Archive for December, 2012

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Spam Report: December 2012

December 31st, 2012 by pladd

Last Spam report of 2012! What with vacation and my internet freaking out, I ended up leaving my spam folder alone for about 2 weeks! Until this morning, when I checked and saw that I had 487 new messages. What can I say, spambots love me. So, after a laborious culling process, I bring you these:

On my NaNoWriMo post:

Michael writes:

It’s a slow news day because there’s nnthiog new on the Paris Hilton front.I think the major media organizations would fry a fuse if an atom bomb went off from a terrorist in New York AT THE SAME TIME that Paris was being let out of jail.It would probably be resolved by stand-by cameras at Paris’ jail, with brief interruptions for news on the attack.

I can only assume Michael is trying to give me ideas for next year’s NaNoWriMo. Sorry, Michael, but scathing social commentary on the state of the media is so 2008.

Sundance writes:

My problem was a wall until I read this, then I smsahed it.

I love this metaphor, Sundance, and the way I am now envisioning you as some kind of angry Wario character. I don’t know what kind of problems my NaNoWriMo bragging post helped you solve, but I’m guessing boredom, since it takes a good while to get through Mazelandia.

On my Hobbit Review post:

Omar Scoggins writes:

The next time I learn a weblog, I hope that it doesnt disappoint me as significantly as this one. I mean, I do know it was my option to learn, even so I really thought youd have 1 thing interesting to say. All I hear is really a bunch of whining about something that you could repair when you werent too busy seeking for attention.

Whatever, Omar. You’re entitled to your own opinion, and you’re probably right that if I took the time to slog through The Silmarillion I wouldn’t be whining so much about the books, but HOT THORIN IS MY KING AND NOTHING YOU CAN SAY WILL CHANGE THAT. Sorry that got heated.

silver price once again tries too hard to pretend he’s people by rambling about something just slightly off-topic:

‘Return of the King’ is the most enjoyable because in the structure of the movies, it is nothing other than pay-off, there is no more setting up to do, no more exposition, no more introducing characters. The pay-off is very character-based. It is action-orientated as well, but all of our characters have been pushed to a point where their life and death depends on what happens in the third movie. It is very emotional, and from an actors point of view it is very enjoyable to work on, because they were able to play some pretty intense drama. From my point of view it was always great, because we were heading toward an ending, a climax which we never had in the other two.

I agree with you, silver price, although Return of the King had the one drawback of finally turning Viggo Mortensen’s permastubble into a full-fledged beard, an act I can never forgive. I still mourn for you, dirty, stubbly Aragorn. Where did you go?

When I asked Can You See This:

Nacci responded:

Death thru Adams sin is not punishment it is simply the result. Thru free will then we have to the choiceď to accept or refuse Gods free offer of salvation. God is allowing lucifer to run his best game plan so he can defeat him “honorably” Punishment follows. If there were no death what would we have? Were there no reward or punishment, what would justify anything? I simply try to follow Christ and not fry my brain trying to figure out all the deep secrets of God. We will know one day.

Nacci, are you saying that I should stop trying to fix my Internet because it’s one of the “deep secrets of God”? So was replacing my wireless card like opening the Ark of the Covenant? Why is my face still unmelted? Maybe you’ll say that Indiana Jones isn’t religious canon, but to that I would respond that I can’t take life advice from anyone who doesn’t know what an apostrophe is.

And, weirdest comment of the month goes to jackets on my 2012 Booklist: The Good post:

The testicles remain, so unlike a castrated ram the teaser ram still produces male hormones. He acts and reacts like a normal ram. Ugh. The builders obviously went way past the inherent limits of their building algorithms.. People who buy used clothing online usually look for designer items first. Familiarize yourself with the going rates of both brand new and used designer goods.

I don’t even know what to say, jackets.

Thanks for a great year, spambots! See you in 2013!

Previously: November

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2012 Bonus Book List: The Pretty

December 30th, 2012 by pladd

I felt kind of bad looking through my Goodreads account just for bad covers when there were so many nice ones this year too, so I thought I would show you those too:

A Mind of Its Own: A Cultural History of the Penis by David M. Friedman

Is this not just the PERFECT cover design for this subject? From the fancy olde timey guy to the placement of the O. Awesome.

