest for knighthood, the way you become a knight in Tortall is:

1. Be a page
2. Be a squire
3. Take a ritual bath and get instructed in chivalry by two knights
4. Stay up all night in vigil in the chapel without speaking
5. Go into the magical nightmare chamber of the ordeal and quietly survive whatever it throws at you
6. KNIGHTED!

This book covers steps 2-6 for Kel, plus her first boyfriend, a lot of jousting, and near constant insults from random jerks. Some of the loose ends from Book 2, Page are tied up when the noble who paid hitmen to kidnap Kel’s maid and ruin her Page SATs is caught, his identity a surprise to no one. This book also starts to foreshadow what is going to go down in the sequel, Lady Knight as Scanra, the country on Tortall’s northern border, starts getting restive, sending raiding parties and creepy magic metal monsters to wreck up the place. At the beginning of the book, Kel is worried that no knight will choose her as a squire since Alanna is forbidden to speak to her in case someone tries to call shenanigans on her legit skillz. Luckily, Alanna’s old friend Raoul, Commander of the King’s Own, steps in, finally becoming a main character after two books of reminding us who he is. Raoul is pretty tough, but practical and fun, which pretty much describes Kel too.

I can see why Middle School Patricia got fed up before reading this book since, at the time, Kel and Co. were just not dramatic enough for her. She was frustrated when people who were mean to Kel were not SWIFTLY and IMMEDIATELY punished or shown the error of their ways, as would have happened in Song of the Lioness. I think she was annoyed that Kel and her story were a little too much like how things go in the real world. She probably should have just stuck to fanfiction. Now, of course, I really appreciate Kel’s forthright attitude, and the fact that not everyone is immediately her friend or even agrees with her in the end. It doesn’t stop her from kicking ass. Oh, she also briefly gets a pet griffin. It’s way annoying.

The Checklist

Animal Companions: Peachblossom (horse), Jump (dog), Griffin Baby, Sparrows
Magical Bling: Some griffin feathers!
Love Interests: Neal, briefly, leftover from Page; Cleon, for real reals; Dom, a slight unrequited crush
Old Friends: Raoul, of course, and Daine shows up a lot to help with this baby griffin problem

The Play-By-Play

Chapter one: Knight-Master
Welcome to the brooding practice court of backstory! Kel is sad because no knight will pick her as squire, but then Raoul picks her! Neal has been picked by Alanna because she can also teach him to heal with his magic. Kel is totes jeal, but Neal complains about Alanna’s temper. She’s just mad that no one can be as awesome as her, Neal!

Chapter two: The King’s Own
Flyndan, Raoul’s second in command, is annoyed that Raoul now has to “babysit” Kel, but everyone else seems pretty nice, especially Dom, Neal’s cute cousin! You know what they say, Kel, if you can’t have the guy you want, his cousin is almost as good. Lerant, the standard bearer, is also jealous because he thinks Kel will usurp his jobs. Read the rest of this entry »

Tagged: , , , ,

Posted in Book Reviews |

Immortals Book 4: The Realms of the Gods

May 6th, 2011 by pladd


This is the last book in The Immortals series, and the one I most remember. Daine finally makes a (pervy) love connection with Numair, discovers her father is Weiryn, God of the Hunt, and defeats Stormwing!Ozorne. Most of the action takes place in the Realms of the Gods, where Daine and Numair end up accidentally on purpose when Daine’s Mom and Dad try to rescue her from certain death. Turns out, the Realms of the Gods is pretty much just the wilderness, except all the animals are gods and more things want to kill you.

It’s interesting to finally meet Daine’s parents, and sad that I hate both of them. Her mom is really whiny, and doesn’t seem to get that girl’s got shit to do. Plus, never mentioning that the dad you refused to tell Daine anything about for some reason is a God so, hey, you might want to watch out for god-like powers? Clearly she knew it would make a much better dramatic reveal for the last book. Her dad seems to think that being a dad means 1) sending a badger to “look out for her” and 2) giving her a new bow and arrow set. New weapons are always appreciated by the fiesty ladies of Tortall, but maybe if Daine had a father figure instead of a pet badger, she would not be all about hooking up with guys 15 years older than she is.

