The Plaid Pladd

It’s been a little more than a month since Vitally Important Questions of Vital Importance responded to my ever-increasing spam folder. Sorry to keep you waiting, spambots!

These are all comments on my Sam Neill Update: Creepster Edition:

Spirit Animal writes:

Yesterday, while I was at work, my sister stole my apple ipad and tested to see if it can survive a 40 foot drop, just so she can be a youtube sensation. My iPad is now destroyed and she has 83 views. I know this is totally off topic but I had to share it with someone!

Don’t worry, Spirit Animal! There’s no rule that says you have to stay on topic in the comments, particularly when you have a great electronics-destroying story to tell. I think my favorite part of your comment is that you include that your sister now has “83 views”. That’s less than my cousin’s homemade youtube news program about NASCAR, so I don’t think she can qualify as a “youtube sensation” yet. Maybe, like my cousin, she should try to involve an animal in her act.

Free Viagra writes:

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I know my posts about Sam Neill really pull at the heartstrings, Free Viagra. I don’t know what “pursuits” they’re helping you attain, but I assume you mean pretending you’ve seen many Sam Neill movies to explain why you were caught trespassing on his vineyard. Glad to help you and your mates!

Stefan Santarpia writes:

I just now wanted to thank you once more for your amazing website you have created here. It is full of ideas for those who are seriously interested in that subject, especially this very post. Your all so sweet plus thoughtful of others and reading your site posts is an excellent delight to me. And thats a generous surprise! Ben and I will certainly have pleasure making use of your tips in what we need to do in the near future. Our collection of ideas is a distance long and simply put tips is going to be put to very good use.

Again, SteFan Santarpia, I haven’t previously thought of my Sam Neill posts as “useful” or full of “tips”, so I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s a secret cadre of Sam Neill-obsessed stalkers who I am somehow aiding and abetting with my far more passive obsession with him. Either that, or you’re really into funny hats.

cancer scammer writes:

i don’t like your blog, it gave me cancer

Well, I’m glad it’s not all vague and seemingly unrelated praise! Although I’m sorry to hear about your condition, Cancer Scammer! I was previously unaware that sarcastic posts about Sam Neill in hats could cause cancer, but I guess that shows what I know! The cadre of Sam Neill-stalkers and I are rooting for you!

For more constructive criticism, does he love me writes about another Sam Neill update:

of course like your web site but you have to check the spelling on quite a few of your posts. Many of them are rife with spelling issues and I find it very troublesome to tell the truth nevertheless I will definitely come back again.

I’m sorry to hear that, does he love me. I completely understand how poor spelling and grammar can be really distracting! I guess I will try harder in the future to get my posts up to Spam Standards of English.

My most recent Sam Neill post also garnered some spam attention (spamtention?):

True Religion Jeans writes:

Impressive site. Plenty of helpful information here. I’m sending it for some friends ans in addition sharing throughout delicious. And positively, thank you in your sweat!

You’re welcome, True Religion Jeans, although I don’t sweat much while watching and writing up Sam Neill movies! I know, I make it look like such hard work, but once you’ve watched 106 hours of them like I have, you can generally sit through at least one without having to stop for a sports drink to replenish electrolytes.

Leigh Pickman writes:

I will pray. Gladly. Good to know there is a fellow NRA type gal who also loves Christ and good handbags.

Thanks for your prayers, Leigh! However, just because I have now watched A Hunt for Red October does not make me an “NRA type gal”. I can see why the confusion! After all, normally those two go together like Christ and good handbags! Sorry for the mixup.

Finally, I had SO MUCH spam correspondence about my first post responding to spam! It’s obvious that those spambots really appreciated that someone was finally taking the time to address their concerns:

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Spambots: the most misunderstood of all Internet goblins! See, you guys? If we just take the time to understand them and respond to their needs, they’ll show their gratitude in the only way they know how: vague and grammatically problematic blog comments. You’re welcome, guys!

Crystal Ball writes:

why are my comments not showing?

I’m sorry, Crystal! My blog settings are so prejudiced against spam! Don’t worry, we’ll always have VIQVI!