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2015: The Bad

January 1st, 2016 by pladd

I guess it’s a good sign that there were only 16 books I gave 1 star to in 2015, and some of those were for Hate Book Club and my Reading Things I Disagree With project. It’s hard to pick the WORST book, but I’m going to have to go with:

Don’t Be That Girl by Travis Stork

Maybe because I can’t even get past the cover without being insulted. I read this in February as the book I disagree with. Travis Stork backs up his claims on why you should probably quit your job because men are intimidated by a woman with a career by repeating that he’s a doctor a lot. Ugggggggh.

The 40 Laws of the Alpha Male: How to Dominate Life, Attract Women, and Achieve Massive Success by Derren Nash

This book I got for free on Amazon for my Books I’ll Disagree with Project. Maybe because I went into it with such low expectations, but it wasn’t AS bad as I thought. It talked a lot about how you need to be confident in your relationship with Jesus?? Which is not something I thought MRAs were into, but whatever.

The Art of the Deal by Donald Trump

Read the full review here. In summary, Donald Trump was way more boring than offensive in the 80s, at least by comparison.

I Am Having So Much Fun Here Without You by Courtney Maum

This book is terrible. It got some good reviews, but the characters are all horrible, particularly the narrator, who whines a lot about how he just wants his wife and kid back while also pining for his mistress. I only kept reading in the hopes that he would die horribly. Alas.

Here’s the Situation: A Guide to Creeping on Chicks, Avoiding Grenades, and Getting in Your GTL on the Jersey Shore “by” Mike Sorrentino

Read the full review here. Another excellent Hate Book Club choice.

My Unfair Lady by Kathryne Kennedy

Okay, I had to give this book one star because of what it is, but it was actually pretty hilarious to read. Summer Wine Lee grew up as a half-Native American prospector’s daughter in The Wild West before her dad found silver and became totally nouveau riche. She hires the English Duke of Monchester to turn her into a proper lady so she can marry into old money, but of course he ends up falling in love with her instead. Basically, her fakey Old West accent changed my life.

Grey by ELJames

I was coerced into reading this by tumblr. You can see a PAINSTAKINGLY DETAILED review compiled over several months there.

Love and Miss Communication by Elyssa Friedland

I tried to read this book because it looked like a modern epistolary novel, and you know I’m a sucker for epistolary novels. But I’m pretty sure the author wrote a novel about “detoxing from modern technology” without really understanding modern technology. I think the main character is supposed to read as “delightfully over-the-top” but instead I hate her.

The Island of Lost Maps by Miles Harvey

I thought this was going to be one of those great non-fiction books that read like a novel, but instead it was one guy’s rambling.

How to Fight, Lie, and Cry Your Way to Popularity (and a Prom Date) by Nikki Roddy

This book looked like it was going to be a funny parody of teen movies, maybe with some analysis thrown in, but instead it was a bland summary of them

Gender Blender by Blake Nelson

I read a lot of books about gender identity, but this… is not one of them. It’s about a middle school boy and girl who switch bodies Freaky Friday style. Hello, outdated gender stereotypes.

The Internet is a Playground by David Thorne

This book was free on Amazon. That is the extent of my memories about it.

The Frazzled Female by Cindi Wood

I read this book in March as the Book I Disagree With. It’s basically an article from Ladies Home Journal stretched to 122 pages with an extra dose of Jesus.

The Divorce Papers by Susan Rieger

Another epistolary novel that let me down. This book was WAY boring. You can tell this was written by someone with a lot of law experience, because she chooses to include WAY more information about contracts, court documents, and legalese than a normal author would. The story itself was pretty bland and uninteresting.

101 Things You Need to Know and Some You Don’t by Richard Horne

This was aimed at teens, but would probably be more appropriate for a 3rd grader. I remember nothing else about it.

How to Spice up Your Marriage in 7 Days by Imogen Barnet

This was free on Amazon, and I was desperate to read a book I disagreed with. It’s best advice was to stare unblinkingly into someone’s eyes for four whole minutes. “Set your phone alarm.” Okay, creeper.