Tamora Pierce wants us to think that Numair falls in love with Daine at the beginning of this book, ignoring all the weird jealousy and touching in Emperor Mage. In the prologue of this book, when the wall between the mortal and immortal realms finally falls for good, the narration is from Numair’s point of view as he mind melds with other magic users because of the magicsplosion, and mentions Daine’s “soft lips” too many times to not be full of sketch. Here’s an excerpt:

He could feel her blink, as if those long, dark lashes of hers touched his cheek. Suddenly he learned something that he’d never considered before. For a brief moment, that fresh knowledge erased even his sense of magical cataclysm. (3-4)

That’s right, Numair. You know she’s your OTL when thinking about her erases your sense of magical cataclysm. I have no idea why Middle School Patricia found this romantic.

 

The Checklist

Animal Companion(s): Badger God; Broad Foot (God of Platypi, or “Duck-Mole”); Gold-Streak, Leaf, and Jelly (Darkings, or those magical black things on the cover)
Magical Bling: Badger Claw (cellphone to the gods), Numair’s “DAINE OTL” locket (easier to use than putting a locator chip in her head)
Love Connections: Numair, the tall and sketchy

The Play By Play

Prologue
The barrier between the Realm of the Gods and the mortal realm is gone!! I thought this happened like three books ago, but apparently those were just small magical openings that weakened the magical wall. Now all the scary monsters imprisoned behind it are free to pour back into the mortal realms and attack everyone. Read the rest of this entry »

Tagged: , ,

Posted in Book Reviews |

Immortals Book 2: Wolf-Speaker

April 28th, 2011 by pladd


This book may have been Middle School Patricia’s favorite of the Daine-centered “Immortals” series. I think I know why: 1) Numair is gone for most of it, 2) Daine mostly just hangs out in the woods with animals, and animals are awesome, and 3) Daine’s complete inability to deal with other people is less in evidence.

This book takes place entirely in Dunlath valley, a small fief in the north of Tortall where Daine’s old wolf-pack decides they need her help. When she gets there, she discovers not just rampant deforestation for secret mines, but also a strange amount of Carthak mages who are clearly UP TO SOMETHING. Numair goes for help before the mages conveniently seal off the valley, leaving Daine and her band of furry friends to save the day.

Since Numair is hardly present for most of this book, I’m going to bring the creepy factor down to 0 out of 5.

Tamora Pierce Checklist

Animal Companion(s): Cloud (horse), Kitten (dragon baby), Brokefang + his whole pack (wolves), Tkaa (basilisk), Flicker (Squirrel)
Magical Bling: Silver badger claw/animal god pager
Love Interest(s): None, but Brokefang’s mate is still totes jeal
Song of the Lioness Character Sightings: Alanna and Raoul come to the rescue!

Wolf-Speaker by Tamora Pierce

Book 2 of The Immortals

Play-By-Play
Chapter one: Encounters
Daine and Numair meet Daine’s old wolf pack in their valley that “humans are ruining”. Stormwings are patrolling the valley and Daine finds the charred remains of a patrol of Queen’s Riders. Suspicious? Numair thinks maybe. But he has to wait a few chapters before actually doing anything about it. Read the rest of this entry »

Tagged: , , ,

Posted in Book Reviews |

Immortals Book 1: Wild Magic!

April 19th, 2011 by pladd


I know you are just hankering to know what happens in the next Tamora Pierce series, The Immortals, and don’t worry, so was I! That’s why I read all of Wild Magic yesterday so I could report back. Our heroine, Daine, is a 13-year-old orphan brimming over with “wild magic”, which basically boils down to souped up Eliza Thornberry powers.

Where Darwin is played by a horse and Donnie is a fantasy-medieval hipster

And her dad’s unfortunately not Tim Curry, but some (probably super-magic) mystery man her mom met this one night whom she’s never met. This concept is great because it combined my 13-year-old love of medieval-fantasy MAGIC with my love of HORSES, Daine’s primary animal companions. While she tries to flee her past and understand her powers, she ends up in Tortall, helping out my girl Alanna and a new character, Numair the hot sorcerer/hipster/lech. Because random mythical creatures (“immortals”) are attacking Tortall! Of course.

Middle School Patricia took awhile to warm to Daine, and even then she was never as cool as Alanna. She thought Daine was kind of boring and too shy, even though Daine’s actions pretty much mirrored what her own would have been. Alanna is what Middle School Patricia wishes she was: brave, tough, and not taking any crap. Daine is what she actually was: shy, nervous, and often confused by social interactions. Middle School Patricia was, perhaps, frustrated that here was someone even more of a wuss than her who still had awesome magical powers. And she got to hang out with Alanna. Middle School Patricia was totes jeal.

