Archive for September, 2011

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Dear Unknown Muggle: The Wizarding World Finally Reaches Out to Me

September 30th, 2011 by pladd

OMG YOU GUYS BEST LIBRARY FIND EVER! I was shelving books in the teen area when I picked up a folded piece of paper sitting on the edge of one of the shelves. Naturally, I opened it before recycling to see if it was filled with juicy gossip, but it was SO MUCH BETTER! Here is a scan:

Yes, that IS a rip in the paper labeled "Bloody Owl!"

I mean, I can’t say I’m surprised. Obviously if you’re going to take your magical family on a muggle vacation, you would end up at the Holly Springs Library. You can TELL this was written by an authentic English witch because she uses the word “bloody” TWICE and also “horrid”. My only point of confusion is that it is written in pencil on notebook paper instead of on parchment with a quill, but I assume it is all part of her undercover muggle disguise.

After years of picking up pieces of paper with chewed gum stuck to them in the stacks, I feel like this was the universe’s way of giving me a reward.

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Posted in Library Tales |

Sam Neill Update: Total Player, Overbearing Dad, Crackpot

September 27th, 2011 by pladd

The Good Wife (1987)
Apparently the only thing to do in interwar Australian small towns was sleep around!

Can you blame them? Look at those sexy, sexy hats

The Movie: Marge is married to a good guy that she loves(?) but she still seems really bored with her life. So when her husband’s kind of weird younger brother Sugar wants to try out sleeping with her, she basically says “Whatevs”. Oddly, so does her husband. Then a hot new bar tender comes to town and attempts to force himself on her! She says no (eventually), but then spends weeks mooning after him, wondering why he won’t hit on her again. He’s hitting on everyone else! What’s wrong with me?? , she weeps. Eventually she causes a huge scandal, but the bar tender is embroiled in a scandal of his own and forced to leave town. She tries to go with him, but he throws her off the train. Like, literally. He grabs her by the shoulders and pushes her off a moving train. She wakes up days later at home, where she tries to leave (from shame?) but her husband tells her she has nowhere else to go. The end!

That train is maybe the only thing in this movie Sam Neill DIDN'T sleep with

The Character: Sam Neill is the bartender who has won every heart in town! I’m not surprised; he’s clearly trying to channel Clark Gable. He orchestrates a threesome that becomes a foursome, and somehow nobody minds. When someone starts to cause trouble in the bar, he calmly kicks his ass without even breaking a sweat. Plus, he’s not afraid to throw a lady from a moving train.

Thing I Learned: Women weren’t allowed in bars back then, so they had something called a “Ladies Parlor” or “Ladies Lounge” that adjoined the bar and had a little window through which they could order from the bar tender. Marge uses it to shriek at Sam Neill to come sex her up in front of amused bar patrons.

Would I Watch This Movie Without Sam Neill?: Probably not. Sam Neill’s character was pretty much the one draw this movie had for me. I completely understood Marge’s boredom with her surroundings, but would feel more empathy for her if she had run away or done something awesome, instead of trying to cause scandals and sleeping with her weird brother-in-law.

In Her Skin (2009)

As per Netflix Marathon rules, I made no attempt to restart this movie or see the rest of it at the point the DVD crapped out, probably about 40-60 minutes in. So, I’ve only seen the first part of this movie, and, unlike Merlin’s Apprentice, Wikipedia and imdb are less helpful in reconstructing the rest. I will therefore be reporting on the part I saw, plus what I imagine happened in the lost ending.

I find ballerinas creepy in general; this movie and Black Swan are totes not helping

The Movie: Once again, this movie was based on a true story. Caroline Reid has always been unhappy. She hates her looks, her mom, and pretty much everything about herself, except her dad, who seems kind of distant and annoyed, especially after the divorce. She is fascinated by and jealous of Rachel, who lives across the street and seems to have the perfect life: beautiful, ballet-dancing body, hot boyfriend, loving parents and sisters. So Caroline kidnaps and kills Rachel, and then starts trying to sort of absorb her life, starting with wearing her clothes. Meanwhile, Rachel’s parents, Eowyn and the time machine guy, are frantic, the police less so. That’s about where my DVD cut out, so I am left to assume that Sam Neill brought his horrible daughter to JUSTICE.