Snuff by Sir Terry Pratchett

His ship is sinking and he still has a cigar in his mouth. I love it.

Between Two Ends by David Ward

I read this book solely because the cover was so cool looking! I ended up giving it only two stars. It was alright, but didn’t live up to the hype of its cover.

The Hero’s Guide to Saving Your Kingdom by Christopher Healy

The illustrations in this one in general were really detailed and good. The cover also continues around to the back, which I like.

The Invisible Gorilla by Christopher Chabris and Daniel Simons

Non-fiction books seemed to have impressed me more in general this year, especially in the cover department. Maybe I expect less.

Anna Dressed in Blood by Kendare Blake

Creeeeeepy

Kat, Incorrigible by Stephanie Burgis

This is another book like Jane Austen except everyone has magic, this time for middle grades. I think the cover fits the tone pretty perfectly.

Leftovers by Tom Perrotta

One day a bunch of people all over the world just disappear, and those that are left wonder what the heck happened. Thought it would be a Left Behind knockoff, but actually wasn’t religious at all.

Excited to start reading in 2013!

The Good
2012: The Bad
2012: The Ugly

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2012 Book List: The Ugly

December 28th, 2012 by pladd

One of my favorite times of year!! The time when I look back at all the books I read and judge them shamelessly by their covers!! Some of these will be familiar from The Good and The Bad lists, because ugliness isn’t an indicator of quality.

Reluctantly Alice by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor

I read this whole series this year, and a lot of them were published in the 80s and 90s, which were like the golden years for terrible children’s book covers like this where they went for illustrating a scene in the book. Just so we’re clear, that’s the middle school bully trying to beat her up, not a cross-country trucker.

Alice on the Outside by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor

Even when Alice is in a sexy situation instead of a scary one, it’s just as awk and ugly.

Flamingo Rising by Larry Baker

This book was on my Good list, but I really think they could have designed a better cover. The book is full of really cool visuals! He lives at a drive-in movie theater with a neon sign the size of a building, come on.

Virgin Vegan Valentine by Carolyn Mackler

I feel awkward staring at this girls chest in her boring tank top.

Things I’ve Learned From Girls Who Dumped Me

This cover is okay, but the book was pretty funny, so I wish it was better.

Outrageously Alice by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor

Alice is invited to a lingerie-themed bridal shower. I know, I was disappointed too

Never Sit Down In a Hoop Skirt and Other Things I Learned in Southern Belle Hell by Crickett Rumley

I’ve fallen down in a hoop skirt before, and that is not what it looks like.

Love*Com Volume 3 by Aya Nakahara

AH GOBLINS!

The Future of Us by Jay Asher and Carolyn Mackler

I actually really like this concept: two 90s kids get magical access to their future facebook profiles and then try to change their lives to “fix” what they see.

The Agony of Alice by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor

That is bad-acting mopey, AT BEST. I was promised agony.

Heavenly Hijinks by Ashley Ladd

I almost didn’t put this on here, because it does get you perfectly prepared for what you are about to read. But, come on, he’s a sexy lion man.

The Good
2012: The Bad
2012 Bonus: The Pretty

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2012 Book List: The Bad

December 25th, 2012 by pladd

Merry Christmas! I’m writing this from the past! Ooooh!

I don’t have as many books on my The Bad list as last year, maybe because James and I kind of fell behind at our book club.

Fifty Shades of Grey by E. L. James

If I try to succinctly tell you how much I hated this book, it will just be a scream of inarticulate rage, so you should probably just check out my tumblr on the subject. The writing? The plotting? The characters? The terrible gender dynamics? All will be mocked in time. But even updating two or three times a day, it’s still going to take a while to get out all my hate on this subject.

Fifty Shades Darker by E. L. James

Blah blah blah self-insert Twilight fanfic

Fifty Shades Freed by E. L. James

Reading this was hard because I knew that some people weren’t immediately repulsed by Christian Grey and the way his internal monologue is indistinguishable from a serial killer’s. That’s probably why my response was to hate-vomit all over tumblr.

