Archive for April, 2012

Servery Challenge: Whipped Cream Chocovine

April 30th, 2012 by pladd

At this point, I’m pretty sure Chocovine only comes up with new flavors to challenge me. I mean, who else is buying this stuff? So I have to say, they didn’t try very hard with whipped cream flavored Chocovine. It tastes far less horrible than any other flavor of Chocovine I’ve ever tried, and Rob even admitted that he would “totally drink it normally” after testing it pre-competition. It should be noted that this was Rob’s first ever Chocovine servery challenge, so he lacked the other competitors’ bitterness on the subject.

Also this time I took notes during the competition so I don’t have to guess about what was in each thing!!! Instead, I have to decipher my own abbreviations, which is perhaps just as difficult. Also for the first time, I decided we would vote by actually writing our choice down on secret ballot instead of blurting it out one by one. This was to keep Rob from trying to game the vote so that he wins, despite forcing us to drink pickles and strawberries or whatever. I think it worked out pretty well!

The Entries

Berry Good Time by Megan


Berry Good Time by Megan
Ingredients: Milk, strawberry syrup, “a little bit of the chocovine”, sprinkles, whipped cream, colorful straws arranged in a pattern

Megan’s entry tasted pretty much just like strawberry milk, which is delicious. And nothing is ever hurt by the addition of whipped cream and sprinkles. It also had the added interactive component of having to figure out which straw hadn’t been used when it was handed to you. Fun AND educational! Megan’s strategy of using as little chocovine as possible definitely helped in the taste department, though I’m not sure how much it “makes chocovine palatable” as per the rules. I guess she could be showing us that the best way to drink chocovine is not to.

Chocolate Cherry Surprise by Rob


Chocolate Cherry Surprise by Rob
Ingredients: Chocovine, kirsch cherry liqueur, maraschino cherries, whipped cream, the contents of cookies and cream milk straws, and vanilla salt

Rob claimed that this was “the least prepared” he’s ever been for a servery challenge, which, thinking back to when these actually took place in a servery, I can’t believe is true. Instead of just throwing random things from my cupboard into a cup, he at least tried to go with a theme. Unfortunately, that theme was fake cherry flavor, so to me his drink tasted kind of like cough syrup. I know other people are more a fan of that, though, so I don’t judge. The whipped cream and the kirsch mixed made the whipped cream go a little globby and gross-looking, and the tiny balls he cut out of the milk straws didn’t fully dissolve. Still, everyone agreed, WAY better than strawberries and pickles.

Fuck, What's The Name of Mine by Steven


Fuck, What’s the name of Mine? by Steven
Ingredients: Chocovine, ice cream, chocolate syrup

Steven made a kind of chocovine milkshake that turned out to be surprisingly tasty! In fact, many of us asked for seconds! I think it helped that it was served chilled, thanks to the ice cream. The intense cold blocked out a lot of the gross aftertaste you often get with chocovine, and let you just concentrate on the chocolate. He decided on the name moments after remembering that you needed a name, and I think it shows.

ChocoPuddingVine by Patricia


ChocoPuddingVine by Me
Ingredients: Instant Chocolate Pudding mix, chocovine, milk

Since this was my fourth chocovine challenge, I decided I had to go for something different to really set mine apart. Instead of making a drink, I decided to just replace half the milk in instant pudding with chocovine. So a lot like my blue raspberry/instant potato strategy, but not completely crazy and disgusting. I was a little surprised that the pudding was able to set fairly well just sitting on our table within the 10 minute time limit, and it pretty much tasted like normal chocolate pudding with a little kick. I was gratified to see that some people ate more than the required taste!

The Judging
After a process of secret ballot, Steven was declared the winner!!! This puts him at a 75% Chocovine challenge win rate. Clears his emphasis on presentation and meticulous attention to detail is giving him some kind of unfair advantage.

