Posts Tagged ‘Book Reviews’

Play-By-Play: Nerds Like It Hot

So I meant to do a lot of blog-worthy things yesterday, but instead I used my spare time to read a book for class, the romance novel Nerds Like It Hot by Vicki Lewis Thompson.

I guess I’m glad I got that out of the way, but I still wished I had done… practically anything else.

From this book I learned that:
1) “Nerd” is almost its own ethnicity with traditional dress and customs
2) The Mafia is almost as incompetent as the people it tries to chase
3) In fact, being in it is a lot like playing the game Mafia (which I have always hated for being deceptively boring)
4) If he REALLY loved you, he’d be writing you sweet poems while you are in the bathroom

Here are my play-by-play notes:

Chapter One
Gillian, a makeup artist overhears Neil, some actor, threatening the star of the movie! Neil mentions he has mob connections and then bludgeons him to death with a shoe. Gillian and her 82-year-old friend Cora decide the ONLY thing to do is to 1) give her a makeover to look like Marilyn Monroe, 2) hop on a nerd themed cruise, 3) jump off in Mexico, and start a new life in South America. It’s the MAFIA, you guys, they have no other choice.

Chapter Two
Neil has a crossdressing alter ego known as Nancy, and if Marilyn Monroe were alive today she would be a size 10. Thanks, book, I now feel better about my unfashionably wide childbearing hips.

Chapter Three
Cora hires two private detectives, Lex and Dante, to come with them on the cruise and protect them. Dante is the comic relief and Lex is the guy we are supposed to find attractive. It’s easy to tell because he rambles pretty much constantly about how hot Gillian is in his inner monologue. “Women these days were too skinny and underendowed for his taste. Not this woman” (37). It’s only chapter three and my eyes are already sore from all the rolling they’ve been doing.
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So, Twilight, We Meet Again

When I first saw this book, I was not expecting to have to pull out my Signs You Are Reading Twilight list again. First of all, the cover is not in the “something dramatic on black” school of YA lit cover art, but more the opposite:

I don't like the way she's looking at me

I’d read a sentence about it on the library’s new book blog which essentially was “Teenage girl discovers she has Ancient Norse pregnancy powers!” That sounded way too weird and original to be another Twilight, right? Wrong. As it turns out, we’re really having to reach now to find mythical creatures to make “romantic”/lame.

Here’s the Sitch:
Katla is forced by her parents’ divorce to move from L.A. back to her mom’s hometown of Norse Falls, Minnesota and she is not happy about it. Then she discovers she’s part of the Stork Society, a group of old women who have the magical powers to decide what receptive woman in town should be the mother of baby souls that come to them in dreams. Yay? Plus, Love Interest is a broody farm boy who *spoiler* can control the weather. Sort of.

Thirteen Signs that the Book you are reading is, in fact, Twilight

1. Secret Mythical Creature: One-upped. Katla has her whole secret pregnancy powers going on, and her guy Jack is really one of the “Winter People” who don’t feel cold, meaning he can conveniently walk around without a shirt in the Minnesota winter. Also he’s a reincarnation of Jack Frost whose emotions affect the weather. The book treats this as a gigantic surprise ending even though it has been obvious the whole time.

2. Secret Mythical Creature Kind of Lamer than usual and given weird sparkly attributes: The way to call a super secret meeting of the Pregnancy Magic Society, is to scratch your head. Then you and all the other members will develop a gross head rash. With boils. It’s a mystical signal, you guys! Also, Jack is nearly killed by someone holding fire near him.

3. Love at first sight: Jack describes his first sight of her, when he is twelve and she is eleven, as like being “hit with a bolt of lightning”. Katla is just kind of “eh” about him.

4. Star-crossed lovers: For most of the book Jack and Katla have a weird angry-obsessive relationship I thought would turn into Mythical Star Crossed Lovers, but it turns out it’s just because she has amnesia about this time when they were 11 and both almost drowned in a frozen lake. Way to disappoint, book. Also, she hates the cold and he is like an ice creature so there’s that.

