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Servery Challenge: Condiments

October 23rd, 2012 by pladd

I know how you feel. It’s been almost six months since our last servery challenge! How can this be? How have we gone so long without seeing blurry pictures of questionable concoctions? Don’t worry, that streak is now at an end!

You all know Servery Challenge rules. 10 minutes. 4 competitors. 1 victor. The others face the dual risk of shame and food poisoning. This time the challenge was to create this best condiment (tested with french fries). It had to have at least three ingredients, and voting took place by secret ballot. Here are the entries:

Taco Frito by James

Name: Taco Frito
Creator: James Fox
Ingredients: taco seasoning mix, Mexican 4 cheese blend, ketchup

It may look like a mutated French fry whose brains are exploding out of it, but this actually didn’t taste that bad if you could get over its texture and appearance. James learned the hard way that some kinds of cheese are just not made for melting.

Dillpocalypse by Steven

Name: Dillpocalypse
Creator: Steven
Ingredients: oil, raw egg, salt, pepper, dill, season salt

So Steven apparently tried to kind of make his own mayonnaise, and it ended poorly. It had the consistency of soup and the added excitement of wondering if you were about to get salmonella. No one wants to dip their fries in salmonella-dill-water, Steven.

Presto Pesto by Patricia

Name: Presto Pesto
Creator: Me
Ingredients: mayonnaise with olive oil, basil, garlic

I admit to being a little disappointed with myself for going with the easiest thing I could think of. My first thought was to go with a dessert-themed dip, but then I remembered the horror of the SquidStache and was too scared. I think I got the proportions a little off, and some people might say it was “too garlicky”, although I have yet to see scientific evidence that this concept even exists.

Hunka Hunka Burning Love by Rob

Name: Hunka Hunka Burning Love
Creator: Rob
Ingredients: vanilla yogurt, curry powder, chili flakes, hot sauce

This one definitely won most creative, and maybe even most surprising? When I was watching Rob make it, I was skeptical, but it wasn’t as bad as your taste buds imagined! I think if he had used regular instead of vanilla flavored yogurt it would have been more of a contender. As it was, the dip was definitely not unpalatable, but featured a strange aftertaste and a confusing mix of sweet and spicy.

After tallying the votes the winner was… Read the rest of this entry »

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Posted in Servery Challenges |

Spam Report: September 2012

October 1st, 2012 by pladd

This month has been an exciting one for spam, including a few real people getting caught in the filters and more racial slurs than usual (I just delete those). Here are some highlights:

On my post about Jeremy Messersmith and his Supper Club Tour:

Silver account writes:

Now that is something to cry for because that is a disgrace, a national disgrace, and we haven’t done enough, obviously — this administration hasn’t done enough to cure that. Whatever interest they have is not strong enough, and I think possibly now it may be time for somebody else to come along and solve the problem.

You’re so right, Silver account! If only more politicians read my blog, they would see that what people really care about is hipster musicians from Minneapolis! My inability to attend the Supper Club Tour is probably the deciding issue in this election.

On my post making fun of wedding dresses:

Leather beds writes:

Well crafted post, well researched and useful for me in the future.

I hope you mean for when you are a ninja bride!!

Wedding gift ideas asks:

In Firefox – How to open in new tab automatically when I click a bookmark?

Either right click and select “open in new tab” or hold down the ctrl key while you click!

What? Even spambots have information needs sometimes and it’s my sworn librarian duty to help anyone in their knowledge quest, even if they’re obnoxious or not technically real.

As always, last month’s spam post got a lot of attention:

bigcat writes:

Aw, this was a really nice post. In thought I wish to put in writing like this additionally – taking time and precise effort to make an excellent article… however what can I say… I procrastinate alot and not at all seem to get something done.

Thanks, bigcat! I always appreciate fan mail! Unfortunately, not everyone agrees with you:

Greatest writes:

Hi, I just wanted to mention, you��re dead wrong. Your article doesn��t make any sense.

I’m sorry you feel that way, Greatest. Responding to the demographic with which I’m most popular–spambots–makes perfect sense to me, and if that makes me dead wrong, then I don’t want to be right.

At first the comments on Banned Books Week 2012 seemed perfectly normal.

Efron Zableski writes:

After the raccons made my moms life a living nightmare she decided to call Master Trapper and get rid of her irritating problem.

Wow, you spambots seem to have as much trouble with raccoons as you do spelling.

Then things took a worrying turn:

Keenan Casburn:

I went to STD testing and they did a great job!

Le haire:

Call STD Testing for all your peace of mind.