Rob won Most Improved

Megan won Least Like Chocovine (which is totally a compliment)

And I won Most Innovative possibly at my own insistence.

Overall, I’d say this was the most pleasant Chocovine Challenge ever! No one’s entry was so disgusting that I couldn’t swallow, and nothing will haunt my taste buds for all time. I’m pretty sure that’s never happened before. Seriously, we should have a competition where Original Chocovine’s Squidstache by Rachel and Espresso Chocovine’s The Rob by Thomas duke it out for Most Nauseating Thing Ever.

Also, since everyone always leaves the ingredients they brought to compete with in my kitchen, we’re eventually going to have to have “using up past servery challenge ingredients” servery challenge. Stay tuned.

Our celebrity guest judge was annoyed by the secret ballot process, being unable to read

Past Chocovine Challenges:
The Original
Raspberry
Espresso

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Posted in Project Series, Servery Challenges |

VIQVI: Responding to Spam

April 24th, 2012 by pladd

This week on Vitally Important Questions of Vital Importance, I’ve decided to look to the only comments folder that’s consistently full on my blog, the one reserved for spam. Or what my blog thinks is spam. Oh, sure, some of these are just lists of links trying to sell me pirated software or SEO packages or whatever, but others seem to be genuinely reaching out to me. I’m sorry you got filtered into my spam folder, sincere if confused commenters! So I will spend this entry trying to answer your queries personally in any way I can.

Easy Content Services writes:

Hello Website Owner! I found your blog on Google and I really like it. My team provides professional article writing, and we are able to do it for $0.01 per word – that’s $5 for a 500 word article. All of our writers are based in the United States, and all of our articles passes the Copyscape test. If you are interested in using our service, or simply want to give us a try, please check out website out

Hello, Easy Content Services! It sounds like you have a completely legitimate operation going on here, but I’m not convinced your team will be able to watch Sam Neill movies with the dedication and care I require, so I will be respectfully declining your offer.

What is castor oil made from writes:

I really enjoy this template youve got going on on your site. What is the name of the theme by the way? I was thinking of using this style for the web site I am going to make for my school project.

Thanks, What is castor oil made from! I’m glad you like it! It’s called “Steven Wiggins is long suffering”.

Lady Bussone writes:

Hi there, every time i used to check website posts here in the early hours in the daylight, because i enjoy to find out more and more.

Wow! I’m so honored that a member of the landed gentry is reading my blog! I’m not surprised you can only find the time to do it in the early hours of daylight; you’re probably super busy waving from carriages and keeping peasant revolts down.

How To Get Rid of a Sore Throat writes about my post reviewing Goddess Girls: Athena the Brain:

My spouse and I absolutely love your blog and find a lot of your post’s to be just what I’m looking for. can you offer guest writers to write content to suit your needs? I wouldn’t mind writing a post or elaborating on many of the subjects you write regarding here. Again, awesome weblog!

I’m so glad both you and your spouse are so interested in tween fiction! I guess if you wanted to both review a tween version of The Poetic Edda or something I would be okay with that! Send it to me when you’re done!

Tasha Thompson writes about this Sam Neill post:

I have been surfing on-line greater than three hours lately, but I by no means discovered any interesting article like yours. It is pretty value sufficient for me. Personally, if all website owners and bloggers made good content as you probably did, the web will likely be much more helpful than ever before.

I know what you mean, Tasha! It seems like most of the rest of the Internet is completely ignoring Sam Neill for some reason! I’m glad you found my review helpful, I assume in impressing people at parties with your vast knowledge of different Sam Neill movies.

Devis Cumulus writes about this post of pictures from my camera:

An fascinating dialogue is worth comment. I think that you need to write extra on this matter, it might not be a taboo topic but typically individuals are not enough to talk on such topics. To the next. Cheers

You’re right, Devis! Why are individuals not talking more about My Little Pony embroidery or rugs or cakes that clarify that you are in fact da man?? What has our society come to??