Apparently she also goes to the hospital, I assume because Sam Neill pushed her through a window

The Character: Sam Neill plays Caroline’s distant and uncaring dad, who clearly would rather be doing pretty much anything else than deal with his crazy, whiny daughter. Unfortunately, I only got to see him in one scene before the DVD failed, so who KNOWS what kind of awesome things he did in the rest of the movie! We may never know, but I’m imagining he discovers Caroline’s crimes while using her as a test subject of his latest, wildly unstable invention. Yeah, in my version the job he is always too busy with to care about Caroline is Mad Scientist, and it’s awesome. In reality, he seems to care a lot about appearances, so it’s possible he discovers her crimes but tries to cover them up.

Thing I Learned: Gotta watch out for those fat people

Would I Watch Without Sam Neill?: Nope. Fun fact: this is the Sam Neill movie that finally broke Steven. I suspect him of sabotage, because he was angling for me to turn it off even before the DVD “broke”. He then vowed never to watch another Sam Neill movie with me again, crying at the ceiling “WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS TO ME SAM NEILL????” You WISH Sam Neill was in our attic, Steven. Anyway, I admit I was worried that Steven would forsake Sam Neill, making it impossible for us to watch anything together for at least the next few months. But then this week we watched the first half of The Triangle, so I think it’s going to be okay. He’s a born-again Sam Neill fan. But In Her Skin really shook his faith.

To the Ends of the Earth (2005 miniseries)

It’s really great that Sam Neill’s head is gigantic on this cover, since the main character is actually the guy next to him.

The actor's name is Benedict Cumberbatch, which I assume means he is actually an Edwardian butler.

The Movie: This three-part miniseries is based on a trilogy of novels by William Golding published in the 1980s. The story follows young aristocrat Edmund Talbot on his voyage from England to Australia back in the days when opium was a totally acceptable sea sickness cure (1812). Basically, it’s a 19th-century version of Big Brother. Everyone’s trapped on a boat with each other, and everyone is a different brand of crazy. There’s a passenger with two mistresses (one posing as his daughter–awkward!), a scrappy 1st lieutenant from humble beginnings who just wants to prove himself, a crazy crackpot, a disgraced Frenchman, a servant who dies and then comes back and then dies, and a captain obsessed with his on-ship garden. Plus this one time they almost hit a glacier. Eventually, Edmund learns a lot of life lessons about who he is as a man, and successfully makes it to Australia.

Sam Neill maintains this level of disapproval for the ENTIRE 267 minutes it is magical

The Character: Sam Neill IS Mr. Prettiman, the crackpot!!! It is amazing!!! He has some historically weird political beliefs and at one point tells Edmund that women’s brains can’t handle Greek, but the best part is that he is “the inveterate foe of every superstition.” Someone brings up how they’re on a ship so shooting an albatross would be SUPER unlucky (Rime of the Ancient Mariner was first published 14 years prior), and he demands that someone give him a gun so that he can PROVE THEM WRONG, and spends the rest of the episode prowling about the deck in the background of the action, looking for an albatross to shoot the hell out of! Then he hurts his leg, gets awkwardly married to an equally disapproving governess, and has many an awk convo with Edmund about what to do with Mrs. Crackpot after his death (hint: it involves a secret letter of sex reportage).

Mr. and Mrs. Crackpot hate your inferior hats with equal vehemence

This Sam Neill might be my new favorite Sam Neill!!

What I Learned: Okay, so if your mast has been kerjiggered out of whack and isn’t in the right position to hoist a sail, just thrust some iron in there and then heat it up. Something about metal expanding or whatever will SOLVE EVERYTHING! Until days later after everyone but Scrappy Lieutenant has gotten off. Then the whole thing will catch on fire! It’s physics!

Would I Watch Without Sam Neill?: Yes, although I would miss him terribly. The other characters were all crazy and entertaining in their own ways, and sailing in an old-timey ship is exciting!

