Archive for the ‘Book Reviews’ Category

Banned Books: Habibi

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Title: Habibi
Author: Craig Thompson
Challenged Because: Nudity, sexually explicit, unsuited to age group

This graphic novel is set in what turns out to be a post-apocalyptic Middle East where the only source of non-polluted water is controlled by a decadent sultan and the majority of the populace is starving and living in piles of trash. The main characters are two escaped child slaves doing anything they can to try to survive. Which mostly involves lots of prostitution.

While the art is lavish and beautiful, I don’t know enough about Islam to critique this book effectively. All I know is, it made me uncomfortable. Craig Thompson has clearly researched the Qur’an, Islamic folktales, and art styles, but the main character’s time in the sultan’s harem complete with bitchy concubines, eunuchs, and opium addiction seems straight out of a bad 1970s romance novel. I guess when your book is set in a ~fantasy future~ you’re not really worrying about historical accuracy, but employing these tired stereotypes seems sketchy at best. Plus, every man is a rapist who sees women solely as sex objects! The only man who is not portrayed as such is a eunuch, and became one specifically to escape his desire.

So I didn’t like this book, but of course that’s not a reason for it to be taken off library shelves. As to the complaints against it, there’s a lot of sex in it, and, since it’s a graphic novel, the visuals always get people more riled than all the sex in, say, Shakespeare. I think “unsuited to age group” pops up in these challenge reports anytime a parent realizes that there’s not some gate that keeps kids out of the adult stacks where ~they might encounter a book with boobs in it~ and freaks out. The answer to that, of course, is to watch your fucking kid since librarians aren’t babysitters or the Book Police.

Previously: Nasreen’s Secret School
Next: Looking for Alaska

Hate Book Club: The Eyes of the Arab Boy

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In an improbable turn of events, I got an email earlier this month from an author volunteering his book for Hate Book Club. I dutifully explained the point of Hate Book Club and how it would take a dangerous amount of optimism or a fair level of masochism to volunteer your own work for it. But the author was undaunted! So that’s how I came to read this book:

The Eyes of the Arab Boy by Rod Lamirand

The Eyes of the Arab Boy by Rod Lamirand

I guess I should preface with the disclaimer that Rod Lamirand sent me a copy of his book for free, but the opinions below are my own. Obviously. As always, I’m going to start by saying three nice things about the book.

1) I knew almost nothing about Oman before reading this besides where it is and the capital. Now I know a little bit more (assuming Rod Lamirand did his research, I guess), so that’s cool.
2) There was more than one baby turtle!! My favorite character was the baby turtle.
3) I’m strangely comforted by the fact that Americans aren’t the only ones who travel abroad as ignorant, arrogant asshats.

Yes, friends. I too always assumed that Americans had this shit on lock: exoticizing other cultures and then being angry and disappointed at their realities, arrogantly expecting people in other countries to cater to your whims and needs without bothering to learn their customs or language, or just blithely assuming you have diplomatic immunity because HELLO I AM WHITE. But not so! Apparently our Canadian friends stand with us in stupidity, at least according to this book.

#NotAllCanadians

#NotAllCanadians

Also, before we get into a deeper discussion about why this book sucks, we just have to get this out of the way. The main character’s name is Stash. STASH. I mainly finished the book in the hopes of getting an explanation for this but, spoilers, there isn’t one. Is it short for something? Stashopher? Mustache? Does he HAVE a mustache? Why isn’t it spelled Stache? Did he have some kind of epic stash of something at one point that warranted a nickname? WHY DOES EVERYONE CALL HIM “Mr. Stash” (despite having a last name) LIKE THIS IS A NORMAL THING? Rod Lamirand, I vow to buy the sequel to this book with my own money if you promise to explain this mystery in it.

