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Goddess Girls: Athena the Wise

April 3rd, 2012 by pladd

This is the last Goddess Girls review for awhile! Still waiting for Book 7, Artemis the Loyal, at the library! And Book 8, Medusa the Mean comes out today!! I’m pretty excited to read something from Medusa’s point of view!

I don't know why Athena let Heracles be front and center on her own cover

Summary of Amazingness
By Patricia
Athena’s dad Zeus tells her to “help out” Mt. Olympus Academy’s newest student, a determined mortal named Heracles! Hercules must complete 12 Labors set by his lame cousin Eurystheus within one week to earn his place at MOA! Since Eurystheus is such a tool, the labors mostly involve catching or killing giant beasts, and Athena has her work cut out for her convincing Heracles to use his brains as well as his strength. Plus, since they’ve been spending so much time together, rumors are flying around school that they are in like with each other!!! How embarrassing! But could it be true?? Also, snotty mortal weaver Arachne challenges Athena to a weaving contest, and then weaves an insulting tapestry about Athena’s fly mom. So, pissed, Athena turns her into a spider as per her Revenge-ology textbook’s suggestion of “things to turn mortals into”.

Or, you know, just stab her face, whatever

Faithfulness to Original Mythos
By Steven
I admit, this one threw me for a bit of a loop; much as I love ragging on the mangled mythologies in these books, this one did a better than usual job of staying on target. So long as we overlook the bits made entirely out of whole cloth (Athena joining Hercules for half his tasks on Zeus’ assignment, Athena’s crush on Hercules and its attendant middle school drama, etc.), the only major departures from the original are those of omission. Hera is strikingly absent for a work about Hercules, and his parentage is (as usual for these books) tactfully not mentioned, but the Twelve Labors get a pretty decent coverage, albeit with slightly more interference from Athena than in the original. The tasks (not to mention Eurystheus) are rendered fairly bloodless, but this is a tween-age novel, so that’s to be expected. The only significant departure is actually not about Hercules at all, but rather regards Athena and Arachne; Arachne’s hubris is depicted fairly enough as is the spirit of her spiteful weaving (according to the Ovidian version, anyway), but the contents of both girls’ tapestries are rewritten extensively from the original. In Arachne’s case that makes sense for the book’s audience (her original is pretty much the laundry list of philandering shape-shifting gods shown in flagrante delicto), but Athena’s is changed from the original series of cautionary tales about contests between mortals and gods (and their inevitable outcomes) to Hercules’ labors, apparently as a later plot point. At least they kept the temple of the Twelve Olympians intact as the main piece. In summary, though, it’s pretty true to the story. Grab a copy of Ovid or Hesiod if you don’t believe me.

Steven read two actual books to write the above paragraph! This is why he's the expert

Tween Girl Life Lessons
By Patricia
1) Even if things seem impossible at first, there’s usually a tricky, riddle-like solution if you just use your brain.
2) Boys are strong, but kind of dumb.
3) Even if you like-like a boy, he should never try to kiss you under false pretenses.
4) In middle school, talking to a boy is a sign of betrothal.

Strong, but dumb

Steven’s Favorites!
Character: Tie between the Erymanthian Boar (or is that bore?) and Eurystheus, the cowardly king
Part: Zeus and his Cosmo-esque Temple Digest magazine. “Corinthian, Ionic, or Doric? What your choice of columns says about you!”
Thing I Learned: Little known fact; Revenge-ology is an exact science. Not sure about the proper response? Consult your text-scroll for handy tables!

Patricia’s Favorites!!
Character: Zeus. He only drinks “Zeus Juice”, which I think is code for ouzo, and sends Heracles on this ridic quest all to have something stylish to depict on his new temple’s walls.
Part: Athena defeats the hydra by confusing it with math!
Thing I Learned: The gods should sometimes show mercy to stupid mortals… j/k always turn them into animals lol!

Previously: Persephone the Phony

Or read them in order:
Book 1, Book 2, Book 3, Book 4, Book 5, Book 6

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Goddess Girls: Persephone the Phony

March 20th, 2012 by pladd

Book 2 of the Goddess Girls series! This time we finally get to hear from quiet, nature-loving Persephone. The Fluttershy of Goddess Girls, if you will.