Previously: SuperCroc, Apartheid, Boat Kidnapping
Next: Mustache Sam, Bolshevik Doctor, Choppy McAxeFace

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Posted in Project Series, Sam Neill Marathon |

The Circle Opens Book 3: Cold Fire

September 27th, 2011 by pladd

You could maybe tell from the title of this book that it’s about Daja, who has metal and smith powers! I’ve never had anything against Daja, except her moping through two Circle of Magic books before realizing that the Circleteers were really her friends. But that all got cleared up in Daja’s Book when she stopped a forest fire. This book is also about Daja stopping fires, perhaps because Tamora Pierce has a hard time thinking of ways for her to save the day with metal? Once again, Daja has to use her powers to try to save lives when fire gets out of control, only this time she’s up against an arsonist instead of the forces of nature! And you know I love when there’s a bad guy!

Daja and her teacher Frostpine are staying the winter in a medieval-fantasy version of Denmark? Maybe? It’s really cold and everyone gets around by ice-skating the frozen canals. As in the first two books in the series, Daja notices that the twin daughters of the family they’re staying with have special, previously-undetected magic with cooking and carpentry. Unlike the other two books, the city is apparently full of cooking-mages and carpentry-mages, so Daja is able to pawn the girls off onto better-suited teachers fairly quickly, leaving most of the story devoted to catching the arsonist who is hiding in their midst! Not-even-a-spoiler alert: it’s the guy in charge of fire brigades. This would be a huge shocker if we didn’t get whole passages from his point of view plotting to set things on fire fairly early on, making all the “No… IT CAN’T BE!” moments at the end kind of tiring.

Awards

Best New Character Award: It’s a tie between Heluda Salt, Police Mage, and Olennika Potcracker, Kitchen Mage. But I like them both for the same reason: being tough kickass women! Olennika doesn’t attend mage banquets because she’s “referred publicly to the richer of our members as parasites”(203). Heluda responds that she’s probably being too generous since at least real parasites feed other creatures so they can be good for something. Rock on, Lady Mages!

Returning Character Honorable Mention: Frostpine!
I’ve never really noticed Daja’s teacher before, except once when some other adult hints that he was (is?) a total, total player, but he is actually pretty funny. I like how he acts casually protective around Daja at times (like when BOYS are involved), but also casually gives her a lot of freedom to experiment and screw up. Plus, he sits naked in the kitchen fire.

Daja’s Improvement Score: +10% =85/100
Previously Daja has been a C-student for me. She’s not bad by any means, and I sometimes really like her stoic nature. She was about average as a main character in the first series, and luckily she has improved somewhat in this one! Congrats, Daja, you’re a B-student now! Without her friends to help her, Daja has to do more talking and standing up for herself, which she does pretty well! I don’t know if she’ll ever be my fave, but I wouldn’t mind hanging out with her.

Thing I Most Wish Was Real: Cooking magic! I think I’ve finally found the Circleeter-world magic that is for me! Now I guess I just have to wait for one of these wandering teen-mages to discover me and be forced to become my teacher!

The Play-by-Play

Chapter one
Daja and Frostpine are staying with Frostpine’s friends in the Frozen North! He has a bunch of daughters, but only two important ones, twins named Nia and Jory. Daja sees Jory put some magic into something she’s mixing in the kitchen. FIRE! Everyone runs outside and forms efficient bucket chains to put out the fire. Ben, a local merchant/expert in fire prevention, taught everyone how to handle fires because the whole city is made of wood. Daja is mad impressed that he can do all that without any magic, and he is mad impressed that Daja can command fire.

Chapter two
Frostpine bitches about being cold, as he will for the entire book. He explains that Daja has to help the twins with their magic, and that if one twin has magic, the other will too. It’s the first law of twins. Daja talks to Nia and Jory’s parents, who are happy their daughters have magic, but also annoyed that it will apparently ruin marriage negotiations. No one wants a headstrong mage wife!
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Posted in Book Reviews |

Vitally Important Questions of Vital Importance

September 23rd, 2011 by pladd

It’s been brought to my attention that I am an expert in some things (zombies, Sam Neill movies) and also know a little bit about a lot of other things (sewing, Daylight Saving Time). Plus, I am totally willing to tell other people what to do! These qualities all qualify me to answer questions in my very own advice column! You don’t have to deny your secret longings anymore; I know you’ve all been waiting for this day!