We’ll Be Here for the Rest of Our Lives by Paul Shaffer

We talked about why this one sucked before–still don’t want to ban it, though.

Boyfriends with Girlfriends by Alex Sanchez

This book had good intentions, about showcasing different types of relationships and navigating the dating scene when you’re not sure about your sexuality. Too bad every page was just a conversation pulled straight from a handbook about How To Talk To Troubled Teens.

Heavenly Hijinks by Ashley Ladd

The constellation Leo takes human form to seduce a hot lady psychic. You can pretty much judge everything about this book by its cover.

I either read fewer terrible books this year, or just got less picky.

The Good
2012: The Ugly
2012 Bonus: The Pretty

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2012 Book List: The Good

December 21st, 2012 by pladd

According to my GoodReads account, I’ve read 106 books so far in 2012, and 32,422 pages. That’s about half of last year which makes me a little sad.

Part of me thinks I must have forgotten to record some, but I guess we’ll never know

Anyway, since it was a lot of fun last year to look back through, I thought I would give you a run down of the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly again. These books all got five stars from me this year:

The Monstrumologist by Rick Yancey

This series were my three favorite books I read this year. I read each in a day because I couldn’t stop, and then read them to Steven in another three days because he couldn’t either. It’s historical horror with a gruesome, gothic feel and characters that are too real. Will Henry is a young assistant to the world’s greatest monstrumologist, Dr. Pellinore Warthrop, who’s also an incredibly egotistical, selfish pain to deal with. You can think of him as a monster hunter, though he would insist that he’s a scientist and give you a lecture about the difference. He and Will Henry have such a fierce love/hate relationship, bound by guilt and life debts, and everytime I think about how I have to wait till next September till the fourth (and last?) book in this series I start to hyperventilate a little. WILL HENRYYYYYYYYY, I need you right now.

Anyway, in this, the first book, Will Henry and Dr. Warthrop attempt to save their town from vicious, blood thirsty anthropophagi, humanoid monsters with no heads and mouths in their stomachs.

The Curse of the Wendigo (Monstrumologist Book 2) by Rick Yancey

Will Henry and Dr. Warthrop travel from the far off wastes of Canada to the bustling metropolis of New York to save a colleague and old friend of Warthrop’s from the wendigo, a ravenous ghost vampire monster which the Doctor insists isn’t really, because that would be silly.

The Isle of Blood (Monstrumologist Book 3) by Rick Yancey

Shit gets real when Dr. Warthrop leaves Will Henry behind to hunt the holy grail of monsters. Of course, he regrets it AS HE SHOULD, and Will Henry is forced to rescue him from an insane asylum, and then accompany him to Socotra, the Isle of Blood, where shit gets even more real. This book contains a cameo from Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, and is simultaneously the saddest and most badass bildungsroman ever. I loved it so much that, when I finished it, I just lay face down on the floor of Steven’s office silently shrieking into the carpet. He ignored me because he’s used to me. Seriously, you should read this series if you like things that are well-written and exciting and also slightly terrifying.

Part of me wants to just end this entry right here because NOTHING EVEN COMES CLOSE TO YOU, WILL HENRY. But I’ll go on, since Goodreads as yet provides no rating for “THE BEST THING” so you’re stuck in the same category with these fools for now:

Anna Dressed in Blood by Kendare Blake

Speaking of creepy, try having this on your nightstand for a week. It’s about a teen ghost hunter who literally kills ghosts with a freaky mystical knife.
Read the rest of this entry »

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That One Time Aragorn and I Fought Orcs

December 20th, 2012 by pladd

As promised, I found some proof of my insane high school LOTR obsession for you:

Turns out Aragorn is shorter than you expect

I don’t really know what the story behind these pictures is. Why do I have a series of them and how did they came to be taken? I can only assume that my house was under siege and Aragorn popped by to help out with that. The look on my face says that now is the time for him to give a stirring motivational speech because we are so outnumbered right now.

