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Kick Ass Women: Literary Characters Edition

July 19th, 2011 by pladd

To continue my current project of praising some kick ass women that helped influence Middle School Patricia for the better, here is a list of kick ass women characters from books I remember reading and enjoying! Middle School Patricia read a lot–probably way too much, looking back–so literary characters definitely had way more influence on her than they probably should have.

Elizabeth, the Paper Bag Princess

As seen in the book of the same name by Robert Munsch


Peggy Orenstein of Cinderella Ate My Daughter fame actually mentions this picture book when she’s trying to find more female-empowering fairy tales to read to her daughter. Unfortunately, she doesn’t like this story very much either, because she says the message seems to be that princesses can’t be strong women AND find love. They have to choose one or the other. Personally, I don’t think that is really the point of the book at all. Here is a plot rundown in case your childhood was deprived:

A dragon wrecks Princess Elizabeth’s castle and carries off the prince she was going to marry! Rather than sit around feeling sorry for herself or waiting for someone to rescue her, she puts on the only thing she can find–a paper bag–and sets off after the dragon to rescue her prince herself. She tricks the dragon into wearing himself out and falling fast asleep, and then heads on into his lair to find worthless Prince Ronald. Prince Ronald is appalled by her gross singed hair and terrible choice of clothing and tells her to come back when she looks like a “real” princess. Elizabeth tells Ronald that even though he may look like a prince, he is really just “a bum” and runs off into the sunset.

Whatever, Ronald, like you're NOT dressed like a tool?

So, Peggy is right: Princess Elizabeth doesn’t get married at the end. Which I think is awesome! I hate how stories always end with the female protagonist getting married, as if that is the pinnacle of a woman’s existence and nothing of note will ever happen to her again. I also don’t see this ending as saying “all men suck and Elizabeth can never get married because she is too strong a lady”. Elizabeth won’t marry Ronald, which is totally the right choice and I don’t think anyone would argue otherwise. For all we know, she is running off into the sunset to find an awesome guy who doesn’t care about her appearance and would not act like such a prat when she just went to the trouble of rescuing him! The moral is not that strong women can’t find husbands; it’s that appearances don’t matter, and you shouldn’t waste your time with people who think they do! Elizabeth is amazing no matter what she is wearing, even if it is just a paper bag, and Ronald is a total jerk even though he is always dressed in the medieval fantasy version of Aeropastale. Secondarily, Elizabeth doesn’t “have” to get married at the end of her story just because she’s a princess or a woman. I wish more stories for girls ended without them finding love, because having it happen in pretty much every book creates too much pressure and unrealistic expectations.

Some people have thought it seemed like a weird choice for me to dress as for my wedding, what with it being kind of the opposite of a love story. And, yeah, it’s not going to work out for Elizabeth and Ronald, but I think this story can still teach us a lot about love: how important it is to love yourself, to find someone who can love you no matter the clothes or hair or other superficial things, and not to ever settle with someone who is less than perfect just because it’s the end of the story and you feel like that means you have to get married. Luckily, I have taken all those lessons to heart, which is why I’m marrying Steven Wiggins, not Prince Ronald.

I mean, is this the face of a man that cares about appearances? Not enough to untag himself on facebook, apparently


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5 Things I Got From My Mom… That I Couldn’t Be Happier About

July 12th, 2011 by pladd

Naturally I have to start my week of Kick Ass Women with my mom! It’s hard for girls not to be super influenced by their moms, so I’m lucky mine is such a great role model. Feeling like you’re becoming your mother seems to be a pretty common concept for women, at least in movies, books, and newspaper comics, and it is usually met with dread and annoyance. Personally, I am pretty excited about it since it means turning even more awesome! Here are 5 Things about me that I can already recognize are part of this process, and I am totally stoked about all of them:

1. The Drive to Find Something You Love, and Do It No Matter What

If you know my mom, you know she’s a math teacher. It’s impossible to not know this about her, it’s so much a part of who she is. It is kind of ridiculous how much extra time outside of school she spends preparing, grading, and communicating with parents and students. In one of the education classes I had to take in grad school the prof was telling us about how most teachers suck because they don’t communicate with parents. She finally admitted that some teachers will try to contact a parent if the student is doing poorly, but “have you ever heard of a teacher who contacts a parent with positive reinforcement?” I get that she was trying to make a point, but I still raised my hand and said, “Yes, I lived with her for 18 years and the rest of y’all really need to catch up.” Okay, maybe not that last part.

