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Sam Neill Update: Losing My Mind Edition

June 19th, 2012 by pladd

I’ve noticed that Sam Neill loves playing crazy people (Event Horizon, In the Mouth of Madness, arguably Merlin 2 because why would you ever agree to Merlin 2?). Unfortunately, I did not group these movies thematically before viewing, so this Sam Neill update only has one movie where it’s actually Sam Neill’s sanity in question. Oh well.

Current project status: 91% complete!!! Right now, only 6 more to go! Assuming my spreadsheet is correct.

Dean Spanley (2008)

Peter O'Toole, Jeremy Northam, and Sam Neill just wanted to hang out without that pesky Henry VIII bothering them

The Movie: Peter O’Toole is Jeremy Northam’s aging father and their interactions are Edwardian and hilarious. Even though I don’t have a brother who was killed in the Boer War, I still can completely interpret every long-suffering look on Jeremy Northam’s face as his dad demands to eat the same meal every day, is affably rude to random acquaintances, and loudly snores during a public lecture. Through a series of coincidences, Northam discovers that local Dean Spanley will regress to his previous life as a dog while drinking some kind of super rare Hungarian liquor he likes.

Let's get smashed and talk about how fun it is to chase sheep and pee on things

And not just any dog, but PETER O’TOOLE’s childhood dog!!!! Who disappeared unexpectedly, crushing his young heart and making him incapable of responding to grief!!! But, after listening to Dean Spanley’s account of that day (spoiler alert: he was shot by a hunter? farmer? someone kind of grizzled, anyway), the aging father finally accepts his son’s death and shares a bonding hug with Jeremy Northam. Then gets a dog. Booyah.

Some fathers and sons bond over fishing, but whatever it takes, you guys

The Character: Sam Neill is Dean Spanley!!! Of course. His full name is W.A.G. Spanley, which is not at all a connection to his previous life as a spaniel named Wag. He’s actually quite serious and no-nonsense, even when talking from his past life dog point of view. There’s just something so bizarre and transfixing about seeing this kind of uptight guy saying things like “The Master didn’t understand how much I hated baths; there was nothing so shameful as meeting a friend and having no smell” like it is the most serious business in the world.

Nothing about this situation is funny at all

What I Learned: At any one time, there are only seven great dogs in the world.

You should watch this if: you like Peter O’Toole and his ridiculous faces

The Vow (2012)

Oh, Sam Neill, the sacrifices I make for you

The Movie: Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum are quirky and in love and so forcibly adorable that you want to throw up in their hair. Then Rachel gets amnesia after a car accident, forgetting entirely about her relationship with Channing Tatum, and why she hasn’t seen her family in years. Channing attempts to be even more quirky and adorable to win his wife back, but after pressure from her family and resistance from her, he agrees to a divorce. Then Rachel discovers the reason she quit law school and left her family for the city and art school: her dad was having an affair with one of her friends! Also she likes art more than law. The film ends with McAdams back in the city and art school, asking Channing Tatum out for dinner. Nicholas Sparks, someone is horning in on your turf.

Sam Neill will always offer you a drink before trying to break up your marriage because he's a classy guy

The Character: Sam Neill is Rachel McAdams’ dad, who at first seems like a bad guy, trying to use the accident to break up the marriage he never liked and win back the daughter he betrayed without her knowing. Except it was kind of more his wife whom he betrayed? And she’s cool with it? Whatever, the point is, Rachel McAdams forgives him in the end, because she is such a big-hearted person, and he really just missed her and wanted what was best for her.

What I Learned: This movie was based on a true story!!!! I’m not sure how much of the law school/cheating Sam Neill backstory is true, but at the end they tell you that the real-life couple stayed married and have kids, and that she never regained her memory. Wikipedia says they credit “their faith in Jesus and their wedding vows before God” with keeping them together. So not chocolate and skinny dipping like in the movie, then.

You should watch this if you like: Nicholas Sparks

Children of the Revolution (1996)

I WISh everyone in this movie had a mustache

The Movie: So this Australian lady is obsessed with Joesph Stalin and writes him these passionate letters about how she just can’t get the revolution started in Australia. He invites her to the USSR to woe her, but ends up dying after they sleep together. Luckily everyone is pretty psyched, so she’s not in trouble, but she is pregnant. She marries some guy in the Australian communist party who like-likes her, and tries to raise the son, Joe, in the communist way. Joe falls in love with a Latvian policewoman whose grandparents were brutally murdered during Stalin’s purges, a fact that begins to torment her after Joe grows a mustache and starts taking control of the police force, looking and acting more and more like Stalin daily.

Yeah, I would not be that upset if I came home to find Sam Neill unexpectedly in my house, but I'm not a communist party leader so whatever

The Character: Sam Neill plays Joe’s possible father, a Russian/Australian/British/??? spy, who seems pretty unclear on whose side he’s on, just that he’s in love with Joan. He accompanies her to the USSR, either to kill her or to protect her, depending on whose orders he decides to take, and ends up having grief-sex with her right after Stalin’s death. Yes, that’s apparently a thing. He tries to do his best by Joe, believing he might be the father, but ends up attempting suicide after discovering he killed Joe’s wife’s Latvian grandparents on Stalin’s orders.

I don't know, somehow this movie is still billing itself as a comedy

What I Learned: People have apparently been arguing about the cause of Stalin’s death since it happened! In 2003, a joint group of Russian and American historians announced their view that he’d eaten warfarin, a powerful rat poison which predisposes the victim to strokes. Stalin was 74 and already suffering the ill-effects of his lifetime of heavy smoking.