I can’t even describe to you how cool I was. This picture pretty much says it all

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Sam Neill Update: Middle of Nowhere Edition

December 18th, 2012 by pladd

Sorry it’s been so long, gang! I can’t believe it’s been 3 months since my last Sam Neill update! Unfortunately, we’re almost done with this project! My spreadsheet says 94% complete! But will I ever really be done watching Sam Neill movies? Yeah, right. I’LL QUIT WHEN YOU DO, SAM. I haven’t decided what kind of party I’m going to throw for myself for the sort-of completion of this project, but it will probably involve some kind of greatest hits reel and definitely cupcakes. Get pumped!

The Horse Whisperer (1998)

They should have just named this movie “Shots of Montana with Sad Music”

The Movie: After a tragic horse accident, Grace has lost part of her leg, her best friend, and apparently her horse. It is freaking out, y’all! Then, despite the perfectly reasonable protests of her husband, Mom MacLean decides to take the horse and her daughter on a cross country road trip to the middle of nowhere to work with a “horse whisperer” whom she then of course falls in love with. But their love CAN NEVER BE because they are from two different worlds etc. etc.

I’m upset too, Sam. This movie was over 2 hours of scenery shots

The Character: Sam Neill is, once again, the cuckolded husband. I feel like this must just be on his resume. “Good at playing: 1) Crazy people, 2) Mild-mannered cuckolds, 3) the vaguely sinister”. And, like in other movies where his wife cheats on him, you can’t hate him (I can never hate him), so I ended up being really annoyed at his wife the entire time. Why are you trying to break Sam Neill’s heart?? Cowboy doesn’t want you, anyway. Eventually Sam Neill takes his daughter and her healed horse back home, and everyone except him learns a valuable lesson about not getting so caught up in the hectic New York lifestyle and taking time to relax with family. Sam Neill didn’t learn anything because he is perfect.

Thing I Learned: You can’t work remotely from Montana if you’re the editor of a big New York City magazine before the Internet was a thing.

Should You Watch This?: No. It’s hella boring. And both of the “romantic” characters are annoying and not-hot.

In Cold Blood (1996 TV miniseries)

Sam Neill!!! You look so good in a fedora!!

The Movie: This TV miniseries was based on the Truman Capote “nonfiction novel” of the same name, about the real-life murder of a small town ranch family. Unfortunately, Netflix only sent me one disk, and when I tried to turn it over to watch the second half (which…. what? This is not a record, you guys) it didn’t work. So I’ve only seen the first two hours, which is the long, drawn out setup before the murder that ends with the family being locked in their bathroom while the two bad guys search their house for riches that aren’t there. It was pretty good for a miniseries, but spent way too long establishing that the good guys were good and the bad guys were bad. There was an interesting subplot about the daughter being in love with a boy from a different religion (read: another kind of Christianity! Scandalous!) and not being allowed to date him anymore.

Sam Neill, about to eat some pie

The Character: Sam Neill was barely in the first part of this miniseries, although imdb tells me that he will leap into action in the second part to solve this murder! So he must be like some kind of detective or something? I think the fact that Sam Neill was barely in this made it even more excruciating to sit through, because I kept waiting for him to appear only to be denied!

Thing I Learned: If you’re an award-winning cherry pie maker, you better be ready for random school children to drop by at any time, just bursting with hope to be filled with your pie knowledge.

Should you watch this?: No. I mean, maybe I would change my mind if I had seen the whole thing, but it would have to be pretty damn spectacular to make up for the lackluster two hour buildup.

The Hunter (2011)

I told you Willem Dafoe would be back!

The Movie: This was definitely my favorite of this batch! I still probably wouldn’t have chosen to watch it on my own, but I was interested to see where it was going, since it really wasn’t following a set formula like the other two. Plus, I was happy to see Willem Dafoe team up with Sam Neill again. You may remember him from Victory or Daybreakers, which I watched before. Willem Dafoe is some kind of bounty hunter (an animal bounty hunter?) that a sketchy corporation hires and sends into the wilds of Tasmania to kill the last Tasmanian tiger, which was previously thought to be extinct. Then he’ll take samples of its skin and blood and whatever back to them, and they can use it to patent medicine? Or something? This part wasn’t clear, the point is: Willem Dafoe is looking to kill that tiger, and nothing is going to get in his way!