I would've gone with Persephony, but whatever

Summary of Amazingness
By Patricia
Sometimes Persephone just wants a little peace and quiet, but finds herself following her mom’s advice “going along to get along” and not telling her friends what she really feels. Way to go, PersePHONY! Then she meets cute loner boy Hades and likes him because he calls her on her bullshit. But he’s from the underworld so both her mom and her friends tell her to STAY AWAY! Fed up with being told what to do, she decides to dramatically run away from home one night, using her goddess powers to disguise herself as an old lady and flee to Hades in the Underworld. He’s only worried about her safety and that her mom will think he kidnapped her (lol) so returns her home. After a heart to heart with her mom and her BFFs, Persephone and Hades attend the school dance together!

All a hilarious misunderstanding!

Faithfulness to Original Mythos
By Steven
Oh Persephone, you get such a bad rap in mythology *and* this book. However, while the book Persephone is meek, mild, and passive-aggressive in a way most of us will find very familiar, her mythological counterpart was anything but. Hades-as-emo-boy is also something of a stretch, though, since the original was much less emo and much more devious and aloof. Witness the downfall of Pirithous for a good example. Demeter as helicopter mom is pretty funny, and at least a little true, though this book gives it a slightly happier ending. Double points for including Hypnos and Thanatos in the underworld, though, and for avoiding the slippery slope of the Dantean Underworld that so many people fall into when trying to describe the Greco-Roman version. And points again for Hades’ subterranean (tunneling?) chariot. All in all, this one did a better job than most of putting in the details with less inventive fluff. Kudos!

A slippery slope

Tween Girl Life Lessons
By Patricia
1) If your parents and your friends disapprove of your boyfriend, that makes him EVEN BETTER because clears you are starcrossed lovers!!
2) Running away from home and other desperate bids for attention always work.
3) Cemeteries are the hipster hangout of the pantheon (or maybe Olympian make out point?)

Steven’s Favorites!
Character: The shades in Tartarus. “And anyway, even if I did take the food and money, I needed it more than those orphans!”
Part: Persephone’s attempt to sneak back home after running away to the Underworld. Breadstyx and nectar water for comfort food!
Thing I Learned: Apparently, in ancient Greece, they were called “chariot moms.”

Chariot moms just need to learn to give their daughters a little space

Patricia’s Favorites!!
Character: Hades. I am all about his portrayal as a sad, misunderstood emo kid.
Part: Ares taunts Hades by calling him “Death Boy”, which would be a pretty good name for a band.
Thing I Learned: Charon is surprisingly easily fooled for a guardian of the land of the dead

Previously: Athena the Brain
Next:: Athena the Wise

Or, if you want to read them in book order Book 1, Book 2, Book 3, Book 4, Book 5, Book 6

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Goddess Girls: Athena the Brain

March 12th, 2012 by pladd

This is actually the first book in the Goddess Girls series!! I assumed maybe it would clear up some of the confusion I’ve had during the other volumes, but alas. Still no explanation for Athena’s mom being a fly.

I'm super sad that Poseidon doesn't have turquoise skin on the cover

Summary of Amazingness
By Patricia
Athena gets a letter revealing that Zeus is her dad!! And inviting her to attend prestigious Mt. Olympus Academy! So she says goodbye to her beloved foster sister Pallas and heads off for intellectual adventure! Of course she’s nervous and confused; why are the classes on such weird topics? Why is Medusa such a mean girl? Why is her mom a fly? But she quickly makes friends with the other main Goddess Girl characters, tries out for the cheerleading squad, and decides to invent something cool for mortals to win the invention fair. Medusa STEALS one of the inventions, a shampoo, and ends up with snake hair that can turn mortals to stone. Luckily Athena tricks her into using it on herself. She accidentally wins the invention fair with her amazing olives, and wins as her prize the chance to invite her friend Pallas for the weekend! Yay bffs!! Bffs we never hear about again.

Faithfulness to Original Mythos
By Steven
First things first, why is Pallas some mortal girlfriend of Athena’s? Pallas (as a contemporary of Athena) in the mythology almost always refers to the Gigante (or giant) Pallas, or Pallas son of Lycaon who was one of her early teachers. The former she imprisoned underground and the latter she accidentally killed, so either way I can see why they’d avoid the subject, but why introduce a spurious character altogether? And anyway, Pallas is usually a cognomen of Athena, as in Pallas Athena or just Pallas for short. Points for Odysseus and the Trojan Horse, and I like their version of how Medusa got her snaky hair (hint: Athena was involved, yes, and so was Medusa’s crush on Poseidon, but the reason was a lot sexier than an accidental shampoo mixup), but points off again for their Metis-as-fly idea. Sure, Metis was tricked into her fly shape and swallowed by Zeus, but she is not, intrinsically, a fly. Nor were they, after that event, on particularly good terms. And then there’s the whole born-fully-grown-and-clothed-in-armor-of-bronze bit missing… All in all, four stars for fun, two stars for accuracy. Not the worst start, really.

