Archive for the ‘lists’ Category

Last Last Day of Classes!

Actually, this title is not true in any way, since I’m pretty sure library science grad school also has a last day of classes, and BOTH of my seminars have decided to postpone our last class/presentations till Monday for some reason. Yes, I have six hours of class the Monday after classes are supposed to be over. I was okay with this earlier in the semester when my only thoughts were “That means I can postpone procrastinating on that project for another week! Holla!” but now I am less thrilled, mostly because yesterday I had to sit next to nostalgic people going “LAST LAST DAY OF COLLEGE EVER!” while muttering bitterly under my breath about anorexic teenage girls or whatever I’m supposed to be writing about.

Other things of note:
While this weekend is going to mark a flurry of List Completion, as of yesterday we have failed at completing #93 Get Professor Gorry to Throw His iPhone (at us?). I admit, it was a long shot even putting it on the list; he really seems to love it, no matter how irritating we’re being. Sad times.

HOEDOWN THROWDOWN SHOWDOWN. I’m sure I’ll be posting pictures later today or tomorrow of our epic win re: The Hoedown Throwdown Showdown. As stated previously, I thought only Bova and I would show up, but apparently a lot of freshmen have been practicing and Alex Mainor told me at pub Wednesday that “the Hoedown Throwdown has become my religion”. Then he filled any silence afterward with “Boom Clap. Boom de clap de clap…” Inspiring. Julia even told me that she stopped working on her senior thesis to practice it, which is the dedication we need to wipe that self-satisfied smirk off of Miley Cyrus’ face and/or become her BFF. I’m not really sure which is the goal here.

Sorry for the short and disjointedness–I have to go get ready for Dirty Sparkly College Night! This includes putting all of the jewelry that I own on at one time and not wearing shoes. See you at the Hoedown Throwdown!

The Hoedown Throwdown Showdown

So this weekend I was convinced by THE 434 (plus Rob, but I think that’s understood) that my only real goal in life until that moment was to see The Hannah Montana Movie with them. Instead of the predictable, trite mess I was expecting, it was fairly entertaining, mostly because people kept randomly falling down (hilarious!) and many of the bemusing subplots weren’t explained at all, such as the scenes when her older brother is inexplicably working as a zookeeper/alligator wrestler. But, as one of my requirements of movies is that someone be attacked by an ostrich, this made me happy.

As you can glean from the previews, the plot involves Miley Cyrus returning to her grandmother’s house in small town Tennessee to reconnect with her roots, find a hot guy, and rediscover who she truly is inside. Rob kept turning to me and asking, “Is that what Tennessee REALLY looks like?” and I would say “Yes, actually, that’s EXACTLY what Tennessee looks like” in a startled way, because I visited my grandparents every summer as a child in Columbia, Tennessee, which claims to be the Mule Capital of the World. It was only later that I discovered that Miley Cyrus’ fictional small town looked eerily accurate because IT WAS FILMED IN COLUMBIA, TENNESSEE:

The most exciting thing to come out of Columbia since James K. Polk

The most exciting thing to come out of Columbia since James K. Polk

Naturally I began to suspect that I am, in fact, Hannah Montana in disguise.
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The List Doubleheader: #74 Get a Human Leash and #78 Abuse the List Serv

I cannot explain why some things are on The List of things we have to do before graduating. Don’t get me wrong, I totally see the merit in things like #32 Tie Everyone Together or #72 At One Dinner Pretend We’re All Pregnant. Even #78 Abuse the List Serv makes complete sense and sounds like a good time. But I have no idea about #74 Get a Human Leash. I don’t know if anyone in THE 434 remembers why it got written down; all we know is, when it’s on The List it must be completed. Case in point: I spent three of my dollars and a million of my Coolness Points on #51 Get Sippy Cups to Drink Out of (in the Servery). But it had to be done, and I did it gladly. Besides, as Patricia Ladd, I had an excess of Coolness Points anyway. It was making everyone else feel bad about themselves.

Anyway, to tackle the Human Leash problem we decided to combine list items. If we sent out a “Lost Item” message to the List Serv about our lost human leash, then maybe someone would find one and give it to us. Stellar logic, I know. So we composed this email:
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The List: #86 See a Psychic

At the beginning of this semester, THE 434 began compiling a List of Things To Do Before We Graduate which we have taped to our wall. You know, for motivation and to give me a reason to get out of bed on Sundays. Some of them are fairly normal and not worth talking about (#57 See Rice Baseball Game) and some I’m still not sure how we’re going to complete (#1 Meet Beyonce, #87 Steal Colleen Lamos’ Dog, #25 Get a Squirrel In the Room), although Bova has devoted her post-recital semester to the latter. She says she’s touched one when it was hanging out on the Wiess prison bars and looking the other way, but so far that’s the only development on that front.