Previously: 2015 The Good, 2014 The Bad
Next: 2015 The Ugly

Tagged: 2015 books, Book Reviews

Posted in Book Reviews, lists |

2015: The Good

January 1st, 2016 by pladd

This year I read 148 books! Here are the ones I rated five stars on GoodReads.

The Girl with Ghost Eyes by M. H. Boroson

This was my favorite book I read this year!!! A great mix of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Kung Fu movies, I learned a lot about Chinese folklore in this historical fiction-fantasy-adventure. Set in 1800s Chinatown, this book follows Li-lin, a Daoist priestess who can see into the spirit world as she tries to save her city from the vengeful ravages of a man-made monster.

Lumberjanes Volumes 1 & 2 by Noelle Stevenson

These graphic novels are awesome! The Lumberjanes are like more badass girl scouts who must survive a summer camp in a forest full of mythical monsters. Also, friendship bracelets!!

Illuminae by Alice Kaufman and Jay Kristoff

This book fucked me up. It’s a sci-fi/horror/epistolary/adventure of badassness.

Becoming Nicole: The Transformation of an American Family by Amy Ellis Nutt

This memoir tells the story of Nicole, a transgender girl, and her family’s experiences as she grew up. It’s a really interesting portrait, not just of a transgender individual, but of the family and community around her and how they react and are affected by her transformation.

Voracious: A Hungry Reader Cooks Her Way Through Great Books by Cara Nicoletti

This book talks about one book per short chapter, a personal essay about it followed by a recipe. I liked the essays so much, because they mirrored some of my experiences with certain books (Anne of Green Gables) and otherwise just spoke to growing up as a reader and how books can affect your life. Plus delicious food!

Rad American Women A-Z by Kate Schatz

I learned a lot from this book!!! There were plenty of rad American women I’d never heard of.

The Wacky and Wonderful World Through Numbers by Steve Martin

This was a fun, interesting book that anyone who likes statistics or world records would enjoy!

Dietland by Sarai Walker

THIS BOOK. I loved its message of militant body positivity and feminism, and all the different variations of each. It’s so rare to have a fat lady protagonist who doesn’t end the book living happily ever after by losing weight. I found this book really inspiring, especially when the main character muses that being fat is kind of a super power in that it shows you how people really are. The people who are jerks to her may have hid their inner jerkiness if she were pretty, but she knows their reactions to her are their genuine selves, good or bad. I think about that a lot.

The Folded Clock: A Diary by Heidi Julavits

This was like a cross between a diary and a series of personal essays on many different subjects. I really like Heidi Julavits’ voice and sense of humor.

Microshelters: 59 Creative Cabins, Tiny Houses, Tree Houses, and Other Small Structures by Derek Diedricksen

I don’t know if I could ever live in a tiny house myself (especially not with Steven and Olivia), but it was so interesting seeing the different creative ways people packed what they needed into such a small frame.

An Age of License by Lucy Knisley

This is a travelogue graphic novel about a pretty epic trip through Europe. I’ve read a few of Knisley’s graphic novels, and I really enjoy her art style and down-to-earth writing.
Read the rest of this entry »

Tagged: 2015 books, Book Reviews, books

Posted in Book Reviews, lists |

Pinkie Pie and the Rockin’ Ponypalooza Party!

December 28th, 2015 by pladd

It has been SO LONG since we’ve had a Middle School Book Report!!! In the spirit of Goddess Girls, Steven and I decided to start a new series of tween girl books that speak to both our expertises’. Namely:

It’s going to be great.

Summary of Amazingness
By Patricia
In the middle of one of Pinkie Pie’s awesome parties, her way-less-enthusiastic family shows up wanting to see Princess Twilight. They’re in dire need of royal help because the family rock farm is going under! Pinkie Pie immediately suggests throwing a big rock concert to remind everyone how great rocks are, but her pony-Mennonite family are sick of her frivolous suggestions and tell her to get serious. So her friends try to plan a party without her while Pinkie Pie paints her room brown and tries to schedule business meetings. Eventually her family sees she is miserable and apologizes, and the Ponypalooza is a huge success, somehow making people order more gravel and bricks. Yay!