5. Over-described hot guy: This aspect was definitely not as bad as in Twilight etc. Or maybe I just skipped over those parts through boredom.

6. Guy who is “too dangerous” and tells girl to stay away from him repeatedly: This time it’s Katla’s mom telling her to stay away from Jack, which again, turned out to be that she didn’t want Katla remembering the traumatic ice drowning incident, not because Jack is a weather-controlling freak.

7. Weird Culty Family: The only weird cult going on is the Stork Society and the whole itchy head thing.

8. Obligatory Human Friend the Protagonist Uses But Mostly Ignores: Her name is Penny and Katla gives her a makeover since, like all of Norse Falls, she is fashion brain dead. At least, according to Katla. Eventually she learns that she shouldn’t be such a bitch about designer clothing, but for most of the book she is secretly thinking how lame Penny is, despite Penny being her only friend.

9. Having to hold yourself back while making out for fear that Morality will manifest as real life danger: Jack and Katla touch three times in the first half of the book and each time she feels like an icy chill has seeped through her veins! The last time, an extended touch in which he’s carrying her, feels like she’s dying! This, again, turns out to be related to her repressed drowning memories. After she remembers, the phenomenon obligingly goes away.

10. Everything that looks like action turns out to be boring: Katla does remain surprisingly ineffectual despite being attacked by a bear and almost killed as a sacrifice to Norse gods. Her main action is to scream for help so that her sister Storks can come to the rescue. Also, she pulls a Bella and faints.

11. No Plot until the last 50 pages: Yeah, so, as noted, all of the “eerie” things about Norse Falls/Jack get explained by the drowning-amnesia deal. Then it was like the author suddenly remembered she was writing a book about supposedly supernatural teens and had the school jock turn out to be an evil Raven who tries to kill Katla and Jack on prom night at the end.

12. Controlling, abusive relationships: They’re pretty okay, actually, if you discount how often Jack has to save her from things like blisters and her own stupidity.

13. Writing style: 7th grade fanfiction: In the plotting more than the actual writing.

Bonus #14. Moving to a New Town of Emoness: Check! I’ve realized this is a common theme in a lot of YA lit, Twilight copycats especially because it’s an easy way to introduce the supernatural. Katla is especially bitchy and emo about it because HOW can Minnesota live up to her beautiful L.A.?

Twilight score: 9/14

January Reading List

Finally it’s February! Finally I can stop writing letters and obsessively checking my mail for replies (four people have replied so far–yay Bova, James Fox, Barbara, and Mom Ladd!!) I would put up a finished letter map, but most of the latter letters have not been sent from not knowing people’s addresses. Spoiler alert: a bunch of them are probs going to Houston anyway. It’s apparently my favorite place to send mail.

You might think I will be sad to finish my New Year’s Resolution already, but I have two SECRET other New Year’s Resolutions to concentrate on! The main one I thought of midway through January while totally failing at recommending a 5th grade fantasy book despite all the 5th grade fantasy books I’ve read, is to keep better track of the books I read. Normally I average about 3-4 per week, more if you count graphic novels. In the past I’ve tried posting reviews of books that I thought were interesting for whatever reason, but those were long and so only represented a small percentage of my actual reading. I’m hoping to keep track by month, although January is kind of sketchy because most of the list I constructed from memory. Here’s what I got:

January Reading List

With Steven
Secret, possibly embarrassing fact: Steven and I read to each other almost every day. It started just during car trips, and just trashy romance novels, until one trip I decided to bring along a ridiculous fantasy series from my past that I thought Steven might find hilarious. Unfortunately, there are ten books in the full series, and only 10 hours in the drive, so we ended up finishing it over a period of months by reading a few chapters every night. I am, of course, a total rock star librarian and do all the voices. Steven–to all appearances–is also completely into this whole idea, since we’ve been reading various books together ever since. Pretty much right up until the day I left for college I did the same thing off and on with my parents, like reading Terry Pratchett books to my dad while he cut up oranges and grapefruit in the kitchen, so this does not seem weird to me at all. However, various people–like Steven’s sister–have pointed out that this is actually kind of strange, by asking “Are you guys…. reading?” like this is the weirdest thing we could be doing in a room alone together. Clearly she does not know Steven Wiggins very well–he is all about playing The Floor is Made Of Lava.