When Steven writes a book series for tween girls, you can bet this is the first thing that's going down

Tween Girl Life Lessons
By Patricia
1) BFF 4 LYFE! Or at least for the first book in the series
2) You shouldn’t crush on a boy who thinks he’s smarter than you when you are clears the Goddess of Wisdom–what a douche
3) Girls can do science!!
4) When disasters happen to mean people, it’s okay not to save them

Steven’s Favorites!
Character: Medusa, hands down. Her bitchiness is only equaled by her snark. Good combination.
Part: The magical brainstorm and its ensuing rain of ships!
Thing I Learned: Trident gum was named by Poseidon so that none of us would ever forget it’s called a Trident, not a pitchfork.

Patricia’s Favorites!!
Character: Poseidon! His invention is a water park, you guys! And he has turquoise skin!
Part: Medusa and her sisters taunt Athena with this inventive chant: “Give me an F! Give me an L! Give me a Y! What’s that spell? Athena’s mom!”
Thing I Learned: At MOA, all trophies are painstakingly carved from stone by Zeus, so the school trophy case must look like a collection created out of Playdoh by a preschooler with giant, awkward hands.

Previously: Aphrodite the Diva
Next:: Persephone the Phony

Or, if you want to read them in book order Book 1, Book 2, Book 3, Book 4, Book 5, Book 6

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Goddess Girls: Aphrodite the Diva

February 17th, 2012 by pladd

Summary of Amazingness
By Patricia
Aphrodite needs some extra credit in Hero-ology ASAP after accidentally starting that unfortunate Trojan War. So she decides to use her powers to help lonely mortals find love! Due to a mail delivery mix-up (thanks, rhyming magical winds), she and Isis, the Egyptian goddess of love, both end up trying to help the same mortal, Pygmalion. So they get into a crush-finding contest made more difficult by the fact that Pygmalion is a self-centered jerk! In the end, he confesses to being totally in love with this statue he’s made, and the two goddesses work together to bring her to life… in reward for his… jerkiness? Also, Metis the Fly Mom left Zeus for another fly, so Aphrodite helps him get together with Hera! She also finds love for Medusa (Dionysus), Pandora (Poseidon), Mr. Cyclops (Cleo, three-eyed makeup store owner), and herself (Ares!). She and Isis decide to be love goddess BFFs. The end!

You thought Egyptian goddess faces would look less insectoid? Fool!

Faithfulness to Original Mythos
By Steven
Basically the only thing any part of this had in common with an actual mythical storyline was that Aphrodite was responsible for Pygmalion’s statue, Galatea, coming to life and being his wife (and even then, the name ‘Galatea’ is only a later historical assignment to said statue). Oh, there are other minor characters and events that mirror mythological tradition, like Medusa’s crush on Poseidon (see how she got to be Medusa in the first place according to later myth…) or Pygmalion’s residence on Cyprus. But mostly, 2 thumbs down for accuracy. The Egyptian connection has no basis in myth, Cairo wasn’t founded until the 10th century A.D., Aphrodite’s Egyptian counterpart would have been Hathor, not Isis, and Hera was Zeus’s sister-wife, not some shopkeeper with a crush. Oh well.

Steven's just mad about Cairo because it was my guess for what "C" stood for and he hates losing

Tween Girl Life Lessons
By Patricia
1) If you love a fake thing hard enough and annoy those around you with it, eventually it will become REAL! I assume this is what Twihards are aiming for.
2) You can be friends with someone despite disagreeing on things like the afterlife or whether dogs are better than cats.
3) Ignore all jerkiness from the past. If a cute guy starts sending you badly-rhymed secret admirer notes, you are required to fall in love with him again.
4) There’s someone for everyone. Even if their hair is made of snakes.

Patricia’s Favorites!!!
Character: Artemis. She can declare a friendship finished because DOGS ARE SO BETTER THAN CATS WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
Part: Ares’ romantic love song. It includes genius lyrics like “I was on your side in the Trojan War, when I think of you I think “amour”.”
Thing I Learned: Hera totally got a bad rap in Greek mythology, you guys! Turns out, she’s not the ur-bitch! She’s just tough but fair.