Except when he gets too involved with the family he’s staying with–a kind of hippie single mom and her two children, struggling after their husband/dad went missing in the very wilderness he’s searching for the tiger. Surprise! He was working for Evil Corporation too, and then they killed him! Just like they try to kill Willem Dafoe when it looks like he’s going to betray them and Do The Right Thing! But Willem Dafoe is too badass for that, kills their assassin, kills the tiger, and leaves them a phone message that’s just “Now you’ll never get what you want. Don’t mess with me, I was a fucking vampire”. Okay, maybe not the last part. Unfortunately, he’s too late to save the single mom he may or may not be falling in love with, since she and her daughter die in a house fire that Evil Corporation’s assassin may have set. But Traumatized Son is still alive, and the last shot of the movie is Willem Dafoe finding him and hugging him. I feel happy and sad at the same time.

Sorry Willem Dafoe kinda hogged the spotlight on that one, Sam. Here’s a picture of you looking like a Tasmanian badass

The Character: Sam Neill is Jack, who drives an awesome yellow jeep and is a family friend to the Poor Doomed Hippies. He may be secretly in love with the mom? Hard to say. He’s also the one who rats out Willem Dafoe to Evil Corp. when he’s clearly doing more than just looking for that tiger, possibly in the hopes that Willem Dafoe will step off his woman. Unfortunately, the plan backfires when Evil Corp.’s assassin kills the mom (by accident? on purpose? as in life, there are no clear answers), and Willem Dafoe leaves Sam Neill after a dramatic confrontation a sad and broken man.

Thing I Learned: The Tasmanian tiger was the largest known carnivorous marsupial of modern times, and is thought to have gone extinct in the 20th century. Unlike most extinct species, we actually have video of this one from 1933. The video was of the last known tiger, which died in 1936. Look at its giant mouth, RAWRRR! The movie made a computer animated one that looked like this guy for Willem Dafoe to hunt!

Should You Watch This?: I’m not sure if it was just because the other ones were so bad, but I’m not just going to give a straight No here. I really liked seeing the Tasmanian wilderness, and Willem Dafoe is a great badass loner WITH A HEART. He’s quiet and doesn’t actually talk much, but you can see his feels all over his face. Plus, the story and script were interesting because they felt more real–this movie definitely didn’t follow a formula so I was interested to see what happened.

Next: Middle of Nowhere Edition
Previously: Playing Both Sides Edition

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The Hobbit Reawakens An Obsessive Fangirl, and I Couldn’t Be More Thrilled

December 14th, 2012 by pladd

Have you missed me? Don’t get excited, the blatant blog sabotage perpetrated by any combination of these suspects has yet to be foiled! Alas, I am writing to you from the public library. Seriously, you know my love of public libraries, but if you want to see desperate and sad, Friday afternoon at the library study tables is it. Everyone looks hella depressed, like they’re not sure what life decisions brought them to this point. Maybe I do too, who can say? I’m sure we each have a story to tell. Though no one is going to beat mine for excitement, since I have a villain with an evil laugh and a case of stolen identity (or split personality?). Yeah, I’m really taking advantage of my ability to link while not having to type out the html on my phone, whatever.

Steven has supposedly traced the issue and has moved to the “procrastinating talking on the phone” stage of the process (the longest in any process since Steven fears all human contact). And maybe he’s been a bit distracted lately because, oh yeah, WE WENT TO THE HOBBIT AT MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT!!!!

Steven almost had to sit next to someone wearing fake elf ears, THAT’s how much we wanted to see this!!

I admit, I was skeptical. As you may or may not know, I was obsessed with the Lord of the Rings movies when they came out in high school. I saw Fellowship of the Ring 11 times in theaters!! That’s MORE THAN A DAY OF MY LIFE, y’all. I can’t really explain that, and I was nervous that The Hobbit could never live up to my insanely high 15-year-old expectations. Because even if it was good, nothing is as good as when you’re an obsessive 15-year-old fangirl, right?