Igneous Rock: Pony Mennonite

Analysis within MLP Canon and Fanon
By Steven
So let’s start with one thing; I have no idea what the Word of God is on the canonicity of this series, but I kind of want for it to be canon as written, and here is just one reason why: “Nine Inch Tails.” That’s not to mention a number of other ponified bands, but it does at least introduce something other than saccharine-sweet pop and quasi-country into canon (note: this was published in 2013, before the introduction of Countess Coloratura a.k.a. MLP Lady Gaga). For this book, though, apart from the fun little references like those, there’s really nothing noticeably out of canon. Pinkie is Pinkie, except when she’s Pinkamena, the Pie clan are basically American Gothic in pony form, the Mane 6 do their thing, and parties get thrown. It basically qualified as a standard slice of life episode without pushing any canon boundaries, save perhaps one; Igneous and Cloudy Quartz (Pinkie’s parents) have perfectly normal, if slightly stilted, speech patterns, despite the show’s canon (and a large slice of common fanon) depicting them as using archaic English forms (as of S05E20). All things considered, that gets a pass.

Pony Lady Gaga

Patricia’s Favorites
Character: Pinkie Pie’s pet alligator, Gummy, who does nothing except blink occasionally
Part: All the bands that play at Ponypalooza: Coldhay, John Mare, The Whooves, and Neigh-Z
Thing I Learned: Sales of gravel are directly related to rock concert attendance

Steven’s Favorites
Character: Pinkie Pie, for equipping the Cutie Mark Crusaders with spring-loaded shoes. That’s something that would get you on a watchlist in any other nation.
Part: Ditto the bands. That was cute.
Thing I Learned: That either gems are dirt cheap or else Equestria is an economic powerhouse, allowing random citizens to upgrade their driveways with bling. Now I want an amethyst car park. Also that apparently major headliner bands will do a concert for free if you know them well enough?

I mean, let’s face it; they’re Ponyville’s resident terrorists

Tagged: Book Reviews, my little pony, Steven

Posted in Book Reviews |

Library Book Sale Fallout: The Great Snape Debate

December 23rd, 2015 by pladd

This book was probably the best thing anyone has ever found at a library book sale:

The “Unauthorized” Great Snape Debate

This book is amazing for so many reasons. The giant “BORDERS EXCLUSIVE!” sticker, the fact that if you flip it upside down, you get the counterpoint argument:

Children love this shit

But most of all that this book was ONLY culturally relevant between July 2005 and July 2007, when Book 6 ended with (spoiler alert?) SNAPE KILLING DUMBLEDORE and Book 7 revealed HIS DRAMATIC BACKSTORY. In consequence, reading this time capsule in 2015 is hilarious. Also, I highlighted parts to remember for this blog post, so the next person to read this book is going to think a crazy person was the last to read this (they may be right).

Both The Case for Snape’s Innocence and The Case for Snape’s Guilt go through the same format:

Chapter 1: Proof from the book of Snape’s Innocence/Guilt
Chapter 2: Literary Devices employed that support either theory
Chapter 3: A Biography of Snape from each perspective
Chapter 4: Other roles Alan Rickman has played where he’s been a reluctant hero/villain
Chapter 5: Slytherin House Isn’t All Bad/Slytherin House Includes Only Hitlers

Even though (spoiler alert?) Book 7 would reveal that the “Snape’s Innocence” section was ultimately right in that Snape was following Dumbledore’s orders to kill him, “Snape’s Guilt” section made FAR better points in this book. I think because, even though Snape ended up being “good” (arguably), he was still a raging asshole. Reasons why we should trust Snape supposedly include:

“Snape teaches Harry exactly the things he needs to know in order to survive the dangers at hand or to make sense of confusing events” (3)

Which is only a little bit true if you assume Snape is responsible for the set Hogwarts potions curriculum.