Tried to find a picture for you of Hera being a bitch that I could caption sarcastically, but the first page of google images had nothing, so here's her chillin with Prometheus

Steven’s Favorites
Character: Dionysus. Because you can be a sleaze and still get the girls as long as you’re not picky.
Part: The immortal matchmaker quizzes! Apparently knowing your favorite animal is the first step to finding your true love!
Thing I Learned: Ra gives underwater (underground?) sunboat rides if you’re there in time to catch him.

I think Steven is being sarcastic, but I have ANCIENT EGYPTIAN PROOF so there

Next Time: Athena the Brain!!
Previously: Artemis the Brave

Or read them in order: Book 1, Book 2, Book 3, Book 4, Book 5, Book 6

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Goddess Girls: Artemis the Brave

February 7th, 2012 by pladd

Steven and I are speeding through this Goddess Girls series (probably because it was written for 12-year-olds)!! This week we read Book 4, Artemis the Brave! Artemis is a much shyer, less ridiculous main character than Aphrodite, so she was less entertaining.

Summary of Amazingness
By Patricia
A cute but arrogant boy named Orion has transferred to Mt. Olympus Academy!! Just like Artemis, he really likes dogs, but he barely has any time for his because he’s too busy scheming to become a star on the stage! After cheating his way into the lead in the school play, Orion pisses everyone off by being such a self-centered jerk, except Artemis who thinks he’s just misunderstood. But when he steals her magical silver arrows to win the school archery contest, she has had ENOUGH and gives up her crush, apologizing to her brother and friends for blowing them all off. Orion ends up bailing on the play, but then comes back at the last minute and Zeus lets him play the part of the “stars” by taping lights to him and hanging him from the ceiling. Get it?? GET IT???

You had no idea Greek mythology had so many puns, did you?

Faithfulness to Original Mythos
By Steven
This one got a lot more metaphorical with any reference to the original myths. So Orion enters the story as a possible love interest for Artemis, but ends up as a star. That much is shared by both the book and the myth, but at any level more detailed than that it breaks down considerably. Orion does get the rivalry of Apollo, but doesn’t have his mythic prowess with the bow. He does face the Scorpion, but isn’t killed and Artemis intervenes rather than being on the scorpion’s side. He does have Sirius, his canine companion and familiar star, but he isn’t shot in the end by Artemis, though she does leave him to his fate. Apollo’s failed romance with Daphne shows up as well, albeit without her turning into a tree. Apart from that, the rest is just cameos by familiar characters and monsters, like Geryon and Echidna.

Typical middle school relationship drama

Tween Girl Life Lessons
By Patricia
1) If your friends think your new crush is a jerk, he probably is
2) Don’t let a guy take over your life–you still have time for archery practice!
3) Bravery is about doing something despite your fear!
4) Theater geeks ruin everything

Well, they do

Patricia’s Favorites!!!
Character: Pandora!! The text describes her as having “blue and gold bangs shaped like a question mark because she’s so curious”. How do you shape your bangs like a question mark???
Part: Orion is mortal but wants to sparkle like the gods, so he buys shimmering body glitter called “Godbod” and slathers it on himself constantly.
Thing I Learned: Athena’s mom is a fly that lives inside Zeus’ head. No more explanation is given.

Seems legit

Steven’s Favorites
Character: Ms. ThreeGraces. Combining the Charites into a single Beauty-ology teacher is only too appropriate.
Part: The archery; apparently you have to train your arrows beforehand for them to work correctly?
Thing I Learned: Apparently you can go from being the dragon guardian of the Garden of the Hesperides to being a crafty Beast-ology teacher. The Greeks gods clearly knew a thing or two about lateral job mobility.

Next Time: Aphrodite the Diva!!
Previously: Aphrodite the Beauty

Or read them in order: Book 1, Book 2, Book 3, Book 4, Book 5, Book 6

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Goddess Girls: Aphrodite the Beauty

January 31st, 2012 by pladd

Middle School Book Reports just got a whole lot more awesome because I have successfully connived Steven Wiggins into helping me!!! I’m sure he wouldn’t have agreed if the book series in question wasn’t all about different Greco-Roman gods and goddesses in middle school! It’s called Goddess Girls by Joan Holub and Suzanne Williams! Clearly Steven wanted to be the first classics major to really make a close study of this groundbreaking new text in the field.