Sarina Carmona:

STD Testing is something I recommend to all of my friends. I feel it is very important to stay safe and be aware!

I mean… I also agree that it’s important to be safe and aware, spambots, but… what are you trying to tell me?

But this was nothing compared to the insult that was to come. Usually I don’t let the trolls or haters bother me, even when they claim that my blog has given them cancer or that I’m working with a porn-pushing librarian cabal, but this one really hit me where I live:

nemme Ian writes:

naturally like your web-site but you need to take a look at the spelling on several of your posts. Several of them are rife with spelling problems and I in finding it very troublesome to tell the reality however I¡¦ll surely come again again.

WHY, nemme Ian? WHY must you say these hurtful things to me????

Another worrying, though less personally insulting, development on this same post, was my discovery that spambots have gained at least semi-sentience:

zilp writes:

I have read far more of those than I expected.You souhld do that first series because I want to know if I souhld read it. You souhld do Perks of Being a Wallflower because I want to see what pictures you would draw for it. You souhld do Catcher in the Rye ONLY if you hated it as much as me and will give it a horrible review, otherwise do something else. Maybe an adult book because you haven’t done any of those? Maybe Tweak because I think it is FAR FAR more inappropriate, and poorly written, and ban worthy (if I believed in banning books) than most of the things on the list.

I stared at this for awhile, trying to decide if it was a real person with terrible spelling and reading comprehension skills, or a surprisingly sophisticated spambot. Maybe the missing link between the two? Eventually the spammy-looking link attached to the name swayed me into putting it in the spam report, but that preliminary decision could be reversed at any time with new evidence. Comment again, zlip, so I can solve this mystery! Please! For science!

Also, I’ve already reviewed the Perks of Being a Wallflower and I don’t know what pictures you’re talking about.

More spambots seemed unusually on target for the Banned Books Week: Notebook Girls post, although without zilp’s human-passing skillz:

Silver price writes:

The world was just so unlike anything. There’s this mix of science fiction but yet most of the world feelings like you are feeling like it’s something straight out of Amish country. The hierarchy of the Luddites and the Reduced/Posts was so fascinating. The descriptions. ALL OF IT. I could picture the estate and the surrounding scenes of nature. It was written so phenomenally — one of those books where the world starts swirling off the pages and begins to be a motion picture in my mind. There were some things I wished were explained a little better about the world and I thought at the end I wasn’t so sure how Eliot completely reconciled what she learned about Kai so quickly but I got over that just fine.

Nice try, Silver price, but you’ve spammed my blog way too many times before to convince me that you are real. Also, you seem to be rambling about a completely different book, but props for realizing my post was a book review. Better luck next time.

Finally, besides some words from the author(!!), my Banned Books Week: My mom is having a baby post gained some good spam reviews:

good articles writes:

You are my inhalation , I possess few web logs and occasionally run out from to post .

I’m not really sure what “you are my inhalation” means, but my gut tells me it’s a come on. Thanks, good articles, I’m flattered, but I’m not ready to break society’s taboo on spambot-human relationships yet. Plus, I’m married.

And also:

first years wave stroller crimson:

naturally like your web site however you need to check the spelling on several of your posts. Many of them are rife with spelling problems and I to find it very bothersome to tell the reality however I will certainly come back again.

Sigh. See you next month.

Previously: August 2012 Report

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Posted in Spam Report |

Sam Neill Update: Playing Both Sides Edition

September 7th, 2012 by pladd

Sorry this took me so long! I actually watched an entire TV series!! It was only one season, but that’s still better than I usually manage. This project is now sitting at roughly 89% completion and 124 hours.

Happy Town (2010 TV series)

If you have a secret identity tattoo on your upper shoulder, stop wearing shirts with such weird necklines!

The Show: Happy Town is actually Haplin, Minnesota, a small town where nothing ever seems to happen–or so they want you to think. A series of unsolved kidnappings still haunts the town, even though the last person was taken by “The Magic Man” years ago. The kidnappings were never solved, and the victims never found. But now they seem to be starting all over again! It’s one of those shows where everyone is a suspect and, even if they’re not The Magic Man, still has dramatic secrets anyway. The town matriarch who owns the bread factory and will do anything to preserve her family’s reputation, the newly-appointed sheriff whose dad seems to have gone crazy (with guilt?) and whose mom died under mysterious circumstances (OR DID SHE?), the newcomer to town who is clearly lying about her identity and knows more than she’s saying, some teens who are in love but their families hate each other, the owner of a pizza shop whose obsession with the Magic Man leads him to MURDER, the creepy new guy obsessed with old-timey movies and being mysterious, and a set of exciting old ladies who just want to woo him:

And protect themselves from The Magic Man the only way they know how

It was cancelled after only one season, and the series finale opens more questions than it answers. They do reveal the identity of The Magic Man, and though one of the actors claimed that, once revealed, the audience will think it was obvious all along, I kind of think the implications are impossible. Like… there are too many logistical problems. Plus, the main protagonist’s secret identity is never revealed, and the show’s vaguely supernatural obsession with an Old German Film called “The Blue Door” is never explained. We only see snippets of this film throughout the show, but it’s some serious Lost shit: characters who have died appear as actors in the movie and, upon viewing it, Rich Teen changes his mind from running away with his girlfriend to “That was the worst thing I have ever seen… I have to stay here. My place is here.” I turned to the Internet for answers, and all the ones people have come up with are kind of unsatisfactory and crazy, like that the film is purgatory or something. I hate when mystery shows start throwing in supernatural elements randomly. It seems kind of lazy to me.

Also, Amy Acker was there

Sorry for the rant. It’s been bugging me.

The Character: Of course Sam Neill plays Merritt Grieves, the vaguely creepy but super suave owner of this weirdly-placed olde-timey movie memorabilia shop:

Small town Minnesota is JUST the place for you! Clears not hiding something at all!

Sam Neill is really, really good at playing characters whose morals you aren’t quite sure of. I’m thinking of all the flashbacks of him in Crusoe and how I’m still not sure if he was going to be a bad guy or not in that. His mannerisms can be sinister, while at the same time he’s being completely charming. In Happy Town, he claims all the old ladies at his boarding house fussing over him is “the burden of being eternally dashing”. When asked by Evil Matriarch (who is crushin’ on him hardcore) if he wants her to show him around, he responds gallantly with “even more than I would like the ascot back in style”.

Basically the whole time I was like “AHHHHH YOU’RE SO AMAZING!!! But probably also evil? BUT AMAZING!”

Turns out, he was just pretending this whole time, and is actually a badass leather-jacket wearing guy who came to Haplin to catch The Magic Man, who kidnapped his son a long time ago… in England? This is where the “answer” to who the Magic Man is really breaks down.

What I Learned: Don’t trust strangers in hospital cafeterias–they will try to poison you for no reason.

You Should Watch If: You think you can figure out what the heck is going on, so you can explain it to me.

Victory (1996)

This cover looks way more exciting than it actually is

The Movie: So this guy, whose name is Axel (!), lives on an isolated island in the Dutch East Indies. There’s some rumors that he killed his former business partner, but they’re obviously not true because he’s clearly a quiet knight of chivalry. While visiting the port of Surabaya for some reason, he meets Alma, a woman/prostitute being kept in slavery by a guy who owns an “All female orchestra”, which is a barely-disguised front. Not wanting to be sold to the racist hotel owner, Alma asks Axel for help, and he smuggles her away to his secluded island home.

Laaaaaadies

Incidentally, that’s Willem Dafoe, who I recognize from another, more fun Sam Neill movie:

Where his name was Elvis and he was badass

Like Daybreakers, he and Sam Neill are enemies, and also Sam Neill dies at the end.

The Character: Sam Neill plays Mr. Jones, a strangely particular criminal wandering around the world creating gambling rings and stabbing people when they can’t pay. He also hates women and the noise they make.

And looks like someone you’d want to punch

Racist hotel guy, trying to get them and their violence out of his place, tells Sam Neill’s assistant about the beautiful girl who was stolen from him by Axel, so Sam Neill and his plucky crew head out to the island to cause drama and burn stuff down.

Yeah, use Sam Neill as a weapon of revenge, that’ll work out

Eventually, everyone dies except Axel, who, the narration tells us, leaves the island and begins to live again. So… thanks, dead Alma?

What I Learned: 1913 was a rough time to be in the Dutch East Indies

You Should Watch if: ehhh I can’t think of a reason, you shouldn’t. Sorry.

Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole (2010)

For some reason, Steven thought this would be good enough to bend his “No More Sam Neill” rule again

The Movie: So, cgi owls, guys! This movie was very loosely based on the popular Guardians of Ga’Hoole children’s book series by Kathryn Lasky. I think that was its main problem–the plot felt rushed and there was no time for any characterization beyond the most basic “here’s the bad guy”, “here’s the hero”, “here’s the comic relief”, and “here’s the love interest in the sequel”. The story follows Soren, a young barn owl, and his ragtag friends who escape from “The Pure Ones” and their attempts to build an owl master race and attempt the perilous journey to warn the “guardian” owls of Ga’hoole. Which is like a tree in the middle of the ocean? I don’t know, then there’s an owl war, Soren defeats the Pure Ones’ magical(?) anti-owl weapon, and may or may not kill his Pure One brother. The end!