My first question comes from Brian R. of Texas. Brian writes:

If there were zombie sheep, or hypothetically any zombie animal species, would they only lust after the brains of members of the same species? This is important e.g. if a certain jobless young man has dreams of someday moving to New Zealand but wants assurance that if the extremely large sheep population there were to suddenly all become zombies, he would not be at risk. Thanks!

Zombie animals are a hotly debated topic amongst those of us who may or may not frequent zombie preparedness forums. Max Brooks, my personal favorite zombie expert, calls shenanigans on this in no uncertain terms:

Brooks, M. (2003). The zombie survival guide: Complete protection from the living dead. New York: Three Rivers Press, pg 4.

Yeah, my copy of Zombie Survival Guide is highlighted in parts, but you don’t hear me lecturing you about your lack of preparedness, so…

In World War Z zombies will consume animals if no humans are available, but in the remake of Dawn of the Deadthey won’t even do that: the zombies completely ignore a dog winding its way through their horde. The Resident Evil series is on the other side of this debate, where the virus in question manages to mutate and infect dogs and birds. However, the Resident Evil series also includes random telepathy and this:

Don't even get me started on the ridiculousness of Mila's outfit

The virus in Resident Evil can apparently not only infect humans and animals, but also somehow manages to kill all plants and water on the planet. So I tend to pretty much ignore the whole thing as a fever dream and not a good source for zombie knowledge. Another movie reference that I think is relevant, particularly when discussing sheep and New Zealand is this masterpiece:

There are 40 million sheep in New Zealand... and they are pissed off!

The sheep are infected with a virus that makes them crave human flesh, and bitten humans will become sheep-men creatures, which pretty much describes a sheep version of the zombie virus jumping species. However, like in most zombie movies, the main people to be punished are hippies and evil scientists, so unless those are the jobs you’re applying for in New Zealand, I would say you’re probably safe. I don’t really buy zombie animals as a thing.

HOWEVER

Science does. I know it’s not as fun to turn to science for answers as it is B-movies and books erroneously shelved in the humor section, but there are a lot of species of insect that can be controlled by parasites. Even some forms of crab and maybe even humans? Okay, the human one is not even a huge deal, the parasite may by more likely to make men angry and women outgoing–the scientists might be confusing the parasite with alcohol. And even in many of the animals the controlling parasite doesn’t often KILL its host until the very end. There’s not really any reanimating going on here, so I would deem it zombie-like at best.

So, Brian from Texas, the short answer is, you’re safe unless you buy Resident Evil as a valid source of information. Or until the zombie virus mutates horribly!

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Posted in Advice, Project Series |

Sam Neill Update: SuperCroc, Apartheid, Boat Kidnapping

September 20th, 2011 by pladd

SuperCroc (2001 TV)
Not to be confused with the monster movie of the same name, this is a National Geographic documentary narrated by Sam Neill!

It didn't walk with dinosaurs... IT ATE THEM!!!

The Movie: The documentary follows a paleontologist and a crocodile expert traveling the world to study modern day crocodiles in an attempt to make educated guesses about what the ancient supercroc (or Sarcosuchus, if you want to get technical) was like. The documentary began with digging up some Sarcosuchus bones in the Sahara, including a massive skull, but without more of the body they needed measurements and ratios from modern versions to guess at how big supercroc was (answer: about 40 feet long, 8.75 tons). Interspersed with capturing and measuring the world’s different crocodile and alligator species is kind of bad computer animation about what we imagine prehistoric supercroc was like. And it chomping down on dinosaurs.

Also I learned that this exists

The Character: Since this was a documentary he was narrating, I never actually got to see Sam Neill, which, as you can guess, was a bit of a blow since you know I love making fun of his clothes. He was really good at narrating, though, providing some ironic detachment from the alligator expert, who was annoyingly excitable. I think he would do really well recording audiobooks! I still enjoyed this more than A Cry in the Dark; thanks for teaching me something, Sam Neill!

Best Sam Neill Quote: (after annoying alligator guy has captured a big crocodile and tied it down in the back of his pick up, asking can you IMAGINE what supercroc would be like?) “You’d need a bigger truck”.