Meanwhile, my current problems with this book mostly relate to Numair, whose present inoffensiveness I can’t disentangle from my knowledge about where his storyline is going. I hoped that I had a George-like misunderstanding about him in middle school, but upon this reread I found that my memories are correct: he’s at least 28 in this book, and although he hasn’t made a move on Daine yet (besides some jubilant hugging) it’s just a few books away. In this book, he’s Daine’s teacher and clearly a sort of surrogate father-figure since she never knew her own. Which makes their eventual “happily ever after” that much creepier. But I’ll stop getting ahead of myself. For this book, anyway, the Creep Factor is a pretty low: 1 out of 5.

In case you have to ask, Middle School Patricia, of course, thought Numair was totally hot and completely romantic because, duh, he had long hair, and could turn into a hawk. Luckily, though she too was 13 at the time, she didn’t immediately start macking on any 28-year-old father figures.

Wild Magic by Tamora Pierce

Book 1 of The Immortals

Typical Tamora Pierce Checklist:
Magical Animal Companion(s): Cloud, the sassy mountain pony!
Magical Bling: a silver badger’s claw acquired in a dream!
Love Interest(s): None yet, but Numair gives her a nickname so you know it’s coming
Previous Tamora Pierce Character Sightings: Thayet (8), Alanna (7), George (4), King J (2), Dead characters living on through namesakes (4)

Play-by-Play
Chapter one: Girl with a Pony
Daine and her trusty steed, Cloud, get jobs with Onua, a horse trader headed towards Tortall because Daine seems to be able to talk to horses. Onua works for the Queen’s Riders, which are a corps of swift men and women warriors protecting small villages from raiders. They’re led by Queen Thayet!!! Daine dreams a badger is annoyed with her and then gives her a piece of its own hand. Then she wakes up and finds A SILVER BADGER CLAW OMG

Chapter two: The Hawk
Daine and Onua get attacked by Stormwings, mythical creatures that feed on corpses. Except they are totes real! They are like human/birds with metal, razor sharp wings. With her archery and magical animal powers, Daine fights them off, then finds the hawk they were chasing. The hawk is sick and Onua thinks it is SUPER IMPORTANT to cure it. Then Alanna shows up!!!! And saves the hawk, of course. Turns out, it was a man all along!

Chapter three: Spidrens and Meditation
Daine wakes up in the middle of the night and feels something is amiss! Alanna is awake too, and they end up fighting off spidrens: human/spider monsters! The hawk man turns out to be Numair the Sorcerer who was spying and got stuck as a hawk. They bond over hair products and make it to Corus, the capital. Read the rest of this entry »

Tagged: , , ,

Posted in Book Reviews |

Song of the Lioness Book 4: Lioness Rampant

April 15th, 2011 by pladd


Despite my differences with Alanna, both 12-year-old Patricia and 23-year-old Patricia were sad at the end of this, the last book in her series. Sometimes I suspect the reason I read other Tamora Pierce books (instead of just these four over and over) were to get little glimpses of her again, even if they were minor. Every time another character even mentioned her in the later Immortals and Protector of the Small books, I would squeal like the little girl I guess I was. Alanna, you will always be my homegirl.

Once again, for comparison purposes, I’ve decided to explain this book both as 23-year-old Patricia and 12-year-old Patricia.

Lioness Rampant by Tamora Pierce

Song of the Lioness Book 4

Then

Alanna is on an epic quest to find the Dominion Jewel, which is super magical!! Duke Roger is BACK and up to NO GOOD, Thom is a jerk, Jonathan is a jerk, and this new guy Liam is SUCH A JERK. Alanna should just get rid of all boys.

Alanna is way better in this book than before, especially at the end, when she kicks some more bad guy butt. She also gets a new BF who is kind of lame, but a good fighter. In the end, she gets married, to creepy George. I don’t know if I can forgive her.

Now

Alanna is off on a quest to prove herself and bring glory to the kingdom. She goes after the fabled Dominion Jewel, high in the totally-not-Himalayan mountains. Upon her return, she finds the court in chaos. Someone is planning to overthrow the new king, but who? Answer: Pretty much every villain who’s ever appeared in any Alanna book so far.