The main justification this section uses is the same as the one in the book: that Dumbledore trusts him and Dumbledore is COMPLETELY trustworthy and has everyone’s best interests at heart.

Sometimes he [Dumbledore] is wrong. But from what we’ve seen of his unfailingly ethical and civil behavior…” (10)

Snape’s Guilt has my back on this, because even if you don’t use any evidence from Book 7, Dumbledore is still sketchy as hell.

“the “well-protected” Sorcerer’s Stone is blocked by a set of creatures and tasks that three mere first-year students are able to overcome all by themselves” (8)

“Dumbledore hires the inept egomaniac Gilderoy Lockhart for the Defense Against the Dark Arts position in Harry’s second year, while Harry and his friends see through his thin facade of talent after a single class… Lockhart, however, is not in league with Voldemort, making him an almost decent choice in comparison to some of the others” (7)

“Dumbledore is not exactly the best judge of character” (5)

Dude couldn’t even recognize that his boy Mad-Eye Moody was actually a Death Eater in disguise for ALL OF BOOK 4. And you’re all trusting him to not get you killed? Come on.

The Case for Snape’s Innocence also makes you try to think that Snape had ~hidden good guy reasons~ for all his shitty behavior:

“Snape had concerns–Lupin presented a danger to students, as he almost was to Snape himself… in his very first class, the memory of his own near-miss with death due to Lupin’s nature impossible to put aside, [he] assigned an essay on how to recognize werewolves so that, should Lupin become a danger, his students would be prepared” (52)

Yeah, that time he got Lupin fired he was just ~worried about the children~. Plus, even if he is an ass, The Case for Snape’s Innocence knows it’s not really his fault he’s like this. After all, everyone saw his underwear when he was 15!!!!

“The underpants, and the shame they represent, are at the root of everything” (37)

The Case for Snape’s Guilt calls bullshit on this too:

“In a display of bitterness and stunted emotional growth, Snape takes his revenge on James by picking on Harry… it’s tempting to view him as a victim, but Harry has had a pretty rotten childhood himself, yet still manages to rise above misery and self-pity” (35)

My favorite part from the Case for Snape’s Innocence section is either this:

“The beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes, the delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses” (137). The only way this could have been a greater entrance was if Snape recited the speech while being lowered into the classroom on a harness like Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible.”

Because what the hell? Or citing Alan Rickman’s character in Love Actually as a “flawed hero” figure:

“Although thoughtless to the effect his wandering attention is having on his wife, Harry does resist the temptation Mia presents” (61)

Except, nope, Word of God confirms that was a full-on affair.

But besides trying to defend Snape’s questionable virtue, the ACTUAL best part about this book is how many Harry Potter fan theories about Book 7 it contains. Prevalent among them was that somehow Dumbledore wasn’t really dead:

“Some fans who believe Snape is innocent theorize that Snape and Dumbledore faked Dumbledore’s death… Rowling’s response was, “Dumbledore is definitely dead.” (She didn’t, however, say anything about whether he’s going to stay that way…)” (11)

And of course lots of people had predicted the Snape/Lily unrequited love before Book 7 confirmed it, but The Case for Snape’s Innocence doesn’t want to go too far into fan theory territory, just noting that mabye “Snape and Lily formed some kind of bond over their mutual talent for potion making” (12). The Case for Snape’s Guilt argues right back that, if Snape actually loved Lily, “Wouldn’t he avoid pointlessly harassing Lily’s only son, even if it is just for her sake?” (21). You’d think, but sometimes the assholery is too strong to resist.

Other amazing theories:

“Could there be a good-magic equivalent of the dark-magic Horcrux?” (81)

This was part of a possible explanation about how Dumbledore might not really be dead lol. And:

“Based on what we know about Lily’s mastery of ancient magic, it’s possible, even likely, that Lily’s ability to see “the beauty in others” was more than a figure of speech” (23)

A surprising amount of time was devoted to this theory which rests on a line from the movie version of Prisoner of Azkaban and an understanding that Lily dying for her son=protecting him from Voldemort was something she did with conscious knowledge about what would happen (debatable). The authors go on for at least a page about how Harry “having his mother’s eyes” probably means that he also has inherited this magical ability they’ve made up about “seeing into people’s hearts.” Nice try, 2006.

