Archive for July, 2012

Second Grade Journal: Cracking the Code

July 31st, 2012 by pladd

I was going to give you the July Spam Report today, but then I found something even more amazing and misspelled! That’s right, Spambots, you still have roughly 2 hours of July left to wow me before I write Friday’s post!

When they came to help me move, my parents brought a bunch of stuff of mine that was still hanging around their house, including a box of my old journals. Since I’d already transcribed these, I didn’t bother looking at them very closely, although I was pleased to be able to read about how “LISA IS A BUTT!” in the original gel pen. However!! Today I noticed one hiding amongst them that I definitely didn’t remember transcribing:

I was wondering about my terrible taste in cover art when I noticed the “Fairfax County Public Schools” logo in the bottom right

That’s right, team, this is my second grade journal!! Careful detective work has led me to believe that keeping one was a school assignment, because some of the entries are obviously written from prompts. There are 33 of them, mostly less than a page, between September 8th, 1994 and January 11th, 1995. January 12th, I discovered from reading the last entry, was the day I left school to move to Florida and immediately stopped writing since it was no longer required.

The most striking thing about these entries is how difficult they are to decipher:

Handwriting and spelling combine into a perfect storm of illegibility

So I thought it would be a fun game to give you badly spelled excerpts from my journal and see if you can figure out what I’m talking about. Ready?

Sept. 19, 1994. We went to a prak. The prak had a maz and a salid and sam tiers and sam swe’s and makey brs.

At first I thought I might be talking about a kind of salad. This next one kind of borders on the philosophical/emo in a weird way:

Sept. 21, 1994. I like my class room. thaee is a fox he is mie favirt. He is string at me like sad but happy at the sama time. He make’s me tinek of all the times I was happy.

Clearly I anticipated the ermahgerd meme by a number of years. Here’s a challenge:

Oct. 3, 1994. Yestr day I went to chr. I had kamiyin with my friad.

Also, super elementary school drama!!!!

Nov. 28, 1994. Today Gady is rejndoutid from my friend list!!!! Vaneli is now my 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, and 12 frined. Not that I evr had a 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, and 12 frined’s anyway. and reading this is none of your beeswaks Gady

I think I mean “Gabby”. Still, tense stuff. But nothing compared to December, 5th, 1994. The worst day of my lief.

Dec. 5, 1994. Today is the worst day of my lief. Frist we were going to the Daskaverwe Zone but it was in’t open. Second I found a very petty rock and I call’d Vaneli and on the phone I said I found a crystal so she came down and said it was stupid. Third my mom got mad when my new shert got full of mud and I did’t know why it was there. fourth I got lock’d in thomas toyboxs for a long time and I got hot. fifth here I am doing my homewrok when I don’t want to.

I stand by this assessment. Discovery Zone is closed, no one appreciates my cool rock, I’m hot and muddy AND doing homework? Def the worst day of my life so far. Good call on that, 7-year-old Patricia.

My journal ends thusly:

Jan. 11, 1995. Tomrrw is my last day of school… My mom mand me serll for breakfst. She was sapost to put suger in it but she put salt in it.

Except not quite. Turn a few blank pages and you find, in carefully practiced cursive:

Feb. 9, 1997. I have lived in Florida for two years. Sarah is my best friend here. I’m in fourth grade. I’m an all A student!

Thanks for the update, 9-year-old Patricia.I bet my Second Grade Journal was really wondering how you’ve been.

Answers (that I can figure out) to this exciting activity after the cut: Read the rest of this entry »

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Posted in Let Me Tell You About My Life |

A Table Whose Name is Ingo

July 27th, 2012 by pladd

So last Saturday Steven and I drove to the Charlotte IKEA to find me a sewing table. Or at least a table that doesn’t involve sitting on giant pillows on the floor like our current model.

I have other pictures of us sitting at the table, but this one is the best for obvious reasons.

My sometimes-nemesis Brian Reinhart once told me that he views IKEA as “the greatest triumph of modern capitalism”. For once, Brian Reinhart is right. This IKEA was so crowded! It was pretty much exactly like being at a theme park, complete with large lettered signs to help you remember where you parked. People had driven for all over just to cheaply buy furniture, and even though we waited in line for like 40 minutes at the check out, there was a festive atmosphere as people compared purchases and considered buying anything lingonberry flavored.

