Sorry this took me so long! I actually watched an entire TV series!! It was only one season, but that’s still better than I usually manage. This project is now sitting at roughly 89% completion and 124 hours.
Happy Town (2010 TV series)
If you have a secret identity tattoo on your upper shoulder, stop wearing shirts with such weird necklines!
The Show: Happy Town is actually Haplin, Minnesota, a small town where nothing ever seems to happen–or so they want you to think. A series of unsolved kidnappings still haunts the town, even though the last person was taken by “The Magic Man” years ago. The kidnappings were never solved, and the victims never found. But now they seem to be starting all over again! It’s one of those shows where everyone is a suspect and, even if they’re not The Magic Man, still has dramatic secrets anyway. The town matriarch who owns the bread factory and will do anything to preserve her family’s reputation, the newly-appointed sheriff whose dad seems to have gone crazy (with guilt?) and whose mom died under mysterious circumstances (OR DID SHE?), the newcomer to town who is clearly lying about her identity and knows more than she’s saying, some teens who are in love but their families hate each other, the owner of a pizza shop whose obsession with the Magic Man leads him to MURDER, the creepy new guy obsessed with old-timey movies and being mysterious, and a set of exciting old ladies who just want to woo him:
And protect themselves from The Magic Man the only way they know how
It was cancelled after only one season, and the series finale opens more questions than it answers. They do reveal the identity of The Magic Man, and though one of the actors claimed that, once revealed, the audience will think it was obvious all along, I kind of think the implications are impossible. Like… there are too many logistical problems. Plus, the main protagonist’s secret identity is never revealed, and the show’s vaguely supernatural obsession with an Old German Film called “The Blue Door” is never explained. We only see snippets of this film throughout the show, but it’s some serious Lost shit: characters who have died appear as actors in the movie and, upon viewing it, Rich Teen changes his mind from running away with his girlfriend to “That was the worst thing I have ever seen… I have to stay here. My place is here.” I turned to the Internet for answers, and all the ones people have come up with are kind of unsatisfactory and crazy, like that the film is purgatory or something. I hate when mystery shows start throwing in supernatural elements randomly. It seems kind of lazy to me.
Also, Amy Acker was there
Sorry for the rant. It’s been bugging me.
The Character: Of course Sam Neill plays Merritt Grieves, the vaguely creepy but super suave owner of this weirdly-placed olde-timey movie memorabilia shop:
Small town Minnesota is JUST the place for you! Clears not hiding something at all!
Sam Neill is really, really good at playing characters whose morals you aren’t quite sure of. I’m thinking of all the flashbacks of him in Crusoe and how I’m still not sure if he was going to be a bad guy or not in that. His mannerisms can be sinister, while at the same time he’s being completely charming. In Happy Town, he claims all the old ladies at his boarding house fussing over him is “the burden of being eternally dashing”. When asked by Evil Matriarch (who is crushin’ on him hardcore) if he wants her to show him around, he responds gallantly with “even more than I would like the ascot back in style”.
Basically the whole time I was like “AHHHHH YOU’RE SO AMAZING!!! But probably also evil? BUT AMAZING!”
Turns out, he was just pretending this whole time, and is actually a badass leather-jacket wearing guy who came to Haplin to catch The Magic Man, who kidnapped his son a long time ago… in England? This is where the “answer” to who the Magic Man is really breaks down.
What I Learned: Don’t trust strangers in hospital cafeterias–they will try to poison you for no reason.
You Should Watch If: You think you can figure out what the heck is going on, so you can explain it to me.
Victory (1996)
This cover looks way more exciting than it actually is
The Movie: So this guy, whose name is Axel (!), lives on an isolated island in the Dutch East Indies. There’s some rumors that he killed his former business partner, but they’re obviously not true because he’s clearly a quiet knight of chivalry. While visiting the port of Surabaya for some reason, he meets Alma, a woman/prostitute being kept in slavery by a guy who owns an “All female orchestra”, which is a barely-disguised front. Not wanting to be sold to the racist hotel owner, Alma asks Axel for help, and he smuggles her away to his secluded island home.
Laaaaaadies
Incidentally, that’s Willem Dafoe, who I recognize from another, more fun Sam Neill movie:
Where his name was Elvis and he was badass
Like Daybreakers, he and Sam Neill are enemies, and also Sam Neill dies at the end.
The Character: Sam Neill plays Mr. Jones, a strangely particular criminal wandering around the world creating gambling rings and stabbing people when they can’t pay. He also hates women and the noise they make.
And looks like someone you’d want to punch
Racist hotel guy, trying to get them and their violence out of his place, tells Sam Neill’s assistant about the beautiful girl who was stolen from him by Axel, so Sam Neill and his plucky crew head out to the island to cause drama and burn stuff down.
Yeah, use Sam Neill as a weapon of revenge, that’ll work out
Eventually, everyone dies except Axel, who, the narration tells us, leaves the island and begins to live again. So… thanks, dead Alma?
What I Learned: 1913 was a rough time to be in the Dutch East Indies
You Should Watch if: ehhh I can’t think of a reason, you shouldn’t. Sorry.
Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole (2010)
For some reason, Steven thought this would be good enough to bend his “No More Sam Neill” rule again
The Movie: So, cgi owls, guys! This movie was very loosely based on the popular Guardians of Ga’Hoole children’s book series by Kathryn Lasky. I think that was its main problem–the plot felt rushed and there was no time for any characterization beyond the most basic “here’s the bad guy”, “here’s the hero”, “here’s the comic relief”, and “here’s the love interest in the sequel”. The story follows Soren, a young barn owl, and his ragtag friends who escape from “The Pure Ones” and their attempts to build an owl master race and attempt the perilous journey to warn the “guardian” owls of Ga’hoole. Which is like a tree in the middle of the ocean? I don’t know, then there’s an owl war, Soren defeats the Pure Ones’ magical(?) anti-owl weapon, and may or may not kill his Pure One brother. The end!
The owl warriors wear intricate owl helmets and metal claws over their talons. Owl battle!
The Character: Sam Neill is the voice of Allomere, a great gray owl who lives in Ga’Hoole but is revealed to the audience to be in league with the Pure Ones!!! His traitorous ways will supposedly bring him kingship of Ga’Hoole, but, of course, the Pure Ones are like “we already got a king, bro” and once he leads the Guardians into their magical trap, the Pure Ones send bats to drag him away, presumably eating him alive. Way to go, Sam.
Laaaaaadies
What I Learned: Owls can sense things in their gizzard. Including which way to fly, and the future. From now on I’m going to claim to “feel it in my gizzard” whenever I want to sound mysterious.
What Steven Learned: Just because something is about birds does not mean it will be good
You Should Watch if: you want to see pretty cgi of owls; you find the idea of an owl society as ridic as I do
Previously: Thomas Jefferson, Tennis Dad, and a Somber Narrator
Next: More William Dafoe, and a tiger