You can tell he's secretly enjoying himself

Props to Caitlin for convincing me to read all of these!! Well, she mainly just posted a link to it on my facebook wall, clearly well aware that I require almost no convincing to read ridiculous tween book series based somehow on really violent and sexually explicit ancient source material! Of course I immediately checked out as many as the library had available. Therefore I’m not reading them in any order–this one is actually book 3–but they each seem to be a separate story so Steven and I were not completely bewildered. Well, Steven was, but that was mostly about the term “godboy”.

I can't be the only one weirded out by her gigantic insect eyes, right?

Summary of Amazingness
By Patricia
Aphrodite decides to give her frumpy friend Athena a makeover!! But then gets super jealous when school hottie Ares, her secret crush, starts paying more attention to her friend! Plus, Hephaestus, a sweet but ugly boy keeps sending her flowers and gifts to woo her and making everyone gossip about how they’re an item when everyone knows Aphrodite has got STANDARDS, you guys. Everyone learns a lesson about true love and being honest by helping Hippomenes trick his way into Atalanta’s arms, and Athena reveals that sleazy Ares just wanted her advice on how to get a city named after him. Then Aphrodite sets Hephaestus up with some other nerdy chick and everyone lives happily ever after.

Thetis is all like "Make me some armor for my son or I'll stuff you into a locker, NERD"

Faithfulness to Original Mythos
By Steven
Okay, so firstly let’s ignore the whole middle school metaphor thing. Or that in this continuity the instructors (Principal Zeus, Mr. Cyclops, et al.) are supposed to be >= 1 generation in age and stature above the students (Athena, Atlas, Pandora, etc.). The characters mentioned are all more or less representative of their Greek originals–with the juicy bits left out–and there were a few standouts outside the normal range of the Pantheon. Props to the author for including not just Medusa, but also her sisters Euryale and Stheno, and double props for providing Ares the posse of Kydoimos (confusion in battle) and Makhai (spirits of battle), even though none of the above are really provided any back story. Small mistake in making Makhai singular (it refers to the brethren of spirits associated with battle, including Kydoimos) but otherwise pretty accurate. The Atalanta story is pretty spot on and Hephaestus’ loss of Aphrodite to Ares and subsequent matchup with Agleia is quasi-accurate as well, if missing the whole sex-in-a-net thing. Small demerit (or prop? I can’t decide) for “Arachne’s Sewing Supplies” in the Immortal Market, where Athena goes for yarn and needles; isn’t that sort of bad taste on Athena’s part? Four out of five stars for accuracy, the fifth being that I can’t get over this middle school metaphor! And the term “godboy”, of course.

Tween Girl Life Lessons
By Patricia
1) Every girl is super hot if you just restyle her hair and slather on enough makeup!
2) If you don’t like the way your friends look, just change them!
3) Beauty-ology is a completely serious class that you need to study; Athena, as a nerd, is completely failing!
4) If someone’s not hot enough to be your BF (and it’s totally okay to judge them on their looks or disabilities, btws) just string them along for awhile until you can set them up with someone more their scene

Patricia’s Favorites!!!
Character: Medusa! Her snake hair is fab and she’s fatally dangerous to all mortal students at the school, but no one seems worried about that? Plus, she thinks “Bubbles” is an appropriately mean-spirited nickname for the Goddess of Love.
Part: Anytime anyone says a spell. Example: “Blow wind, blow. Off you go. Deliver this message, and don’t be slow.” Even Ron Weasley wouldn’t have trouble with that one!
Thing I Learned: I didn’t know that Hephaestus got married after his divorce from Aphrodite (in the book represented by him going over to talk to some other girl in the cafeteria)! Which is cool because I always felt bad for him before.

Her hair's so big because it's full of SECRETS. And snakes.

Steven’s Favorites
Character: The sentient makeup brush, hands down. Goodbye Pantheon, hello Beauty and the Beast! Pheme (goddess of Fame but also vicious rumor) gets a mention, too, if only for being written closest to her original form.
Part: The Immortal Marketplace: Arachne’s Sewing Supplies and Cleo’s (Cleopatra?) Cosmetics for the girls and Arts of Warfare for the boys.
Thing I Learned: I learned that adding “-ology” to any term immediately makes it an Immortal class subject. I’m now shooting for “Mortal-ology,” hopefully this series’ answer to HP’s “Muggle Studies.”