Thing I Learned From This Movie: Alligators have medicine in their blood that heals their wounds from the inside!

Would I Have Watched This Without the Lure of Sam Neill?: Yes, but only while doing something else, like cooking

Skin (2008)

This movie was based on a true story, so, once again, I learned something! You’ve just spent this week educating me, Sam Neill!

Also, Sam Neill's Afrikaner accent is crazy!

The Movie: Sandra Laing looks black (is black? This terminology is a major issue in the movie too) but both of her parents are white Afrikaners in apartheid-era South Africa. Obvs this causes all kinds of problems, such as is she allowed to attend a white school? And how to stop everyone from being terrible to her there? Who can she marry? Can she legally even live with her parents? At one point a professor explains that she is probably the result of African/European intermarrying at some point far back in her parents’ ancestral past, something he claims most Afrikaners have in their genes at some point. Sandra takes a lot of crap, even from her own family, and eventually runs away with a black man, whom she can’t even legally marry since she is technically classified as white. Their relationship can’t survive their differences in background–he gets really pissed when she keeps trying to contact her mother–and she eventually runs away from him, starting a new life with their two children. Eventually she reunites with her mom, but her dad dies, leaving her money but never speaking to her again. The part I remember the most is just a simple scene without any dialog, showing Sandra and her mother going shopping for a new dress. Because Sandra isn’t allowed inside the store, her mother and a saleslady stand in the window with the mannequins, holding up various choices while Sandra stands outside, pointing to ones she likes and pantomime pleading with her mother for the one she wants.

Sam Neill, as always, at the height of fashion

The Character: Of course Sam Neill is Abraham Laing, her stubborn, domineering father. He is pretty much ace at playing troubled dad characters at this point. He pushes the government continually until they finally decide to determine race based on ancestry, not appearance, and just as stubbornly tries to force Sandra to have a “normal” life, even going so far as to not care when some guy sexually assaults her since at least he’s white. He delivers an ultimatum after she runs off with her black boyfriend: return home now or never see your family again. He then spends most of the rest of the film burning her letters and trying to prevent his wife from seeing her through creepily serious death threats. “If I ever see her here again, I’ll kill them. And then myself.” Towards the end of the movie, when Sam Neill is dying of cancer, he tries to leave the house to find Sandra and apologize to her, but his wife won’t let him, claiming that they don’t deserve her forgiveness. Which is a nice sentiment, but, you know, Sandra is pretty much homeless and starving so maybe put your high horse away, mom. Sam Neill’s Abraham Laing is believably terrible to his family, sticking with the government-sanctioned racism that would definitely have been the status quo at the time this movie is set. I still end up feeling bad for him at the end when he realizes what a dick he’s been. Oh, Sam Neill, it’s so hard to hate you for realsies.

Thing I Learned From This Movie: Sandra Laing is a real person and most of the events in this movie really happened!

Would I Watch This Without Sam Neill?: From reading the description, no, but if I started it I would end up liking it.

Perfect Strangers (2003)

Pretty sure Sam Neill agreed to this movie because he got to spend a lot of it pretending to be dead inside a freezer.

The description made it sound like a romcom, and it is, if you like CRAZY

The Movie: Melanie lives a pretty boring life, until one night she decides to go home with a mysterious hot guy she meets at a bar. Except when she wakes up the next morning she is on his boat, since his home is on a remote deserted island! Plus, he seems to know a lot about her, and keeps saying things like “I would do ANYTHING for you!” Then he cooks them a romantic dinner, burns her old clothes, and insists that they can’t sleep together until she loves him. In her attempts to escape the next morning–since she is apparently too dumb to realize there are two locks on the door hotel room style–she ends up accidentally stabbing The Man (that’s how he’s listed in the credits–we never know his name), and then trying to nurse him back to health. Of course, he ends up dying, but that’s cool, she just stashes his body in the freezer and starts hallucinating him, imagining an elaborate and romantic relationship between them. Eventually some guy she used to know arrives, and apparently it’s really his house but The Man just rents it? And she tries to kill him too? But then he’s cool with it? And they get married? The last scene is her dancing with her hallucination at her own wedding to the other guy! Yeah, supper sweet.