So Stash and his wife Anna are in a deeply troubling relationship built on manipulation. Anna works hard to become a teacher because Stash tells her she’d be good at it despite having no obvious desire to do so. Stash and Anna MOVE TO OMAN because Stash “wants an adventure”. Anna convinces Stash to have a kid because she’s worried about her biological clock (lol) and Stash’s lackluster response is:

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Just the kind of spontaneous, undependable person you want to have a kid with, right? Later on they have similar arguments about having a second kid, including ultimatums, secret vasectomies, and Anna insisting that the second kid Stash doesn’t want is “exactly what [he] needs.” While Anna whines about how she wants more kids, Stash whines about how he wants more exciting sex. He explains that for men sex “is a daily want, a never ending powerful need” and that if HE were the wife in the relationship he would “make it my goal to weave my magic in a million ways for you, every single day of your life… until you died from pleasure.” So, yeah, this book has the sexual politics of a Victorian novel where men are filled with base urges for “sex all the time and if at all possible with variety” whereas “even the liberal, modern, educated,[sic] women, are probably sexually conservative”. LOL OKAY STASH although I question your data. Maybe he’s just pissed that no one really wants to sleep with some skeevy dude named “Stash.” Even in college.

Anyway, in an attempt to liven up this joyless hostage situation of a marriage, Stash and Anna try out sex on the roof of their building, sex with another ex-pat couple, and role play. And, what the hell, taking naked pictures. IN OMAN. Why the fuck not. Oh right, because they are seen and arrested. As you would expect when you live in a country under Sharia law. I don’t know dick about Sharia law, but I DIDN’T VOLUNTARY CHOOSE TO LIVE UNDER IT like these idiots. Plus, they don’t speak any Arabic, just assuming that everyone in Oman will be able to speak English with them. Luckily one of the police officers interrogating them points out how incredibly arrogant this assumption is:

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At various points in this ridiculous process they 1) wish they had registered with their embassy (?? You didn’t??) 2) wish they had the phone number for their embassy (??????? Did you prepare for this trip AT ALL?), and 3) expect the legal system to work the same way it does at home (“Where’s my lawyer?” “Where’s my phone call?” YOU’RE IN OMAN YOU TWITS). Their weird regressive sexual politics aside, it’s impossible to feel any empathy for these two because they are so incredibly dumb. Eventually they are saved by a random Italian diplomat they met who is the only competent character and helps them because of friendship or whatever. Also, the police didn’t really care about their random crimes against Omani law–they were really after their neighbor who turned out to be a pedophile, a plot twist that seemed kind of thrown together. Maybe someone can shed some light on this dude, because even before the DRAMATIC REVEAL I never understood his character at all:

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So… he’s gay? Or he’s not gay? Are we talking General Patton? Was HE gay? This simile honestly means nothing to me, and there are no further context clues besides the big Pedophile Reveal. Is this implying that gay men are pedophiles? WAS General Patton gay? I feel like I am not old enough to understand this book, both in references and weird attitudes about sex and other cultures. Plus, the writing is sometimes ELJames levels of bad:

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Wow, wow, wow!

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My note on the above just says “What?” I have no idea what this is referring to at all.

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I tried to give this one the benefit of the doubt, thinking it might be like Canadian Dad Slang, but Google couldn’t help me out either:

Unless you can only find it on Canadian Google. Canoogle.

Unless you can only find it on Canadian Google. Canoogle.

Since every Hate Book Club review must include a chart, here’s one I made about the types of notes I wrote to myself while reading this ebook.

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Most of the “lol” was laughing AT the characters, not with them. And, as always, here is a gif to sum up my review:

imdone

Previously: Eat, Pray, Love
Next: Depends on if anyone else really wants to VOLUNTEER

Banned Books: Nasreen’s Secret School

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Title: Nasreen’s Secret School: A True Story from Afghanistan
Author: Jeanette Winter
Challenged In: Duval County, FL public schools; Eau Claire, WI public schools
Because: Violent subject matter; “promotes a religion that is not Christianity”; contains an Islamic prayer

This book definitely contains all the things the complainants list, but I don’t really see any of them as a problem, especially since it also contains courage, feminism, and the importance of reading and education. This book is awesome. It follows the story of a young girl named Nasreen whose parents are “taken” by the Taliban. Rather than simply give in to despair, her grandmother enrolls her in a secret school for girls. Since the Taliban have banned all education for girls and women, the girls must be sneaky and use cunning to meet and learn despite the danger. The story is truly inspiring and shows how education can improve life even in the harshest conditions.

True, Nareen’s parents are taken by the Taliban (the book doesn’t show anything beyond that), and I wouldn’t read it at storytime. This is for a slightly older child, or at least one who is more mature. Most libraries that own it shelve it in the non-fiction section (along with the same author’s other awesome title The Librarian of Basra: A True Story from Iraq). The circumstances of the story are sad, but so is the world. The book’s message turns that sadness into strength, which is a good lesson at any age.