Goddess Girls Glossary of Ridiculous Terms
textscroll–like a textbook, but a scroll! Comes in colors
scrollizine–a magazine! Useful for getting makeover inspiration
godboy–the boy equivalent of a “goddessgirl”
lyrebell–how you tell when to change classes!
hero-ology
beauty-ology
craft-ology
beast-ology
metal-ology

Next Time: Artemis the Brave!!

Or read them in order: Book 1, Book 2, Book 3, Book 4, Book 5, Book 6

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2011 Book List: The Ugly

January 2nd, 2012 by pladd

To complete my 2011 book list, where I vowed to give you The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, here’s the Ugly list! Where I pass judgement over book covers that I’ve had to stare at for varying lengths of time this year.

Annie on my Mind by Nancy Garden

The rest of these won’t be in any order, but I really think this is the ugliest cover I’ve had to stare at this year. It’s a 1982 novel about two high school girls discovering their feelings for each other, and is actually really sweet. I could see it still being enjoyed by readers today, if this cover doesn’t completely turn them off. Hello, lumberjack vests!

Elixir "by" Hilary Duff

Obvs you don’t want the cover art taking away from the real selling point, Hilary Duff’s name, but I feel like I could have made a better one for this book in MSPaint. It’s just a clipart picture of a flower, copied and slightly rotated. Step it up, Hilary Duff’s publicist.

Speaking of covers influenced by Twilight, here are three more:

Sleepless by Cyn Balog

Flowers have something to do with sandmen right?

Bones of Faerie by Janni Lee Simner

If you’re going to go with one thing on black, at least make it a fairy skeleton!

The Purity Myth by Jessica Valenti

This was a pretty great non-fiction book by an author who, I’m pretty sure, would completely hate Bella Swan and her representation of femininity. The cover is actually fine on its own, but it earns a place on this list for reminding me of Twilight every time I have to look at it, something you know I can never forgive.

Stork by Wendy Delsol

BLARGHARGHBLARGHRAWR STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT, YOU FREAK

The Fairy Godmother by Mercedes Lackey

I’m usually against any book cover where the author name is larger than the title, but this one has other problems too. That font? The attack sparkles? I can’t take it.

Black Hole by Charles Burns

Oh, teeth.

One Butt Cheek at a Time by Amber Kizer

So, I could be wrong, but I think this is the book I read this year that was kind of put together from lots of different suggestions from the author’s blog. I know I read something like that, and hated it, and this cover kind of looks like it was haphazardly designed by the same committee, so I’m going to say it was this one.

The Wedding by Danielle Steel

With the full panoply of Microsoft Office 95 wedding clipart available to you, you chose that?

Hot Gimmick vol. 1 by Miki Aihara

Are your lips deformed? Is your mouth oddly open? I can’t decide which is weirder, but either way it’s ugly.

Lush by Natasha Friend

It’s a book about alcoholism; you had so many options! And you chose random cookie cut out on Carolina Blue. Ugh.

Alanna: The First Adventure by Tamora Pierce

Y’all know I love a good Tamora Pierce, but these new covers they got at the library are graspin. What’s wrong with your face, Alanna? Are you a vampire?

Wild Magic by Tamora Pierce

Daine, you’re having horse-fever hallucinations again.

The Will of the Empress by Tamora Pierce

Either her creepy all-seeing eyes fill the jaundiced sky or she has a huge and really embarrassingly shaped pimple on her nose.

The DUFF by Kody Keplinger

I actually think this cover is kind of appropriate for this book, but that still doesn’t mean I want to look at it.

Hayate the Combat Butler by Kenjiro Hata

You can’t give me a title like that and then just slap a picture of some annoying girl on there. I need to see some combat butlering!

Texas Gothic by Rosemary Clement-Moore

You know I love Rosemary Clement-Moore, but this cover really bothered me (luckily I read the book so fast, it wasn’t for long!). Amy! Close your mouth! Fix your hair! How are you supposed to fight the forces of darkness when you can’t even see straight and you’re choking on bugs??

Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children by Ransom Riggs

I didn’t like this book, and I think one of the big reasons is that the cover deceived me. This book is not a creepy-child horror story. This book is about time travel and a considerably more lame version of the X-men.

Already started my list for 2012!!!