The owl warriors wear intricate owl helmets and metal claws over their talons. Owl battle!

The Character: Sam Neill is the voice of Allomere, a great gray owl who lives in Ga’Hoole but is revealed to the audience to be in league with the Pure Ones!!! His traitorous ways will supposedly bring him kingship of Ga’Hoole, but, of course, the Pure Ones are like “we already got a king, bro” and once he leads the Guardians into their magical trap, the Pure Ones send bats to drag him away, presumably eating him alive. Way to go, Sam.

Laaaaaadies

What I Learned: Owls can sense things in their gizzard. Including which way to fly, and the future. From now on I’m going to claim to “feel it in my gizzard” whenever I want to sound mysterious.

What Steven Learned: Just because something is about birds does not mean it will be good

You Should Watch if: you want to see pretty cgi of owls; you find the idea of an owl society as ridic as I do

Previously: Thomas Jefferson, Tennis Dad, and a Somber Narrator
Next: More William Dafoe, and a tiger

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Posted in Sam Neill Marathon |

Spam Report: August 2012

September 4th, 2012 by pladd

Most of the things caught in my spam folder were really repetitive this month, and not even worth reporting on. However, I managed to curate a few gems for you:

On this post about finding my Second Grade Journal:

assurance chien writes:

I agree with you but It would be nice if you cite your sources next time. I think it’s really important. TY.

Thanks for keeping me honest, assurance chien! I thought I could get away with just a picture of the cover of my second grade journal, but I can see you’re a stickler for the truth, so here’s the APA citation for your records: Ladd, P. R. (1995). Second Grade Journal. Unpublished manuscript. Hope that clears things up.

mutuelle animaux pas cher writes:

Thank you for this! It is very detailed but I admit that sometimes it is too technical for me … make a simplified version next time See you read

I’m guessing from your name that maybe English isn’t your first language, which would explain why deciphering my phonetic scrawl is so difficult for you! Don’t worry, my current journals are far more grammatically accurate, although my handwriting has only gotten worse.

gold price writes:

My worst teachers was my 3rd grade teacher Mrs. Hart who saw a classroom bullly literally pick me up and throw me completely over a classroom desk and I got hurt and was crying and she acted like nothing happened! He didnt get in trouble and I was left to cry at my desk and wasn’t checked on.

Woah, intense story, gold price! How could the teacher do nothing when one of her students was being thrown over a desk?? Clearly you graduated from the Elementary School of Hard Knocks.

On my Cosmo’s Bad Advice: Blueberry Yogurt Hair post:
Replica rolex writes:

Thank you for the sensible critique. Me and my neighbor were just preparing to do some research about this. We got a grab a book from our local library but I think I learned more clear from this post. I am very glad to see such great info being shared freely out there.

Thanks, Replica rolex! I’m glad you and your neighbor are both interested in trying to dye your hair red with ingredients from your kitchen. More people should experience the weird feeling of cold yogurt oozing over your head. I’m not surprised your library didn’t have the best information on this topic–they tend to only go for materials that are reputable or factually accurate in some way, and, as I said in the post, I’m just not sure blueberry yogurt is an effective way to do this. Although the authenticity of my results has been called into question by my new friend Shaniqua, who impugns the organicness of my yogurt.

Click here writes:

Hi my family member! I wish to say that this article is amazing, great written and include almost all vital infos. I¡¦d like to look more posts like this .

Thanks, Click here! You’ll have to remind me how we’re related. I didn’t know I had spambots on my family tree!

On the July Spam Report:

funny dog pictures threatens:

Thats a very nice Comment you have there. It would be a shame if something were to happen to it..

I didn’t mean to run afoul of the spambot mafia! Don’t worry, funny dog pictures, patricialadd.com will give you anything you want! Provided what you want is more reviews of Sam Neill movies.