My mom, outside her classroom!

Because I grew up with this, I didn’t really think it was weird that she went in hours early and stayed hours late to help students before and after school, or spent entire evenings calling parents, or made breakfast for her classes before the big AP test. That’s just what you do when you have a job, right?

Well, in the real world, it turns out not really. This study found that only 20% of people are very passionate about their jobs, and that was back in 2005. The same year, coincidentally, that I got my first job and poured about 50-60 hours a week into making the library the best place ever. Sure, it’s not the most glamorous or well-paying job ever, but I love it, and I don’t mind pouring more time and energy into it than anything else in my life because I know it’s worth it. Just like to my mom teaching is worth it. Perhaps the most important lesson she taught me through her own kick ass example is to love what you do, and do whatever it takes to do what you love. Because in the end, happiness is more important than money or fame or any of the other things I might be hoarding if I weren’t so into librarianing.

Not as important as loving your job... but both would be nice

2. A Healthy Attitude About Beauty

This had to be on the list since a preoccupation with beauty standards is something it’s almost impossible to escape as a girl in our society. I’m not saying I was totally immune–I suffered through middle school just like everyone else, thanks–but it definitely could have been a lot worse if I was also feeling subconscious pressure from my mom. It’s not like it would have been her fault, but you internalize so much at that age she couldn’t have helped it. If I’d grown up seeing my mom plaster her face with thick coats of makeup every day before daring to show her face outside or spending hours “fixing” her hair I’m sure I too would have assumed I needed all that, just to be presentable. Instead, she never really worried about it.

"The only thing I'm worried about is why you are still taking pictures when it is summer in Houston and I am dying of heat stroke, DAD"

Pretty much every potential fashion/beauty discussion I ever had with my mom growing up centered around the question “Are you comfortable?”, from which shoes to buy to how to deal with my hair. It’s not that we don’t want to look nice, but that will always be a secondary concern to things like “Can I walk?” and “Am I melting because we live in Florida?” Seeing the money and effort and worry people expend on beauty in the real world, I’m glad I never learned to stress about it too much.
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June Book List

July 1st, 2011 by pladd

The Best Book I Read This Month


Poplorica: A Popular History of the Fads, Mavericks, Inventions, and Lore that Shaped Modern America by Martin J. Smith
My favorite non-fiction books are often ones that follow the history of something really random, like marriage customs or friendship or hats. This book was my favorite of this month because each chapter was a little mini-historical expose on something small but interesting! There were chapters on diapers, front lawns, dieting, product placement, and, my personal favorite, TV dinners. Did you know the first grocery store to buy TV dinners from the manufacturer did so, not because he was sure about this newfangled convenience food thing, but because he knew women would like to use the empty trays for storing buttons? This book was full of random, fun facts like that, and because each chapter had a different subject there was no time to get bored. A really great book to just read little snippets of when you have time, which was perfect for me this month!

The Worst Book I Read This Month

Okay, this one is a total tie. On the one hand, I think one is actually a lot worse, but at least it was bad in a way I enjoyed reading. That would be:

Daughter of the Blood by Anne Bishop
You probably don’t remember like a million years ago when I noted here that Anna Baron had tipped me one trashy romance novel for doing some last minute revisions to the one act I wrote that year. What I didn’t mention is that it is in fact THREE terrible erotic fantasy novels in one book. That’s 1200 pages of multiple attempted rapes and ridiculous genital jewelry. I have as yet failed in any attempts to read it until James Fox basically forced me to this month. I’m done with the first book and I’ve got to say: it’s so bad it’s pretty hilarious. I’m not even talking about the ridiculous plotting or the way the author claims it’s a matriarchal society but the men still seem to have all the power. I’m talking about the writing and how these people are described, because it is ridic. Every other character has “a voice filled with deep caverns and soft thunder” or “eyes filled with the summer breeze and lightning”. Plus, all of the supposedly attractive love interests have “glittering golden eyes” which can turn to “a hard yellow” when they’re angry. Gold or yellow, doesn’t matter, Anne Bishop: both are creepy and weird. In this first book the main character Mary Sue heroine is 12, which makes absolutely everyone being attracted to her that much creepier. Luckily the main love scene takes place in some kind of mental dreamscape where she is not only an adult, but also a feral unicorn maiden. So, you know, totally not sketchy.