As to the “challenge” that it features a religion that’s not Christianity and how that’s somehow perceived as a problem, fuck you.

Previously: Banned Books Week 2016
Next: Habibi

Banned Books Week 2016

It’s that time of year again! Banned Books Week! It kind of crept up on me this year, so I didn’t have as much time to read and prepare. Here are the ALA’s Most Frequently Challenged Books of 2015:

1. Looking for Alaska, by John Green
Reasons: Offensive language, sexually explicit, and unsuited for age group.

I haven’t read this one because I’m not a fan of John Green, but I will be giving it a try!

2. Fifty Shades of Grey, by E. L. James
Reasons: Sexually explicit, unsuited to age group, and other (“poorly written,” “concerns that a group of teenagers will want to try it”).

We all know I’ve read this one. And I’d have to agree that it’s poorly written.

3. I Am Jazz, by Jessica Herthel and Jazz Jennings
Reasons: Inaccurate, homosexuality, sex education, religious viewpoint, and unsuited for age group.

My library doesn’t own this one, so I’ll be ILLing it.

4. Beyond Magenta: Transgender Teens Speak Out, by Susan Kuklin
Reasons: Anti-family, offensive language, homosexuality, sex education, political viewpoint, religious viewpoint, unsuited for age group, and other (“wants to remove from collection to ward off complaints”).

I did read this one when it first came out, and it was great! I can’t really see the “anti-family” complaint since most of the teens featured came from very loving, accepting families. It was really interesting to see so many different people and the different ways they live their lives under the umbrella term “transgender.”

5. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, by Mark Haddon
Reasons: Offensive language, religious viewpoint, unsuited for age group, and other (“profanity and atheism”).

I tried to read this one 2 years ago as part of my Clear Out my GoodReads goal. My complaints were about how uncomfortably gimmicky it was.

6. The Holy Bible
Reasons: Religious viewpoint.

LOL. Perfect.

7. Fun Home, by Alison Bechdel
Reasons: Violence and other (“graphic images”).

I really liked this graphic novel! It’s autobiographical, about growing up in a funeral home and Bechdel’s complicated relationship with her dad.

8. Habibi, by Craig Thompson
Reasons: Nudity, sexually explicit, and unsuited for age group.

Another one my library doesn’t own that I’ll be ILLing.

9. Nasreen’s Secret School: A True Story from Afghanistan, by Jeanette Winter
Reasons: Religious viewpoint, unsuited to age group, and violence.

And another.

10. Two Boys Kissing, by David Levithan
Reasons: Homosexuality and other (“condones public displays of affection”).

I haven’t read a David Levithan book since 2014, when he wrote the worst book I read that year. I guess I’ll be giving this one a go, but I don’t have high hopes.

Yay! Banned Books Week!

Previously: Banned Books Week 2014

Hate Book Club: Eat Pray Love

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Since this year marks its 10th anniversary, I somehow convinced Brian to read Eat, Pray, Love with me. That was four months ago, and Brian has since found way cooler pursuits, but I finished my review anyway so here it is!

I'm pretty sure it owes a full half of its success to cover design

I’m pretty sure it owes a full half of its success to cover design

As always, here are three compliments about the book before I expound upon why I hate it:

1) Elizabeth Gilbert isn’t a terrible writer, so this book was more readable than many we’ve done for Hate Book Club
2) Her life advice, while mostly very general and obvious, won’t kill you
3) Some of the food descriptions sounded good

The plot is pretty simple: a rich white lady gets a divorce and then a book deal to take a year to travel around the world and “find herself.” She wants to go to Italy to learn Italian, India to study at an ashram, and Bali because she was there once and thinks she needs to go back. To try to make her book cohesive, she decides to cram these seperate destinations into a thematic concept about “understanding pleasure, devotion, and a balance between the two” that I don’t buy in any way at all.

My overarching problem with this book is that it can’t decide what it wants to be, so it just does everything badly. Is it a travelogue? I hope not, because Gilbert spends almost no time describing what it’s like to be in these separate places. I have no concept of them or even the people she meets beyond how they affect her. Is it escapist? No, because she spends so much time whining I don’t want to experience her journey through her. It’s not a romance for the same reason–though she does find love at the end, there’s so much angsty build-up that a romance novel fan would quit in disgust. I guess “spiritual memoir” is the most accurate, since we mostly only get how the places she’s visiting are affecting her psyche. And maybe there would be some value in that if she weren’t insufferable.