Alanna gets another love interest in this book, Liam, the Shang warrior, who is a traveling martial arts expert. She realizes that their relationship is doomed from the start, but still gets somewhat mopey when it finally ends. Pretty much everyone down to the minor characters finds love at the end of this book and, much to Middle School Patricia’s chagrin, Alanna ends up with the newly-respectable George. Alanna may be busting out of those medieval-fantasy gender conventions, but marriage is still the end of her story. Since, as a woman, you can never hope for more. Blargh.

Play by Play Notes

Chapter one: Lioness from Tortall
Alanna and Coram are in a foreign country to find a scholar to translate their treasure map. Welcome to the Inn of Backstory! Luckily, Liam the Shang Warrior Kung Fu Master is staying at the same Inn, and commences condescending flirting. The Goddess appears and is super vague, as per usual.

Chapter Two: The Road East
Alanna, Coram, and Liam are going to the Roof of the World to get the Dominion Jewel! Unfortunately, they have to travel through Sarain which is full of civil war. Liam is afraid of magic and thinks it’s cheating, but they are still kind of in love (lust?) so it doesn’t matter?

Chapter Three: The Warlord’s Daughter
They are captured by Princess Thayet who is fleeing the fighting with a group of children she rescued. Our team decides to see them safely to some city and its convent. Thayet is super gorgeous, but also knows how to fight. When they get there, the sisters tell them Thayet’s father, the Warlord, is dead, and everyone is looking for her so they can kill and/or forcibly marry her. She decides to go with Team Alanna to the Roof of the World instead.

Chapter Four: The Roof of the World
A blizzard in the mountains closes the pass she needs to take. A fortune teller tells Alanna that the pass will never be open because she’s got to prove she wants the Dominion Jewel bad enough. That night she uses her magic to make Liam sleep and sneaks off to Indiana Jones it. She gets the jewel! But Liam is super pissed she used magic on him and breaks up with her. On the way home, they meet her old knight pal Raoul who tells her that 1) the king and queen are both dead and 2) Thom brought Roger back to life. Dun Dun Duuuuuun.

Chapter Five: In the Capital of Tortall
George is still fighting a secret thief war with Claw, and everyone thinks that Jonathan’s reign will be cursed because of his zombie cousin Duke Roger. Zombie!Roger claims that his magical powers didn’t come back to life with him, but nobody buys it. Claw is actually Ralon from the first book! And he is plotting with Delia from the second book! George tells Jon they are planning on killing him even though it breaks the thief code. They set up a sting operation but Claw/Ralon gets away. Zombie!Roger yells at Delia, Slutty Princess from Book 3, and Alex, his old squire for acting without his permission.

Chapter Six: Homecoming
Yay! They’re back! Jonathan and Thayet have a love at first sight moment, everyone respects Alanna, and Thom keeps acting strange.

Chapter Seven: Period of Mourning
All Alanna’s old BFFs have important jobs now, even though Jon has not been crowned yet. Alanna feels left out until Jon makes her King’s Champion. Jon is like, “Are you SURE you don’t want to get married?” And Alanna goes, “Um, did I not just see you macking on Princess Thayet?” and Jon is all, “I NEVER go back on my word”. Alanna is all, “Whatever, no.” Jon decides to pardon George, make him a Baron, and use him as a secret agent. One of Thom’s old teachers comes to the palace because George wrote that Thom is magic-sick.

Chapter Eight: Crossroads in Time
It’s coronation day, and natch Zombie!Roger tries something! He has Claw/Ralon and Delia lead soldiers to attack the great hall while he sucks all of Thom’s magic out of him to make massive earthquakes. Alanna runs to help Thom, but he dies. Then she runs to help his teacher, but he tells her Roger’s plan, then dies. Slutty Princess attacks her with a freakin’ axe, but Faithful the Magical Talking Cat takes one for the team. Alanna runs down to the secret palace catacombs where Zombie!Roger is trying to open some magical gate, but Alex challenges her to a duel, which she wins. Zombie!Roger is all “Ha ha! You can’t kill me with that sword! I made that evil magical sword you’ve mixed in with your own.” He uses his magic to try to pull it out of her hands but she hangs on. Then she suddenly decides to let go and the sword plunges into his heart. So he’s really dead now? I guess?
Final Epic Battle Death Role Call, listed from saddest to least sad for Middle School Patricia:
Faithful, Thom’s old teacher, Liam, Thom, Zombie!Roger, Slutty Princess, Alex, Claw/Ralon