Also I spent the entire drive there singing along to Jonathan Coulton’s IKEA song:

That may be why I ended up with a table whose name is Ingo? I’m pretty sure oft-repeated, needlessly catchy ads completely work on me, even if they’re not necessarily meant as ads. I did look at the other tables, but this one seemed the right size and a little more sturdy. Steven assembled it for me in like 10 minutes:

Next time, Billy the Bookcase?

I’m pretty lucky Steven knows a lot about making furniture (the only downside to IKEA was listening to him mutter “I could make you this if my tools weren’t all back in Texas” at everything) because otherwise I would have thought “Done! Table time!” but he says we have to stain it or paint it and finish it or something so it doesn’t warp and absorb moisture. Of course my initial reaction when he asked what I wanted it to look like was “OMG PURPLE OBVS” but, who knows, I might go the classy adult route for my classy adult new apartment. Only time will tell.

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Sam Neill Update: Thomas Jefferson, Tennis Dad, and a Somber Narrator

July 20th, 2012 by pladd

I can’t find my camera to take pictures of my new apartment, so you get some Sam Neill instead!!! I realized today that I screwed up my own spreadsheet awhile ago when updating it, so the figures I’ve been giving you the past few updates have been wrong. I’m actually only 85% done with this project. Don’t even pretend to be disappointed, I know you’re super psyched that you still get to read all about Sam Neill. Also, I watched all of these before the move, so it’s been awhile and I can’t remember all of the hilarious details. If there were any hilarious details. These were all kind of depressing, in different ways.

Sally Hemings: An American Scandal (2000 TV movie)

Steven was so excited to see Sam Neill play Thomas Jefferson, he went so far as to lift his “You’ve burned me once too often, Sam” ban on helping me with this project.

You’d think he’d look a little more enthused, right?

The Movie: Sally Hemings is a teenage slave when her relationship with Thomas Jefferson begins, when she accompanies his daughter to join him when he’s ambassador to France. TJ realizes she’s smart (and hot) so he takes an interest in her education, leading to a life-spanning love affair that causes major drama, both within the Jefferson family (thanks, bitchy daughters) and on the political stage of the country at large. Sally is apparently the half-sister of Jefferson’s dead wife, and most of the children she has with him look white but are still slaves, leading to awkward questions and misunderstandings. At Jefferson’s death at the end, Sally reveals to Bitchy Daughter Number 1 that she has been free this whole time and she’ll do what she wants now, thanks. Go girl.

Yeah, that wig is doing nothing for you, Sam

The Character: Steven says Sam Neill is good, but just isn’t “his” Thomas Jefferson.

I assume he’d prefer this one

I thought he did an okay job, especially at selling the dichotomy between Jefferson’s personal feelings for Sally and his public actions in regards to slavery. He was kind of overshadowed by how awesome Carmen Ejogo was as Sally, which was probably what the film was going for anyway. Sally is not going to take shit from you, even if you are the president, and you are just going to have to deal with that. Okay, so I may have girl powered out a little while watching this.

What I Learned: James T. Callender was super mad when Thomas Jefferson wouldn’t appoint him postmaster general. I had no idea postmaster general was such a coveted position. I guess, hey, all the stamps you want.

You should watch this if: You like really long historical pieces and/or Thomas Jefferson

Wimbledon (2004)

Kirsten Dunst, laughing at the direction her career has taken

The Movie: Peter Colt is a tennis player, but not a great one. He’s played by the same guy who was that creepy, self-flagellating priest in The Da Vinci Code, so that was also distracting. Anyway, it’s his last year at Wimbledon, and he meets and falls in lust with up-and-coming tennis star Kirsten Dunst. They have a love affair, which seems to be really helping Peter’s game, but really hurting hers. Of course they have the obligatory argument about whether he loves tennis more than her, he declares his love on national TV, and he wins Wimbledon and the girl as per the prescribed formula for these movies. I told you this week was depressing.

Sam Neill, trying to be reasonable in the face of all this cliche

The Character: Obvs Sam Neill plays her controlling, disapproving father! He’s so good at that, after all. He’s also her tennis coach, and you can’t really get mad at him because he does have a point. Flirting and spending all her time with Peter is hurting her game. I guess, like all dads, he just doesn’t understand that TRUE LOVE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN TENNIS OMG.

What I Learned: Professional tennis players are all self-centered, superstitious jerks.