Anyway, lengthy explanation aside, here are the books Steven and I have read together in January:

Master and Fool by J. V. Jones

The third and final book in the kind of vaguely titled Book of Words Trilogy, which we started last year. It is tightly plotted fantasy and it is awesome. Steven’s favorite part was the terrible relationship advice offered by Bodger and Grift, the two drunken castle guards (ex: “The only way to tell a girl is a virgin is to lock her in a room with a badger. If it falls asleep in the corner, she’s not. If it falls asleep in her lap, she is. If it bites her, she probs has VD”.)

The True Meaning of Smekday by Adam Rex

This is a 423 page book we finished in two nights because it is SO AWESOME. Steven shed tears of joy at the end.

Books I’ve Read On my Own

Already Dead by Charlie Huston

A hardboiled vampire detective negotiating the vampire gang violence of New York City to solve a zombie murder/missing person case? Or an excuse for Charlie Huston to write about incest? Can’t really tell. This book was ridiculous, and kind of awful.

The Wedding by Danielle Steel

Allegra is a strong, beautiful, confident, amazing, talented, effortless entertainment lawyer who falls in love with a member of New York’s literary elite. Countless comparisons between the “Eastern attitude” and “Western lifestyle” are made. Also her little sister gets teen pregnant and various adoption/secret wedding drama happens. I read this for class, and to say that I had read something by Danielle Steel.
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You’d think I’d get tired of reading Twilight

Considering how much I complained about it, and all. And yet, I always get kind of excited when I can review a book based on my 13 Signs the Book You’re Reading Might be Twilight. I wrote the list exclusively for my review of Firelight, but reading over it again it still holds pretty true for Beautiful Creatures.

by Kami Gracia and Margaret Stohl

That’s right, it took TWICE the authors so this is 563 pages of TWICE the Twilight action.

Here is the deal:

Ethan hates his small Southern town, until beautiful and mysterious and captivating and amazing Lena shows up, niece to Macon Ravenwood, town recluse. All the popular girls hate her. Ethan is madly in love. Then, after a series of supposedly dramatic encounters and confusing events, she confesses that she is from an ancient family of Casters, meaning she has magical powers. But oh no! Her family is also cursed to be Claimed by either Light or Dark magic on their sixteenth birthday and they don’t get to choose and YOU SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM ME, ETHAN, I’ll just end up hurting you. Most of the book is spent ineffectually trying to find a way to save her from possibly “going dark” while the surrounding adults are all “Stay away from each other!” Also, they are possibly reincarnated from their ancestors, a Confederate deserter and a high-class Southern Caster lady.