You should watch this if: you enjoy fake documentaries; you want to see the lighter side of Stalin

I can’t believe I’m almost done with this project!!! I’m going to have to think of something dramatic to do to celebrate!

Previously: Prime Minister, Soviet Sub Captain, Master Criminal
Next: Thomas Jefferson, Tennis Dad, and a Somber Narrator

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Posted in Project Series, Sam Neill Marathon |

VIQVI: Responding to Spam, May 2012

June 12th, 2012 by pladd

It’s been a little more than a month since Vitally Important Questions of Vital Importance responded to my ever-increasing spam folder. Sorry to keep you waiting, spambots!

These are all comments on my Sam Neill Update: Creepster Edition:

Spirit Animal writes:

Yesterday, while I was at work, my sister stole my apple ipad and tested to see if it can survive a 40 foot drop, just so she can be a youtube sensation. My iPad is now destroyed and she has 83 views. I know this is totally off topic but I had to share it with someone!

Don’t worry, Spirit Animal! There’s no rule that says you have to stay on topic in the comments, particularly when you have a great electronics-destroying story to tell. I think my favorite part of your comment is that you include that your sister now has “83 views”. That’s less than my cousin’s homemade youtube news program about NASCAR, so I don’t think she can qualify as a “youtube sensation” yet. Maybe, like my cousin, she should try to involve an animal in her act.

Free Viagra writes:

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I know my posts about Sam Neill really pull at the heartstrings, Free Viagra. I don’t know what “pursuits” they’re helping you attain, but I assume you mean pretending you’ve seen many Sam Neill movies to explain why you were caught trespassing on his vineyard. Glad to help you and your mates!

Stefan Santarpia writes:

I just now wanted to thank you once more for your amazing website you have created here. It is full of ideas for those who are seriously interested in that subject, especially this very post. Your all so sweet plus thoughtful of others and reading your site posts is an excellent delight to me. And thats a generous surprise! Ben and I will certainly have pleasure making use of your tips in what we need to do in the near future. Our collection of ideas is a distance long and simply put tips is going to be put to very good use.

Again, SteFan Santarpia, I haven’t previously thought of my Sam Neill posts as “useful” or full of “tips”, so I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s a secret cadre of Sam Neill-obsessed stalkers who I am somehow aiding and abetting with my far more passive obsession with him. Either that, or you’re really into funny hats.

cancer scammer writes:

i don’t like your blog, it gave me cancer

Well, I’m glad it’s not all vague and seemingly unrelated praise! Although I’m sorry to hear about your condition, Cancer Scammer! I was previously unaware that sarcastic posts about Sam Neill in hats could cause cancer, but I guess that shows what I know! The cadre of Sam Neill-stalkers and I are rooting for you!

For more constructive criticism, does he love me writes about another Sam Neill update:

of course like your web site but you have to check the spelling on quite a few of your posts. Many of them are rife with spelling issues and I find it very troublesome to tell the truth nevertheless I will definitely come back again.

I’m sorry to hear that, does he love me. I completely understand how poor spelling and grammar can be really distracting! I guess I will try harder in the future to get my posts up to Spam Standards of English.

My most recent Sam Neill post also garnered some spam attention (spamtention?):

True Religion Jeans writes:

Impressive site. Plenty of helpful information here. I’m sending it for some friends ans in addition sharing throughout delicious. And positively, thank you in your sweat!

You’re welcome, True Religion Jeans, although I don’t sweat much while watching and writing up Sam Neill movies! I know, I make it look like such hard work, but once you’ve watched 106 hours of them like I have, you can generally sit through at least one without having to stop for a sports drink to replenish electrolytes.

Leigh Pickman writes:

I will pray. Gladly. Good to know there is a fellow NRA type gal who also loves Christ and good handbags.

Thanks for your prayers, Leigh! However, just because I have now watched A Hunt for Red October does not make me an “NRA type gal”. I can see why the confusion! After all, normally those two go together like Christ and good handbags! Sorry for the mixup.

Finally, I had SO MUCH spam correspondence about my first post responding to spam! It’s obvious that those spambots really appreciated that someone was finally taking the time to address their concerns:

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Cheap Name Brand Products writes:

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Spambots: the most misunderstood of all Internet goblins! See, you guys? If we just take the time to understand them and respond to their needs, they’ll show their gratitude in the only way they know how: vague and grammatically problematic blog comments. You’re welcome, guys!

Crystal Ball writes:

why are my comments not showing?

I’m sorry, Crystal! My blog settings are so prejudiced against spam! Don’t worry, we’ll always have VIQVI!

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Sam Neill Update: Prime Minister, Soviet Sub Captain, Master Criminal

May 25th, 2012 by pladd

Sorry I couldn’t think of an overarching theme for this week. It was going to be “Sam Neill: Action Guy”, but I couldn’t really make this first one fit with that. And then I thought maybe “Sam Neill: Forgettable Minor Character” but he’s the main villain–well “villain”–in the last one, so that didn’t work either. Deal with it. Current status of this project: 86% complete, 105 hours.

Molokai: The Story of Father Damien (1999)

Sam Neill's head has no business being the second biggest on this cover

The Movie: This film is based on the true story of Father Damien, a priest who selflessly worked for 16 years in the leper colony on the Hawaiian island of Molokai, petitioning the government and church for funds, helping to build houses and plant crops, and eventually dying of leprosy himself.

