Sorry it’s been so long, gang! I can’t believe it’s been 3 months since my last Sam Neill update! Unfortunately, we’re almost done with this project! My spreadsheet says 94% complete! But will I ever really be done watching Sam Neill movies? Yeah, right. I’LL QUIT WHEN YOU DO, SAM. I haven’t decided what kind of party I’m going to throw for myself for the sort-of completion of this project, but it will probably involve some kind of greatest hits reel and definitely cupcakes. Get pumped!
The Horse Whisperer (1998)
They should have just named this movie “Shots of Montana with Sad Music”
The Movie: After a tragic horse accident, Grace has lost part of her leg, her best friend, and apparently her horse. It is freaking out, y’all! Then, despite the perfectly reasonable protests of her husband, Mom MacLean decides to take the horse and her daughter on a cross country road trip to the middle of nowhere to work with a “horse whisperer” whom she then of course falls in love with. But their love CAN NEVER BE because they are from two different worlds etc. etc.
I’m upset too, Sam. This movie was over 2 hours of scenery shots
The Character: Sam Neill is, once again, the cuckolded husband. I feel like this must just be on his resume. “Good at playing: 1) Crazy people, 2) Mild-mannered cuckolds, 3) the vaguely sinister”. And, like in other movies where his wife cheats on him, you can’t hate him (I can never hate him), so I ended up being really annoyed at his wife the entire time. Why are you trying to break Sam Neill’s heart?? Cowboy doesn’t want you, anyway. Eventually Sam Neill takes his daughter and her healed horse back home, and everyone except him learns a valuable lesson about not getting so caught up in the hectic New York lifestyle and taking time to relax with family. Sam Neill didn’t learn anything because he is perfect.
Thing I Learned: You can’t work remotely from Montana if you’re the editor of a big New York City magazine before the Internet was a thing.
Should You Watch This?: No. It’s hella boring. And both of the “romantic” characters are annoying and not-hot.
In Cold Blood (1996 TV miniseries)
Sam Neill!!! You look so good in a fedora!!
The Movie: This TV miniseries was based on the Truman Capote “nonfiction novel” of the same name, about the real-life murder of a small town ranch family. Unfortunately, Netflix only sent me one disk, and when I tried to turn it over to watch the second half (which…. what? This is not a record, you guys) it didn’t work. So I’ve only seen the first two hours, which is the long, drawn out setup before the murder that ends with the family being locked in their bathroom while the two bad guys search their house for riches that aren’t there. It was pretty good for a miniseries, but spent way too long establishing that the good guys were good and the bad guys were bad. There was an interesting subplot about the daughter being in love with a boy from a different religion (read: another kind of Christianity! Scandalous!) and not being allowed to date him anymore.
Sam Neill, about to eat some pie
The Character: Sam Neill was barely in the first part of this miniseries, although imdb tells me that he will leap into action in the second part to solve this murder! So he must be like some kind of detective or something? I think the fact that Sam Neill was barely in this made it even more excruciating to sit through, because I kept waiting for him to appear only to be denied!
Thing I Learned: If you’re an award-winning cherry pie maker, you better be ready for random school children to drop by at any time, just bursting with hope to be filled with your pie knowledge.
Should you watch this?: No. I mean, maybe I would change my mind if I had seen the whole thing, but it would have to be pretty damn spectacular to make up for the lackluster two hour buildup.
The Hunter (2011)
I told you Willem Dafoe would be back!
The Movie: This was definitely my favorite of this batch! I still probably wouldn’t have chosen to watch it on my own, but I was interested to see where it was going, since it really wasn’t following a set formula like the other two. Plus, I was happy to see Willem Dafoe team up with Sam Neill again. You may remember him from Victory or Daybreakers, which I watched before. Willem Dafoe is some kind of bounty hunter (an animal bounty hunter?) that a sketchy corporation hires and sends into the wilds of Tasmania to kill the last Tasmanian tiger, which was previously thought to be extinct. Then he’ll take samples of its skin and blood and whatever back to them, and they can use it to patent medicine? Or something? This part wasn’t clear, the point is: Willem Dafoe is looking to kill that tiger, and nothing is going to get in his way!
Except when he gets too involved with the family he’s staying with–a kind of hippie single mom and her two children, struggling after their husband/dad went missing in the very wilderness he’s searching for the tiger. Surprise! He was working for Evil Corporation too, and then they killed him! Just like they try to kill Willem Dafoe when it looks like he’s going to betray them and Do The Right Thing! But Willem Dafoe is too badass for that, kills their assassin, kills the tiger, and leaves them a phone message that’s just “Now you’ll never get what you want. Don’t mess with me, I was a fucking vampire”. Okay, maybe not the last part. Unfortunately, he’s too late to save the single mom he may or may not be falling in love with, since she and her daughter die in a house fire that Evil Corporation’s assassin may have set. But Traumatized Son is still alive, and the last shot of the movie is Willem Dafoe finding him and hugging him. I feel happy and sad at the same time.
Sorry Willem Dafoe kinda hogged the spotlight on that one, Sam. Here’s a picture of you looking like a Tasmanian badass
The Character: Sam Neill is Jack, who drives an awesome yellow jeep and is a family friend to the Poor Doomed Hippies. He may be secretly in love with the mom? Hard to say. He’s also the one who rats out Willem Dafoe to Evil Corp. when he’s clearly doing more than just looking for that tiger, possibly in the hopes that Willem Dafoe will step off his woman. Unfortunately, the plan backfires when Evil Corp.’s assassin kills the mom (by accident? on purpose? as in life, there are no clear answers), and Willem Dafoe leaves Sam Neill after a dramatic confrontation a sad and broken man.
Thing I Learned: The Tasmanian tiger was the largest known carnivorous marsupial of modern times, and is thought to have gone extinct in the 20th century. Unlike most extinct species, we actually have video of this one from 1933. The video was of the last known tiger, which died in 1936. Look at its giant mouth, RAWRRR! The movie made a computer animated one that looked like this guy for Willem Dafoe to hunt!
Should You Watch This?: I’m not sure if it was just because the other ones were so bad, but I’m not just going to give a straight No here. I really liked seeing the Tasmanian wilderness, and Willem Dafoe is a great badass loner WITH A HEART. He’s quiet and doesn’t actually talk much, but you can see his feels all over his face. Plus, the story and script were interesting because they felt more real–this movie definitely didn’t follow a formula so I was interested to see what happened.
Next: Middle of Nowhere Edition
Previously: Playing Both Sides Edition