Thirteen Signs that the Book you are reading is, in fact, Twilight
1. Secret Mythical Creature: Check, Lena and her family are Casters, each with various magical powers, like one of them can heal and another can see different times. Except Lena is something called a “Natural”, which means she has ALL POWERS. Also, her uncle is an incubus!
2. Secret Mythical Creature Kind of Lamer than usual and given weird sparkly attributes: Yeah, the incubus just eats dreams. Lame. Also, Lena’s powers mostly manifest as the weather matching her emotions.
3. Love at first sight: One-upped! Before Lena even moves in, Ethan starts having dreams about her. On page five, he literally describes it as “love before first sight”
4. Star-crossed lovers: A Caster and a Mortal? SCANDAL! Also, one-upped by implying their ancestors were ALSO star-crossed lovers.
5. Over-described hot guy: One-upped! Since this book is from Ethan’s point of view, it’s an over-described hot GIRL. At first I was unsure if the male perspective would appeal to teen girls, BUT then I realized it’s perfect, because it allows him to talk pretty much constantly about how beautiful and mysterious and unique she is, which would seem kind of arrogant and weird if she was the narrator. Bonus points for her being “not like the other girls” and for no one being able to REALIZE her beauty but him. Of course middle school Patricia would have been all over that.
6. Guy who is “too dangerous” and tells girl to stay away from him repeatedly: Like #5, this is now gender reversed. Even though from the time they meet they inexplicably have telepathic powers with each other, Lena is constantly saying things like “Stay away from me before I hurt you!”, a sentiment echoed by her uncle, Ethan’s housekeeper/mom surrogate, and everyone else in town.
7. Weird Culty Family: Yep. Lena’s whole family are casters–some light and some dark–complete with weird holidays, traditions, and private library under the town. Plus there’s that whole curse thing, caused by Lena’s previous incarnation/ancestor. Also, they don’t find out their real names until after they turn 16. They sort of forgot this at the end, since Lena never gets renamed?
8. Obligatory Human Friend the Protagonist Uses But Mostly Ignores: His nickname is “Link” and he kind of sticks by Ethan even when the whole town/school is all “Why are you dating that non-blonde freak?” He gets slightly more face time in the book than your typical non-magic friend, mostly because Lena’s dark cousin uses him to get to Ethan/Lena, for MONTHS. Ethan knows about it, but does nothing besides once saying something like, “She’s bad news… or whatever.”
9. Having to hold yourself back while making out for fear that Morality will manifest as real life danger: Ethan constantly feels electric shocks while they kiss, and one time has like a mini heart attack. It turns out, it’s IMPOSSIBLE for Casters and Mortals to be together physically because the Mortal would die of like MAGIC OVERDOSE or something. They find out from Lena’s Super Evil Dark Caster mom at the end, a fact which is never really resolved and I assume is what the sequel is all about.
10. Everything that looks like action turns out to be boring: There’s a confrontation at the end that’s okay, but it still seems kind of “eh” maybe because I had to slog through 500 pages to get to it. Most of the book milks the dynamic of “I’m madly in love with you/but I CAN’T be with you”.
11. No Plot until the last 50 pages: I’m pretty sure the authors thought this book was like made of suspense. Unfortunately, the “mystery” aspects were either easy to figure out, impossible to figure out, or kind of irrelevant. Sure, there was tension before the last 50 pages, mostly in that you don’t know what will happen on Lena’s birthday, but you are so bashed over the head with it, that I really stopped caring.
12. Controlling, abusive relationships: I wouldn’t say their relationship is controlling or abusive, so points for that. I would say it’s weirdly co-dependent. Given the whole telepathy thing, they are thinking each other’s thoughts most of the time, and Ethan pretty much thinks/talks about NOTHING except Lena and how mysteriously beautiful she is the entire 563 pages.
13. Writing style: 7th grade fanfiction: I actually had few problems with the actual style and sentence construction that I usually find with Twilight and its copycats.

Twilight score: 10/13

Another aspect of this book that I’m not sure how I feel about, is that it’s set in a small Southern town and the authors feel a desperate need to Explain The South to you pretty much every chapter. It was weird for me reading it, since I already understand the South, thanks, so I always felt like the book must be pretty much written for people who live in New England or California. And it will pretty much only reinforce their stereotypes about the South, something I find kind of sad. I much prefer how The Splendor Falls handled this. Also set in a small Southern town, it had some characters acting like stereotypes some of the time, not every one all the time. Then again, that novel also had well-rounded, well-developed characters in general, as opposed to cardboard cut outs of TEENS IN LOVE+DISAPPROVING ADULTS+IGNORANT SOUTHERN HICKS so I don’t know why I’m surprised.