Sorry I didn't get any pictures of leprosy for you

The colony is a pretty terrible place to be, especially when Damien first gets there. People are forcibly sent there, taken away from their families, and it’s underfunded and lawless, with the few strong less-sick people stealing all the rations. With Damien’s help, global awareness grows, and the government is eventually forced to send them things like beds and a doctor. I was surprised to read that people were being moved there as late as 1969, and some of them are still there. Also, in 2009 Father Damien was made a saint!

The Character: Sam Neill plays the prime minister Walter M. Gibson whose wikipedia page pretty much reads like a ridiculous adventure novel (gunrunning? excommunication? buying a newspaper to tell everyone how great he is? a Pacific empire?). Unfortunately, the version of him Sam Neill plays is much less exciting, mostly limiting himself to weaseling out of giving Father Damien anything, and insisting that leprosy is just a form of syphilis, so clearly those people deserve it for being skanks.

But, hey, sideburns

What I Learned: All about leprosy! Which we are now calling Hansen’s disease. Apparently sufferers stop being contagious after 2 weeks of treatment and about 95% of people are naturally immune.

You should watch this if: you aren’t planning on eating breakfast while watching, unlike me

The Hunt for Red October (1990)

You’ve probably already seen this one, right?

I bet this was a lot more exciting in 1990

The Movie: I know it’s weird that I’ve never seen this, but you know I’m not a huge fan of war movies. I also managed to somehow live 22 years without knowing the basic plot, so I was pretty curious at the outset if Sean Connery was going to be a bad guy or not and how one-dimensional evil the Soviets would be, since this was made during the Cold War. If, like me, you somehow don’t know this plot, let me fill you in. Sean Connery is a USSR submarine captain who, along with his officers, has decided to defect to the US with their super cool awesome new submarine, the Red October.

According to imdb, that hair piece cost $20,000

In the process, he has to keep the US from just firing on him, keep the Russians from sinking the ship so it doesn’t fall into US hands, and save the rest of his crew who don’t know anything about this secret plan. Luckily, the CIA has Alex Baldwin, who can basically read his mind.

Also, Tim Curry is his doctor?

I don’t really understand all of what happened (I admit to completely spacing out during the “dramatic” submarine maneuvers at the end), but after getting the rest of the crew to evacuate because of a fake radiation leak, Sean Connery tricks the pursuing USSR submarine into blowing itself up. Somehow? I don’t know, the point is, he totally makes it to America and the government doesn’t want you to know about it.

Sean Connery/Sam Neill??? I ship it

The Character: Sam Neill plays Captain Vasili Borodin, and he seems to be Sean Connery’s second in command. At one point, he asks Sean Connery if the Americans will “let him live in Montana”, and that his plan is to marry a “round American woman” and raise rabbits and winter in Arizona with a pick up truck and just drive around from state to state, because they let you do that. And I was like “Russian Accent Sam, I will be your round American woman any day.” I would maybe even learn to cook rabbits.

Oh, but you've got to give me that hat. Important part of this deal

Unfortunately, our dreams could never be, since he’s killed by a cook/saboteur right before the submarine version of a Western shoot out. He dies saying how sad he is to never get to see Montana.

What I Learned: Apparently the sonar guy in the US submarine can hear the men singing inside the Red October at one point?? I had no idea sonar was so precise.

You should watch this if you like: war movies; not knowing what’s going on

Framed (2002 TV movie)

Rob Lowe with a New York accent was the main character of this movie, which was super distracting

This cover pretty much says it all

The Movie: Rob Lowe is vacationing with his family in the Bahamas when he happens to run into Sam Neill, famed money launderer. So he catches him! Yay! Then Sam Neill turns state’s evidence, or whatever, to help them get some Russian mob boss, but is convinced that the New York state attorney is crooked and out to get him. Rob Lowe is tricked into helping him escape? Or maybe it was their plan all along? Something like that.

I'm mainly used to Rob Lowe from Parks and Rec, so it was shocking to see him eat a candy bar

A lot of the plot hinges on Rob Lowe’s attempts to get Sam Neill to give him a “secret zip disk” with lots of incriminating data on it. lulz 2002

The Character: Sam Neill is like amoral James Bond, basically.

Just chillin on my boat with my wife and girlfriend. What?

He teaches Rob Lowe’s character about cloth napkins and fancy cooking, and, to make sure he’s not wearing a wire/being tracked, forces him to change clothes into this fancy schmancy suit he bought him.

"Are you giving me fashion tips at gun point?" "Someone has to"

Eventually Sam Neill gets away to live on his boat in the Caribbean with the two beautiful ladies that are right for him, and Rob Lowe gets his precious zip disk. After turning down a handful of diamonds for some reason. Sometimes being the good cop sucks.

What I Learned: In Brooklyn, using cloth napkins is grounds for your wife cheating on you.

You should watch this if: you want to see Sam Neill being ridiculously nonchalant about how fancy he is.

Previously: Dad Edition
Next: Losing My Mind Edition

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Posted in Project Series, Sam Neill Marathon |

Sam Neill Update: Dad Edition

May 18th, 2012 by pladd

According to my spreadsheet, I’m about 82% done with this project! So far I have spent roughly 99 hours watching Sam Neill movies and TV. Which is insane. But I’ve been at this for more than 8 months now.

This week I watched three movies where Sam Neill is a father figure!! Dads might be tied with crazy people and mean businessmen for Sam Neill’s Most Acted Roles. And one of today’s characters might just be all three!