17 Knicks writes:

Today, I went to the beachfront with my children. I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She put the shell to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is entirely off topic but I had to tell someone!

Wow, 17 Knicks! I can see why you wanted to share with someone! I too often find my guilt eating away at me Lady Macbeth style until I’m forced to come clean, even just to a stranger on a blog post about the Rice Annual Fund. You knew that shell had a hermit crab in it, didn’t you? I mean, they’re pretty heavy and obvious–you were clearly hoping it would attack your daughter, maybe subconsciously. That’s not the answer to your crushing loneliness and frustration with life as a stay at home mom, 17 Knicks. I hope that you will seek the help you need.

Arvilla Hatherly writes about this Sam Neill post:

I do like the way you have framed this challenge and it really does supply us a lot of fodder for thought. Nonetheless, because of just what I have observed, I basically hope as other commentary pile on that people today continue to be on point and in no way get started upon a soap box of some other news du jour. Yet, thank you for this exceptional piece and although I do not concur with it in totality, I respect your point of view.

Thanks for being respectful even if we don’t agree, Arvilla! It’s okay if you actually liked Alcatraz and weren’t as excited to see Moaning Myrtle in a different context. I too am so annoyed when people use my blog just to comment on the news du jour! This is NOT what the Sam Neill marathon is about, you guys! I’m looking at you, 17 Knicks! Arvilla doesn’t want some soap box in the comments either, maybe about the original Doctor Zhivago, BRIAN. Arvilla is calling you out.

Dovie Number writes about that same Sam Neill update:

had to cry over that blog post it was of superior quality. who could ask for anything more?

I guess it was only a matter of time before one of my Sam Neill updates made someone cry over how great they are. I always just assumed it would be Sam Neill himself, but there’s still time for that. Thanks for the tears, Dovie!

I can’t believe I’ve been basically ignoring my spam folder for so long! Clearly it is just full of compliments!! I feel great! Thanks, Spam!

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Posted in Advice |

Sam Neill Update: Creepster Edition

April 20th, 2012 by pladd

I love when the three Sam Neill movies I watch seem to share a theme through no planning of my own! Unfortunately, today’s theme is skeevy creepsters.

Ivanhoe (1984)

1980s Medieval England was the best Medieval England

The Movie: A film version of the Sir Walter Scott novel of the same name, Ivanhoe returns from the Crusades only to be gravely wounded in a tournament which he still wins. His dad, a staunch Saxon lord, wants nothing to do with him because he’s a supporter of Norman King Richard, and so it falls to Isaac and Rebecca, the Jewish father-daughter team, to attend his wounds while his OTL Lady Rowena looks on. Then everyone goes on a field trip to York, but are captured along the way by Prince John’s jerky knights. One of them wants to marry Rowena, another seems to have a thing for Rebecca, and no one realizes the “injured old woman” is secretly Ivanhoe!

Also, one of them is John Rhys-Davies, seen here being pulled into a homoerotic bath

Luckily Robin Hood and King Richard in disguise rally the local peasants and storm the castle! Everyone lives happily ever after, except Rebecca who gets kidnapped by Brian de Bois-Guilbert, who’s totally a Templar, but still thinks he can run away with her to his chapter house without anyone minding. As an order not known for being all about women, they, of course, are not pleased, and immediately accuse her of Jewish witchcraft! Brian is forced to fight in trial by combat against her champion, Ivanhoe, who’s finally decided to do something besides lie around moaning. Of course, Ivanhoe wins, Brian dies, and everyone lives happily ever after. Oh, except Rebecca, who is clears in love with Ivanhoe, but can’t marry him because she’s not blonde enough. The narrator even tells us at the end that, though Ivanhoe married Rowena, he often thought of Rebecca.

Also, here's Isaac's hat. I thought you'd want to see it.