Banned Books: The Bermudez Triangle

Title: The Bermudez Triangle
Author: Maureen Johnson
Challenged in: Leesburg, Fl Public Library
For: “sexual innuendo, drug references, and other adult topics”

So I definitely read this book a little more than a year ago because I like other things Maureen Johnson has written. I was going to just write a blog post on it without rereading it, since I was 99% sure I knew exactly why it was being banned. Then I read the brief description on the challenged book list, got really confused by the “drug references”, and decided to bite the bullet and read it again, scouring it for the part that had escaped my memory where the three main characters (or anyone) does meth or at least talks about getting high. The good news is, my memory is actually pretty good; the only “drug reference” I could find in The Bermudez Triangle is that one of the main character’s smokes, although her friends are always trying to get her to stop. The idea that some impressionable teen girl would start smoking because of this book is pretty hilarious. The main characters also attend two parties with alcohol, although no one seems to really get drunk.

Here’s the scoop:
Nina, Avery, and Mel have been BFF forever, nicknamed The Bermudez Triangle (Bermudez is Nina’s last name) by some jealous girl that wanted into their private clique. Nina is the smart, organized, perfectionist one. Avery is the free-spirit, tough girl musician. Mel is the shy, girly one. Then Nina goes to some kind of Smart Kid Camp over the summer and falls in love with Jeremy Caves and Mel figures out that she’s gay, accidentally kisses Avery, and they start secretly dating. Natch this makes things totally awk when Nina comes back, especially after Avery decides she’s not actually gay and breaks up with Mel, Jeremy Caves cheats on Nina, and Mel’s mom finds out she’s gay and stops speaking to her. Luckily, through the power of friendship and with the help of a cute, funny guy named Parker who sadly–and kind of unfairly–never manages to get any girl, they pull through and Triangle Power lives again.

So, yeah, this book was fairly typical Three Best Friends Whose Friendship is Tested By Dating/Boys/The World, except for the whole lesbian thing, which was handled pretty tastefully. Avery and Mel kiss sometimes, and there are oblique references to “…. things.” but that’s about it. So, yes, the sexual content is about as in-your-face as drug references that are actually smoking. Seriously, Leesburg, I can totally hook you up with some YA Lit that ACTUALLY CONTAINS the things you are complaining about if you want to challenge something for real real next year. You know this and Only In Your Dreams is not the best you can do. Step it up.

Zombies vs. Unicorns: An Age Old Dispute

I feel like this book misled me, which is a shame because I was so sure there was no way it could be anything less than totally awesome. Here’s the cover:

Zombies vs. Unicorns


But what I first saw was the spine with ZOMBIES VS. UNICORNS glaring at me from across the library. Of course I’m going to check that out, it’s not even a question.

I don’t know what I was expecting. Wait, no, I do; I was expecting zombies and unicorns battling to the death with humans looking on as the unlucky, occasionally gored/eaten bystanders. Then I realized it was a book of short stories edited by Holly Black (Team Unicorn) and Justine Larbalestier (Team Zombie). The stories are either about zombies or about unicorns (except for Garth Nix, who has both, which does not surprise me–you know he can’t get away from dead things–but they don’t even fight, so it doesn’t count). At first, I was impressed by the veritable YA lit author powerhouse they had assembled. The list includes: Maureen Johnson, Meg Cabot, Scott Westerfeld, and Carrie Ryan among others. But not even this could placate me for long about the total lack of zombie-on-unicorn action.

Also, admittedly, I have pretty high standards. Especially where zombies are concerned, being basically a Max Brooks-approved expert on the subject. Some of the stories were about the annoying, fluffy zombies who don’t try to kill people and mostly just make brain jokes and fall in love, clearly trying to lull us into a false sense of security for the impending zombocalypse. I disapprove in the strongest possible terms. In general, I also like unicorns to be ruthless, killing machines since–come on–they have a huge freaking weapon on their heads. If I had a horn, I would totally use it to maul people until they did my bidding.

