Archive for the ‘Road Trip’ Category

Misguided Travel Guides: Minneapolis

I’m guessing that North Dakota and Minnesota run together in your heads as one expanse of Godless frozen tundra. Again, this is mostly true, but not as much in the summer. I’ve been to Minneapolis plenty of times because the Bismarck airport is so freaking small (3-4 gates) that often the best way to get there is to fly to Minneapolis and rent a car. We stayed in my uncle’s basement, which includes the prime attraction of his dog, a sheltie collie that can leap up to slam doors and gets unaccountably angry every time anyone unloads the dishwasher.

Since I have so much Minneapolis experience, I was expecting it to be a mere stop over instead of what it turned out to be: THE GREATEST STOP ON OUR ROADTRIP EVER!!! Seriously, Anna Baron has been holding out on us. Minneapolis may be the REAL Land of Enchantment. Yeah, New Mexico, I said it. Or maybe my low expectations only made it seem that much more amazing. The first order of business was to see Natalie, my erstwhile illustrator of The Knight, the wizard, and the Lady Pig fame:

That's my "Meeting a Famous Illustrator" face

That's my Meeting a Famous Illustrator Face

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The Three Best Things To Do In North Dakota

Most people think that North Dakota is a barren wasteland, continually buried under a thick blanket of snow and ice. Though this is mostly true, there is a two week window where it is habitable which doesn’t get that much publicity. Speaking of publicity, North Dakota’s current advertising strategy is a picture of an empty interstate, fields on either side, with the caption “North Dakota: The Morning Commute”. Since I only saw these ON THE INTERSTATE that was pictured, I think it was a great way to drive the point home: “Nothing here! Our state is totally empty!”

Which is strange, because it’s not ENTIRELY true, and you’d think the state tourism board would want to capitalize on these exceptions. Here they are, the best three things to do in North Dakota:
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Times I Have Almost Died: Clyde the Lizard

So while in Monterey, I wanted to see the beach and misguidedly decided to walk down an alley to get to it. At the end was, in fact, the beach, but also an odd assortment of vagrants, one of whom saw Steven’s camera and immediately said, “You want a good picture?” and reached into his pocket.

This could have ended any number of ways, but it turned out to be a lizard.

His name is Clyde!

His name is Clyde!

Then, after a lengthy discussion of Clyde’s eating habits–in which he asked us for “Florida herbage” twice, saying that he could sense we had some by our aura–he introduced us to his friend “Gandalf” who recited some poetry. Then a pimply high schooler arrived with a bottle of prescription drugs and I used the distraction to run back down the alley and not stop until I reached the Tollhouse Cookie Bakery. Steven followed along at a somewhat more sedate pace.

Times I Have Almost Died: North Dakota Animals

When forced to think about North Dakota (sadly, most people will not do so willingly), they mostly mention how cold it is. Little do they know that summertime threats besides frost bite lurk in the ravines of the badlands. Fiercest and most mysterious of these is the legendary Prairie Shark:

Or possibly some kind of root. Still, SCARY STUFF!

Or possibly some kind of root. Still, SCARY STUFF!


The only defense against the Prairie Shark is to run away quickly. Luckily, that left me energized to deal with our other brushes with death:
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Times I Have Almost Died: MY BIRTHDAY!

A birthday is a horrible time for a near death experience but, as my mother feared, the day I turned 22 I faced a twofold threat in Seattle–suspiciously close to Canada. The first was the insidious threat of crepe or nutella overdose at lunch:

The tastiest way to die

The tastiest way to die


The second was far more overt:
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Times I Have Almost Died: Escaped Penguin Attack

The Monterey Bay Aquarium is supposed to be pretty baller, as far as aquariums go, although I remained at the same level of impressedness I maintain towards the Tampa Bay aquarium (through Florida solidarity). In only two places do they excel: the sea horse exhibit and the penguins. Sea horses are, naturally, my favorite, being the giraffes of the sea, but the penguins were most impressive because of one’s stolid attempts to escape. Observe:

Luckily he did not succeed, for if he had, I would have undoubtedly faced DEATH once again as the infuriated, adrenaline-fueled penguin attempted to gore what he would see as the nearest of his human captors.

Times I Have Almost Died:Cats and Seals

Of the many perils of California, none is more fearsome (to the supposedly highly allergic Patricia) than the house cat. Observe my brush with death at the hands of this cuddly assassin:

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Only pretending to be cute to deliver the killing nuzzle, cheeky devil

If not for my premeditated application of copious amounts of Claritin, I could very well be NO MORE. Or at least in sorry shape before facing the next instance of NEAR DEATH:
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I Ate’nt Dead

Do you know how hard it is to even get a cellphone signal in Montana and Western North Dakota? The only person who complained about my lack of updates was my mother, who I think checks this blog as an assurance that I’m still alive. She urged me when she was finally able to get a call through that my “friends would think something horrible has happened” if I didn’t write soon. Clearly she worries more than all of you. Or has less faith in my instincts of self-preservation. And so, in honor of my mother, I will catalogue the Times I Have Almost Died over the past few blog-less days.

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