As an English major who suffered through all the usual classics, it’s weird that I’m about to say this, but: this is the most white-people book I’ve ever read. Gilbert spends 387 pages complaining about how awful her life is, when she’s clearly part of the 1%. We’ve got your egregious (if strange) displays of wealth:

“Wasn’t I proud of all we’d accomplished–the prestigious home in the Hudson Valley, the apartment in Manhattan, the eight phone lines” (11)

Eight phone lines???? Why??? Add to that some “We came over on the Mayflower” bullshit:

“If I look on my dad’s family tree all the way back to the seventeenth century…” (63)

And, most ridic of all, THE FACT THAT SHE IS BEING PAID TO TRAVEL THE WORLD FOR A YEAR:

“I have quit my job, paid off my divorce settlement and legal bills, given up my house, given up my apartment, put what belongings I had left into storage… in advance, my publisher has purchased the book I shall write about my travels” (36)

She consistently wants you to pity her, even with her language choices–she’s “given up” everything in her life–while ignoring the fact that she is being paid to loaf around various international destinations for a year when I can’t even get a Monday night off.

And you know when we’re talking about class privilege, white privilege can’t be far behind. Especially when traveling internationally. Here’s where she patronizingly talks about how cute it is that a girl in India continues to wear her broken glasses instead of just getting them replaced like I’m sure everyone in rural India can totally do easily:

“Tulsi is just about the cutest little bookworm of an Indian girl you ever saw, even cuter since one lens of her “specs” (as she calls her eyeglasses) broke last week in a cartoonish spiderweb design, which hasn’t stopped her from wearing them” (188)

Here’s where she complains that one of the chants they have to recite at the Indian ashram is just not fun like ugh you guys, don’t you hate it when you exoticize a culture but then it turns out to be boring and not mystical at all like you expected??

“each verse is a paragraph of impenetrable Sanskrit…I don’t like the tune and I don’t like the words” (169)

Here’s where she complains that trying to learn the language of the country she’s visiting for four months would just be too much hassle. Better the people whose home you’re visiting learn English to better cater to you:

“I just can’t take on the task of trying to learn Indonesian or, even more difficult, Balinese–a language more complex than Martian” (226)

Here’s where she talks about how nice and easy it is to get around Bali now that terrorist attacks have threatened their livelihood:

“It’s even easier to get around now; everyone is desperate to help you, desperate for work” (226)

Here’s where she decides when an orphaned Indonesian girl’s birthday is for her. And makes her share, because don’t be greedy, Little Ketut; orphans can’t afford their own birthdays.

“Little Ketut, the smallest orphan, whose birthday, I had decided a few weeks ago, would also be on July 18 from now on, shared with my own” (319)

Plus there’s this:

“Thanksgiving is a nice holiday, something an American can freely be proud of” (113)

Elizabeth Gilbert is also fixated on sex. Every time she introduces a new character (and these are real people that she met in real life) she assesses their fuckability:

“Sofie is… so damn cute you could put her on a hook and use her as bait to catch men” (59)

Or worries about her own fuckability because she’s not being sexually harassed by strangers in public:

“And while it’s certainly nice, of course, to not get pawed by a disgusting stranger on the bus, one does have one’s feminine pride” (70)

Maybe this book would be less annoying if she was just going on this journey for herself instead of with the intent to write a book. Because–my dislike of her aside–this all feels incredibly fake. Gilbert doesn’t so much want to experience different cultures as to appear to be the kind of person who does. For instance, she contemplates taking a temporary vow of silence at her ashram for these reasons:

“People will talk about me. They’ll ask ‘Who is That Quiet Girl in the Back of the Temple, always scrubbing the floors, down on her knees? She never speaks. She’s so elusive. She’s so mystical.” (200)

Not to help her in her spiritual journey or better understand the ashram’s teachings or bring herself closer to god. Nope. The main motivation behind the vow (or anything in this book, really) is how much you like the image of yourself doing that. Whether it’s taking a vow of silence at an ashram, speaking Italian, or white savioring your way into an Indonesian woman’s life by buying her a house, this book and Gilbert herself are all about appearances over substance. And those appearances aren’t even that appealing.