Epilogue
Alanna is back with her desert tribe trying to rest, and Thayet shows up asking for Alanna’s blessing to marry King J. Once again Alanna has to assure us that she is really, really, actually fine with it. Liam’s old friend delivers her a letter from him from beyond the grave where he basically says, “Don’t blame yourself for my death; I wanted to die being a total badass hero”. Then George comes and asks what she wants to do, and she says Get Married! The End
Final Love Connections:
Alanna & George
Jonathan & Thayet
Sir Myles & George’s Mom
Coram & George’s Cousin
Thom & A Valuable Life Lessons about Meddling With Death

Also see: Song of the Lioness Book 1: Alanna: The First Adventure
Book 2: In the Hands of the Goddess
Book 3: The Woman Who Rides Like a Man

Next up: Immortals Book One: Wild Magic

Tagged: , , , ,

Posted in Book Reviews |

Song of the Lioness 2: In the Hand of the Goddess

April 10th, 2011 by pladd


Basically the same day I completed my blog post about the first Alanna book, I rushed to the library to get the other three in the series. I can’t hide it anymore: Alanna is still my homegirl. As the Urban Dictionary definition emphasizes, SHE GOT MY BACK. Sorry for all that stuff I said about you in my first review, Alanna; you know I’m just jealous because I don’t have a horse named Moonlight and a magic sword named Lightning.

Once again, for comparison purposes, I’ve decided to explain this book both as 23-year-old Patricia and 11-year-old Patricia.

In The Hand of the Goddess by Tamora Pierce

Song of the Lioness Book 2

Then

The Sitch
This book is even more amazing than the first one because Alanna is now Prince Jonathan’s squire!!!!! Also, she now has a magical talking cat named Faithful and is totally, totally madly in love with Prince Jonathan. They don’t get married at the end, but I am sure it is only a matter of TIME. Duke Roger is still being a complete jerk about everything.

Our Heroine
Alanna is even more amazing in this book!!! Both Prince Jonathan and George are madly in love with her, but obvs only Prince Jonathan can win her heart!! Plus, she goes to war and kicks some Tusaine butt, and becomes a knight at the end! Yay!!!

Now

The Sitch
Alanna is now a squire to Prince Jonathan, one of the few who know her secret: that she’s actually a girl. In this book Alanna stops a war, earns her shield, and finally confronts Duke Roger about his magical plotting. Plus, she learns more about MATTERS OF THE HEART.

Our Heroine
Alanna is less annoying to me in this book, but I’m not sure why. I think the people around her begin to develop more distinct personalities, and stop simply being Alanna Cheerleaders. For some reason, Middle School Patricia was convinced that Alanna and Prince Jonathan were OTL1, despite the book’s narration being pretty clear that they are just friends with benefits. George, the King of Thieves, her other love interest, was of no interest to Middle School Patricia, who always envisioned him as a middle aged man, making his interactions with her extremely creepy. This time around, I can see how George and Alanna are a better fit personality wise, but am annoyed that Tamora Pierce never shows us how George’s feelings develop. Unlike Prince Jonathan, George is pretty much shown as being madly in love with her from the very beginning of this book, which is probably why Middle School Patricia ignored him as potential OTL material. That, and the Old Guy Grossness.

Play by Play Notes

Chapter one: The Lady in the Forrest
Alanna meets the Great Mother Goddess one night in the forest. She warns her to learn to love, gives her a magical glowing ember necklace, and a magical talking cat BFF. She names it Faithful, not Killer, proving yet again that she is really not committed to this whole Pretending to Be a Boy thing.

Chapter Two: Duke Roger of Conté
Alanna fights Sir Dain, a knight in Tortall with the Tusaine ambassador, because he is insulting Tortall’s honor. She wins even though he fights dirty and Duke Roger is impressed.

Chapter Three: The Prince’s Squire
George tells Alanna fifteen is old enough to get married, and then he kisses her and she is all, “Whatever, I don’t need ANY MAN, I am going to be a knight, fool.” A magical boar tries to kill her in the forest (Duke Roger!?!?) and everyone at court, including Jonathan, is madly in love with some annoying girl named Delia. Alex, Alanna’s friend and Duke Roger’s squire, decides to fight a friendly duel with Alanna that quickly turns DEADLY. Luckily, Sir Myles interrupts them after Alex breaks her collarbone.

Chapter Four: A Cry of War
Tusaine and Tortall are at war! Duke Gareth has a freak accident (Duke Roger?!?!?) so our pal, Duke Roger leads the knights and soldiers from the palace. George once again tells Alanna they should get married, and she once again says that she needs NO MAN.