You should watch if: you like formulaic romantic comedies; your dad keeps getting in the way of your relationship

Gallipoli (2005)
Not to be confused with the 1981 Mel Gibson movie of the same name.

I’d probably still take this over more Wimbledon

The Movie: Much like SuperCroc, this was a documentary that Sam Neill narrated. Unlike Supercroc, I was less interested in the subject matter, but Sam Neill’s co-narrator was Jeremy Irons so I was okay with it.

Feel free to tell me everything you know about WWI, preferably in song form

I really wish Sam Neill would start narrating audio books, because he would be way good at it. Every time I can’t finish an audio book because the narrator’s voice is too annoying, I hope that someday, when he’s too old to play disapproving dads, Sam Neill will make this dream a reality. All you have to do is watch one of his documentaries to see how awesome this would be!!

What I Learned: I actually knew something about this campaign from the Louis de Bernieres book, Birds Without Wings, but that account is so lyrical and personal, it was interesting to find out what really happened in the big picture.

You should watch if: you like looking at black-and-white historical photos; being sad about humanity

Previously: Losing My Mind Edition
Next: Playing Both Sides Edition

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Posted in Sam Neill Marathon |

Moving!

July 10th, 2012 by pladd

Steven and I are moving again! Pictures and a bullet-point breakdown of the pros and cons of our new place later! Right now I am too busy boxing up all of our stuff and eating weird meals that use up the food we have. Like this strange soup thing Steven made on Sunday:

He called it chili but I don’t think so

It was like… chicken, potatoes, hominy, black-eyed peas, green chilies, onion… I don’t know, it was pretty good, but also sort of strange.

Anyway, while packing up all my files, I found some exciting pieces of paper that I have, for some reason, been saving:

Oh, Professor Derrick, how are you real?

This is a paper I wrote for English 300, which was one of the few classes required by my major. It involved interviewing Rob for his juicy season-spanning knowledge and then watching a lot of clips of America’s Next Top Model on youtube. Here’s probably my favorite part:

For this reason, each season “the bitchy girl” always seems to avoid being eliminated for longer than one would have thought possible, just to maintain the level of stress and drama between the contestants. Much of this, obviously, is the editing job done after the show has been taped. For instance, in the current cycle… Monique was surprisingly quickly voted off, but, as one experienced viewer described the situation, “a bitch-vacuum was created and a new bitch was forced to emerge tot take her place, and that bitch was Melrose.”13

And, if you even have to ask, that footnote says:

13 Rob McAuliffe, American’s Next Top Model expert and avid reality television viewer

I’m sure Rob was only too excited to be featured in my bibliography. Needless to say, I got an A on this paper. And wrote Professor Derrick the most eloquent course evaluation ever.

Also squirreled away with some old Threshers reviewing my one acts badly were the original course information sheets from my student taught course, WIESS 101: Zombies in Fiction and Film. Rice has been referencing this on its latest give-us-money mailers, which is sad because it’s been five years, and you’d think in all that time another student taught course would manage to be at least as exciting, but whatever. That’s not what we’re talking about right now:

Of course that last one is Josh Langsfeld. You probably already guessed.

Here are some other highlights:

What is your past experience with zombies?
2 words: zombie. babies.–James Fox
One time I attacked Patricia pretending to be a zombie–Rachel

Why did you sign up for this course?
I feel the defensive techniques may be applicable to Baker 13–Roque
Distribution credit–Rob

How useful would you be in case of a zombie attack?
I keep a fully loaded shotgun on my person at all times. If that’s not useful I don’t know what is.–Joe Dwyer
On a scale of 1 to 10, about a 9. However, I would need to be convinced I was actually fighting zombies. Once that happened, I would be a merciless killer.–Josh Langsfeld

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Spam Report: June 2012

July 6th, 2012 by pladd

It’s the end of another month, and you know what that means! Time to clean out my spam folder!!

As always, last month’s spam post garnered lots of comments–spambots are clearly starved for a little attention in this harsh Internet world where cruel fate has dictated that only actual people are worthy of response.

Tab 5 kg writes:

Web logs such as this one you can read all night as well as your information are correct and well crafted, we do hope you could keep updating the blog for all of us individuals who likes to follow the planet through the internet, let us all know if we might help or even donate some thing to keep this website heading!