Daybreakers (2009)

Like the Matrix with vampires instead of machines

The Movie: Vampires are now the dominant species on the planet! Houses and cars have UV protection shields, everyone drinks blood in their coffee, and humans are captured and rounded up for use in blood farms. Except they’re running out of blood and as starvation sets in they begin to turn into creepy bat-monsters with none of the suave coolness we expect from our modern vampires. But don’t worry! Sam Neill’s company is on the case! His scientists are totally trying to find a blood substitute that doesn’t make the drinker… explode violently. Except then his most brilliant scientist/secret human sympathizer gets kidnapped by humans!

Doesn't matter how attractive you are; you'll always look stupid in fake vampire teeth

Also, his name’s Edward, but this was oddly never played for irony. At Secret Human Refugee Camp, Edward meets an ex-vampire hillbilly named Elvis, who somehow got turned human one day during a car accident that exposed him to the sun and then plunged him into a lake to stop the burning. Because that… makes sense…? Whatever, they pull the same stunt on Edward and he’s cured! Unfortunately, his vampire brother tracks him down and bites Elvis… and then he’s cured too? Apparently biting an ex-vampire is also a… because… WHATEVER TIME TO TAKE DOWN THE BIG BOSS. Ed basically tricks Sam Neill into biting him, thus curing him of his vampirism, and then leaves him tied up so that his sweet human blood will distract the guards, who then take part in a disturbing feeding/becoming human/getting eaten cycle of gore. The final shot is Elvis driving our heroes into the sunrise, setting off to cure the rest of vampire society.

And yet, the plot still makes more sense than any other movie about a vampire named Edward I can think of

Regardless of the questionable idea of a “vampire cure”, I still liked this movie. It was interesting to see a conception of what a vampire society would be like, and also a slightly different take on vampire mythology than I’ve seen before i.e. that they only become monster-like when deprived of human blood.

The Character: Sam Neill plays Charles Bromley, the vampire CEO of a company that supplies the vampire world with blood. Unlike other randomly ruthless businessmen he’s played, Charles actually has a sympathetic back story, in that he was about to die of cancer before becoming a vampire. Yay, more time to spend with his daughter! Except she thinks vampires are monsters and goes into hiding.

Whatever, Sam Neill is the CLASSIEST vampire

Sam Neill hires Edward’s brother to track her down and make her one of them, but then she goes crazy and willingly turns herself into a starved bat monster, and Sam Neill has no choice but to order her execution along with the others. So probably not getting anything great for Father’s Day this year.

What I Learned: Vampires are easy to spot because they have glow-in-the-dark yellow eyes.

You should watch this if you like: actually scary vampires; “science”

Bicentennial Man (1999)

171 excruciating minutes of Robin Williams

The Movie: Unlike a lot of the movies I’ve watched for this project, it’s possible you’ve seen this one. It’s based on an Asimov story and I remember it being kind of a big deal when it came out. Or at least, I remember people talking about it, which is more than I can say for most movies from this project. I don’t remember why I didn’t see it at the time, but my guess would be because it’s over two hours long but feels like five. Robin Williams is an android named Andrew acquired by Sam Neill for his family. His wife and older daughter are creeped out by it, but his younger daughter forms a nauseating attachment to it. Unlike other robots, Andrew can build and create because of some kind of mechanical anomaly. The robot eventually gains its freedom, travels the world to search for others of its kind, and comes back with a body upgrade to make it look like Robin Williams, because of course that’s what you would choose. Then it falls in love with Sam Neill’s great-granddaughter and petitions the world court for human rights, eventually installing its own mortality so that it and its marriage to a human woman can be considered real.

Yeah, Sam Neill died in the first third of this movie but I kept on watching. For you.

The Character: Sam Neill plays Richard Martin, the dad who originally purchases Andrew for his family. He’s the one most excited about the technology, and stands up for Andrew’s rights when the company tries to recall him and reprogram him to be a “normal” robot. He also decides to teach Andrew about life, but crankily refuses to let him buy his freedom, eventually banishing him from the house because of it, only to repent on his death bed. Still unclear on if he would sanction his descendant’s sketchy robot union.

Also he and his wife drink wine and play chess in the evening. Because they are enlightened future people.

I guess I just found it hard to suspend my disbelief. Like, if you are going to marry an aging robot, why one that looks like Robin Williams?

What I Learned: Robots are just as boring as people.

You should watch this if you like: long, drawn out stories about feelings

The Zookeeper (2001)

It's tough being a father figure to a kid with an AK-47 and a nicotine addiction

The Movie: Ludovic stays behind after everyone else evacuates the Eastern European city where he works as a zookeeper because someone has to look out for these animals! The soldiers are threatening and scary, and it’s possible that he and the animals both will starve to death or be killed in fiery explosions. Eventually a badass old-before-his-time street child and his mother seek refuge in the zoo, and Ludovic is gruff and annoyed, but tries to hide them from the soldiers. After a final night of heavy bombing during which most of the animals die, Ludovic finally agrees to leave the zoo and escape with the mother and son. Of course the mother is dramatically shot just when you think everyone is safe, but Ludovic, the boy, and a cute wolf puppy all make it to a UN camp.

Also, this happens, and suddenly EVERYTHING IS WORTH IT I LOVE YOU SAM

The Character: Sam Neill is Ludovic, who seems to have a lot of demons in his past. He really just wants to hide from the outside world inside the zoo, keeping to his quiet routine without being bothered. But the sad little boy with his chilling willingness to shoot a man for cigarettes eventually wins his pity, and he tries to help him realize that some things Aren’t His Fault, and it’s okay to cry or feel sad. Sam Neill’s Eastern European accent was a little weird, but I think that’s just because I’m so used to his regular one.