Previously: July 2012 Report
Next: September

Tagged:

Posted in Spam Report |

Spam Report: July 2012

August 3rd, 2012 by pladd

This month has been a pretty great one for Spam!! For the first time in awhile, I got some spam comments from an actual human caught in the filters! Clearly James was just upset that I waste more time responding to spam than I do my actual comments:

On the May spam post TheJamesFox writes:

I can’t get over how hilariously vague the spam form-letter replies are. Who could POSSIBLY think this is going to result in revenue? Like EVER

HELLO FELLOW HUMAN I AM NONSPECIFIC RESPONSE GENERATOR 6000 I FOUND YOUR INTERNET BASED OPINION EDIFICE EXTREMELY ENLIGHTENING FOR I ALSO HAVE OPINIONS ON SUBJECT NOW THAT IT HAS BEEN ESTABLISHED THAT WE SHARE A COMMON INTEREST WOULD YOU LIKE TO PURCHASE SOME VIAGRA

And, because quitters never produce Internet profit:

AM CONSUMED BY AN UNDYING PASSION FOR SECOND THING SO AS YOU CAN SEE WE ARE, AS WE HUMANS LIKE TO SAY BY MODULATING OUR VIBRATING SOUND ORGANS, LIKE TWO EDIBLE PLANT SEEDS IN A BIOLOGICAL VEGETABLE ENCLOSURE MODULE

SINCE WE SO SIMILAR IT IS MAY I SUGGEST THAT YOU WILL ALSO ENJOY FREEONLINEPOKER.COM, FROM WHICH I DERIVE NEUROLOGICAL STIMULUS IN THE PLEASURE RECEPTORS OF MY ORGANIC BRAIN PARTS, AS ANY OTHER NORMAL HUMAN WOULD

It’s funny to me that James’ fake spam posts are actually less imaginative than some of the actual spam I receive. For instance, on that same post, Jane wrote:

what a wonderful world we are living, i still wonder this spell caster how he did it!!!
My mouth is full of testimony, Am Christabel Philips my husband left the home for two years to south Africa for a tourist,he meant a prostitute and he was bewitch be the girl my husband refuse to come back home again, i cry day and night looking for who to help me, i read a news paper about a powerful spell caster called [let me save you from yourself by deleting the contact info that was here–pladd] and i contacted the spell caster to help me get my lover back to me and he ask me not to worry about it that the gods we fight for me.. he told me by mid-night when all the spirit is at rest he will cast a spell to reunite my lover back to me. and he did in less than 3 days my husband came back to me and started crying that i should for forgive him, i,m so happy for what this spell caster did for me and my husband. [okay, so I’m actually censoring the email address so you can’t use Internet magic against me, so what?–pladd] is the best spell caster in the whole wild world.

Wow, Jane! What a dramatic story! I had no idea emailing your credit card info to a sketchy gmail account could bring such quick results! But is it really so easy to forgive your husband after he left you for a tourist/prostitute in South Africa? Are you sure he wasn’t just “bewitched” by her in the same way that Luscious Malfoy was “totally under the Imperius Curse, you guys”? As in, not really at all? Sometimes guys make excuses because they want to cheat on you or kill all muggles, and we can’t let them get away with it by slut shaming some poor working girl or an evil wizard when we all know who’s at fault. Don’t let him shift the blame!

Also, yeah, whenever I read Harry Potter I call Malfoy’s dad “Luscious”. Jason Isaacs totally looks like he should be in a shampoo commercial, it works.

soehnle küchenwaage retro writes about this Sam Neill post:

Hi, Neat post. There’s a problem with your website in internet explorer, may test this? IE nonetheless is the marketplace chief and a huge portion of other folks will omit your magnificent writing because of this problem.

I am strangely okay with losing “a huge portion of other folks” if they all use Internet Explorer. I guess if there actually is a problem with my site in IE I would actually never know because neither Steven nor I (nor any of my real readers? I don’t know, just a hunch based on the fact that I respect them) ever use it, but I have a feeling soehnle kuchenwaage retro is just being cheeky.

Cheap email marketing commented on the same post with slightly better news:

Greetings from Australia. You helped me with my university assignment. Thank so much.

It actually doesn’t surprise me that a university in Australia would have you do assignments about Sam Neill. I assume it’s just that and how to fight cane toads, right?

My bronycon coverage garnered an enthusiastic (if confused) response from spam bots! Khaerani writes about Bronycon costumes:

Wow! I just came across your page on faebocok, I am a state above (KY!) and your work is . amazing to say the least! How, may I ask, do you achieve such perfection and sharpness in the eyes and face? Is it the lens? Aperature? Editing??? I have strived for those kind of eyes, and any tips would be GREATLY appreciated~!

Khaerani is not only confused about geography (Kentucky is not above North Carolina), but also reality. The only pictures with eyes in the post it commented on are drawings of cartoon ponies. That perfection and sharpness is from animation, Khaerani. My only tip is to check a How To Draw Anime and Manga book out from the library.

