The Plaid Pladd

What an exciting week for my Sam Neill project, you guys!! I got to watch the oldest Sam Neill movie I probably ever will! Steven watched something with me and didn’t complain! Sam Neill himself totally commented on my blog!! Okay, so mysterious commenter who has also seen a suspicious amount of Sam Neill movies claims to be a a woman from Bangkok, but that’s just what you would say, Sam, so I’m still putting it down as a “Maybe”.

Sleeping Dogs (1977)

I was going to show you the poster but got distracted googling "Sleeping Dogs"

The Movie: Smith has just gotten divorced and decides to go live on a New Zealand island with his emoness. Except the island is being used as a secret hiding place for guerrilla weapons caches, so he ends up getting arrested. Luckily he’s able to escape by vomiting and then jumping out of a moving car! Then he’s on the run for awhile, trying to live a peaceful life as a motel handyman except that he’s become some kind of symbol to the rebels, so they seek him out. His ex-wife turns out to secretly be a guerrilla fighter, and there’s some chase scenes, some shootings, and eventually everyone dies. Like all movies from the 70s, its tragedy was offset by the ridicness of everyone’s hair.

I kid, Sam Neill, you look great

The Character: Sam Neill is Smith, the main character and pacifist, who just wants to live the quiet life with his dog, and some blonde girl, and the hand turkey his kid made him. Unfortunately, now that he’s been set up by the rebels that’s impossible, and he’s pretty much forced to become one of them. In the end, he drags his wounded rebel frenemy all the way through the jungle only to be surrounded by the right-wing military at the last second and shot after giving the prerequisite “Whatever, I don’t even CARE anymore” speech and jaunty saunter away.

What I Learned: 1970s New Zealand still relied heavily on the barter system. Sam Neill is totally able to swap his car for a boat, and they even throw in a cool dog! That’s a trade I would take! Also, the fate of said dog remains inconclusive. I worried about it for the entire second half.

Would I watch again?: I can only take so much 70s hair and angsting, Sam. Even for you.

Attack Force Z (1982)

I was really disappointed to learn that the “Z” doesn’t stand for “zombie”.

But the hats certainly didn't disappoint

The Movie: Confession: I find war movies really boring. Apart from Sam Neill, I had a really hard time telling the other soldiers in Attack Force Z apart, even though one of them is a young Mel Gibson. They were all Australian army guys in khakis with extremely badass shooting skillz infiltrating some Pacific island jungle to rescue the survivors of a plane crash in Japanese-occupied territory. They get some help from a local resistance leader, who is possibly even more badass than they are, and of course one of them falls in love with the resistance leader’s hot daughter, and SURPRISE! the survivors include a Japanese man who will somehow help end WWII! Everyone freaks out about helping a Japanese guy, and eventually Mel Gibson (I think?) convinces the local people to help them escape with him. A big battle in which everyone but Mel Gibson and Love Interest die! Important Japanese Guy is shot somewhere in the melee, making the entire thing pretty much pointless. Everyone is sad. And dead.

Especially Sam Neill.

The Character: According to IMDB, Sam Neill was Sgt. D.J. Costello, although since I never bothered to learn their names, to me he was “the one who is Sam Neill” as opposed to the other four who were “Not Sam Neill”. He did manage to stand out from his fellow Z Men by being the only one who speaks Chinese, so their main source of communication with their resistance leader allies. In the first few minutes, one of their number is shot and wounded in the leg! Because he will just slow them down or end up captured and tortured, Sam Neill shoots him humanely, in the middle of a conversation.

Because that's how he rolls

What I Learned: Even Sam Neill can’t make me like war movies. How to hide a fugitive from the Japanese army (answer: in a secret compartment under a box of chickens!)

Would I Watch Again?: No. See above.

Crusoe (2008-2009)

I didn’t like the book Robinson Crusoe so I didn’t have high hopes for this TV series. But, surprise! Its only relation to the book is the names of the two main characters, and the fact that they are stranded on an island!

Inaccuracy has never made me so happy!

The TV Show: Robinson Crusoe is stranded on an island after a shipwreck! Luckily, he is a wood-genius and makes all kinds of awesome Swiss Family Robinson-esque treehouses and bridges and elevators and orange juice makers and coconut radios. Okay, maybe not that last one. Also, he saves a guy from becoming a human sacrifice and they become BFF! Friday is even more awesome than Crusoe at fighting, speaking a frillion languages, and being snarky! The show chronicles their various adventures on the island, which seems to be visited by a disproportionate amount of pirates, mutineers, and the like. Also, Crusoe has frequent flashbacks to his life before the shipwreck, where he seems to have been caught in the unpleasantness of the English Civil Wars and aftermath. He also worries constantly about his wife and daughters and angsts about never seeing them again. I was not even upset that Sam Neill is kind of barely in this show, probably because of this:

Hello cute, often-shirtless men!

The Character: Sam Neill plays Jeremiah Blackthorn, Crusoe’s family friend and the godfather to his kids. We see him being kind of sinister in all the flashbacks, but he always seems to act in Crusoe’s best interest, lending him money and claiming to be interested in helping because he has no family of his own. I’ve only seen the first three episodes, but I’m assuming he is secretly Crusoe’s real father, or some other such intrigue. Or maybe he has been secretly plotting against Crusoe this whole time? It’s unclear whether his creepiness in the flashbacks is just because he’s Sam Neill in period dress or a misdirect or for real. I guess I will have to watch more to find out!

I can't make fun of your costumes this time, Sam. They are fabulous.

What I Learned: To set a spirit to rest, their heart, skull, and bones need to be in the same place. Sam Neill movies continue to be terrible at making girls-dressed-as-boys look like believable men. Or maybe that’s just movies in general.

