I know, usually the vast majority of Vitally Important Questions of Vital Importance that I receive are from my many adoring spambot fans, but lately I’ve gotten a few questions from real people!! Exciting!!
How come you get so much spam? I don’t have any. Should I be jealous?
I think one of the main reasons for your lack of spam is that your blog has exciting Captcha technology, while commenting on mine just requires that you type in a (not even necessarily legit) email address. Captcha is designed to keep out just such spam traffic as I am obviously enjoying! Blogger probably sees this as a good design feature–you don’t have to spend time managing your spam folder!–but you are clearly missing out on some vague and misspelled compliments and non sequiturs about handbags.
Also, spambots are apparently way more interested in sarcastic reviews of Sam Neill movies than beautiful pictures of gardens and insightful word-snapshots of life. You just have to provide the content your target audience desires, and if you want to shift your target demographic from thoughtful friends and family to advertising robots, then you’re going to have to buckle down and watch Merlin II like I did. It won’t be easy, but it’s the only way.
Wonder what a chart of worries over time would look like.
Wish granted:
Look at the sharp decrease in worrying about school right after high school! lol IB and your stress-stomachaches
Rachel K. writes:
I can haz blog post about the crazy new pony hair I saw on facebook?
She’s talking about this:
The blue and purple are maybe too dark to see in this shot
And I WISH I could write a blog post just about this, but ever since he got back from Aveda, Steven has just been working! Like he thinks his job is more important than rainbow hair! What a loser! Anyway, now it’s getting dark, but he promises there will be an amazing rainbow photoshoot tomorrow!
Not to mention pictures of the amazing costumes I am making for this weekend!! You haven’t even seen my new hat yet! I’m not going to say it’s more exciting than rainbow hair, but it’s probably at least 80% as exciting.
It’s been a little more than a month since Vitally Important Questions of Vital Importance responded to my ever-increasing spam folder. Sorry to keep you waiting, spambots!
Yesterday, while I was at work, my sister stole my apple ipad and tested to see if it can survive a 40 foot drop, just so she can be a youtube sensation. My iPad is now destroyed and she has 83 views. I know this is totally off topic but I had to share it with someone!
Don’t worry, Spirit Animal! There’s no rule that says you have to stay on topic in the comments, particularly when you have a great electronics-destroying story to tell. I think my favorite part of your comment is that you include that your sister now has “83 views”. That’s less than my cousin’s homemade youtube news program about NASCAR, so I don’t think she can qualify as a “youtube sensation” yet. Maybe, like my cousin, she should try to involve an animal in her act.
Free Viagra writes:
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I know my posts about Sam Neill really pull at the heartstrings, Free Viagra. I don’t know what “pursuits” they’re helping you attain, but I assume you mean pretending you’ve seen many Sam Neill movies to explain why you were caught trespassing on his vineyard. Glad to help you and your mates!
Stefan Santarpia writes:
I just now wanted to thank you once more for your amazing website you have created here. It is full of ideas for those who are seriously interested in that subject, especially this very post. Your all so sweet plus thoughtful of others and reading your site posts is an excellent delight to me. And thats a generous surprise! Ben and I will certainly have pleasure making use of your tips in what we need to do in the near future. Our collection of ideas is a distance long and simply put tips is going to be put to very good use.
Again, SteFan Santarpia, I haven’t previously thought of my Sam Neill posts as “useful” or full of “tips”, so I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s a secret cadre of Sam Neill-obsessed stalkers who I am somehow aiding and abetting with my far more passive obsession with him. Either that, or you’re really into funny hats.
cancer scammer writes:
i don’t like your blog, it gave me cancer
Well, I’m glad it’s not all vague and seemingly unrelated praise! Although I’m sorry to hear about your condition, Cancer Scammer! I was previously unaware that sarcastic posts about Sam Neill in hats could cause cancer, but I guess that shows what I know! The cadre of Sam Neill-stalkers and I are rooting for you!
of course like your web site but you have to check the spelling on quite a few of your posts. Many of them are rife with spelling issues and I find it very troublesome to tell the truth nevertheless I will definitely come back again.
I’m sorry to hear that, does he love me. I completely understand how poor spelling and grammar can be really distracting! I guess I will try harder in the future to get my posts up to Spam Standards of English.
Impressive site. Plenty of helpful information here. I’m sending it for some friends ans in addition sharing throughout delicious. And positively, thank you in your sweat!
You’re welcome, True Religion Jeans, although I don’t sweat much while watching and writing up Sam Neill movies! I know, I make it look like such hard work, but once you’ve watched 106 hours of them like I have, you can generally sit through at least one without having to stop for a sports drink to replenish electrolytes.