Some other spambots had me confused with someone else (namely a photographer). Rama writes:

LORA!!!!!! I seriously cried when I saw these imegas! You know what that means?!?!?!? That means that you captured all the emotion from the day. It means that you looked for moments that mattered when no one else was. It means that YOU ROCKED that wedding!!!! I am so flippin’ proud of you!!!!! Love ya girl!

I feel like these messages are maybe coming from an alternate Internet dimension where www.patricialadd.com is owned by a photographer named Lora. Is that this other dimension’s version of me? There’s no way to be sure. Somewhere I hope Lora is checking her comments, really confused about why no one cares about her wedding pictures and why everyone’s complaining about how much she talks about Sam Neill and her sewing machine.

Alternate Dimension Commenter Parikshit writes:

Lora, Your email made me cry this morning. It was so iniredcbly inspiring and heartfelt. Thank you for writing me, you have no idea how much you blessed me. I clicked on your blog, and my jaw dropped. Your work is BEAUTIFUL. My heart is full just thinking about the fact that you are giving your creative gift to the world, and in turn it is giving people life. The world is so much fuller and richer with you sharing your creative eye. I can’t imagine how much your clients love to see themselves through your eye. We would love to have you featured on the blog. Either me or Genie will send you an email on what we need, but THANK YOU for sharing your beautiful story. It made my day.Much love and respect, Me Ra

Another opportunity Alternate Dimension Photographer Me will miss out on because an Internet Space Time rift has funneled the comments here! I assume she is reading Sam Neill’s praise for my reviews as we speak.

Rachel writes:

And – I think the nekkid lady elaevted it – yes, it is kind of a “yikes” design, but at least they put a nekkid lady with an exploding flower head on it. I can respect that.

Again, I have no idea what alternate dimensional post Rachel is looking at, but it sounds way more exciting than anything I’ve put up in the past month. I’ll work on getting a naked nekkid lady with an exploding flower head for August.

Ilesanmi was kind of confused about freezer paper stenciling and wrote:

I haven’t done freezer cooknig in awhile, but I need to get back to it. One of my favorite things is having ground beef (or venison, etc.) already browned and frozen so that it’s easy to add to a casserole, soup or other dish.I hadn’t thought of freezing chocolate butterhorns, but they would be great to have on hand as a quick snack (or even breakfast!)

See, James? Not all spam is meaningless shouting into the void with some attached links! Sometimes they give cooking advice!

Santosh is craftier than any spambot James could imagine:

Those comments were from me, Josh those weren’t spam. I rellay thought you might be interested in well, I can’t say it or your word censoring will catch it and automatically delete it.I’m glad you found something that works for you, Josh. Speaking of working for you how would you like to make more money in just five easy steps?

A spambot that insists it’s not spam?? And also that my name is Josh? What brilliant strategy will they think of next?

Turns out, just more stories about skunks.

Silver account writes:

While out on a “romantic walk” with my husband last night, a skunk decided to run in our path towards the water. My husband, being the inquisitive individual that he is, JUST had to take a better look at the skunk. BAD IDEA.

Your husband sounds a little clueless, Silver account, but then, he is married to a spambot, so what do you expect?

Previously: June Spam Report

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Posted in Spam Report |

Sam Neill Update: Thomas Jefferson, Tennis Dad, and a Somber Narrator

July 20th, 2012 by pladd

I can’t find my camera to take pictures of my new apartment, so you get some Sam Neill instead!!! I realized today that I screwed up my own spreadsheet awhile ago when updating it, so the figures I’ve been giving you the past few updates have been wrong. I’m actually only 85% done with this project. Don’t even pretend to be disappointed, I know you’re super psyched that you still get to read all about Sam Neill. Also, I watched all of these before the move, so it’s been awhile and I can’t remember all of the hilarious details. If there were any hilarious details. These were all kind of depressing, in different ways.

Sally Hemings: An American Scandal (2000 TV movie)

Steven was so excited to see Sam Neill play Thomas Jefferson, he went so far as to lift his “You’ve burned me once too often, Sam” ban on helping me with this project.

You’d think he’d look a little more enthused, right?

The Movie: Sally Hemings is a teenage slave when her relationship with Thomas Jefferson begins, when she accompanies his daughter to join him when he’s ambassador to France. TJ realizes she’s smart (and hot) so he takes an interest in her education, leading to a life-spanning love affair that causes major drama, both within the Jefferson family (thanks, bitchy daughters) and on the political stage of the country at large. Sally is apparently the half-sister of Jefferson’s dead wife, and most of the children she has with him look white but are still slaves, leading to awkward questions and misunderstandings. At Jefferson’s death at the end, Sally reveals to Bitchy Daughter Number 1 that she has been free this whole time and she’ll do what she wants now, thanks. Go girl.