I assume they chose Sam Neill because he makes a great corpse

The Character: Sam Neill plays The Man, and he acts the hell out of it! The Man doesn’t have too many lines, preferring silent mystery/being dead, but in the beginning of the kidnapping I was really unsure if I was creeped out by him or wanted to date him. Then Melanie revealed herself to be crazy to the power of twelve, so Sam Neill definitely now appears to be the most sane, attractive character in this film. It’s like she waited to get Stockholm syndrome until he was already dead, so she just had to fall in love with his corpse/hallucination. My favorite part is when she has a gun out, trying to shoot the Island Owner, and she asks Sam Neill’s specter if you can kill someone twice. Sam Neill shrugs and suggests that she just better try it to see. Then she throws a little pity party about how she never meant to kill him, which is weird since she did stick a knife in his stomach.

Thing I Learned: Pro tip: When the girl you’ve kidnapped locks you out of your own house, the best thing to do is start a smile fire under it and smoke her out!

Would I Watch This Without Sam Neill?: Yes, thinking it was a romantic comedy! Then I’d end up finishing it despite mounting unease out of a morbid curiosity.

Previously: Merlin (again), Erotic Artist, Tragic Dingo Victim
Next: Total Player, Overbearing Dad, Crackpot!

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Posted in Project Series, Sam Neill Marathon |

Carrboro Tour: Elmo’s Diner

September 16th, 2011 by pladd

Elmo’s Diner is, hands down, my favorite restaurant. I know it’s nothing fancy or really all that special, but if Steven asks me where I want to go to eat, the only reason I might not say Elmo’s is that we went there yesterday. Not that I could ever get sick of Elmo’s–I just don’t want the waiters to think I’m stalking them. If you visit us from out of town, chances are we will be taking you to Elmo’s. Example:

THE 434 Elmo's reunion! Plus Steven.

The first point in its favor is that it’s super close to my house and has a good sized parking lot, since it’s part of Carr Mill Mall. Unlike real malls, Carr Mill is actually an old timey cotton mill from 1898! Now filled with fancy hipster stores, the fanciest Rita’s I have ever been in, and Elmo’s Diner!

Lucky there is nothing too fancy about Elmo

You can see inside where some old windows have been bricked over, and the green booths sometimes make me feel like I’m in a train.

A pre-haircut Steven, shy about having his picture taken in his natural environment

The second best thing about Elmo’s is its massive variety of food! The menu itself is large, and you can get breakfast any time! This is great news for me, since I pretty much only want to eat breakfast food after 3pm, and Steven hates eggs. Anywhere I can eat an omelette for dinner is a good place in my heart. Also, they have new breakfast and lunch/dinner specials every day, AND a bewildering list of “[Insert Food Category] of the day”. For a blurry example:

Yes, Cobbler and Dessert are two separate categories. I know, it's genius.

That’s right, every day there is a different Hot Soup, Cold Soup, Salad, Veggie, Quiche, Enchilada, Cobbler, and Dessert. THIS is why I could go to Elmo’s every day and not get sick of it. It is always different! Case in point:

Steven politely set aside his voracious hunger while I photographed our meal

I’m a big fan of Elmo’s sandwiches. There’s lots of different kinds, but they come with crinkly fries OR applesauce! I almost always choose applesauce for the joy of its randomness. And because it makes me feel like I’m eating lunch in the middle school cafeteria, except nothing smells like despair. This particular sandwich was a special that day; it was delicious turkey and avocado! Observe:

Glorious!

Steven chose one of the dinner specials, Shepard’s pie with ground turkey. Most of the dinners come with 1+ sides (also a bewildering variety of choices) and a bread choice. There is no wrong bread choice! I usually go for the biscuit, but this time Steven chose cornbread. No shame in that.

His side was salad, which is like the least exciting choice, sorry

Elmo’s also does a mean milkshake, and gives you the extra in the metal cup thing like any really classy milkshake place should. Since today was a special photo session, we opted out of milkshakes so we could order dessert!

If this doesn't fill you with joy, you're either lactose intolerant or dead inside. Multi-colored sprinkles!!!!