The Character: Since this is the creepster edition, you can probably guess already that Sam Neill is Brain de Bois-Guilbert, the Templar knight who is all about kidnapping Rebecca. He threatens to rape her at first, but then apologizes at the end of the conversation claiming he’s “not normally like this”.

Sexual assault is maybe not the best ice breaker

When the castle gets stormed, he escapes with her oddly easily, and seems genuinely upset when his fellow Templars put her on trial and threaten to burn her. He suggests they run away and get married in some distant land where he will “treat her like a princess”, but she refuses because he’s creepy and also not Jewish. Then he wants to fight as her champion but the other Templars forbid it. Unlike in the book (I think?), in this movie he’s allowed to redeem himself during his final battle with Ivanhoe. Ivanhoe is still pretty wounded and losing pathetically, until Sam Neill just opens his arms and lets him stab him in the chest.

While the Canadian KKK looked on

I like this version because it takes Ivanhoe’s one heroic act in the story, besides showing Isaac a shortcut through the woods in the beginning, and turns it into a Sam Neill heroic act instead. Go back to your bland WASPy lady, Ivanhoe. Snarky Robin Hood provides the best commentary for this scene:

"....... the F?"

What I Learned: Apparently this book created a lot of the elements of the typical Robin Hood legends we know today!

You should watch this if you like: Medieval period pieces where everyone has 80s hair

Doctor Zhivago (2002 TV movie)

Full disclosure: I did not get through this ridiculously long drama. I watched maybe four and a half hours over a two day period before giving up in despair. Russian literature often overwhelms me for being just too bleak and filled with crushing lack of character agency, so I guess that’s not really a surprise.

For some reason the cover flaunts "6 HOURS!" like it's a good thing

The Movie: Yuri’s dad jumps out of a moving train because he’s so in debt so Yuri is sent to live with his… relatives? At least I think they are until Yuri grows up and totes marries the daughter he was raised beside like a sibling, so maybe they are just creepy family friends? Anyway, Yuri trains to become a doctor and one night is called to assist a woman who has poisoned herself because her lover is not-so-secretly in love with her teenage daughter, Keira Knightley. Yuri naturally falls in love with Keira Knightley, but knows their love can never be because he also sees her being creepily hit on by the much older Viktor. Later he meets her again when he’s a WWI doctor and she’s a nurse, and they have a sort of weird not-quite love affair, before he goes home to find communists have taken over his house. He gets in trouble at his new job at the hospital for saying that there’s a Yellow Fever epidemic, even though there totally is, and his family decides to move to the less dangerous Ural Mountains where his wife’s family has an old shack. Conveniently, near the same town Keira Knightley is now living in! On the way, they befriend a doomed urchin boy and meet Keira Knightley’s ex-husband, who has become an embittered, emotionless communist after discovering his wife’s creepy affair/feelings for Viktor. Everyone looks miserable and the movie beats you over the head with how cruel the world is and how powerless all the characters are. I really tried to continue, but the combination of the bleak historical accuracy, Keira Knightley’s pinchy lips, and Sam Neill’s disappearance after the first 2 hours broke my spirit. I can only assume the hour and a half I didn’t get to contain more of the same. Maybe Sam Neill comes back at some point.

Another common theme of today is ridic hats, apparently

The Character: Sam Neil is Viktor Komarovsky, Keira Knightley’s mom’s lover and also the guy whom Yuri’s dad owed all that money to, leading to his suicide! Russia’s a small world.

We meet again, Mustache Sam

Viktor is a sketchball who somehow convinces Keira Knightley’s delusional mother that he just wants to buy Keira a fancy dress and take her out alone because it’s her birthday. Every time Keira Knightley tells him she doesn’t want to see him anymore, he tells her she doesn’t know what she wants and that “we are the same”. She eventually marries Pasha to get away from him, but when she tells Pasha about her experience and he’s like “Well… you didn’t have a choice”, she starts weirdly defending him, “It wasn’t like that, you don’t understand.”

