The Plaid Pladd

Now that we’ve moved to a nicer place, I feel like I’ve taken some important steps towards becoming a For Real Adult. For instance:

1. Adults own guest beds

No longer do overnight visitors have to sleep on the floor or the couch (unless they want to), because I am now the proud owner of a guest bed:

It may actually be more comfortable than my real bed.

2. Adults have sensible bath mats and those fuzzy things for the toilet seat. And they match

Previously I bought bath mats based on considerations like “THAT ONE IS SHAPED LIKE A MONKEY!!!!” But with this apartment, I went with things that actually had a chance of matching each other.

And got one of those fuzzy things too because it seemed like the kind of thing you do when you’re 27

3. Adults schedule their next appointment at the end of their last one

I’m mainly thinking of haircuts here. In the past, I would get haircuts whenever I was stressed or my hair started giving me headaches AND I’d scrounged together enough time and money to do so. When the receptionist asked if I would like to make my next appointment, I would go “Pfffff I don’t know what I’m doing next week, let alone in two months.” NOT ANYMORE!

GOTTA LOOK SO GOOD

4. Adults are friendly to their neighbors

Instead of just making up stories about the people I see in the parking lot and passive aggressively hating Loud Music Guy, I’ve actually taken time to be friendly to my neighbors! This involves a decorated front door:

Ta Da!

And giving them Christmas cookies!! And I got some in return!!! Yay friendship! Well, friendly acquaintanceship. I’m only 27, I’ll take it.

5. Adults own full-size ironing boards

Chilling here with his little brother

Some adult things I will probably never do

Alas, I’m not a For Real Adult yet, and if these are actual requirements, I may never be:

1. Adults use one set of bed linens at a time. Because otherwise it looks crazy

I’m not apologizing for being comfortable

True, it LOOKS crazy, but it’s way more comfortable, sleeping-wise. Why share blankets with someone you don’t have to? Marriage should be about leveling up, not never sleeping comfortably again.

2. Adults sort their laundry

TV and movies have taught me that adults sort things into “whites” and “darks” and “colors” and maybe some other arcane categories??? It didn’t really make sense to do this in college, when I never had more than one load of laundry anyway, and none of my clothes suffered any ill-effects. So I’ve never done it, and you can’t convince me it makes a difference at all.

3. Adults can talk on the phone without being weird about it

UGH WHY CAN’T YOU JUST TEXT ME LIKE A NORMAL PERSON WHAT

And leaving a voicemail, forget about it