Chapter Five: By the River Drell
Alanna spends lots of time with the foot soldiers even though she is a noble. There is a nice one named Thor, and a mean one named Jem. Then one night Jem and Thor disappear from their guard posts and there is a major battle!! Luckily Alanna warns everyone in time. Later she finds Thor dying in the dark after Jem attacked him and uses her magic to ease his death even though it knocks her out because she is wounded.

Chapter Six: Captured!
Alanna and Jonathan get all makey-outy because he is so happy she’s okay. Later Duke Roger finds her on watch and is all, “We could be great friends, you and I!” (evil eyebrow waggle) and Alanna responds, “I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU IN EVIL!!!” Then a magical fog comes up and she’s captured. Jonathan plans a rescue mission even though crossing the river is totally against the King’s orders. Jem is really Jemis, the King of Tusaine’s brother! The rescue mission captures him and his other brother, forcing the King of Tusaine to agree to a peace treaty for their return.

Chapter Seven: Winter Lessons
Alanna wants lessons on how to be a lady from George’s mom, Mistress Cooper. Wolves in the forest start eating children, so everyone goes out to hunt them. A giant one attacks Alanna, and, since she is holding the Goddess’ Mystical Ember Necklace when she kills it, she sees that it is surrounded by magic–the same color as Duke Roger’s!!!! On her birthday, she is super annoyed by Jonathan’s flirting with ladies, so she puts on her lady disguise dress and wig and goes into the garden, where she meets Jonathan. He sees the pregnancy charm Mistress Cooper gave her and is all, “Why don’t we try it out to see if it works?” Which is maybe the lamest pick up line ever. “Let’s try out that contraception, baby. There’s a 50% chance of unwanted pregnancy, but a 100% chance of love!” At first Alanna is all, “Ew, no” but later she relents into, “Whatever, I guess.”

Chapter Eight: Fears
Alanna and Jonathan continue to be friends with benefits. Someone tries to drown Alanna while ice skating (Roger?!?!?!). George is sad that Alanna is in love with Jonathan, but Alanna insists that she is just using him for sex (in euphemism; but I still don’t know how Middle School Patricia missed it). Alanna and George go visit Thom in the City of the Gods, where everyone hates him because he is the youngest master sorcerer ever, and kind of a dick. He promises to come to the capital after she’s made a knight to watch the Roger situation after Alanna leaves on her knight adventures. On the way home, Alanna and George are attacked (Roger?!?!?).

Chapter Nine: The Ordeal
Here is how to become a knight in Tortall:
1) Be a page: go to classes, learn weapons, serve dinner to people
2) Be a squire: serve a knight, learn weapons
3) Pass the Ordeal: take a purifying bath while two knights read you the code of chivalry, keep a silent vigil, go into the magic Chamber of the Ordeal and stay in there still without making a sound until it’s over
Alanna tells Gary, Duke Gareth’s son, her secret so that he and Prince Jonathan can chivalry her up after her bath. He thinks it’s hilarious. The Ordeal Chamber basically throws all her worst fears at her, but she survives and becomes a knight! Yay! Thom gives her a magical shield that looks like the normal Trebond arms, but changes magically into a Lioness Rampant for when she reveals her real identity.

Chapter Ten: To Duel the Sorcerer
Alanna decides it is finally, FINALLY time to do something about Duke Roger and his constant attempts to kill her. She ransacks his rooms and finds voodoo dolls of everyone. She accuses him in front of the entire court and he challenges her to trial by combat. During the fight, he uses magical illusions to confuse her, but she uses her Magic Goddess Necklace to see through that shit. Then his sword rips open her shirt and special boob-crushing corset and OMG THE SECRET IS OUT. Everyone is all “WTF???” but the shock helps her kill Duke Roger, dead once and for all (or IS HE?)

Epilogue
Sir Alanna and Coram are off on adventures! All her friends try to get her to stay, but she is sick of this cold weather crap. Plus, she just killed the King’s nephew and all, so it’s probably time to get the hell out of dodge.

Also see: Song of the Lioness Book 1, Alanna: The First Adventure

Next Up: Woman Who Rides Like a Man!

  • 1One True Love↑

Tagged: , , , , ,

Posted in Book Reviews |

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »

Site and contents are © 2009-2024 Patricia Ladd, all rights reserved. | Admin Login | Design by Steven Wiggins.