Previously: Library Book Sale

Tagged: books, harry potter

Posted in Book Reviews |

Hate Book Club: The Art of the Deal

October 14th, 2015 by pladd

Brian chose this edition of Hate Book Club, but I don’t blame him because we both thought it would end up being better than it was. First published in 1987, this book is a portrait of a past version of Donald Trump. Less bombastic, more optimistic, far more boring.

Still got ridic hair, though

As always, I have to begin Hate Book Club by finding three nice things to say about the book:
1. This life advice:

“If it can’t be fun, what’s the point?” (2)

2. It made me falsely nostalgic for a simpler time when you had to call people on landlines to get anything done. Oh, romantic inconvenience
3. It reminded me SO MUCH of the Futurama episode “Future Stock,” about a 1980s business guy who gets frozen and reawakened in the year 3001 to try to use 80s tactics to succeed in future business. So I ended up rewatching that episode, and it’s a great one.

This book is shelved in the biography section of my library because it is a monotonous chronicling of Trump’s every business move from high school forward. It basically reads like a grocery list. But there were some glimmerings of the ridiculous troll-beast that would emerge in decades to come, like his condescending attitude towards women:

One of the first things I did was join Le Club, which at the time was the hottest club in the city and perhaps the most exclusive… Its membership included some of the most successful men and the most beautiful women in the world. (95)

Because success:men::beauty:women. Obviously. You can also clearly see the casual condescension and privilege that will become such a pillar of his public persona:

My father had done very well for himself, but he didn’t believe in giving his children huge trust funds. When I graduated from college, I had a net worth of perhaps $200,000 (93)

HAULING MYSELF UP BY MY BOOTSTRAPS with only $200,000, in 1960s money. Don’t worry, this judgment also extends to his own family:

Maryanne [his sister, a federal judge] is really something. My younger sister, Elizabeth, is kind and bright but less ambitious, and she works at Chase Manhattan Bank in Manhattan. (70)

Working at a bank is a perfectly normal career, but in the Trump family you have to preface it with “but she has a great personality.”

I also learned some of Trump’s baffling personal habits:

I ask Norma Foerderer, my executive assistant… to bring me lunch: a can of tomato juice” (7)

The best part was definitely when he punched a teacher in the face:

Even in elementary school I was a very assertive, aggressive kid. In the second grade I actually gave a teacher a black eye–I punched my music teacher because I didn’t think he knew anything about music (71)

Honestly, I skimmed a lot of this book, so I don’t have a ton of notes, but to give you a general feel for it, here are some quotes from Futurama:

Steve Castle: Let’s cut to the chase. There are two kinds of people: Sheep and sharks. Anyone who’s a sheep is fired. Who’s a sheep?
Zoidberg: Uh, excuse me? Which is the one people like to hug?
Steve Castle: Gutsy question. You’re a shark. Sharks are winners and they don’t look back ’cause they don’t have necks. Necks are for sheep. [Everyone sinks down and covers their necks.] I am proud to be the shepherd of this herd of sharks

Steve Castle: Fry, I’m an 80’s guy. Friendship to me means that for two bucks I’d beat you with a pool cue till you got detached retinas.

Here’s the graph I made of my experience reading this book:

And here’s a gif that sums up my reaction to this book:

Don’t forget to read Brian’s review here!

Tagged: books, brian is a weather witch, hate book club

Posted in Hate Book Club |

Hate Book Club: Here’s The Situation

September 8th, 2015 by pladd

Full disclosure: I read this book over a month ago and did not take notes because, at the time, Brian seemed like he was not serious about reading it for Hate Book Club. Then Brian wrote a fancy for real article on it, and also a Hate Book Club review that you should totally go read. So this review will be more about what actually sticks with you from The Situation’s ghost-written words of wisdom over time.