Come visit me and we can go to Elmo’s together!! You haven’t lived until you’ve ordered the hot and cold soup of the day in one order or seriously discussed with a waiter the exact degree of chocolateyness you want in your chocolate milk (70% chocolateyness, 100% tastiness always).

Elmo’s, if you’re reading, you can repay me in milkshakes and Greek Grilled Cheese Sandwiches. With applesauce.

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Posted in Road Trip |

The Circle Opens Book 2: Street Magic

September 13th, 2011 by pladd

This book had lots of things going for it! One, it’s about Briar! He is my second favorite Circleteer! I realized last night that I pretty much like them in order of bitchiness because it seems more realistic to me. Like the first book in this new, more badass Circleteer series, it also has actual bad guys! A lot of them! And, like Sandry, Briar finds a young kid with strange magic and is forced by the “He who smelt it dealt it” law of mage-finding to be her teacher! Also, Briar gets back to his street rat roots with some gang warfare! Exciting!

The cover on the left makes Briar really look like a creeper

Briar and his teacher Rosethorn are traveling to the far off land of Yanjing, which seems to be fantasy-medieval Japan if their penchant for Bonsai trees is any indication. On the way they stop in the dusty, ancient city of Chammur, somewhere in fantasy-medieval Arabia. I would be cool with this change of scene, except that there is absolutely NOTHING good about fantasy-medieval Arabia! Everyone is a jerk or some kind of criminal, the land is constantly described as “tired” and too old to function, and Briar and Rosethorn pretty much can’t wait to get away. Chammur has, literally, no redeeming qualities. Briar meets no nice people besides foriegners who are equally attempting to escape, discovers no natural beauty, interesting customs, or anything to be happy about at all. The moral of the story apparently is that Islamic countries suck, and you should do everything within your power to escape them before you are trapped forever in this scorching, corrupt cesspit with no redeeming features.
So… kind of an interesting stance for a children’s book.

Awards

Best New Character: Lady Zenadia doa Atteneh
Okay, there weren’t a lot of likable new characters to choose from because, as I’ve said, Chammur is the worst place ever, and Lady Z is kind of annoying and not really developed. BUT she’s a fancy rich lady who decides to sponsor a street gang because she’s bored. And then dispenses swift, languid murder when they don’t do as she says. Way to commit to your hobby, Lady Z.

Returning Character Honorable Mention: Briar
Briar and Rosethorn are the only two returning characters, and Rosethorn spends most of the book on some kind of farm field trip despite the fact that Briar and Evvy are almost murdered by street children like every day.

Briar’s Improvement Score: -7%= 89/100
What happened to you, Briar, you used to be cool! Unfortunately, Briar has left his past as a wise-talking street urchin behind him, so much so that he forgets to protect his valuables in public and glamorizes gang life. He keeps pressuring Evvy to join a gang, even though gangs have caused pretty much all this book’s problems. He’s still my second fave, but I was sad to see that he’s grown more responsible and less funny.

Thing I Most Wish Was Real: Magical Bonsai Trees
Bonsai trees are already amazing in the normal world, so I can only assume adding magic would make them even better!

The Play-by-Play

Chapter one
Being back in the big city makes Briar think back to his street rat days a lot. As he’s wandering the market he sees a girl polishing some stones at a gem merchant’s stall. He notices that she’s putting magic into them or something and asks her about it. She freaks out and runs away. Some kids his age with fancy nose ring bling try to rough him up for being on Viper territory! Briar insists he’s not in a gang. The Vipers are apparently funded by fancy Lady Z, who is now interested in Evvy! Since apparently stone mages are really useful? I must assume so, since this is basically the plot of the rest of the book.

Chapter two
Rosethorn explains the rules of finding mages to Briar, who grumbles, realizing he’ll have to find Evvy again. This leads to a chase across the rooftops because we are apparently in the movie Aladdin.
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Posted in Book Reviews |

Sam Neill Update: Merlin (again), Erotic Artist, Tragic Dingo Victim

September 9th, 2011 by pladd

I’ve decided one of my favorite things about Sam Neill is how his accent can change pretty dramatically with each movie!