Leigh Pickman writes:
I will pray. Gladly. Good to know there is a fellow NRA type gal who also loves Christ and good handbags.
Thanks for your prayers, Leigh! However, just because I have now watched A Hunt for Red October does not make me an “NRA type gal”. I can see why the confusion! After all, normally those two go together like Christ and good handbags! Sorry for the mixup.
Finally, I had SO MUCH spam correspondence about my first post responding to spam! It’s obvious that those spambots really appreciated that someone was finally taking the time to address their concerns:
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Spambots: the most misunderstood of all Internet goblins! See, you guys? If we just take the time to understand them and respond to their needs, they’ll show their gratitude in the only way they know how: vague and grammatically problematic blog comments. You’re welcome, guys!
Crystal Ball writes:
why are my comments not showing?
I’m sorry, Crystal! My blog settings are so prejudiced against spam! Don’t worry, we’ll always have VIQVI!
This week on Vitally Important Questions of Vital Importance, I’ve decided to look to the only comments folder that’s consistently full on my blog, the one reserved for spam. Or what my blog thinks is spam. Oh, sure, some of these are just lists of links trying to sell me pirated software or SEO packages or whatever, but others seem to be genuinely reaching out to me. I’m sorry you got filtered into my spam folder, sincere if confused commenters! So I will spend this entry trying to answer your queries personally in any way I can.
Easy Content Services writes:
Hello Website Owner! I found your blog on Google and I really like it. My team provides professional article writing, and we are able to do it for $0.01 per word – that’s $5 for a 500 word article. All of our writers are based in the United States, and all of our articles passes the Copyscape test. If you are interested in using our service, or simply want to give us a try, please check out website out
Hello, Easy Content Services! It sounds like you have a completely legitimate operation going on here, but I’m not convinced your team will be able to watch Sam Neill movies with the dedication and care I require, so I will be respectfully declining your offer.
What is castor oil made from writes:
I really enjoy this template youve got going on on your site. What is the name of the theme by the way? I was thinking of using this style for the web site I am going to make for my school project.
Thanks, What is castor oil made from! I’m glad you like it! It’s called “Steven Wiggins is long suffering”.
Lady Bussone writes:
Hi there, every time i used to check website posts here in the early hours in the daylight, because i enjoy to find out more and more.
Wow! I’m so honored that a member of the landed gentry is reading my blog! I’m not surprised you can only find the time to do it in the early hours of daylight; you’re probably super busy waving from carriages and keeping peasant revolts down.
My spouse and I absolutely love your blog and find a lot of your post’s to be just what I’m looking for. can you offer guest writers to write content to suit your needs? I wouldn’t mind writing a post or elaborating on many of the subjects you write regarding here. Again, awesome weblog!
I’m so glad both you and your spouse are so interested in tween fiction! I guess if you wanted to both review a tween version of The Poetic Edda or something I would be okay with that! Send it to me when you’re done!
I have been surfing on-line greater than three hours lately, but I by no means discovered any interesting article like yours. It is pretty value sufficient for me. Personally, if all website owners and bloggers made good content as you probably did, the web will likely be much more helpful than ever before.
I know what you mean, Tasha! It seems like most of the rest of the Internet is completely ignoring Sam Neill for some reason! I’m glad you found my review helpful, I assume in impressing people at parties with your vast knowledge of different Sam Neill movies.
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You’re right, Devis! Why are individuals not talking more about My Little Pony embroidery or rugs or cakes that clarify that you are in fact da man?? What has our society come to??
17 Knicks writes:
Today, I went to the beachfront with my children. I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She put the shell to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is entirely off topic but I had to tell someone!
Wow, 17 Knicks! I can see why you wanted to share with someone! I too often find my guilt eating away at me Lady Macbeth style until I’m forced to come clean, even just to a stranger on a blog post about the Rice Annual Fund. You knew that shell had a hermit crab in it, didn’t you? I mean, they’re pretty heavy and obvious–you were clearly hoping it would attack your daughter, maybe subconsciously. That’s not the answer to your crushing loneliness and frustration with life as a stay at home mom, 17 Knicks. I hope that you will seek the help you need.
I do like the way you have framed this challenge and it really does supply us a lot of fodder for thought. Nonetheless, because of just what I have observed, I basically hope as other commentary pile on that people today continue to be on point and in no way get started upon a soap box of some other news du jour. Yet, thank you for this exceptional piece and although I do not concur with it in totality, I respect your point of view.