As always, I’ll begin my review with three nice things about the book:

1. It included a lasagna recipe!!!
2. It included a sewing pattern!
3. It had a ridiculous fairy tale called “Grenadilocks and the 3 Abs” that was basically a parody of itself

I’ve never seen an episode of the Jersey Shore, which is probably a prerequisite for really understanding this book. However, I have watched all five episodes of Jersey Shore Gone Wilde, the youtube series where Importance of Being Earnest actors read lines from The Jersey Shore, so I felt I was semi-prepared.

I can’t remember if the book includes a glossary, but it should, because The Situation introduces you to a whole new vocabulary. “Grenades” are women who are going to wreck your chances of having sex with other women, for instance. “GTL” is the important, almost ritualistic routine The Situation adheres to: Gym, Tanning, Laundry.

The gender politics in this book were hella offensive, of course, but it was also just plain silly. An extensive section detailed how to GTL if lost in the wilderness, including improvising free weights from logs and woodland creatures, and using your car’s mirrors to aid in tanning. There was a sewing pattern which you could use to make your own little ab pillow to cuddle up to at night if you aren’t “lucky” enough to be sleeping with The Situation. I don’t know why the pattern is for a single ab and not a six-pack.

The only other thing I really remember is that he constantly referred to sex as “smooshing,” which hopefully does not speak to his sexual prowess because that sounds really unappealing. Like being slowly crushed to death by The Blob.

I searched my files for any notes I may have taken on this book, but all I found was this single screenshot:

I guess I thought it said all it needed to about this

In all, this book seemed to sort of be making fun of itself, which is interesting, because it might mean that The Situation is more self-aware than seems possible. Or his ghost writer is. Either way, I didn’t hate this book as much as I thought. It benefited hugely from my low expectations and the fact that I paid $0 for it. My reaction gif is therefore:

Since I can’t remember a lot of this book, I decided to make my requisite chart based on the Amazon/Goodreads reviews, which varied pretty significantly:

From the site whose purpose is to sell you books

From the site whose purpose is to sell you ads

You should make sure to read Brian’s better-researched review, and also his review of the lasagna recipe!

Previously: The Natural

Tagged: brian is a weather witch, hate book club

Posted in Hate Book Club |

Hate Book Club: The Natural

May 9th, 2015 by pladd

Hate Book Club is, of course, where Brian and I read books we think we’ll hate. This time we had to recommend a book we thought the other one would hate. For him, I chose Daughter of the Blood by Anne Bishop, the weirdest erotic fantasy novel I’ve ever read. I’m so excited to read his review of it!!

For me, Brian chose The Natural by Bernard Malamud. It didn’t take me long to see why he thought I would hate it. It’s hella boring and also all about baseball, America’s Most Boring Pastime.

Even the cover is boring

As always, I have to start my review by thinking of three good things to say, and they are:
1) It was really easy to skim the descriptions of the games because they hardly factored into the “plot” at all so I wasn’t exposed to as much baseball as I feared
2) This book actually made me like baseball more, because even watching it is less boring than reading about it.
3) It may have been painful to read at the time, but, unlike other horrible books, it quickly left my system. I’m writing this 2 months after starting this review (Brian reads slow), and I haven’t really retained much about the plot. In fact:

Luckily, I kept copious notes.

Here is the deal: Roy Hobbs is going to be the best baseball player ever, but before he can try out for the Cubs, a serial killer who specializes in murdering talented baseball players shoots him in the stomach. MANY YEARS LATER Roy is signed as a rookie to play on the Knights. Everyone makes fun of him because he’s so old, but when he uses his magical bat that he made himself (named “Wonderboy” because Bernard Malamud is imaginative), he is the best hitter ever so soon they shut up. All except Bump, the former best player on the team, who continually plays tricks on him. Like the time he randomly switched rooms with him for the night, causing his girlfriend Memo to sleep with Roy instead?? Hilarious.