Thanks for your generosity, Tab 5 Kg! The only thing you can donate is your kind comment! If I ever want to make money off the Internet, I feel I now have sufficient knowledge of how spam works to do it on my own.

Protein Purification writes:

What did you think of the avengers?

I loved it, Protein Purification! I went in with extremely low expectations because, hey, another super hero movie, but then it was funny and clever and exciting! Thanks for asking!

Regim Hotelier Cluj writes:

This is really interesting, You are a very skilled blogger. I have joined your feed and look forward to seeking more of your wonderful post. Also, I’ve shared your web site in my social networks!

Is there a social network where spambots congregate? Is that how you all heard about me? My friend Caitlin is feeling left out, can you post her blog on SpamBook too?

G4PH5OUD said of Sam Neill Update: Sub Captain:

I want a lifesize one!

I too would like a cardboard cut out of Sam Neill, G4PH5OUD. If my experiences with my mom’s life-size cutout of Aragorn are accurate, he would scare me every time I came downstairs in the dark and wear a series of funny hats on special occasions. On normal days, he’d watch me cook and I’d tease him about Merlin II, it would be great. I’m sure the moment such a product comes on the market, I will be the first (and only?) person contacted! As long as its not the Event Horizon version, anyway.

Finding wife left a lengthy comment on Sam Neill Update: Dad Edition:

I had a wild skunk who lived in my house for about five years. He/she would come in the back porch cat door after a night of fooding. It would go behind the washing machine thread a way through an unfinished wall and into the water heater closet that opened into the bathroom. I would open the door each morning and say good morning, it would wake up and look at me. It would sleep most of the day there with no trouble.

Good story, Finding Wife! Your relationship with your skunk friend sounds heart warming and symbiotic. The skunk got a place to sleep “after a night of fooding”, and you got an adorable, if volatile companion, probably the first contact from the outside world you’d received in some years.

Sam Neill: Losing My Mind Edition also grabbed some readers’ interest (I’m telling you, spambots love their Sam Neill movies):

Tutus writes:

Hello there! This is my first visit to your blog! We are a group of volunteers and starting a new initiative in a community in the same niche. Your blog provided us valuable information to work on. You have done a extraordinary job!

Thanks, Tutus! I agree that watching and sarcastically commenting on all Sam Neill movies would be much easier with a group of volunteers and an entire community behind me! Sometimes I get so tired of linking to Merlin II or showing this picture of Choppy McAxeFace:

J/k it never gets old

Click here writes:

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Click Here, I know you mean well, but this is kind of a backhanded compliment. What do you mean, “I cant consider youre not more fashionable”? I am HELLA fashionable, Click Here, have you seen my new hat?

Well, some people have. private museum tours in st.petersburg had this to say about it:

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Don’t worry, private museum tours in st.petersburg. The gloriousness of my new hat makes me incomprehensible sometimes too.

Previously: Spam Report, May 2012

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Posted in Spam Report |

BronyCon: Day 3

July 3rd, 2012 by pladd

The last day of BronyCon!! I already knew we were probably going to leave before the official end at 7pm because of the 9 hour drive back, but our day ended up being even shorter than I anticipated. I think we were both kind of tired.

But, don’t worry, I still had plenty of time for science observation:

There was also a moment, right before the writer’s panel started, where I can only guess that I was starting to assimilate:

Security pony? Really? In my defense, they were wearing shirts with the show’s royal guards on them:

In Equestria, there’s apparently a strict only-blue-hair guard hiring policy

But they did end up having to guard us from something after all!!

I was too busy evacuating the area in a calm manner, but Steven stopped to take some pictures

Some blurry pictures, but you get the idea

Along with everyone else

BurnyCon: My Little Pyro: Fire is Magic

But eventually they got everyone to evacuate outside. We didn’t know how long we would have to wait or what the schedule would be like when/if the con started up again. So we decided to start our journey a little earlier than expected. Luckily, it wasn’t as terrible as the drive up, but it wasn’t entirely without incident:

It’s a legitimate fear. Do you tip them? How much? Why do they exist still? I will probably never understand. New Jersey is a strange, strange place, you guys.

Also, an awful place. Did I mention that?

