Graduating Rice in three years is hard. It’s hard, specifically, to fit in all the cool/dumb stuff college students in Houston are supposed to do. I only got 75% of the shenaniganery, 75% of the bad ideas for Fourth Meals, 75% of the totally unnecessary personal drama. Also, I graduated before turning 21.
This past weekend, my old roommate Rory and I created a Houston Bucket List of Stuff We Really Should Have Done By Now, and then we did them all. Here’s that list, plus a few other Essential Rice Experiences I finally got around to in the years after graduating. They’re mixed together randomly. Also, they’re graded.
Going to Beer Bike. Freshman Year: old friend from elementary school arrived in Houston during Beer Bike. Missed it. Sophomore Year: lived off-campus, slept until 11 a.m. Final Year: it rained.
Two years after graduation, my chance finally came. The Rice alumni tent was the best part, anyway, because it had free St. Arnold beer. It doesn’t anymore. You have to pay for it.
The bike race was kinda fun, and some of the old alumni were fun to catch up with. Some of the other ones were more of the “ugh, I was hoping not to see you” category. Probably not worth it now that the drinks aren’t free. Grade: B-
The sculpture in front of Rothko Chapel is dedicated to Martin Luther King. Let’s ask Patricia’s dad what it means!
The Rothko Chapel. Houston’s modern architecture sanctuary for meditation, with all-black paintings by Mark Rothko. This is one of the few times where Rothko paintings have worked for me, because they’re explicitly placed in a setting meant for quiet contemplation. Also, the chapel has copies of all the sacred books, including Baha’i, which is cool.
“This would be a good place to think about a major life decision,” I told Rory.
“This is a great place to dress like a Goth and stare disapprovingly at everybody,” two girls told us inside. Only they didn’t tell us. They just dressed like Goths and stared disapprovingly at us. Grade: A-
Complain about how Rice sucks now. First, there’s that giant mound of dirt in the middle of campus that they call public art. Then I picked up a copy of the Rice Thresher and discovered that the calendar section, which I once lovingly wrote every single week, is completely gone. Gone! The calendar that I once used to create an acrostic that read PLADD IS WATCHING YOU! All gone!
FEEL THE WRATH OF MY RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION, THRESHER OFFICE
But you know, there’s something about complaining that’s self-validating. My Rice Was Better Than Your Rice. These young punks are dum-dums. Grade: C+
The Byzantine Fresco Chapel. It doesn’t have any Byzantine Frescos. They should rename it the Byzantine Fresca Chapel and put in a vending machine. Grade: F
Valhalla. Rice’s graduate student bar is the best bar in Houston. I could have spent half my senior year there. Craft beer for $1! Ugh. Never graduate when you’re 20.
The only downside is this is another place where you can encounter awkward fellow alumni you were planning to never meet again. This did happen once. I downed my drink and ran away and that solved the problem. Grade: A+
Wandering around the University of St. Thomas. This made me feel smug about going to Rice. Grade: C
Although they do have a cool labyrinth. Nice job, University of St. Thomas. You beat Rice at having a labyrinth!
Seeing a Houston Dynamo game. In 2006 and 2007, they won the MLS Cup for best soccer team in America. From 2007-2010, I went to zero of their games. But they have such a cool stadium now! And the fans are adorably rabid! And there’s a big band playing rally songs! Oh, past me, you were such a fool. Grade: A
Driving a car in Houston. This is why Patricia had to drive me to the Turkish grocery store in college. Cuz I knew the terrors that awaited me outside of Rice’s squirrel-lined confines. Also cuz I didn’t have a car. I do now, and blerg. Grade: D
The Beer Can House. As everyone in Houston knew, except Rory and me, the Beer Can House is a house that is completely covered in beer cans. Also, the gate and fence are made of beer cans, and there are beer can decorations and wind chimes. It was all the labor of one bored retired guy whose wife never got around to stopping him.
Beer Can House Guy is long dead now, but he seems like he would have been fun to hang out with. Here is a picture of him.
This, clearly, is a man of substance.
There is a $5 charge to walk on the property, but it’s totally worth it for Houston’s most Houstony tourist attraction. And they have postcards! Grade: A+
The Breakfast Klub. Actually, I still haven’t been there. Yikes! Grade for my personal achievements: F-
I posit that unless you participated in the water balloon fight, you did not fully experience Beer Bike.
Probably very true!
Great article! Reminds me of the one you wrote for the Standard in 09, “60 Reasons Houston is Cooler than New York”.
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My Rice Bucket List mainly consisted of taking naps in various buildings around campus. No letter grade for completion, though. The naps were their own reward.