Also, at one point he bribes the mean soldier captain to go away with a baby lion

What I Learned: Sam Neill explains to his doomed veterinarian friend that even if a bottle seems empty, there’s always 13 drops left. Truly, hope springs eternal.

You should watch this if you like: grim war movies; children with PTSD, animals!!

Previously: Creepster Edition
Next: Prime Minister, Soviet Sub Captain, Master Criminal

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Posted in Project Series, Sam Neill Marathon |

Calculus and Cocktails

May 16th, 2012 by pladd

Steven and I are brushing up on our calculus. For a variety of reasons, including my childhood association of math with family and fun. And something about Steven’s work? I don’t know, the point is calculus and cocktails are alliterative, which gives me permission to do this:

Oh yeah

The Calculus

My mom lent me the annotated teacher’s edition of this text book, Calculus: Graphical, Numerical, Algebraic. AP* Edition. Plus a solution’s manual! Combined with my vague memories of junior year, we should be all set!

The answers are in blue, but we usually hide them with a card

We’ve actually been doing this for a little while (before we thought of the cocktails part, see below) so this was section 2.2 Limits Involving Infinity. It involved a lot more looking at graphs to decide things than either of us remember doing in highschool, but maybe that’s because I’ve blocked out everything before chapter 3.3 (I peeked ahead) and Steven went to highschool back when calculators probably filled entire rooms.

I mean, he is turning 27 this weekend; so old right now!

The Cocktails

Of course, Steven has always been into making fancy drinks (and food, for that matter), but things really took off two weeks ago, on Carrboro Day(!), when he bought an in-depth book about cocktails from the Carrboro branch library book sale.

A dollar well spent.

It not only has lots of recipes (and good pictures!) but information on how various liquors and liqueurs are made, how to make fancy garnishes, and the history of liquor and specific cocktails. Exciting!

These were the two he made yesterday:

For me, a Jamaica Sunday

So maybe I drank half of it before remembering to take a picture

Ingredients: 2 measures dark rum, 1/4 measure honey, 1/2 measure lime juice, 2 measures sparkling lemonade

You combine the honey and rum first, then add the lime juice, and finally the lemonade.

This drink was great, especially since I really like lime. It wasn’t too sweet or sticky like some cocktails, and the honey+rum combination made both of them taste better. Steven thought it was too strong-tasting, but he never had his taste buds sanded off by Taaka, so there it is.

For himself, Steven unashamedly made the Pink Pussycat.

Totally confident in his gender identity

Ingredients: 2 measures gin, 3 measures pineapple juice, 2 measures grapefruit juice, 1/2 measure grenadine

Just shake em all up together.

Steven really liked this drink and recommends it to anyone who doesn’t like tasting alcohol, but likes grapefruit. I didn’t, because all I could taste was the pineapple juice, a flavor I like, but not on its own.

In conclusion, this is the best combination of things ever!!! Thank you, alliteration.

Next time: Chapter 2.3, Continuity and probably something involving sweet tea vodka

Tagged: , ,

Posted in Project Series |

Servery Challenge: Whipped Cream Chocovine

April 30th, 2012 by pladd

At this point, I’m pretty sure Chocovine only comes up with new flavors to challenge me. I mean, who else is buying this stuff? So I have to say, they didn’t try very hard with whipped cream flavored Chocovine. It tastes far less horrible than any other flavor of Chocovine I’ve ever tried, and Rob even admitted that he would “totally drink it normally” after testing it pre-competition. It should be noted that this was Rob’s first ever Chocovine servery challenge, so he lacked the other competitors’ bitterness on the subject.

Also this time I took notes during the competition so I don’t have to guess about what was in each thing!!! Instead, I have to decipher my own abbreviations, which is perhaps just as difficult. Also for the first time, I decided we would vote by actually writing our choice down on secret ballot instead of blurting it out one by one. This was to keep Rob from trying to game the vote so that he wins, despite forcing us to drink pickles and strawberries or whatever. I think it worked out pretty well!

The Entries

Berry Good Time by Megan


Berry Good Time by Megan
Ingredients: Milk, strawberry syrup, “a little bit of the chocovine”, sprinkles, whipped cream, colorful straws arranged in a pattern

Megan’s entry tasted pretty much just like strawberry milk, which is delicious. And nothing is ever hurt by the addition of whipped cream and sprinkles. It also had the added interactive component of having to figure out which straw hadn’t been used when it was handed to you. Fun AND educational! Megan’s strategy of using as little chocovine as possible definitely helped in the taste department, though I’m not sure how much it “makes chocovine palatable” as per the rules. I guess she could be showing us that the best way to drink chocovine is not to.

Chocolate Cherry Surprise by Rob


Chocolate Cherry Surprise by Rob
Ingredients: Chocovine, kirsch cherry liqueur, maraschino cherries, whipped cream, the contents of cookies and cream milk straws, and vanilla salt

Rob claimed that this was “the least prepared” he’s ever been for a servery challenge, which, thinking back to when these actually took place in a servery, I can’t believe is true. Instead of just throwing random things from my cupboard into a cup, he at least tried to go with a theme. Unfortunately, that theme was fake cherry flavor, so to me his drink tasted kind of like cough syrup. I know other people are more a fan of that, though, so I don’t judge. The whipped cream and the kirsch mixed made the whipped cream go a little globby and gross-looking, and the tiny balls he cut out of the milk straws didn’t fully dissolve. Still, everyone agreed, WAY better than strawberries and pickles.