I did kind of like Meg Cabot’s unicorn, clearly a parody, which farted a delicate floral scent and was named Princess Prettypants, and Naomi Novik’s, a shifty New York unicorn who doesn’t exactly play by the Unicorn Rulebook but, damn it, he gets results. On the zombie side, Carrie Ryan wrote an awesome, kickass-girl story in her Forest of Hands and Teeth universe, which I am already a fan of, and Scott Westerfeld went with the interesting idea of showing what teens growing up in a post-zombocaylpse world would do to be cool and distance themselves from the lame adults in their lives (hint: zombie virus is the drug of choice).

All these good points aside, I cannot get behind a book called Zombies vs. Unicorns that does not actually have zombies-fighting-unicorns action. I think it would look something like this:


I knew this was a bad idea the minute Francois was run through. As I watched that sharp, shimmering horn slide through his chest, I realized we probably should have never left the mall. Sure, I was sick of that fake muzak we couldn’t figure out how to turn off, and another gang of bikers was due to break in any day, but at least we were safe. I mean, besides the hordes of undead outside, clawing at the windows and moaning for our flesh, but that’s a given anywhere these days. The unicorns, though, they never try to get indoors. Not when there’s so much fresh meat outside.

Well, relatively fresh. Unicorns, for all their sparkly mystical powers, are not known for their discriminating tastes. Flesh-hungry zombie or scared-shitless human; they don’t really care which, it’s what’s for dinner. In fact, there’s been talk that they like humans even more because they usually have to chase us down first, and you know how they love showing off their billowy, glistening mane, bonus points if it catches the light of the full moon. Although that may have been just talk.

Still, after the unicorn that had gored Francois was busy licking up his blood, I climbed a tree. Unicorns can’t climb trees, right? I was less sure of myself when a few more showed up. Could unicorns fly? I knew they weren’t technically magic, having been created by our crack team of scientists to save humanity from the zombie horde, but, since THAT hadn’t turned out according to plan, I wondered what else was wrong. I tried to stay still, but they could probably smell me.

Luckily, at that moment, a faint moan wafted towards us on the breeze. The unicorns all perked up their ears, noses wet with Francois’ blood. Yes! I thought. Zombies! Maybe they’d followed us from the mall, or maybe they’d just caught my scent, or the scent of Francois’ unrecognizable corpse. Either way, maybe it would prove enough of a distraction to the unicorns that I could get away. Zombies were easy prey–but nothing about me has ever been easy.

Whenever I write example story-excerpts I like to give everyone French names because I think it makes everything sound more like a bad historical romance novel. The main character is called Antoinette.

Noted expert Rob McAuliffe actually included a zombies/unicorns link in the brilliant final he wrote for WIESS 101: Zombies in Fiction and Film, which is still on my desktop because reading it makes me happy. Since it includes such biting social commentary (read: is about real people at Wiess) I probably should not reproduce it in full (since Charles Lena would get pissed that his careful preparations do not, in fact, render him MVP). Here is the relevant excerpt from the end, however, when Rob and I are the only ones left alive from our class:

I begin to again crumple into a ball on the floor and prepare to die. Patricia tells me to get up, because she has one last plan. It, however, was going to require a great sacrifice, our soft hair. She explains that zombies could not possibly withstand our soft hair, and once we touch them with it they will turn into unicorns. We run back to Wiess shaking our hair at zombies along the way, filling the campus with bright sparkly pink unicorns. When we get back we cut off our hair and give it to the rest of the survivors. We are able to run around campus turning all of the zombies to unicorns. Unfortunately, unicorns it turns out also have a taste for human brains, and we are all eaten. (McAuliffe, R. 2007)

In conclusion, Rob and I totally could have written this book.