Stockholm Syndrome much?

Keira Knightley also once tells Mustache Sam that he’ll be the first one up against the wall when the communist revolution comes, but he just laughs at her and says the new regime will also find him rich, powerful, and useful, which, according to a brief skim of Wikipedia about the ending of the book, is pretty much accurate. Sorry, Sam Neill. I wish I could have held on long enough to see your return to this ridiculously long movie, but there are some things even my oddly intense devotion to this blog project won’t justify. You understand, right? I’m pretty sure even you have never sat through more than the first half of Merlin’s Apprentice.

What I Learned: Apparently you can just learn nursing “as you go along”; Bolsheviks hated poetry

You should watch this if you like: really really really really really really long historical Russian melodramas; the fundamental powerlessness of humanity

Reilly: Ace of Spies (1983 TV miniseries)

And you’re going to think the theme of this post is also “slacking” because I only watched the first episode of this show. Whatever, you guys, there are like 12 of them, and if I am going to watch the complete run of any Sam Neill TV show, we all know I’m starting with “Hot Guys Without Shirts“.

Oh, Sam Neill! You know how proud I am whenever you make it onto the cover of anything

The Movie: Sidney Reilly was the real life person whom James Bond is based on! A lot of his life is “shrouded in legend” because he was “a master of deception”. I’m serious, sometimes Wikipedia just can’t help itself. In this first episode (titled “An Affair with a Married Woman”), Reilly is trying to get out of the Russian Empire at the turn of the last century with a secret report about oil or something. But the Russians suspect him and detain him near the border, along with a crabby old Reverend Thomas and his dissatisfied young wife. Natch Reilly immediately starts flirting with Mrs. Thomas, then asks her to come to his room in the night as a decoy for his escape attempt, promising to be “waiting for her” when they both make it back to England. LULZ JK you will be detained in Russian prison for months. Then the British Secret Intelligence Service claim to not know who Reilly is and there’s a huge scandal about Mrs. Thomas maybe sleeping with him FOR ENGLAND under false pretenses. Then he shows up to the press conference they are having about it and is like “lolol u guys r such jokesters of corse u know me EPIC LULZ ON U MRS. T-MAS!”

I'm sorry, something about this cocky grin makes me think in ironic Internet speak

Then when they’re alone he’s basically like “Well, we might as well do it. Your husband’s so old you’re probably going to be a rich widow soon.” She flounces off angry, and Sam Neill discovers someone in the SIS has murdered his favorite prostitute! Also there’s some kind of secret OTHER oil report! Eventually he catches the killer and everyone loves him again, including Mrs. Thomas who totes marries him when her husband dies. What?

Good thing my hate turned to love just in time, as per romantic comedy rules!

The Character: Of course Sam Neill is Reilly: Ace of Spies! Unlike the other entries on this list, his creepsterhood in this show is portrayed as more of a cheeky player. You know, just like James Bond. Though he’s upset about the death of his favorite prostitute Rose, and does try to figure out who killed her, he gets over it quick enough to flash that smirky little grin at Mrs. Thomas. They’re just women, right? Uggggggh.

What I Learned: You shouldn’t milk your cows if you’re “expecting” an earthquake (how does that work?) because the milk will just go bad during it

You should watch this if you like: more historically accurate James Bond; smirky little grins

Previously: Ruthless Businessman, Ex-Prison Guard, Sad Husband
Next: Dad Edition

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Posted in Sam Neill Marathon |

Life Goal: Visit Every US State

April 17th, 2012 by pladd

Much like my quest to see every Sam Neill movie possible, this goal kind of crept up on me, in that I didn’t plan it and only really realized I wanted to achieve it after I already was. Luckily, my relatives are super spread out so I easily filled in typically difficult states like North Dakota. Plus, that giant road trip after college really helped. Our route is pretty apparent just from looking at this map of states I’ve already crossed off:

So far I have yet to visit the country's juicy center

If you want to make your own map, I used this free tool here.