Yeah, that wig is doing nothing for you, Sam

The Character: Steven says Sam Neill is good, but just isn’t “his” Thomas Jefferson.

I assume he’d prefer this one

I thought he did an okay job, especially at selling the dichotomy between Jefferson’s personal feelings for Sally and his public actions in regards to slavery. He was kind of overshadowed by how awesome Carmen Ejogo was as Sally, which was probably what the film was going for anyway. Sally is not going to take shit from you, even if you are the president, and you are just going to have to deal with that. Okay, so I may have girl powered out a little while watching this.

What I Learned: James T. Callender was super mad when Thomas Jefferson wouldn’t appoint him postmaster general. I had no idea postmaster general was such a coveted position. I guess, hey, all the stamps you want.

You should watch this if: You like really long historical pieces and/or Thomas Jefferson

Wimbledon (2004)

Kirsten Dunst, laughing at the direction her career has taken

The Movie: Peter Colt is a tennis player, but not a great one. He’s played by the same guy who was that creepy, self-flagellating priest in The Da Vinci Code, so that was also distracting. Anyway, it’s his last year at Wimbledon, and he meets and falls in lust with up-and-coming tennis star Kirsten Dunst. They have a love affair, which seems to be really helping Peter’s game, but really hurting hers. Of course they have the obligatory argument about whether he loves tennis more than her, he declares his love on national TV, and he wins Wimbledon and the girl as per the prescribed formula for these movies. I told you this week was depressing.

Sam Neill, trying to be reasonable in the face of all this cliche

The Character: Obvs Sam Neill plays her controlling, disapproving father! He’s so good at that, after all. He’s also her tennis coach, and you can’t really get mad at him because he does have a point. Flirting and spending all her time with Peter is hurting her game. I guess, like all dads, he just doesn’t understand that TRUE LOVE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN TENNIS OMG.

What I Learned: Professional tennis players are all self-centered, superstitious jerks.

You should watch if: you like formulaic romantic comedies; your dad keeps getting in the way of your relationship

Gallipoli (2005)
Not to be confused with the 1981 Mel Gibson movie of the same name.

I’d probably still take this over more Wimbledon

The Movie: Much like SuperCroc, this was a documentary that Sam Neill narrated. Unlike Supercroc, I was less interested in the subject matter, but Sam Neill’s co-narrator was Jeremy Irons so I was okay with it.

Feel free to tell me everything you know about WWI, preferably in song form

I really wish Sam Neill would start narrating audio books, because he would be way good at it. Every time I can’t finish an audio book because the narrator’s voice is too annoying, I hope that someday, when he’s too old to play disapproving dads, Sam Neill will make this dream a reality. All you have to do is watch one of his documentaries to see how awesome this would be!!

What I Learned: I actually knew something about this campaign from the Louis de Bernieres book, Birds Without Wings, but that account is so lyrical and personal, it was interesting to find out what really happened in the big picture.

You should watch if: you like looking at black-and-white historical photos; being sad about humanity

Previously: Losing My Mind Edition
Next: Playing Both Sides Edition

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Posted in Sam Neill Marathon |

Spam Report: June 2012

July 6th, 2012 by pladd

It’s the end of another month, and you know what that means! Time to clean out my spam folder!!

As always, last month’s spam post garnered lots of comments–spambots are clearly starved for a little attention in this harsh Internet world where cruel fate has dictated that only actual people are worthy of response.

Tab 5 kg writes:

Web logs such as this one you can read all night as well as your information are correct and well crafted, we do hope you could keep updating the blog for all of us individuals who likes to follow the planet through the internet, let us all know if we might help or even donate some thing to keep this website heading!

Thanks for your generosity, Tab 5 Kg! The only thing you can donate is your kind comment! If I ever want to make money off the Internet, I feel I now have sufficient knowledge of how spam works to do it on my own.

Protein Purification writes:

What did you think of the avengers?

I loved it, Protein Purification! I went in with extremely low expectations because, hey, another super hero movie, but then it was funny and clever and exciting! Thanks for asking!

Regim Hotelier Cluj writes:

This is really interesting, You are a very skilled blogger. I have joined your feed and look forward to seeking more of your wonderful post. Also, I’ve shared your web site in my social networks!