Anyway, Bump runs into a wall and dies. Roy attempts to force himself on Memo repeatedly. He also meets a woman named Iris Lemon and goes on a weird date to the middle of nowhere with her where they swim in a lake and then build a fire like boyscouts. Iris confesses that she has an illegitimate child. He’s like “Well, you’re hot and clearly slutty, so let’s do this.” Then, in the middle of the sex:

But while he was in the middle of loving her she spoke: “I forgot to tell you I am a grandmother.”
He stopped. Holy Jesus.
Then she remembered something else and tried, in fright, to raise herself.
“Roy, are you–”
But he shoved her back and went on from where he had left off. (157)

Roy can’t get over that Iris is a grandmother, so he blows her off thereafter and continues pursuing Memo despite the fact that she doesn’t seem to like him. Then, a few day before THE BIG GAME, he has some kind of stomach attack and ends up in the hospital. The doctor is all “You should never play baseball again. You’re too old and it apparently makes your body explode.” But Roy just HAS to play in the BIG GAME. Memo arrives and explains that they can’t be together because he’s too old to make enough money at baseball to keep her in style:

“Maybe I am weak or spoiled, but I am the type who has to have somebody who can support her in a decent way. I’m sick of living like a slave. I got to have a house of my own, a maid to help me with the hard work, a decent car to shop with and a fur coat for winter time when it’s cold.” (193)

UNLESS he takes this deal that the team owner and the city’s biggest bookie have cooked up to make money. But can Roy really throw the big game??? It turns out, yes, although he has a change of heart near the end and starts trying for real real. Unfortunately, it’s too late and the Knights lose. Everyone is disappointed. Roy beats up the team owner, the bookie, and Memo and leaves a broken man.

Also, in the middle of the game he hits a ball into the stand that smashes Iris Lemon IN THE FACE. She dramatically reveals she’s pregnant with his child before the ambulance takes her away. He realizes TOO LATE that he doesn’t care about her past and that she is way less sketchy the Memo. BUT IS SHE? Apparently she is mainly attracted to Roy due to his resemblance to her rapist:

How like the one who jumped me in the park that night he looks, she thought, and to drive the thought away pressed his head deeper into her breasts, thinking, this will be different. (219)

On the other hand, this is Memo’s (and Bernard Malamud’s??) idea of the best way to sexily wait for your BF:

She was lying naked in bed, chewing a turkey drumstick as she looked at the pictures in a large scrapbook. (184)

Either way, Roy is a horrible person who doesn’t care about either of them. When he’s not trying to wheedle sex out of Memo in the sketchiest way possible:

“For Christ sakes, Memo, I am a grown guy and not a kid. When are you gonna be nice to me?”
“I am, Roy.”
“Not the way I want it.” (175)

Here he is trying to get over the fact that Iris is a grandmother. A HOT grandmother, but still.

To do her justice he concentrated on her good looks and the pleasures of her body but when her kid’s kid came to mind, despite grandma’s age of only thirty-three, that was asking too much and spoiled the appetizing part of her. (159)

Beside the terrible characters, the other horrible parts of this book included the vaguely dirty feeling Bernard Malamud’s attempts at writing gave me:

He felt a splurge of freedom at the view (3)

And the way everyone in this book is unreasonably obsessed with baseball:

“The ballplayers.”
“Oh, the ball–” Eddie clapped a hand to his mouth. “Are you one of them?”
“I hope to be.”
The porter bowed low. “My hero. Let me kiss your hand.” (5)

I guess this book was first published in 1952 when maybe baseball was a big deal and not just the acknowledged most boring sport in the entire world. It was a simpler time before the Internet, with simple past times. At least in this book I could skim the play-by-plays of Roy’s games, so it has that to be said for it. So in the end this book is slightly LESS boring than an actual baseball game, although I don’t know what kind of twisted deal-with-the-boring-devil would ever have you choosing between the two.

In the end, I would sum up my reaction to this book thusly:

Don’t forget to read Brian’s review!