So that book is terrible. But terrible in a way that’s hilarious and I actually enjoy, like Titanic II. This book however:

Twenty Times a Lady by Karyn Bosnak
The main character reads a magazine article about how the average woman has slept with 10 guys, and freaks out because she has slept with 20! Oh no, she’s a total ho! The only thing to do, to avoid going over the limit, is to make it work with one of those 20. So, since she’s just been laid off anyway, she goes on a ridiculous road trip across the country to “casually bump into them”. Of course, her OTL is really her cute Irish next door neighbor who totally helps her out even though she is clearly neurotic (who buys a DOG on a road trip?). If this plot sounds familiar, it’s because they’re turning it into a movie called What’s Your Number?. As bad as that trailer looks, I assure you the movie will still be 34 times better than this book. The book’s main character is stupid, bigoted, and selfish, haphazardly careening through her own life and totally unable to understand those around her. Not that I do either since most of them are ALL ABOUT her, despite her having no redeeming qualities whatsoever. This book actually made me feel insulted pretty much every minute I was reading it. Why do they think this character will appeal to women? “Oh, yes, instead of looking for a new job, I too have blown all of my severance pay to go on an unplanned roadtrip across the country just to check that all the jerks I used to date are still jerks because I’ve set some arbitrary limit for myself. After reading Cosmo.” That’s TOTALLY how women are, you guys. All the while her mother is pressuring her to find a man “because otherwise it means you’re a lesbian”–don’t even get me started on that–with the time limit of her younger sister’s wedding. A younger sister getting married before the older one? Horrors! Here is what I learned about my gender from this book:
1) Men are the single most important things in the entire universe to us. If we lack their approval, we are nothing.
2) Cosmo is the most respected source of information. Not our family and friends, not our own common sense. Cosmo.
3) Who cares about practical concerns? All we care about are our feelings! Our tumultuous, impossible to verbalize feelings!
4) When we tell other women that we’re not jealous or angry, what we really mean is that we are seething with subconscious rage.
5) So a guy cheats on you and makes you unhappy? So what! At least you have a man, without which you will never be complete as a person. So you’d better just stick with him anyway
6) A cool mom is a mom who’s okay with a interracial dating. But not homosexuality?
7) Being mistaken for a lesbian is the gravest insult society can throw at you. And it will happen if you’re not attached to a man at all times, so watch out.
So, yeah, this book, though more main stream than Planet Magic Jewel Dragon Girl, really pissed me off.
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First Sentence Test

June 29th, 2011 by pladd

My friend Brian (the weather witch) recently wrote a blog post about judging a book by its first sentence. This concept intrigued me because it’s not really something I notice. My strategy for deciding if I will like a book or not usually involves reading until I get bored and then deciding if I’m far enough along to warrant finishing anyway. A lot of times I’ll end up slogging through despite boredom (although I do have a separate shelf on my GoodReads account for books I started but couldn’t finish). Most of the time I feel honor bound to finish a book, since so much of what I read is chosen to increase my librarian abilities, not satisfy personal taste. I mean, clearly.

But maybe there IS a kind of first sentence that really draws me in, at least subconsciously, so I decided to look at the first sentences of every book I’ve ever considered my favorite. It turns out, a lot of them started in medias res, or at least just jumping right on into some action without any annoying framing or scene setting. Let me hit you with some examples:

“This time there would be no witnesses.”
Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency by Douglas Adams

I know, if one of your favorite books is by Douglas Adams, it almost has to be Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, and believe me, I am ALL ABOUT manic depressive robots having conversations with sentient mattresses, but Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency has always been closer to my heart. I used to think it was because it combined my love of “Rime of the Ancient Mariner”, time travel, and vindictive horoscope writers, but now I’m thinking maybe it’s all in the first sentence. Hitchhiker’s, after all, begins with some scene setting. Some massively general scene setting:

“Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.”
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

I’m not saying it’s bad, but it doesn’t draw me in as immediately. With the former I immediately want to know 1) what are you doing that you don’t want anyone to see? and 2) what happened LAST time? With the latter I just kind of nod and say “Yep”. Here’s an even more dramatic example:

“So this was how it ended.”
Devilish by Maureen Johnson

How WHAT ended? I thought this book was about teen girls and cupcakes! Although, in retrospect, the title should have clued me in that this book is more serious business. Still:

The Face of the Devil

“There was no doubt about it: there was a fox behind the climbing frame.”
Un Lun Dun by China Mieville

This sentence kind of makes me feel like I’ve just come in at the tail end of an argument that goes “That’s totally a fox, you guys!!!” “No, it can’t be!” “It SO is! Look! Look!” Also, I’m not sure what a climbing frame is, so, again, SUSPENSE until I figure it out. I even used this tactic in my own book, although granted not as dramatically as Adams or Johnson:

“Etheos grumbled something inaudible to himself, but ate the muffin anyway.”
The Knight, the Wizard, and the Lady Pig by Patricia Ladd

I mean, what could possibly be so wrong with a muffin, Etheos? Unless it’s gross or something, and then why are you eating it? Is someone forcing you? Why is your name Etheos? How do you say that, anyway? SO MANY QUESTIONS. Or maybe I just have an affinity for baked goods, whatever.
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May Book List

June 3rd, 2011 by pladd

With Steven


I am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I Want to Be Your Class President by Josh Lieb
It sucks when you’re the head of an international evil conglomerate but you can’t get elected 8th grade class president.


Sons of the Profits by William Spiedel
History of Seattle and the greedy people that built it! Acquired on the road trip, ignored till now.

Fiction


Protector of the Small Series, books 1-4 by Tamora Pierce
Kel, you may have replaced Alanna in my affections, which is no mean feat!

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North Dakota: The Truth Revealed

May 24th, 2011 by pladd

North Dakota is maybe the least loved US state. You know it’s bad when even South Dakota is making fun of you. What’s the deal? Is it, as Canada tries to console you, that they’re all just jealous? That Massachusetts really just wants to ask you to the 8th grade dance and that’s why he’s always saying you’re a fat, worthless patch of nothing? Anyway, come on, who’s NOT fat compared to Massachusetts? Only prissy bitches like Rhode Island, that’s who. Really, North Dakota, I think if people would just take the time to get to know you, they’d realize you’re really a beautiful state with a great personality.

And, okay, maybe your interminable winters are known for the triple threat of frostbite, Seasonal Affective Disorder, and vampires, but we’re all cranky once in awhile, and that shouldn’t stop people from enjoying you in the balmy (if brief) summer months. Like I did last week! I’ve written before about North Dakota Time Travel and North Dakota animals, but this time I decided to concentrate on debunking some of the myths about North Dakota. Unfortunately, Steven wanted his camera for his sister’s graduation or some other thing that is CLEARLY less important than my North Dakota research. Don’t worry, I’ll try to recreate everything for you using the power of my words. And maybe MSPaint.

1. North Dakota Doesn’t Exist

This is something you used to hear a lot in the pre-Internet days, especially if you had Ms. Szabo for 6th grade social studies at Seminole Middle School. Luckily Google Maps has pretty much squashed rumors that there’s just a big empty hole between Minnesota and Montana.

Unless you think Google is ALSO in on the conspiracy

Of course, the currently more popular corollary to this theory is:

2. Well, have you ever MET anyone from North Dakota?

YES. Lots of them. But I realize not everyone can say that. I mean, unless you’ve met my mom too. I decided not to take a picture of everyone I met on this trip to prove this one, even though I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t have minded. Everyone in North Dakota is polite, and usually pretty nice to strangers, maybe from having to band together as a team to survive every winter. Plus, they react with plucky enthusiasm to outsiders, possibly after having to argue their own existence so often. Anyway, I did some research for you on The North Dakota State Data Center and the US Census site to get you some numbers. The population of Bismarck, the state capital I was visiting is about 61,000 as of the 2010 census.

More about why Bismarck is awesome later. The total population of North Dakota is about 672,600:

I included my current state of residence for comparison

Since the total population of the US as of the 2010 census was 308,745,538, about 1 in every 500 people you meet is from North Dakota. Plus, TWO America’s Next Top Model winners have been from North Dakota. I’m not trying to say that everyone from North Dakota is model-hot, just most of them.