As always, developments as they unfold!

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Posted in Uncategorized |

Cleaning Out my Camera

April 13th, 2012 by pladd

Rainbow Dash embroidery!!

Five balls of yarn, finger knitted

One old t-shirt cut into strips an strung on a hula hoop!

One rug!

Cake from Valentine's Day!

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Posted in Things I've Made |

Ngrams

April 10th, 2012 by pladd

So this week I watched this TED talk about using Google’s database of digitized books to track changes in language use over time! It’s pretty interesting, and the most exciting part is you can totally play with it yourself! You just have to type in the word or words you want to track and the date range. Here are some I made:

Pirates vs. Aliens. Click for full size

Something happened around 1920 and aliens were suddenly way more popular than pirates! Of course, there’s no way of knowing if the books in the database are referring to illegal aliens, space aliens, swashbuckling pirates, or music pirates.

Patricia vs. Steven!

That little Steven bump in the 1870s seems to be because of a book published around then called Steven Lawrence, Yeoman.

North Carolina vs. Florida vs. Texas

I thought I would try various states I’ve lived in! And then:

Sorry, Scotland. You used to be popular but Texas has apparently surpassed you

Try it out for yourself!! There’s also some cool ones on this tumblr.

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Posted in Uncategorized |

Sam Neill Update: Ruthless Businessman, Ex-Prison Guard, Sad Husband

April 6th, 2012 by pladd

According to my spreadsheet, I’m about 75% done with this project!!! That’s assuming no new titles become available on Netflix before the end. I might end up cheating and watching some things on Amazon Instant.

Stiff (2004 TV movie)
Not to be confused with the 2010 film of the same name about necrophilia that apparently was so bad it brought one imdb reviewer to tears.

None of these people are remotely related to law enforcement. Clears they are the best choice for solving this murder mystery!

The Movie: This movie is based on the first in a series of mystery/thriller novels about rising Australian politician Murray Whelan, who keeps solving murders, despite his actual job being something like the Australian version of a congressional aide. This time it’s the mysterious death of a worker at a meat packing plant, which leads to a Turkish conspiracy and multiple attempts on Murray’s life. He eventually solves the murder, accidentally (on purpose?) kills the murderer, and warns the ruthless meat-packing businessman who was in on it that… he totally knows what’s been going down and to watch his back. Also, Murray flirts with the pretty Turkish girl on the cover, fights with his ex-wife, and bemusedly endangers his son for a bit of comic relief.

Your standard grumpy Sam Neill face

The Character: Sam Neill plays the rich businessman who owns the meat-packing plant and is at least turning a blind eye to the Turkish conspiracy and murder going down (if not ordering it? I kind of zoned out during this part). He’s in maybe three scenes, during which he predictably tries to offer bribes and then denies everything. Maybe it’s just because I’ve seen 75% of all Sam Neill movies, but I kind of felt like he wasn’t really trying. “Stereotypical amoral businessman–I could play this in my sleep,” he probably said to his agent. Which is too bad, because the show was totally stolen by this man:

G'day, you've reached a long Australian TV movie, hilarious minor character speaking.

This guy is super angry that a local tattoo parlor made his heart tattoo say “Gaol” instead of “Gail” and is not leaving this office until their licence is revoked! In consequence, he starts answering Murray’s phone for him, taking messages, fixing the office lights, and signing goodbye cards for retiring secretaries.

What I Learned: Australian police clears have their priorities. The only time they show up ever at all (including when Murray’s brakes are cut and his car goes careening into a river) is when the bad guys attempt to plant drugs in his house.

Should you watch this?: It was kind of slow for a mystery, and didn’t really have many clues you could watch for so that you could solve it yourself. But Murray was a funny main character, so I would say maybe, if you’re on a long plane journey or something.