But, we made it home okay, at like 9pm instead of 2am like I had been anticipating. What a fun trip!! Although…

Just a hunch, but I think Klimpaloons rock at karaoke

Previously: BronyCon Day 2

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Posted in Road Trip |

BronyCon: Day 2

July 3rd, 2012 by pladd

Day 2 of our trip was the first day of the convention!!! Super exciting!! At first, some of my wariness from the night before lingered:

But luckily it was short-lived:

It was super easy and fun to be a scientist! First, because I am one, no matter what lies Dr. Dodds tells you, and second because I was totally dressed for it:

Daring Do, like Indiana Jones, is probably at least nominally a scientist, right?

So I spent the rest of the trip giving Live Science coverage! Which, like most science, consisted of extrapolating from limited data and guessing at statistics. Science!!!!

Steven also looked super awesome because he found a way to also dye his mustache rainbow colors!

Sorry, ladies, he’s taken

All you have to do is paint it with washable Elmer’s school glue, wait for that to dry, and then paint it with washable kids’ paint! The glue layer gives the paint something to cling to, but since they’re both washable, it came right off at the end of the day with just water. It hardened to a prickly consistency Steven likened to a “rainbow Christmas wreath”, but as long as he was a little careful how he ate lunch, it stayed on great!

Here is a full costume shot:

Yeah, applique butt tattoo!!

Here’s the front of the convention center before they opened the doors:

And another:

The big red truck was pretty cool. The side of it had rotating ads and art, and it played My Little Pony music, both from the show and fan made.

Taken later in the day, when I needed a break from the polite but persistent crowds

I’ve seen every episode of this show at least twice, but I was still way out of my depth. At one point, everyone started singing along to a song I had never even heard before. I guess it was one of the many fan made character theme songs, and somehow everyone but me knew all of the words. It’s okay, as a scientist, I’m used to be an outside observer. Here are some science facts I discovered:

I even think this estimate might be a little too conservative, but when you take into account guys in college, Steven was probably one of the oldest fans there! Weird! A lot of the high school guys had brought their parents, so I always had somewhat baffled sitting companions on the outside steps.

Then, at lunch, I remembered the first rule of science:

I mean, I DO have an MS degree.

SCIENCE!!!

The afternoon went much better after that, especially since the last presentation of the day was from a clinical psychologist about his giant ongoing Brony Study!!! Click the link if you want to take the survey (for bronies and non-bronies alike) and further amazing pony and fandom science!

Give me a chi square value at the beginning of anything and my heart will just melt a little.

Sorry it’s not a better picture; we were sitting about halfway back, by a speaker for maximum listening comprehension

It was an interesting, though perhaps too wordy PowerPoint presentation about brony demographics and motivations as compared with the general population. Both scientists were wearing lab coats, and whenever the audience would clap for something, they’d look vaguely annoyed, like “Stop interrupting me, class, I’m trying to teach you something.” It was definitely my favorite thing we saw. Is that sad? NO THAT IS SCIENCE

Yay!!!!

Next: BronyCon Day 3
Previously: BronyCon Day 1

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Posted in Things I've Made |

BronyCon: Day 1

July 3rd, 2012 by pladd

In case you missed my hard hitting Live Science Coverage of BronyCon on twitter, I’m going to reconstruct it for you, scrapbook style!

Day 1 for us was Friday, June 29th and mostly involved the drive to Seacaucus, New Jersey.

9 hours and $25.55 in tolls. Why are your roads so expensive, The North?

The only good part was when we stopped for lunch at Steak and Shake and everyone dealt with Steven’s startling hair by badgering the wait staff till they were able to move as far away from us as possible.

Spotsylvania, Virginia just doesn’t know what’s cool

I don’t know what it was like where you were on June 29th, but I95 was the most miserable place to be. I find that this is often the case, but it was over 100 degrees the entire drive.

At one point Trixie’s thermometer hit 110 and I wept. Although I think terrifying traffic and getting lost were probably contributing factors.

Let’s pretend that I am being hyperbolic. Only Steven, Trixie, and a homeless guy at a DC Shell station will know the truth.

Anyway, after much travail, we finally arrived!! Just in time to pick up our badges and interact (reluctantly, at least on my part) with the roving bands of keyed up bronies.

Maybe it was driving 13 hours in sweltering heat, but I was really in no condition to withstand someone complimenting “your mane” in a piercingly squeaky fake pony voice. Don’t worry, I am always in a better mood after sleep and a shower.

Next: BronyCon Day 2
Previously: Bronycon: My hat

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Posted in Road Trip |

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