Plus, her humor is entirely dad jokes and puns:

“So I made a joke that he was a “bonga-leer” like those guys in Venice but with percussion instead of boats” (280)

That’s her flirting, if you can believe it.

In case you want to go on your own Eat, Pray, Love inspired spiritual journey, I’ve made you a handy graph:

eatpraylovegraph2

In conclusion,

whitenonsense

Previously: Interview with the Vampire

Top 10 books with less than 200 reviews on GoodReads

I saw this idea on someone else’s blog, a fellow member of my penpal club. It got me curious about my own books, so I headed over to GoodReads and sorted my books based on total number of ratings.

I was surprised by how hard it was to narrow it down to just ten! It turns out I’ve rated a lot of books well that are not so popular. I discounted all the picture books, since picture books are not really in GoodReads’ target audience. Some of these are relatively recent, so perhaps they will acquire more attention as time goes on. Here’s what I finally narrowed it down to:

This Day in the Life: Diaries from Women Across America ed. Joni B. Cole, Rebecca Joffrey, and B.K. Rakhra

top1011

Year Published: 2005
# of ratings: 190
Avg rating: 3.57
My rating: 5

This book is a collection of journal entries different women in the US kept on the same day. Most of them are very ordinary, but offer a really interesting look into the lives and perspectives of different people. As an avid journal-keeper, I am all about it.

Augie and the Green Knight by Zach Weiner with illustrations by Boulet

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Year Published: 2014
# of ratings: 176
Avg rating: 4.16
My rating: 5

This book is hilarious and also really well-written and illustrated. It’s a retelling of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight from the perspective of the Green Knight and his sidekick, Augie. (Augie would say the Green Knight is her sidekick). I wish it had been around when I was a kid.

Why’d They Wear That?: Fashion as the Mirror of History by Sarah Albee

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Year Published: 2015
# of ratings: 169
Avg rating: 4.12
My rating: 4

A history through fashion covers two of my interests in one, and does so with great pictures.

Microshelters: 59 Creative Cabins, Tiny Houses, and Other Small Structures by Derek Diedricksen

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Year published: 2015
# of ratings: 146
Avg rating: 4.00
My rating: 5

This book was SUPER interesting, with lots of great pictures about how these tiny houses are constructed and manage to fit everything in.

No Place for a Lady: Tales of Adventurous Women Travelers by Barbara Hodgson

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Year Published: 2002
# of ratings: 111
Avg rating: 3.71
My rating: 5

I think about this book a lot. It tells the stories of a few brave women who decided to travel the world at a time when it wasn’t socially acceptable or safe for women to do so. Their observations are so interesting, and their ways of dealing with their detractors are informative even for modern life.

Teen Angst: A Celebration of Really Bad Poetry ed. Sara Bynoe

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Year Published: 2005
# of ratings: 59
Avg rating: 3.46
My rating: 4

Pretty much what it says on the cover, and you KNOW I am here for that.

African Princess: The Amazing Lives of Africa’s Royal Women by Joyce Hansen

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Year Published: 2004
# of ratings: 25
Avg rating: 4.08
My rating: 5

This book introduced me to some really cool historical figures I’d never heard of before! I wish I had been exposed to more African history beyond Ancient Egypt earlier in life.

The Barbarian Princess by Laura Buchanan (aka Florence King)

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Year published: 1978
# of ratings: 21
Avg rating: 3.95
My rating: 5

This book is what you get when a historian is forced to write a trashy romance novel to fund her alcoholism. Because that is exactly what it is. Set in the final days of the Roman Empire, the heroine meets a bunch of historical figures and also is like a reincarnated druid princess or something (you can pinpoint the exact chapter in the writing process where the author decided, fuck it, writing drunk is good enough). Despite all of its ridic flaws, it’s probably the most researched trashy romance novel I’ve ever read. And you know my credentials on that.

Foods That Make You Say MMM-MMM by Bob Garner

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Year Published: 2014
# of ratings: 18
Avg rating: 4.06
My rating: 4.00

Bob Garner reviews restaurants for our local PBS show, North Carolina Weekend, but he also knows a lot about the state’s food history. I learned a lot from this book, and there were some good recipes. More about it here.