Merlin’s Apprentice (TV Movie) (2006)
For full disclosure: I got this DVD from Netflix and it whimped out on me about 20 minutes in to “Part 2” of this 2-part TV movie. However, Sam Neill’s character died at the end of Part 1, so you can’t make me feel guilty about not even trying to restart. At that point it was pretty much any excuse to stop watching the terribleness. However, I did read a summary of Part 2 on wikipedia, and unfortunately it makes even less sense than I predicted.

This movie has to be a front for something else, right? Sam, what are you doing?

The Movie: So, this is sort of a sequel to Merlin (1998), except it doesn’t follow any of the same story or have any of the same characters, except that Sam Neill is Merlin and Miranda Richardson is the Lady of the Lake, but a different Merlin and Lady of the Lake. I don’t really understand why, but probably because no one else would agree to sign on for this since the plot is ridic. Check it: Merlin is super sleepy after doing all this work to make a perfect Camelot so he finds some cave and goes to sleep. But, whoops, he wakes up 50 years later! Everyone he knows is dead and Camelot has gone to shit. The Holy Grail has disappeared because Camelot is no longer pure, and vaguely-Viking-like barbarian hordes are sweeping ever closer to destroy it. The Lady of the Lake is on their side and helping them with her magic because Camelot has “polluted her waters”. Luckily Merlin finds Jack, a young thief with magical talent and takes him on as an apprentice! Jack has a pig sidekick who may be magical too? Inconclusive. Other characters include: Sir Gawain’s granddaughter, the blacksmith she is secretly in love with, and a girl pretending to be a boy, but not very well. Seriously, she is trying to earn her place as a knight a la Alanna the Lioness, but she is obviously, obviously a girl the entire time. The other characters address her constantly as “Boy!” as if the director knew it was the only way to tell the audience that she’s supposed to be pretending and it’s a huge secret.

Everyone else just thought his voice hadn't broken yet, whatever

The Character: This version of Merlin is a little more serious than in the original TV movie that this is sort of but not really a sequel to. Since Jack is really the main character, Merlin spends a lot of time making seriously melodramatic pronouncements of doom or grumbling about how stupid Jack is. The most ridiculous part is at the end of Part 1 when the Lady of the Lake reveals to Merlin that Jack is HER son. And that he’s a baby daddy. Yeah, Merlin was sleep-raped by the Lady of the Lake. Because she was lonely. Luckily Merlin dies after heroically sacrificing himself to save the people of Camelot pretty soon after that so I didn’t have to watch any more. I thought the pig would definitely turn out to be the Holy Grail in disguise (which would explain why it is kind of magical?) but alas, it’s just a magical pig named Sir Snout. Of course. Of course Gawain’s granddaughter (?maybe) and her illicit “we’re from two different worlds!” love get together in the end as Camelot’s new rulers and Jack gets with the pretend-boy after discovering her secret.

Sam Neill was probably happy to escape after just half of it

Best Sam Neill Quote: (after Jack suggests they could work together) “I’d sooner mate with a dung beetle!”
Or the Lady of the Lake, in your sleep? Ooohhhh.

Sirens (1993)

This week I watched two movies where Sam Neill played an Australian, and he’s pretty good at it! This one also had Hugh Grant. And nudity!

I prefer this cover to the one that's just Hugh Grant's face, trying to look like he can still feel shame

The Movie: Hugh Grant is a stodgy C of E reverend sent to Australia with his wife. The bishop asks him to visit a crazy artist on their way, since he keeps painting erotic pictures with religious themes and won’t stop. Of course, their stay at his villa is a sexual awakening for both husband and wife. Plus, I learn that Australians are totally nonchalant about all the deadly, deadly things that surround them daily.

Like Portia de Rossi

The Character: Sam Neill plays the artist, Norman Lindsey, who apparently was a real guy and also completely awesome. From what I can tell on Wikipedia, Sam Neill captures him well, portraying him as forthright with what we would call a modern attitude about sexuality. Plus he gives off this air of just not caring what you think because, whatever, I’m Norman Lindsey. I get up early, paint some naked girls, and then quietly laugh at Hugh Grant’s puritanical values.

Best Quote: This one is from the real-life Norman Lindsey, after learning that 16 crates full of his art were burned in the US as pornography in 1940: “Don’t worry, I’ll do more.”
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