3.There’s nothing in North Dakota

Wikipedia does claim that North Dakota is the least visited state. True, it’s not really on the way to anywhere and doesn’t really have any “major tourist attractions”. For me, the giant slide near the Bismarck zoo will always be a “tourist attraction” but there are more legit things to visit. For instance, Theodore Roosevelt National Park! As you know, the only thing TR loved more than shooting things was photographing himself doing it, and North Dakota was an awesome place to do that! You too can see some of the animals that TR loved (and loved to kill) in the National Park named after him!

Like meerkats, but without the singing

Nearby Medora claims to be “North Dakota’s #1 Vacation” and features more old-timey fun with a bunch of cowboys and a ridiculously cheesy musical that’s been shown there since at least 1965.

The International Peace Garden on the border between the US and Canada is also kind of a big deal.

Admit it, you didn't think flowers could grow in North Dakota

This huge garden is the only thing that’s kept the US and Canada from going to war since 1932. Plus, there’s a floral clock! Good job, US Civilian Conservation Corps.

4. Nothing has ever happened in North Dakota

Oh, man, are you wrong! The best thing about Bismarck is that everything is named after either Lewis and Clark, Sakakawea/Sacagawea, or General Custer, three awesome historical figures.


What a great line up of North Dakota awesomeness! I know everyone’s always hating on Custer, but, as North Dakota likes to advertise, he was in perfect health until he left. Plus, both he and Sacagawea were in Night at the Museum 2!

TRUE NORTH DAKOTA HISTORY, YOU GUYS

Lightning Bonus Round

North Dakota’s State Beverage is Milk!
North Dakota has a hymn and a creed!
I bought a North Dakota coloring book that allowed me to do this on the plane:

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24 for 24

May 20th, 2011 by pladd

Tomorrow is my 24th birthday! Today is Steven’s 26th birthday, but who cares about that? If he wanted things to be all about him, he would have his own blog. In case you are still searching for the perfect present (and I assume the entire Internet will get me presents), here is a list of 24 things I like that might help.
 

1. Terrible Movies


You have to be in the right mindset to watch something like Night of 1000 Cats or Stick It! or Titanic II. Luckily, I am always in that mindset.
 

2. Terrible Books

I like to think that I’m a little more discerning about the books I read than the movies I watch, but then I remembered how much I like making fun of things that try to be Twilight. Plus this summer I am going to try to tackle the ridic book Anna Baron gave me in one act payment two years ago: The Black Jewels Trilogy:

Anna Baron knows how to give gifts

 

3. Prehistoric Animals

Like an ostrich, BUT DEADLY

Dinosaurs are cool and all, but I really like all the weird stuff that came after them. I think I have seen all the National Geographic and BBC specials on stuff like this, so if you could just get me an actual leptictidium, that’d be favorite.

4. Art

For the rest of this epic face-off between James Fox and Middle School Patricia click the link in the paragraph below!

I will freely admit to being terrible at most art, but that doesn’t stop me from trying. Whether it’s making up self-involved comics as a birthday present or making a pig mascot of a lemonade tin. I think my decided lack of artistic ability has taught me some great shortcuts that can easily fool people into thinking I’m competent.

Like coloring inside the lines


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April Book List

May 1st, 2011 by pladd

With Steven


House of Many Ways by Diana Wynne Jones
Sequel to Castle in the Air and Howl’s Moving Castle, Charmain, who really just wants to be a librarian, ends up house sitting for a wizard and saving the kingdom from scary, secret-impregnation bug monsters.


Fly By Night by Frances Hardinge
Political intrigue, religious strife, guild wars, spying, conmen, chases, highwaymen, an epic shoot out between floating coffee houses, and one very mean attack-goose.


Museum of Thieves by Lian Tanner
Mixed up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler but with magic!

Fiction


Into the Wild Nerd Yonder by Julie Halpern
Probably my favorite book I read this month! I really just want to be Jessie’s BFF. She sews skirts out of the amazingly ridic fabric at fabric stores (something I have also done), and falls in love with a huge nerd (ditto). Plus, she listens to audio books of my favorite books while she’s doing it! Also, there’s some D&D and cosplay, which of course I would also be ace at. I’m actually pretty bummed that Jessie isn’t real, because we could have an amazing audiobook sewing party some time. I may have to make fun of her for fantasizing about Rupert Grint (he’s like some kind of gnome, Jessie, you can do better), but we would bond over making fun of her poseur-punk friends and my inability to sew a zipper without hurting myself at least once.

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