However, last week we did complete #86: See a Psychic. We wanted to find a cheaper one so we first tried to google psychics in Houston. None of the web addresses listed were active and all of the phone numbers we tried to call had been disconnected. Clearly they knew we were looking and were trying to fly under the radar. So we decided it would be easier to just drive down Montrose and, behold, nestled amongst the tattoo parlors and adult novelty stores, we found a sign for $10 palm readings.

I had to park on a strange side street and we had to clamber through the underbrush to reach the door, so I was already fairly certain we were going to be paying with our souls/turned into mice/eaten as per every fairy tale I have ever read. The truth was less dramatic. We ended up sitting at this woman’s kitchen table while she peered at our hands and told us what diseases we probably wouldn’t have to worry about while her husband talked on the phone in the background about his insulin. Bova and Rob got off easy with three children each; I, however, am apparently doomed to have SIX children, four of them being two sets of twins. I assume all named Bridget, as per the prophecies of Rob. For a palm reader, she wasn’t very good at looking at hands; I was certain she would notice my engagement ring and say something like “You’ve already found your soul mate” as if this were some startling mystic prediction. Instead:

Gypsy Woman: What’s with this man you love who doesn’t know he loves you yet?
Me: Ummm… he asked me to marry him. So I think he knows.
Gypsy Woman: Aha ahhh! (smoker’s laugh) He’s your soul mate. A good person, but lazy. You are clearly in charge.
Me: Clearly.

Apparently I will live to be 91 and Rob will be 84, which means in the future we give up our idea of a murder-suicide pact at 28 to avoid getting old. Which seemed like an okay plan freshmen year, but now, as a senior, seems startlingly close. On the plus side, this will make list item #62: Senior Citizen’s Party! all the more easy to accomplish/ironic. The point is to dress in lumpy sweaters, eat Worther’s butterscotches and play Bingo. Clearly fun on a bun.

PS… I now have a working FAQ! Finally! A place to answer all of the questions you Frequently Ask Me!

Roadtrip: Staving Off Adulthood One Tourist Trap At A Time

Almost exactly one year ago, I was sitting in Scotland, wondering why it was so cold in March, when everyone knows it should be at least 80. I’m not really clear on what the temperature actually was since I never bothered with converting from Celsius since the equation would inevitably be: 9C/5 + 32= TOO COLD. Anyway, I was also wondering if I could actually spend not one but two more summers explaining to disgruntled people why the library doesn’t shelve books by color for minimum wage. So I started plans for the roadtrip to end all roadtrips, designed to cover everything anyone abroad had ever asked me about America. See, when I first got there, I had a lot of conversations like this:

Scottish person: You’re from America! That’s cool! Have you been to LA? Have you seen Zac Efron?
Me: No. And no.
Scottish person: New York?
Me: I mean… this one time in middle school… okay, not really.
Scottish person: The Grand Canyon?
Me: I mean… it’s just a big hole in the ground…
Scottish person: Wait, so… where in the States are you from?
Me: Florida. Texas. Kind of.
Scottish person: Miami?
Me: No… it’s like a ten hour drive from my house.
Scottish person: Right. Okay. (awkward silence)

So that’s why the tentative route looks something like this:
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Things That Spell Our Doom–1

Since I have no class on Fridays, I usually spend the day drawing inane comics about myself fighting crime or honing my paranoia into a finely sharpened point of irrational fear and stockpiled canned goods. Hey, if you have a plan for even the most unlikely worst case scenario, you never have to waste an unnecessary two hours having the awkward “Okay, who do we eat first?” discussion. And because I care about you, all three of you reading this, I’ve decided to share my plans for defeating the Top Five Things That Spell Our Doom (today, anyway).

1. The West Side Story Mafia

“But, Patricia,” you will say. “Everyone knows that West Side Story was over last weekend and so you have no more reason to complain.” WRONG ON BOTH COUNTS, MY FRIEND. I can always find a reason to complain, and they only want you to think they have disbanded. These people practiced for at least four hours a night for three months. Now that the show is officially over, their lives are filled with empty holes and devoid of meaning. A mob without a purpose. Just waiting to wreak untold havoc and reveal its secret agenda. I have a hunch about that too. Because the Wiess commons currently looks like this:

Laziness... OR DIABOLICAL PLAN??

Laziness... OR DIABOLICAL PLAN??

What are they planning on doing with all those stage pieces? Clearly, they will soon institute Phase II of their plan to take over Wiess by using them to build a giant barricade around the Wiess Commons, forcing those of us who still resist them to give up our claims to Wiess or starve to death.

The Plan: Graduate! In a month, I won’t care who owns the commons! Until then, I think I can subsist on the box of Triscuits I just found in my room. DO YOUR WORST, CAITLIN MILLER!
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