Would I Watch Again?: Yes! I have only watched the first three hours of this show, and I really want to know if Sam Neill is the bad guy or not. Also if Friday ever finds love.

Next: Ruthless Businessman, Ex-Prison Guard, Sad Husband
Previously: Sam Neill: Angst Edition

It feels like so long since we’ve talked about Sam Neill, you guys!! Maybe it’s taken me longer to get through these because they were all just so angsty (here’s a definition of that from a reputable source, dad). I guess Sam Neill is as much a victim of the post-holiday blues as anyone. Cheer up, Sam; I’m pretty sure you get to be a vampire in the next one! And not some lame sparkly one either!

Little Fish (2005)

I too was upset that it wasn't the Australian Finding Nemo

The Movie: Cate Blanchett is a recovering heroin addict trying to pull her life together, which is tough when she can’t get any loans due to her past history, and both her brother, ex-boyfriend, and Hugo Weaving keep trying to pull her back in. Everyone spends a lot of time being sad and staring at things thinking about the hopelessness of it all. Also, Hugo Weaving is the ex-lover of an Australian mob boss and can’t get over it, leading to a climactic ending involving guns and drug overdoses and swimming at the beach in your underwear.

The Character: Sam Neill is the Australian mob boss which means he has to share an awkward kiss with this man:

Would've been hotter if he still looked like Elrond

He’s okay, as far as mob bosses go. He threatens people and he has a fancy gun. My main issue was the fact that he dresses like a middle-aged stockbroker on a yacht at all times.

It's like the least intimidating outfit I can imagine

What I Learned: Sydney apparently has a “little Saigon” district with the largest Vietnamese community in Australia! Judging from this movie it is also rife with drug dealers and ambitious video rental stores.

Would I Watch Again? No, I could barely handle it the first time.

Plenty (1985)

Three years before a dingo ate her baby, Meryl Streep played an even crazier character in a Sam Neill movie! Sting, Gandalf, and Charles Dance were also there.

Thankfully this movie has 100% fewer awkward shorts scenes

The Movie: This movie incorporates a lot of unexplained and unmarked time skips, so I’m going to write my summary in a similarly confusing way. It’s WWII and Meryl Streep is a spy in France! Sam Neill is a newly arrived spy, and she gives him advice, then cries, then sleeps with him. He leaves without saying goodbye. Then some guy is dead and Charles Dance is an ambassador who has to deal. The corpse’s wife is Meryl Streep! Except she’s not really his wife, just his mistress. Now Charles Dance and Meryl Streep are making out and they’ve been dating for months. Meryl Streep’s BFF is a bohemian and Charles Dance hates the way they talk and like jazz music. Meryl Streep asks Sting to father a child with her because she wants a kid and doesn’t want to get married. Sting visits her with flowers because it’s apparently a year later and she’s still not preggers? Then she tries to shoot Sting (we’ve all been there). Charles Dance answers a phone and then rushes to a hospital. Meryl Streep turns around dramatically! Now Charles Dance is at a dinner party and says his wife will be right down! Bohemian BFF is coming downstairs in a fancy dress! J/k his wife is Meryl Streep who freaks out about the Suez Canal and makes everyone uncomfortable. Now Bohemian BFF is visiting some desert place! Charles Dance and Meryl Streep are there, and Meryl Streep is heavily sedated. Meryl Streep visits Gandalf to ask why her husband hasn’t been getting good ambassador assignments. She threatens to kill herself, then goes home and tears up the wallpaper. Meryl Streep is sleeping with Sam Neill again! Then she falls asleep and Sam Neill leaves! Wait–no, he finds his cufflinks she’s kept in her purse all these years! Okay, he covers her with a blanket and then leaves. The End.

Meryl Streep convincing Charles Dance that her crazy is endearing

The Character: Sam Neill is barely in this movie. We see him at the beginning jumping out of a plane and sleeping with Meryl Streep, and then at the end, sleeping with Meryl Streep. But, throughout all the crazy parts in the middle, she keeps his cufflinks in her purse and talks nonstop about how she misses the war because “you could meet people even just for a night that would change your life forever”.

Can you blame her?

Thing I Learned: Sting isn’t a terrible actor! What Ian McKellan looks like with black hair!

Would I Watch Again? Yes, backwards, to see if it makes more sense.

Angel (2007)

Once again, Netflix tricked me into thinking this was a historical romance.

At least the costumes lived up to their promise

The Movie: This movie follows the life of Angel Deverell, who starts out as a petulant and angsty grocer’s daughter and rises to become a petulant and angsty rich and famous novelist by writing the turn of the century equivalent of Twilight. She spends pretty much all of the movie acting like your worst memories of middle schoolers, refusing to change any part of her books, even for factual accuracy. She marries a painter she doesn’t understand because he’s hot, and he likes the fact that she’s rich. Then he goes off to fight in WWI, eventually returning with one leg to commit suicide. Only then does Angel discover that he had a mistress and child. She angsts and eventually dies, almost alone and forgotten.

But the hair and costumes were superb

The Character: Sam Neill plays Angel’s publisher, who sticks by her despite how annoying and crazy she is.

Sam Neill, trying to manfully put up with stuff

Later his wife accuses him of being in love with her, since almost everyone in this movie is in love with her, despite her screechy, petulant selfishness.

Thing I Learned: This book/movie was based on the life of real author Marie Corelli who was apparently way more popular than all of her now-famous contemporaries like H.G. Wells. She was once criticized as being “a woman of deplorable talent who imagined that she was a genius, and was accepted as a genius by a public to whose commonplace sentimentalities and prejudices she gave a glamorous setting”.

Would I Watch Again? Maybe for costume ideas!

Next: Rebel, Soldier, Godfather
Previously: Made for TV Movie Edition