Previously: The Overton Window by Glenn Beck

Tagged: Book Reviews, brian is a weather witch, hate book club

Posted in Hate Book Club |

And the New Day was a Great Big Fish: My Top 10 Discworld Novels

March 13th, 2015 by pladd

I was more upset than seems natural that the world lost one of its greatest writers, and, more importantly, a kind and awesome person when Sir Terry Pratchett died yesterday. His books are, quite simply, magic. They mean so much to me that I’ve rewritten this post at least twelve times because it never seems to be enough. I can’t explain it well enough to do them justice, especially if you’ve never read any.

The Discworld floats through space, supported by four gigantic elephants who are themselves standing on a giant turtle. A Star Turtle. It seems strange at first, but after you’re one or two books in, it seems completely natural.

The Discworld

Discworld books always get shelved in fantasy, because some of the characters are subpar wizards and there are swamp dragons and time travel and trolls. But it’s not some High Fantasy bullshit where you need a giant appendix with a glossary of elvish terms and characters. The Discworld is more about our world than anything. It’s about war and death and the pain of growing up and growing old, the magic in everyday things and the power of humans and what they can do together–for good or for evil.

Also, it’s hilarious.

I mean, if you couldn’t tell from the giant world turtle. My favorite books are hilarious but also meaningful. The other great thing about Discworld is that it really is an entire world. There are over 40 books, but most of them don’t go in any particular order. There are a few general storylines, but also many one-off novels, and characters from different books appear as minor characters in others. That in itself is a feature I love, like unexpectedly bumping into an old friend. I really think this means that there is a Discworld book for everyone. I love all of them, but at certain times in my life I’ve been more drawn to the Rincewind stories, for instance, whereas now (as you’ll see from my list) anything featuring Vimes usually gets top billing. It was hard to decide on a Top 10, and I feel like I will change my mind about some of the ordering even tomorrow, but for now:

10. Men at Arms

I love Vimes novels because I love: 1) a good mystery, 2) a scruffy, world-weary underdog, and 3) the underlying themes of inclusion and justice. Vimes works for the Ankh-Morpork City Watch, which, at least at the beginning, gets about as much respect as those flunky guards who always get killed by the hero on the way in to save the princess in a trope-filled fantasy novel. Still, I would classify these books as police procedurals, with werewolves. In this one, Vimes has to catch a serial killer on the loose in Ankh-Morpork with a strange new weapon that does untold damage. He also has to deal with new species integration in the Watch, when he’s forced to hire a dwarf, a troll, and a werewolf.

The werewolf is Sergeant Angua and I LOVE HER

I really like watching Vimes grow as a person throughout the books about him, but still retain that hard-bitten core of Vimesishness. This book uses the anti-dwarf/troll/werewolf attitudes espoused by Vimes, other Watch members, and the populace at large to parody real issues of racism and sexism, and Pratchett’s portrayal is spot fucking on.

9.The Fifth Elephant

This is another, later City Watch novel, where Vimes is sent as a diplomatic envoy from Ankh-Morpork to Uberwald for the crowning of a new Low King of the dwarfs. Of course, since it’s a Vimes novel, there’s a mystery to solve–namely, the theft of a sacred dwarf artifact. And the theft of a model of it from an Ankh-Morpork museum. And the murder of a condom maker. Related? Maybe! This book builds on previous worldbuilding and gives us an insight into “traditional” dwarf, werewolf, and vampire society. Ankh-Morpork and all its problems are downright cosmopolitan by comparison. Case in point: Corporal Cheery Littlebottom, one of the first openly female dwarfs.

Note the riveted skirt and earrings. Get it, girl

Pratchett’s depiction of traditional dwarf society, with all the attendant legends and mythology of a people who have lived their lives underground, in near-darkness, is breathtaking. The way he plays with traditional tropes is hilarious (the main vampire character, a Countess, knits her own cardigans). This book is as much a political thriller as it is a mystery, and Vimes is the best forever.
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Tagged: Book Reviews, books, discworld, lists, terry pratchett

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