WRONG!!! SO GOOD!!! I even think I liked it better than the original three? As this io9 review points out, the themes and characters of The Hobbit are much more human and relateable than the sprawling, world war majesty of the The Lord of the Rings. Martin Freeman plays Bilbo with just the right mixture of hesitation, courage, selfishness, and heroism that makes him seem entirely human (even though he is a hobbit, of course!) but also admirable. I know it makes me a bad librarian, but I’ve always liked Peter Jackson’s movies more than the books they’re based on. I just feel like he does a better job of telling a cohesive, understandable story with characters I can understand. Whenever I have this discussion with Steven, he’s always like “Well, but if you read The Silmarillion…”, to which I always respond, “Shut up! I should not have to slog through hundreds of pages of dense symbolic afterthought to understand the original story.” Which maybe makes me lazy, but whatever. I think the movies are better storytelling. Especially this movie.

I think a lot of the comparison that comes up in The Hobbit‘s favor stems from my dislike of Frodo. He’s just so whiny and kind of tiresome. I get that the Ring is hard to carry Frodo, but there are only so many long, drawn-out shots of you looking consumptive and yearning that I can take before I lose patience and scream “BRING BACK DIRTY UNSHAVEN ARAGORN ALREADY!” Thankfully, I didn’t have any of these moments of annoyance in The Hobbit, probably because Bilbo is awesome, and Movie!Bilbo whines less than Book!Bilbo, to the best of my recollection.

I know people are complaining that it’s just “three hours of Gimli and Gandalf”, but, guys, that is like my DREAM. Twelve gimlis+Hot Thorin+snarky Gandalf the Grey+not a Legolas in sight??? That is the equation for my perfect movie, and we haven’t even talked about Radagast the Brown!! It was hard for me to imagine Sylvestor McCoy doing the whole dirty forest wizard thing, because my only exposure to him in the past is as Doctor Who in the late 80s, but he was the perfect blend of whimsical, ridiculous, and then, just occasionally, DEADLY SERIOUS.

Steven was pleased about how they incorporated a lot of the songs, but not in a cheesy, annoying way like in the animated Hobbit movie (okay, maybe “cheesy” and “annoying” are my words, not his), and I enjoyed laughing at how amazingly posed Galadriel always looks, like maybe her ring of power gives her the ability to arrange the folds of her impractically long dresses just so whenever anyone looks at her. Also, all the dwarves got personalities!! And ridiculous facial hair that I wish real life had more of because please braid your beards, hipsters, I will love you so much more.

I also don’t really see this as a shameless money grub like most people. I mean, obviously money is definitely a factor. They wouldn’t be making them if they didn’t think you would see it. But it’s not like the last Twilight movie where they turn no plot into two movies just because. As Peter Jackson proved with the trilogy, each book could have easily made a six hour movie, and I like that we get more back story and information from the appendices than could have been included in one movie, or even was just in the one book. I like how Peter Jackson always seems to be looking at the Middle Earth mythology as a whole and working to tie that together, whether it’s providing a better explanation for things (like where Gandalf is always disappearing to, or who the Necromancer is) or cutting out some of the distracting shit that makes no sense (Tom Fucking Bombadil. I hate you and am glad you’re gone. Yeah, I said it. That’s what happens when you’re a blatant Mary Sue that speaks in annoying rhyme). Movies are necessarily a new format anyway, and I’m often a little disappointed when a movie just mindlessly mirrors the books without providing any insight or utilizing the visual storytelling format more. The book already has illustrations, the movie should at least try to be its own work.

Admittedly, I did not see it in 3D, because I hate 3D and refuse to pay more money for something that makes me feel ill. So your mileage may vary on this entirely shameless outpouring of joy. Also you might not like it as much if you don’t have any magic in your soul. I mean, I can’t help you there.

I tried to find a picture for you of High School Me dressed as Gandalf or something (you know how I love wizards), but there’s nothing on my laptop and, like I said, I’m at the library. I’ll look when I get home and try to upload it from my phone or something ridiculous. BLOG SABOTAGE WILL NOT STOP ME!!!

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