Alcatraz (2012 TV series)
I cheated, since this movie isn’t on Netflix. I was at my parents house and they had an episode of it on their DVR. I guess they started watching it because “Hey, Sam Neill!”, which, we’ve established, is a totally legit reason to do anything.

Look at you, all nearly the center of attention in this promo!!

The Show: Everyone keeps comparing this to Lost, so I was not expecting to understand anything from just watching a single episode. Basically, in 1963 everyone disappeared off of Alcatraz! Where did they go?? Why?? It turns out the answers are The Future and Conspiracy/Science Experiment! Or something. Now it’s the present and a detective team is trying to catch the time traveling criminals and also discover what is the deal. The main character’s grandfather is one of them (he stabs her like woah in the episode I saw!). Everyone’s after these keys to a mysterious underground room with cute olde-timey science equipment inside! What’s really going on? Like Lost, I actually don’t care very much.

You'd think a creepy prison island would be more compelling, I don't know

The Character: Sam Neill is Emerson Hauser, some kind of high up government official in charge of dealing with this issue. He was also once an Alcatraz guard back in the day! His female doctor OTL disappeared too along with the prisoners and then recently came back, which is apparently why he is so gruff and acts like a jerk all the time. How do you deal with what is suddenly a 50 year age difference? Also, it’s weird to hear him in an American accent.

But look!! He got his own desktop wallpaper on the Fox site!! Exciting!!

What I Learned: Not even the government’s best technologies or explosive can get through a door with three keys from pre-1960s.

Should you watch this?: Maybe if you started from the beginning you would care more, or if you like the “this is a deep mystery/we are actually just making this up as we go” style of TV.

Yes (2004)
This movie was pretty weird, but maybe kind of good? It definitely wasn’t what I was expecting.

I was judging by the cover, can you blame me?

The Movie: You guys. You guys. You guys. This movie was nuts, and here is why. First up, Moaning. Freaking. Myrtle.

First scene in the movie is her monologuing to the camera. Same ghost girl voice and everything.

I recognized her by her voice instantly. But it wasn’t until the next scene that I was sure:

Girl knows her way around a toilet.

Needless to say, having Moaning Myrtle narrate your film is the BEST possible choice for both weirding me out and making me pay attention. Plus, this entire movie was in iambic pentameter!!! Sometimes rhyming!!! Which just added new levels of eeriness. Here’s the deal (Moaning Myrtle aside). Characters only called “She” and “He” start a torrid affair because “She” is unhappy with her husband Anthony.

He could be saying anything, but in iambic pentameter it sounds all Shakespearean and seductive

Then there’s some angst about her failed marriage, and He returns to Beirut because everyone in England is racially prejudice. Then Her aunt dies while telling her to go to Cuba because Fidel Castro is awesome, and He follows her eventually. Happily Ever After?

Sam Neill, why are you always playing either crazy people or cuckolds?

The Character: Sam Neill is Anthony, Her husband. He seems more upset than She is about their marriage breaking up, but refuses to “make a scene”. Also, Moaning Myrtle and She both accuse him of cheating on her first so maybe he deserves it. Unfortunately, he deals with his grief by confiding in his young goddaughter and dancing sadly while reading business papers, not cutting off her fingers.

Choppy McAxeFace, where are you now?

What I Learned: Shirley Henderson will never be able to be in another movie without me shouting “MOANING MYRTLE” and being equal parts excited and freaked out. Sorry, Shirley.

Should you watch this?: Yes. Maybe. It’s so weird and kind of awesome that it’s in iambic pentameter. I guess because the only other movies that do that are adaptions of Shakespeare plays. It’s strange and great to find something so modern doing that. I think I’d watch it just for that (and Moaning Myrtle), not so much the kind of slow plot.

Previously: Rebel, Soldier, Godfather
Next: Creepster Edition

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Posted in Sam Neill Marathon |

Goddess Girls: Athena the Wise

April 3rd, 2012 by pladd

This is the last Goddess Girls review for awhile! Still waiting for Book 7, Artemis the Loyal, at the library! And Book 8, Medusa the Mean comes out today!! I’m pretty excited to read something from Medusa’s point of view!