The Knit Parade: 12 Statement Sweater Patterns, 12 Motifs to Meddle with by Wheres Me Jumper

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Year Published: 2013
# of ratings: 5
Avg rating: 3.60
My rating: 4

This is the book I read that taught me how to do this:

Look at this beast

Look at this beast

I didn’t include this as part of the ten, but felt like I should add as a post script:

The Knight, the Wizard, and the Lady Pig by Patricia R. Ladd

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Year Published: 2004
# of ratings: 4
Avg rating: 4.75
My rating: 5

Gotta give your own book 5 stars on GoodReads, guys.

Hate Book Club: Interview with the Vampire

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Brian and I read this book for Hate Book Club and then kind of forgot about it. For all the hype I’ve heard about it over the years, it’s a surprisingly forgettable book. Read his review here!

And it has this shitty cover

And it has this shitty cover

As always, I’ll begin by thinking of 3 compliments for the book.

1. It was published in 1976, but didn’t feel particularly dated.
2. It failed to scare me even a little bit at all so I had no nightmares while reading. Which I guess means it failed at being horror, but I think we all know this book is gothic romance.
3. This amazing description of a vampire:

The smooth white substance of his face moved with the infinitely flexible but minimal lines of a cartoon.(4)

I therefore pictured this whole book as a live-action/animation hybrid a la Who Framed Roger Rabbit?.

Here is a plot breakdown:

Lestat gets in a fight with his vampire boyfriend Louis and they end up turning a 5-year-old girl into a vampire despite the fact that we all know how Vampire Child Drama ends:

BADLY

BADLY

Louis and Child-Vamp Claudia kill Lestat and it’s weird. Then they go on a Vampire Journey of Self-Discovery through Europe, eventually ending up in Paris where they meet a group of older vampires led by Armand. Louis and Armand are in love, but SURPRISE Lestat isn’t dead and leads the other vampires to kill Claudia because she’s an abomination and also HOW COULD YOU LOVE YOUR CHILD BRIDE MORE THAN ME, LOUIS??? Louis escapes, The End.

The movie HAS to be better

The movie HAS to be better

Claudia was definitely the weirdest part of this book. Turned into a vampire as a five-year-old plague victim, she keeps the body of a child, but supposedly her mind matures into a woman in a child’s body. Louis is clearly in love with her, and everyone is creeped out by it forever. Especially me.

I was interested to see how popular this pairing was with fans, since a good portion of the book was Louis angsting on and on about how THEIR LOVE COULD NEVER BE BUT I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT HER. So I took a sample of around 80 Interview with the Vampire fanfics and recorded the pairing(s):

ffpairings

More than half of the works in fan literature feature the Louis/Lestat pairing, probably helped along by the fact that these Whiny McAssholes were played by Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt in the 1994 movie. Louis/Armand was the second most popular pairing, but it had only about a quarter of the fics Louis/Lestat had. Louis/Claudia was third most popular, featured in 11% of fics, some of which I noticed made disclaimers like “In my version Claudia is magically an adult.” Okay, if that helps you sleep at night. Lestat remains the most popular character for whatever reason (???people are big fans of fiery vengeance???) so the fourth most popular pairing was Lestat/Original Character (read: Author Insert). Three percent of fics featured Lestat/Claudia, and I found one fic each that featuered Lestat/Armand, Armand/Original Character, Lestat/Edward Cullen, and Lestat/Thomas Jefferson.

Let me repeat, the “TJ” in that graph stands for third president of the United States, Thomas Jefferson. I hope that fact made your day like it made mine.

In conclusion, this book was pretty atmospheric, kind of gory, and not at all scary. So to sum up in gif form:

blood

Don’t forget to read Brian’s review!
Previously: Hate Book Club: The Art of the Deal

Princess Celestia and the Summer of Royal Waves

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My Little Pony book report time again!!! This time we’re reading:

Princess Celestia and the Summer of Royal Waves

Princess Celestia and the Summer of Royal Waves

Summary of Amazingness
By Patricia
Princess Celestia is very busy ruling all of Equestria, running a magical school for unicorns, and raising the sun every day with her own magic. But when she receives a letter from her old friend Duchess Diamond Waves, she has to travel to the seaside duchy near Southern Prance called Monacolt to help. Duchess D thinks some scary monster attack is coming soon and only the magic of the young unicorns in her academy can save the kingdom! But her students are all failing her standardized tests so she’s hoping Princess C can help. Princess C is like “FIRST OF ALL, your magical hourglass that’s warning you about monsters seems hella sketchy. SECOND, your students are totes overworked and need some chillaxing time on the beach.” After a few of Princess Celestia’s building sand castle lessons, the students actually start performing magic well! But Duchess D is not convinced that mental health and scholastic aptitude are linked, probably because she’s already sunk so much of Monacolt’s resources into this standarized testing scheme. So Princess C stages a fake monster attack with a giant crab the size of a building in the middle of a beach party to show Duchess D what her students are really made of. Plus, that hour glass ends up being totally fake. The end.

So regal. So wise.

So regal. So wise.

Analysis within MLP Canon and Fanon
By Steven
Unlike the Pinkie Pie book, this one actually stepped outside of the familiar by basically taking a single underdeveloped canon character (Celestia) and tossing her wholesale into a new place populated by new characters, with new backstories, referencing other largely non-show-based canons. So basically there’s little point of comparison—ironic, given that I have a good deal more questions (and gripes) about this one than the last—since the show has yet to ever go into detail on other equine polities (or, really, any extra-Equestrian nations apart from Griffonstone and, to a lesser extent, Yak-yakistan).

Yak-yakistan gates

Tribal council? Rampage-ocracy? Viking warlord? Who knows.

All of which brings up the first question that this raises within the realm of canonicity, which is: what is the relationship between Equestria and Monacolt? Allied neighbors? Client state? Autonomous region? Feudal fiefdom? Actually, politics in Equestria have always been a little bit hazy, thanks to the show’s reliance on a direct diarchy of quasi-immortal alicorns with some sort of noble class hovering largely unseen off to one side.

(Side note: what does Prince Blueblood DO exactly?)

(Side note: what does Prince Blueblood DO exactly?)

So now we have a Duchess Diamond Waves, who is apparently a particular friend of Celestia’s from “when they were younger,” which raises all sorts of questions on its own, e.g. “Just how old is this Diamond Waves character?” Actually, there are a lot of references to things I’d like a little more detail about, like Prance, King Nautilus, and the apparently sentient Carcinus species. Then there’s the interesting notion of Celestia offering up a Latin prayer/thanks to the sun when raising it? Which seems more like some personal habit than any kind of necessary ritual (as we’ve seen her raise the sun multiple times without any accompanying invocations). As to the Latin itself, not even going to go there, but suffice to say it could use a verb somewhere. Still, nothing provably off there. Luna does seem oddly playful about her former role as Nightmare Moon, which the author supports by describing it as “after Luna had acted up and been banished to the moon” which plays well with her character in the comics canon more than the show canon, but that’s a toss-up as well.

Basically it’s hard to point any strong fingers at canon leakage and more a case where you end up shrugging and going, “Well, hopefully some of this shows up again somewhere in the show for confirmation.”

Patricia’s Favorites
Character: Twilight Sparkle, who is back home manning Canterlot magic school in Celestia’s absence. She is a total nerd who assigns hella summer reading because it was her favorite part of school, and “I treated some of them to a reading from Star Swirl’s Seven Principles of Unicorn Magic: Third Edition including some of the hoofnotes!”
Part: Duchess D wants her students to get serious, so anyone caught in the halls during class time is attacked by magical spiders. EDUCATION

I'm just trying to help you LEARN, Frodo

I’m just trying to help you LEARN, Frodo

Thing I Learned:Standardized testing is not the way to learn. The way to learn is to build sand castles and get fake-attacked by giant crabs.

Steven’s Favorites
Character: Discord, who appears only in a brief memory of a “prank” involving making himself invisible and following Celestia around for a week, repeating everything she says in a whisper. That’s comedy and/or horror gold right there!
Part: The frequent references to her shoes as “hoofcuffs,” the way she’s clearly changed her mind about Twilight’s friendship-spam mail, or the Monacolt-as-gambling-paradise reference. Can’t choose.
Thing I Learned: Basically, trolling and/or pranking is the way to run a country, and pulling one over on fellow monarchs is apparently a longstanding tradition.

Previously: Pinkie Pie and the Ponypalooza

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