Fuck, What's The Name of Mine by Steven


Fuck, What’s the name of Mine? by Steven
Ingredients: Chocovine, ice cream, chocolate syrup

Steven made a kind of chocovine milkshake that turned out to be surprisingly tasty! In fact, many of us asked for seconds! I think it helped that it was served chilled, thanks to the ice cream. The intense cold blocked out a lot of the gross aftertaste you often get with chocovine, and let you just concentrate on the chocolate. He decided on the name moments after remembering that you needed a name, and I think it shows.

ChocoPuddingVine by Patricia


ChocoPuddingVine by Me
Ingredients: Instant Chocolate Pudding mix, chocovine, milk

Since this was my fourth chocovine challenge, I decided I had to go for something different to really set mine apart. Instead of making a drink, I decided to just replace half the milk in instant pudding with chocovine. So a lot like my blue raspberry/instant potato strategy, but not completely crazy and disgusting. I was a little surprised that the pudding was able to set fairly well just sitting on our table within the 10 minute time limit, and it pretty much tasted like normal chocolate pudding with a little kick. I was gratified to see that some people ate more than the required taste!

The Judging
After a process of secret ballot, Steven was declared the winner!!! This puts him at a 75% Chocovine challenge win rate. Clears his emphasis on presentation and meticulous attention to detail is giving him some kind of unfair advantage.

Rob won Most Improved

Megan won Least Like Chocovine (which is totally a compliment)

And I won Most Innovative possibly at my own insistence.

Overall, I’d say this was the most pleasant Chocovine Challenge ever! No one’s entry was so disgusting that I couldn’t swallow, and nothing will haunt my taste buds for all time. I’m pretty sure that’s never happened before. Seriously, we should have a competition where Original Chocovine’s Squidstache by Rachel and Espresso Chocovine’s The Rob by Thomas duke it out for Most Nauseating Thing Ever.

Also, since everyone always leaves the ingredients they brought to compete with in my kitchen, we’re eventually going to have to have “using up past servery challenge ingredients” servery challenge. Stay tuned.

Our celebrity guest judge was annoyed by the secret ballot process, being unable to read

Past Chocovine Challenges:
The Original
Raspberry
Espresso

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Posted in Project Series, Servery Challenges |

VIQVI: Responding to Spam

April 24th, 2012 by pladd

This week on Vitally Important Questions of Vital Importance, I’ve decided to look to the only comments folder that’s consistently full on my blog, the one reserved for spam. Or what my blog thinks is spam. Oh, sure, some of these are just lists of links trying to sell me pirated software or SEO packages or whatever, but others seem to be genuinely reaching out to me. I’m sorry you got filtered into my spam folder, sincere if confused commenters! So I will spend this entry trying to answer your queries personally in any way I can.

Easy Content Services writes:

Hello Website Owner! I found your blog on Google and I really like it. My team provides professional article writing, and we are able to do it for $0.01 per word – that’s $5 for a 500 word article. All of our writers are based in the United States, and all of our articles passes the Copyscape test. If you are interested in using our service, or simply want to give us a try, please check out website out

Hello, Easy Content Services! It sounds like you have a completely legitimate operation going on here, but I’m not convinced your team will be able to watch Sam Neill movies with the dedication and care I require, so I will be respectfully declining your offer.

What is castor oil made from writes:

I really enjoy this template youve got going on on your site. What is the name of the theme by the way? I was thinking of using this style for the web site I am going to make for my school project.

Thanks, What is castor oil made from! I’m glad you like it! It’s called “Steven Wiggins is long suffering”.

Lady Bussone writes:

Hi there, every time i used to check website posts here in the early hours in the daylight, because i enjoy to find out more and more.

Wow! I’m so honored that a member of the landed gentry is reading my blog! I’m not surprised you can only find the time to do it in the early hours of daylight; you’re probably super busy waving from carriages and keeping peasant revolts down.

How To Get Rid of a Sore Throat writes about my post reviewing Goddess Girls: Athena the Brain:

My spouse and I absolutely love your blog and find a lot of your post’s to be just what I’m looking for. can you offer guest writers to write content to suit your needs? I wouldn’t mind writing a post or elaborating on many of the subjects you write regarding here. Again, awesome weblog!

I’m so glad both you and your spouse are so interested in tween fiction! I guess if you wanted to both review a tween version of The Poetic Edda or something I would be okay with that! Send it to me when you’re done!

Tasha Thompson writes about this Sam Neill post:

I have been surfing on-line greater than three hours lately, but I by no means discovered any interesting article like yours. It is pretty value sufficient for me. Personally, if all website owners and bloggers made good content as you probably did, the web will likely be much more helpful than ever before.

I know what you mean, Tasha! It seems like most of the rest of the Internet is completely ignoring Sam Neill for some reason! I’m glad you found my review helpful, I assume in impressing people at parties with your vast knowledge of different Sam Neill movies.

Devis Cumulus writes about this post of pictures from my camera:

An fascinating dialogue is worth comment. I think that you need to write extra on this matter, it might not be a taboo topic but typically individuals are not enough to talk on such topics. To the next. Cheers

You’re right, Devis! Why are individuals not talking more about My Little Pony embroidery or rugs or cakes that clarify that you are in fact da man?? What has our society come to??

17 Knicks writes:

Today, I went to the beachfront with my children. I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She put the shell to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is entirely off topic but I had to tell someone!