I don't know why Athena let Heracles be front and center on her own cover

Summary of Amazingness
By Patricia
Athena’s dad Zeus tells her to “help out” Mt. Olympus Academy’s newest student, a determined mortal named Heracles! Hercules must complete 12 Labors set by his lame cousin Eurystheus within one week to earn his place at MOA! Since Eurystheus is such a tool, the labors mostly involve catching or killing giant beasts, and Athena has her work cut out for her convincing Heracles to use his brains as well as his strength. Plus, since they’ve been spending so much time together, rumors are flying around school that they are in like with each other!!! How embarrassing! But could it be true?? Also, snotty mortal weaver Arachne challenges Athena to a weaving contest, and then weaves an insulting tapestry about Athena’s fly mom. So, pissed, Athena turns her into a spider as per her Revenge-ology textbook’s suggestion of “things to turn mortals into”.

Or, you know, just stab her face, whatever

Faithfulness to Original Mythos
By Steven
I admit, this one threw me for a bit of a loop; much as I love ragging on the mangled mythologies in these books, this one did a better than usual job of staying on target. So long as we overlook the bits made entirely out of whole cloth (Athena joining Hercules for half his tasks on Zeus’ assignment, Athena’s crush on Hercules and its attendant middle school drama, etc.), the only major departures from the original are those of omission. Hera is strikingly absent for a work about Hercules, and his parentage is (as usual for these books) tactfully not mentioned, but the Twelve Labors get a pretty decent coverage, albeit with slightly more interference from Athena than in the original. The tasks (not to mention Eurystheus) are rendered fairly bloodless, but this is a tween-age novel, so that’s to be expected. The only significant departure is actually not about Hercules at all, but rather regards Athena and Arachne; Arachne’s hubris is depicted fairly enough as is the spirit of her spiteful weaving (according to the Ovidian version, anyway), but the contents of both girls’ tapestries are rewritten extensively from the original. In Arachne’s case that makes sense for the book’s audience (her original is pretty much the laundry list of philandering shape-shifting gods shown in flagrante delicto), but Athena’s is changed from the original series of cautionary tales about contests between mortals and gods (and their inevitable outcomes) to Hercules’ labors, apparently as a later plot point. At least they kept the temple of the Twelve Olympians intact as the main piece. In summary, though, it’s pretty true to the story. Grab a copy of Ovid or Hesiod if you don’t believe me.

Steven read two actual books to write the above paragraph! This is why he's the expert

Tween Girl Life Lessons
By Patricia
1) Even if things seem impossible at first, there’s usually a tricky, riddle-like solution if you just use your brain.
2) Boys are strong, but kind of dumb.
3) Even if you like-like a boy, he should never try to kiss you under false pretenses.
4) In middle school, talking to a boy is a sign of betrothal.

Strong, but dumb

Steven’s Favorites!
Character: Tie between the Erymanthian Boar (or is that bore?) and Eurystheus, the cowardly king
Part: Zeus and his Cosmo-esque Temple Digest magazine. “Corinthian, Ionic, or Doric? What your choice of columns says about you!”
Thing I Learned: Little known fact; Revenge-ology is an exact science. Not sure about the proper response? Consult your text-scroll for handy tables!

Patricia’s Favorites!!
Character: Zeus. He only drinks “Zeus Juice”, which I think is code for ouzo, and sends Heracles on this ridic quest all to have something stylish to depict on his new temple’s walls.
Part: Athena defeats the hydra by confusing it with math!
Thing I Learned: The gods should sometimes show mercy to stupid mortals… j/k always turn them into animals lol!

Previously: Persephone the Phony

Or read them in order:
Book 1, Book 2, Book 3, Book 4, Book 5, Book 6

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