Thanks for being respectful even if we don’t agree, Arvilla! It’s okay if you actually liked Alcatraz and weren’t as excited to see Moaning Myrtle in a different context. I too am so annoyed when people use my blog just to comment on the news du jour! This is NOT what the Sam Neill marathon is about, you guys! I’m looking at you, 17 Knicks! Arvilla doesn’t want some soap box in the comments either, maybe about the original Doctor Zhivago, BRIAN. Arvilla is calling you out.
had to cry over that blog post it was of superior quality. who could ask for anything more?
I guess it was only a matter of time before one of my Sam Neill updates made someone cry over how great they are. I always just assumed it would be Sam Neill himself, but there’s still time for that. Thanks for the tears, Dovie!
I can’t believe I’ve been basically ignoring my spam folder for so long! Clearly it is just full of compliments!! I feel great! Thanks, Spam!
My next question comes to me from Roque S. of The White House. Roque writes:
Is every meal you eat in North Carolina in the form of a cupcake?
This is what I had for lunch yesterday.
So, yes.
Sydney Greenstreet of Topeka writes:
Now that Netflix is dividing into two, how will the Sam Neill Netflix Marathon proceed??
NEVER FEAR, Sydney, the Sam Neill Netflix marathon will persevere through ANY obstacle! Neither snow nor wind nor silly name changes will stay me in my quest to gently mock every Sam Neill movie in existence on Netflix/Qwikster/whatever. Also, that’s not even happening anymore, so we’re fine. Check back later today for another exciting update!
And lastly we have two questions from “Lonely in Carrboro” who writes:
So, there’s this girl… and I see her downstairs sometimes. How do I tell if she likes me? Second question is the same, substituting puppy for girl.
The only sure way of discovering if a girl likes you or not is passing her a note saying “Do you like me? Circle one: Yes No Maybe”. Thousands of years of evolution have perfected our human courtship ritual into this single efficient and wondrous act. Unfortunately, puppies can’t read, so for that you are just going to have to take a shower in bacon.
It’s been brought to my attention that I am an expert in some things (zombies, Sam Neill movies) and also know a little bit about a lot of other things (sewing, Daylight Saving Time). Plus, I am totally willing to tell other people what to do! These qualities all qualify me to answer questions in my very own advice column! You don’t have to deny your secret longings anymore; I know you’ve all been waiting for this day!
My first question comes from Brian R. of Texas. Brian writes:
If there were zombie sheep, or hypothetically any zombie animal species, would they only lust after the brains of members of the same species? This is important e.g. if a certain jobless young man has dreams of someday moving to New Zealand but wants assurance that if the extremely large sheep population there were to suddenly all become zombies, he would not be at risk. Thanks!
Zombie animals are a hotly debated topic amongst those of us who may or may not frequent zombie preparedness forums. Max Brooks, my personal favorite zombie expert, calls shenanigans on this in no uncertain terms:
Brooks, M. (2003). The zombie survival guide: Complete protection from the living dead. New York: Three Rivers Press, pg 4.
Yeah, my copy of Zombie Survival Guide is highlighted in parts, but you don’t hear me lecturing you about your lack of preparedness, so…
In World War Z zombies will consume animals if no humans are available, but in the remake of Dawn of the Deadthey won’t even do that: the zombies completely ignore a dog winding its way through their horde. The Resident Evil series is on the other side of this debate, where the virus in question manages to mutate and infect dogs and birds. However, the Resident Evil series also includes random telepathy and this:
Don't even get me started on the ridiculousness of Mila's outfit
The virus in Resident Evil can apparently not only infect humans and animals, but also somehow manages to kill all plants and water on the planet. So I tend to pretty much ignore the whole thing as a fever dream and not a good source for zombie knowledge. Another movie reference that I think is relevant, particularly when discussing sheep and New Zealand is this masterpiece:
There are 40 million sheep in New Zealand... and they are pissed off!
The sheep are infected with a virus that makes them crave human flesh, and bitten humans will become sheep-men creatures, which pretty much describes a sheep version of the zombie virus jumping species. However, like in most zombie movies, the main people to be punished are hippies and evil scientists, so unless those are the jobs you’re applying for in New Zealand, I would say you’re probably safe. I don’t really buy zombie animals as a thing.
HOWEVER
Science does. I know it’s not as fun to turn to science for answers as it is B-movies and books erroneously shelved in the humor section, but there are a lot of species of insect that can be controlled by parasites. Even some forms of crab and maybe even humans? Okay, the human one is not even a huge deal, the parasite may by more likely to make men angry and women outgoing–the scientists might be confusing the parasite with alcohol. And even in many of the animals the controlling parasite doesn’t often KILL its host until the very end. There’s not really any reanimating going on here, so I would deem it zombie-like at best.
So, Brian from Texas, the short answer is, you’re safe unless you buy Resident Evil as a valid source of information. Or until the zombie virus mutates horribly!