Wow, 17 Knicks! I can see why you wanted to share with someone! I too often find my guilt eating away at me Lady Macbeth style until I’m forced to come clean, even just to a stranger on a blog post about the Rice Annual Fund. You knew that shell had a hermit crab in it, didn’t you? I mean, they’re pretty heavy and obvious–you were clearly hoping it would attack your daughter, maybe subconsciously. That’s not the answer to your crushing loneliness and frustration with life as a stay at home mom, 17 Knicks. I hope that you will seek the help you need.

Arvilla Hatherly writes about this Sam Neill post:

I do like the way you have framed this challenge and it really does supply us a lot of fodder for thought. Nonetheless, because of just what I have observed, I basically hope as other commentary pile on that people today continue to be on point and in no way get started upon a soap box of some other news du jour. Yet, thank you for this exceptional piece and although I do not concur with it in totality, I respect your point of view.

Thanks for being respectful even if we don’t agree, Arvilla! It’s okay if you actually liked Alcatraz and weren’t as excited to see Moaning Myrtle in a different context. I too am so annoyed when people use my blog just to comment on the news du jour! This is NOT what the Sam Neill marathon is about, you guys! I’m looking at you, 17 Knicks! Arvilla doesn’t want some soap box in the comments either, maybe about the original Doctor Zhivago, BRIAN. Arvilla is calling you out.

Dovie Number writes about that same Sam Neill update:

had to cry over that blog post it was of superior quality. who could ask for anything more?

I guess it was only a matter of time before one of my Sam Neill updates made someone cry over how great they are. I always just assumed it would be Sam Neill himself, but there’s still time for that. Thanks for the tears, Dovie!

I can’t believe I’ve been basically ignoring my spam folder for so long! Clearly it is just full of compliments!! I feel great! Thanks, Spam!

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Posted in Advice |

Sam Neill Update: Creepster Edition

April 20th, 2012 by pladd

I love when the three Sam Neill movies I watch seem to share a theme through no planning of my own! Unfortunately, today’s theme is skeevy creepsters.

Ivanhoe (1984)

1980s Medieval England was the best Medieval England

The Movie: A film version of the Sir Walter Scott novel of the same name, Ivanhoe returns from the Crusades only to be gravely wounded in a tournament which he still wins. His dad, a staunch Saxon lord, wants nothing to do with him because he’s a supporter of Norman King Richard, and so it falls to Isaac and Rebecca, the Jewish father-daughter team, to attend his wounds while his OTL Lady Rowena looks on. Then everyone goes on a field trip to York, but are captured along the way by Prince John’s jerky knights. One of them wants to marry Rowena, another seems to have a thing for Rebecca, and no one realizes the “injured old woman” is secretly Ivanhoe!

Also, one of them is John Rhys-Davies, seen here being pulled into a homoerotic bath

Luckily Robin Hood and King Richard in disguise rally the local peasants and storm the castle! Everyone lives happily ever after, except Rebecca who gets kidnapped by Brian de Bois-Guilbert, who’s totally a Templar, but still thinks he can run away with her to his chapter house without anyone minding. As an order not known for being all about women, they, of course, are not pleased, and immediately accuse her of Jewish witchcraft! Brian is forced to fight in trial by combat against her champion, Ivanhoe, who’s finally decided to do something besides lie around moaning. Of course, Ivanhoe wins, Brian dies, and everyone lives happily ever after. Oh, except Rebecca, who is clears in love with Ivanhoe, but can’t marry him because she’s not blonde enough. The narrator even tells us at the end that, though Ivanhoe married Rowena, he often thought of Rebecca.

Also, here's Isaac's hat. I thought you'd want to see it.

The Character: Since this is the creepster edition, you can probably guess already that Sam Neill is Brain de Bois-Guilbert, the Templar knight who is all about kidnapping Rebecca. He threatens to rape her at first, but then apologizes at the end of the conversation claiming he’s “not normally like this”.

Sexual assault is maybe not the best ice breaker

When the castle gets stormed, he escapes with her oddly easily, and seems genuinely upset when his fellow Templars put her on trial and threaten to burn her. He suggests they run away and get married in some distant land where he will “treat her like a princess”, but she refuses because he’s creepy and also not Jewish. Then he wants to fight as her champion but the other Templars forbid it. Unlike in the book (I think?), in this movie he’s allowed to redeem himself during his final battle with Ivanhoe. Ivanhoe is still pretty wounded and losing pathetically, until Sam Neill just opens his arms and lets him stab him in the chest.

While the Canadian KKK looked on

I like this version because it takes Ivanhoe’s one heroic act in the story, besides showing Isaac a shortcut through the woods in the beginning, and turns it into a Sam Neill heroic act instead. Go back to your bland WASPy lady, Ivanhoe. Snarky Robin Hood provides the best commentary for this scene:

"....... the F?"

What I Learned: Apparently this book created a lot of the elements of the typical Robin Hood legends we know today!

You should watch this if you like: Medieval period pieces where everyone has 80s hair

Doctor Zhivago (2002 TV movie)

Full disclosure: I did not get through this ridiculously long drama. I watched maybe four and a half hours over a two day period before giving up in despair. Russian literature often overwhelms me for being just too bleak and filled with crushing lack of character agency, so I guess that’s not really a surprise.