Is there a social network where spambots congregate? Is that how you all heard about me? My friend Caitlin is feeling left out, can you post her blog on SpamBook too?

G4PH5OUD said of Sam Neill Update: Sub Captain:

I want a lifesize one!

I too would like a cardboard cut out of Sam Neill, G4PH5OUD. If my experiences with my mom’s life-size cutout of Aragorn are accurate, he would scare me every time I came downstairs in the dark and wear a series of funny hats on special occasions. On normal days, he’d watch me cook and I’d tease him about Merlin II, it would be great. I’m sure the moment such a product comes on the market, I will be the first (and only?) person contacted! As long as its not the Event Horizon version, anyway.

Finding wife left a lengthy comment on Sam Neill Update: Dad Edition:

I had a wild skunk who lived in my house for about five years. He/she would come in the back porch cat door after a night of fooding. It would go behind the washing machine thread a way through an unfinished wall and into the water heater closet that opened into the bathroom. I would open the door each morning and say good morning, it would wake up and look at me. It would sleep most of the day there with no trouble.

Good story, Finding Wife! Your relationship with your skunk friend sounds heart warming and symbiotic. The skunk got a place to sleep “after a night of fooding”, and you got an adorable, if volatile companion, probably the first contact from the outside world you’d received in some years.

Sam Neill: Losing My Mind Edition also grabbed some readers’ interest (I’m telling you, spambots love their Sam Neill movies):

Tutus writes:

Hello there! This is my first visit to your blog! We are a group of volunteers and starting a new initiative in a community in the same niche. Your blog provided us valuable information to work on. You have done a extraordinary job!

Thanks, Tutus! I agree that watching and sarcastically commenting on all Sam Neill movies would be much easier with a group of volunteers and an entire community behind me! Sometimes I get so tired of linking to Merlin II or showing this picture of Choppy McAxeFace:

J/k it never gets old

Click here writes:

Can I just say what a aid to search out somebody who really is aware of what theyre talking about on the internet. You definitely know easy methods to bring an issue to mild and make it important. Extra individuals must learn this and understand this side of the story. I cant consider youre not more fashionable since you definitely have the gift.

Click Here, I know you mean well, but this is kind of a backhanded compliment. What do you mean, “I cant consider youre not more fashionable”? I am HELLA fashionable, Click Here, have you seen my new hat?

Well, some people have. private museum tours in st.petersburg had this to say about it:

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Don’t worry, private museum tours in st.petersburg. The gloriousness of my new hat makes me incomprehensible sometimes too.

Previously: Spam Report, May 2012

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Posted in Spam Report |

VIQVI: Real People Edition

June 26th, 2012 by pladd

I know, usually the vast majority of Vitally Important Questions of Vital Importance that I receive are from my many adoring spambot fans, but lately I’ve gotten a few questions from real people!! Exciting!!

Caitlin M. writes about my last spam post:

How come you get so much spam? I don’t have any. Should I be jealous?

I think one of the main reasons for your lack of spam is that your blog has exciting Captcha technology, while commenting on mine just requires that you type in a (not even necessarily legit) email address. Captcha is designed to keep out just such spam traffic as I am obviously enjoying! Blogger probably sees this as a good design feature–you don’t have to spend time managing your spam folder!–but you are clearly missing out on some vague and misspelled compliments and non sequiturs about handbags.

Also, spambots are apparently way more interested in sarcastic reviews of Sam Neill movies than beautiful pictures of gardens and insightful word-snapshots of life. You just have to provide the content your target audience desires, and if you want to shift your target demographic from thoughtful friends and family to advertising robots, then you’re going to have to buckle down and watch Merlin II like I did. It won’t be easy, but it’s the only way.

Brian R. writes about Ten Years of Journals:

Wonder what a chart of worries over time would look like.

Wish granted:

Look at the sharp decrease in worrying about school right after high school! lol IB and your stress-stomachaches

Rachel K. writes:

I can haz blog post about the crazy new pony hair I saw on facebook?

She’s talking about this:

The blue and purple are maybe too dark to see in this shot

And I WISH I could write a blog post just about this, but ever since he got back from Aveda, Steven has just been working! Like he thinks his job is more important than rainbow hair! What a loser! Anyway, now it’s getting dark, but he promises there will be an amazing rainbow photoshoot tomorrow!

Not to mention pictures of the amazing costumes I am making for this weekend!! You haven’t even seen my new hat yet! I’m not going to say it’s more exciting than rainbow hair, but it’s probably at least 80% as exciting.

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Posted in Advice |

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