Banned Books: How to Get Suspended and Influence People

Title: How to Get Suspended and Influence People
Author: Adam Selzer
Challenged in: Nampa, Idaho Public Library
For: having an abstract drawing of a nude woman on the front cover, having profanity on the back cover

I have been following an unconscious pattern while reading these banned and challenged books. For the most part, I’ve completely forgotten their entires on the 2009-2010 Challenged Books List by the time my library requests come in, so I spend a short amount of time at the beginning of the book trying to guess what it was challenged for. Usually, this is extremely easy. Not so with How to Get Suspended and Influence People. At various points in the book I vaguely hypothesized that the challenge might be about 1) satanism, 2) insubordination to authority figures1, 3) making fun of religion, or 4) discussion of masturbation. Until about three-fourths of the way through, all of these ideas seemed so vague and unfounded2 that I had to stop myself from going to look up the Offensive Immoral Thing I Should Be Looking for. Then, after finishing the book, I was pretty convinced it was the masturbation issue, especially since the act of talking about it was also challenged within the story itself. Turns out, all of these were wrong!

An appalled parent complained about this book for the “nude woman” on the cover. Here is the cover (avert thy eyes, abstract minors!):

She's in the upper right, if you're confused

So shocking right now! The parent also complained about profanity on the back cover, which I will reproduce below in its entirety:

You don’t have to be smart to be a smart-ass. But it helps.

That’s it. I’m fairly certain Appalled Parent picked this up off the shelves and never read it, because there are definitely better things to be offended by within (including better profanity).

This is a fairly light story about the beginning of eighth grade for Gifted student Leon Noside Harris. Peopled with a lightly eccentric supporting cast3, Leon spends most of his time listening to heavy metal music, making snarky and vaguely elitist remarks, and trying to drive his teacher’s a little bit crazy. So like every middle schooler. Then as a project each student in one of his gifted classes has to make an informational video to be shown to the sixth and seventh graders, and he picks sex ed. Randomly deciding to make it “avant-garde” and artistic, most of the film is famous nude paintings from Days of Yore narrated with a poem about how the feelings that puberty brings are Normal. Then one of his teacher’s freaks out that it’s inappropriate, and there’s debate both ways without getting too unrealistic or out-of-control. I actually think this might be an interesting book to read with eighth graders to talk about censorship, and who gets to decide what is and is not appropriate in schools.

But, yeah, the cover: totally raunchy.


1I’ve actually heard of the Harry Potter series being challenged for this reason!

2Not that bans or challenges need be particularly founded. I refer you to the dictionary incident.

3His father middle-named him “Noside” because it’s “Edison” spelled backwards; he hates Thomas Edison for being a jerk, under this naming convention my kid’s middle name will be Loohcs Darg

Firelight: In Twilight They Cashed In

I cannot even begin to express to you how I felt when I first saw this book. First there’s the cover:

Not gonna lie: I judge books by these all the time

Not quite Twilight-style-random-thing-on-black, but close. Then there’s the title. Firelight! It’s like Sophie Jordan isn’t even trying to disguise her main motivation for writing this book. Her notes probably look like this clever two step process that I myself have written down many times while trying to plot a plan for my future:

1) Copy Stephenie Meyer
2) RICHES

Because, let’s face it, if SMeyer can do it, anyone can. She has rejuvenated my cynical lack-of-faith in the publishing industry, and in society in general. Anytime anyone starts grumbling about how they can’t succeed in life because of some kind of drawback they can’t overcome (socio-economic status, fashion sense, a basic understanding of English grammar) I will now say “NO, turn that frown upside down, because you too can be a world famous millionaire author! Look at Stephenie Meyer!” It really has given me hope.

So, anyway, I am basically in love with Sophie Jordan for at least attempting to follow through on my so-far-unattempted life plan, AND by including people who can turn into dragons (or dragons who can turn into people?) while doing so. I will never get tired of anthropomorphic dragons. NEVER.