For some reason the cover flaunts "6 HOURS!" like it's a good thing

The Movie: Yuri’s dad jumps out of a moving train because he’s so in debt so Yuri is sent to live with his… relatives? At least I think they are until Yuri grows up and totes marries the daughter he was raised beside like a sibling, so maybe they are just creepy family friends? Anyway, Yuri trains to become a doctor and one night is called to assist a woman who has poisoned herself because her lover is not-so-secretly in love with her teenage daughter, Keira Knightley. Yuri naturally falls in love with Keira Knightley, but knows their love can never be because he also sees her being creepily hit on by the much older Viktor. Later he meets her again when he’s a WWI doctor and she’s a nurse, and they have a sort of weird not-quite love affair, before he goes home to find communists have taken over his house. He gets in trouble at his new job at the hospital for saying that there’s a Yellow Fever epidemic, even though there totally is, and his family decides to move to the less dangerous Ural Mountains where his wife’s family has an old shack. Conveniently, near the same town Keira Knightley is now living in! On the way, they befriend a doomed urchin boy and meet Keira Knightley’s ex-husband, who has become an embittered, emotionless communist after discovering his wife’s creepy affair/feelings for Viktor. Everyone looks miserable and the movie beats you over the head with how cruel the world is and how powerless all the characters are. I really tried to continue, but the combination of the bleak historical accuracy, Keira Knightley’s pinchy lips, and Sam Neill’s disappearance after the first 2 hours broke my spirit. I can only assume the hour and a half I didn’t get to contain more of the same. Maybe Sam Neill comes back at some point.

Another common theme of today is ridic hats, apparently

The Character: Sam Neil is Viktor Komarovsky, Keira Knightley’s mom’s lover and also the guy whom Yuri’s dad owed all that money to, leading to his suicide! Russia’s a small world.

We meet again, Mustache Sam

Viktor is a sketchball who somehow convinces Keira Knightley’s delusional mother that he just wants to buy Keira a fancy dress and take her out alone because it’s her birthday. Every time Keira Knightley tells him she doesn’t want to see him anymore, he tells her she doesn’t know what she wants and that “we are the same”. She eventually marries Pasha to get away from him, but when she tells Pasha about her experience and he’s like “Well… you didn’t have a choice”, she starts weirdly defending him, “It wasn’t like that, you don’t understand.”

Stockholm Syndrome much?

Keira Knightley also once tells Mustache Sam that he’ll be the first one up against the wall when the communist revolution comes, but he just laughs at her and says the new regime will also find him rich, powerful, and useful, which, according to a brief skim of Wikipedia about the ending of the book, is pretty much accurate. Sorry, Sam Neill. I wish I could have held on long enough to see your return to this ridiculously long movie, but there are some things even my oddly intense devotion to this blog project won’t justify. You understand, right? I’m pretty sure even you have never sat through more than the first half of Merlin’s Apprentice.

What I Learned: Apparently you can just learn nursing “as you go along”; Bolsheviks hated poetry

You should watch this if you like: really really really really really really long historical Russian melodramas; the fundamental powerlessness of humanity

Reilly: Ace of Spies (1983 TV miniseries)

And you’re going to think the theme of this post is also “slacking” because I only watched the first episode of this show. Whatever, you guys, there are like 12 of them, and if I am going to watch the complete run of any Sam Neill TV show, we all know I’m starting with “Hot Guys Without Shirts“.

Oh, Sam Neill! You know how proud I am whenever you make it onto the cover of anything

The Movie: Sidney Reilly was the real life person whom James Bond is based on! A lot of his life is “shrouded in legend” because he was “a master of deception”. I’m serious, sometimes Wikipedia just can’t help itself. In this first episode (titled “An Affair with a Married Woman”), Reilly is trying to get out of the Russian Empire at the turn of the last century with a secret report about oil or something. But the Russians suspect him and detain him near the border, along with a crabby old Reverend Thomas and his dissatisfied young wife. Natch Reilly immediately starts flirting with Mrs. Thomas, then asks her to come to his room in the night as a decoy for his escape attempt, promising to be “waiting for her” when they both make it back to England. LULZ JK you will be detained in Russian prison for months. Then the British Secret Intelligence Service claim to not know who Reilly is and there’s a huge scandal about Mrs. Thomas maybe sleeping with him FOR ENGLAND under false pretenses. Then he shows up to the press conference they are having about it and is like “lolol u guys r such jokesters of corse u know me EPIC LULZ ON U MRS. T-MAS!”

I'm sorry, something about this cocky grin makes me think in ironic Internet speak

Then when they’re alone he’s basically like “Well, we might as well do it. Your husband’s so old you’re probably going to be a rich widow soon.” She flounces off angry, and Sam Neill discovers someone in the SIS has murdered his favorite prostitute! Also there’s some kind of secret OTHER oil report! Eventually he catches the killer and everyone loves him again, including Mrs. Thomas who totes marries him when her husband dies. What?

Good thing my hate turned to love just in time, as per romantic comedy rules!

The Character: Of course Sam Neill is Reilly: Ace of Spies! Unlike the other entries on this list, his creepsterhood in this show is portrayed as more of a cheeky player. You know, just like James Bond. Though he’s upset about the death of his favorite prostitute Rose, and does try to figure out who killed her, he gets over it quick enough to flash that smirky little grin at Mrs. Thomas. They’re just women, right? Uggggggh.

What I Learned: You shouldn’t milk your cows if you’re “expecting” an earthquake (how does that work?) because the milk will just go bad during it

You should watch this if you like: more historically accurate James Bond; smirky little grins

Previously: Ruthless Businessman, Ex-Prison Guard, Sad Husband
Next: Dad Edition

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Posted in Sam Neill Marathon |

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