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2011 Book List: The Bad

December 23rd, 2011 by pladd

As I explained previously, I’m giving you the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly of my reading list this year! Here are the worst books I’ve read, which I found because they have the lowest star rating I could give on GoodReads (1).


The Wedding by Danielle Steel
Can two people who are vaguely different make it? Yes, because they have so much boring in common! I read this for class because it was a bestseller (I think in the 90s?). The main character is a Mary Sue named Allegra, and I can’t remember anything else about it besides that I hated her and wanted her to get attacked by flesh-eating bees. Sadly, she got married instead. ONE STAR.


The Birthing House by Christopher Ransom
A creepy ghost whose only power is surprise pregnancy. Terrifying, yes, but not what I want out of my ghost stories. ONE STAR.


Stork by Wendy DelSol
I did a more detailed hate-writeup of this here, but it’s basically Twilight, but with surprise pregnancy instead of vampires. ONE STAR.


Callie’s Rules by Naomi Zucker
I really don’t remember anything about this book or why I hated it. I think it had something to do with the town banning Halloween. Unless that debate involves wild accusations of cannibalism and someone counterattacking with how pagan all Christmas traditions are, I don’t care. ONE STAR.


Twenty Times a Lady by Karyn Bosnak
This book made me sad for women everywhere. Clearly revisiting all your ex-boyfriends because of the arbitrary advice from Cosmo is the best life plan after getting fired. Sure, they were jerks before, but I’m sure they’ve all changed since then. NEGATIVE ONE THOUSAND STARS.


Bones of Faerie by Janni Lee Simner
All I can remember is everyone talking about a way cool fairy/human war that would have made a much better book than this. ONE STAR.


Narcissus in Chains by Lauren K. Hamilton
For some reason, having sex in public is the answer to most of the heroines problems. Also a vampire and a werewolf are vying for her affections. I think my brain has blocked out everything but that. ONE STAR.


Pornified by Pamela Paul
I took off a lot of points for misleading summaries of research and really unscientific research methods. Also I think I was suspicious of a lot of her sources, since I read all of the citations after becoming increasingly skeptical of her findings. (A Billion Wicked Thoughts, which I also read this year, covers porn in much more interesting and scientific way. ONE STAR.


The Alpha Bet by Stephanie Hale
college has only two sororities! One is pure evil and the other is perfect and amazing and fun and everyone is so nice!!! ONE STAR.


One Butt Cheek at a Time by Amber Kizer
I honestly don’t remember anything about this book or why I didn’t like this. But I know I did. I’m going to guess I found the main character irritating.


The Society of Unrelenting Vigilance or Candle Man by Glenn Dakin
I still can’t tell which is the series title and which is the book title. This book annoyed me so much that I actually wrote a review on GoodReads! Here is what it said:

I really wanted to like this book. The title definitely hooked me, and I was interested to see why the main character, Theo, was being imprisoned by the clearly evil Dr. Saint. Unfortunately, the plot quickly slowed to a series of random events which did not mesh seamlessly (or really at all) into a whole plot. Theo himself is completely unlikeable, spending most of the book scared, unsure of himself, and not understanding what is going on around him, making his a very poor narrative point of view. His sidekick, Chloe, is mainly used as a deus ex machina. Each time the author writes himself into a corner–SURPRISE! Chloe is a double agent with secret connections, Chloe has memorized the secret system of tunnels, Chloe has been fighting the evil Society of Good Works since she was six! I can tell the author wants me to find Chloe funny, exciting, and awesome–mostly because Theo spends the whole book telling me she is–but I never found a good enough reason to care about her. I also spent most of the novel confused about the time period. The narrative had a very steampunk feel, but at one point someone hands Theo a laptop. Dakin’s attempt at world-building seems haphazard at best. At the end, a very minor character dies, and we’re told by a tearful Chloe that this character “was the real hero of the story”. Unfortunately, this is true, as this character–appearing in probably two scenes at most and doing nothing in either–was by far my favorite, since she hadn’t appeared often enough to be annoying. What was she like? I have no idea, but almost anything would be better than the “heroes” we have. Hopefully some of these issues are cleared up in the sequel, but I can’t see myself attempting to slog through more of Dakin’s uninspired prose to read.


Vanish by Sophie Jordan
This is the sequel to Firelight, which James convinced me to read. Jacinda spends most of it whining about everything that happens, even when she gets her way. Also, I don’t understand why people who can turn into dragons are so scared of normal humans. YOU CAN TURN INTO A DRAGON. One star.

 

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