Before the amazing Twilight tribute fanfic that is Firelight, Sophie Jordan was best known for her many bestselling paranormal and historical romances. My personal favorite (based on the cover and title alone) is one called In Scandal They Wed. I kind of wish her first YA title had followed a similar theme and gone with something more like In melodrama they drowned or In Twilight they tried to cash in. These are mere details however, that can’t detract from the amazingness that is Firelight. It’s almost like Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus but in book form. And about teen girl dragons instead of slutty scientists. And takes place in a high school instead of under the sea. So not really alike at all, except they both made me realize that to be a success I need to concentrate less on skill and talent and being good at things and more on writing scripts so bad they are amazing. Here is the amazing plot of amazingness:

Jacinda (yes, JACINDA, contain yourselves) lives in a tribe of draki, people who have somehow descended from dragons. They can take human form and some of them have magical powers, but their numbers are dwindling from hunters and inbreeding. Jacinda is super special because she can breathe fire, and they basically plan to use her to breed more Special Fire Breathing Dragons. Her mother decides to save her from this fate by running away with her and her twin sister. Mom Dragonless hopes that living in a desert will kill Jacinda’s draki self, but Jacinda is filled with righteous rebellion and vows to try to keep it alive. Then she meets a mysterious boy at school who she is wildly, suddenly, crazy in love with, only he happens to be part of the very family of murderous dragon hunters who killed her father! Drama ensues! But mostly just lots of “shuddering breaths” and gazing. You know you love it.

If I had the time or inclination, I could make an awesome comparison chart and show which Firelight characters and scenes correspond to which scenes in Twilight. Oh wait, grad school work is boring. Here you go:

Thirteen Signs that the Book you are reading is, in fact, Twilight
1. Secret Mythical Creature: Check, although it is dragon/dragon hunter, instead of vampire
2. Secret Mythical Creature Kind of Lamer than usual and given weird sparkly attributes: Check, draki are kind of smaller, scrawnier dragons who mostly don’t breathe fire, and have purple iridescent blood, as is stated over and over
3. Love at first sight: Check, Will first sees her in her dragon form but still thinks she’s hot
4. Star-crossed lovers: Dragon Hunter Guy angrily groans that “This is impossible… A hunter in love with his prey”. Sound familiar?
5. Over-described hot guy: “the grooves along his cheekbones deepening”
6. Guy who is “too dangerous” and tells girl to stay away from him repeatedly: Check, “I guess you should stay away from me, too. That’s what I should be telling you”
7. Weird Culty Family: Check, “they’re poison, Jacinda. I can’t expose you to them.” Sadly they are not “vegetarian” dragon hunters.
8. Obligatory Human Friend the Protagonist Uses But Mostly Ignores: Check, her name is Catherine, and mostly she provides info while Jacinda constantly rejects her offers to do something together. Gotta be an Immortal MagicPants to run with this crowd, sister.
9. Having to hold yourself back while making out for fear that Morality will manifest as real life danger: Check, in Twilight it was getting ripped to pieces by your vampire boyfriend, in Firelight it is accidentally setting your boyfriend on fire with your dragon flame-breath
10. Everything that looks like action turns out to be boring: Check. Although there is a brief confrontation between Cassian and Will, it ends abruptly and no one really gets hurt. Although Jacinda is famed for being the first dragon in forever who can breathe fire, she spends most of her time talking about how she “almost” did or exhaling steam.
11. No Plot until the last 50 pages: Firelight is not as guilty of this as Twilight, and Jacinda manages to stay conscious and unswooned for most of the action. The plot definitely picks up the pace towards the end, but then sort of stops randomly. I can’t decide if it’s setting up for a sequel, or the most anticlimactic, weird ending ever.
12. Controlling, abusive relationships: Props for Firelight on this one, because Jacinda is definitely less defined by men and her relationships with them. Will doesn’t try to control her physically or emotionally.
13. Writing style: 7th grade fanfiction: Although definitely not as bad as SMeyers, the word “shudders” occurs oddly often in this novel, especially in the context of things “shuddering past my lips”. Also the line “her amber eyes spit angry fire” is awesome if you take it literally.

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