The Plaid Pladd

Here are five relatively inconsequential things that make me disproportionately happy! Maybe reading about them will make you happy too!

1. The Perfect Toast
It’s not like we even have a fancy toaster. It’s a pretty normal two-slicer:

It insisted I photograph from its "good side"

Okay, it IS red, but that’s just to match the microwave Rachel and I used to own together (she now has visitation rights). Still, despite its simplicity I am too lazy to ever mess with the one dial or any of the buttons. Or maybe I just forget that those things exist until my toast comes out un-toasted or burned or whatever. The reason the level of toastedness changes each time? Steven has no such forgetfulness! He is a pretty much a toastmaster (and not the kind that always yells at me from the other library conference room that my puppet shows are too loud). He is always changing the heat setting or leaving it on “bagel” or whatever. So each time I make toast, it is pretty much a carnival game; you never know what will pop out!

This morning, it was the PERFECT toast. The toast that all other toast wishes it were. The best toast of all the toast. Truly, I have met the toast messiah, and I have eaten it. It was delicious! Just the right amount of crispy while still having soft parts inside, and burned nowhere. This set the tone for the rest of the day, made all the more glorious by the fact that it was a complete surprise.

2. Stickers!
For some reason, the envelopes I have right now are almost see-through. This bothers me, because I imagine some postal workers reading my secrets! Which I of course send through the mail on a daily basis. The answer is, naturally, to cover up key parts of the envelope with stickers! An envelope with stickers travels through the mail 45% faster, according to a detailed and totally sciencey study conducted by PIM (Patricia Institute of Mailology, of which I am director). Plus, everyone loves stickers! ESPECIALLY the Texas Comptroller! I’m sure she only ever gets boring mail usually. Look out, Austin, my unclaimed property claim is on its way, and it is STYLIN’!

3. Pretty notebooks
As you know, I keep a journal, and have practically since forever. I’ve used my fair share of “the cheapest notebook I can find” journals, which worked out fine, but I’ve discovered through tireless journal research for the AJJ (Academic Journal of Journaling, P.R.Ladd Editor-in-Chief) that journalers write more often and better content when using a pretty journal. I got these pretty notebooks at Target for $4!

After I finish these, I'm going to decorate one myself!

4. Hurricane Food
Okay, so as a hurricanologist, I know the importance of stocking up on canned goods and non-perishables early. The best part is it authorizes you to buy ridic things you would feel too much shame to buy or eat on a normal basis. But it’s totally, totally okay to get them as hurricane supplies. It’s a HURRICANE! You will be way too busy trying to make sure your flashlight-lantern doesn’t go out leaving you at the mercy of deadly hurricane goblins to worry that you are eating something marketed to seven-year-olds and probably terrible for you.

Don't worry, mom, Steven made me buy normal food too

Don’t believe in hurricane goblins? They’re kind of like those vampires that live in the arctic and come out during winter when the sun doesn’t. Luckily, besides being well stocked with batteries, I also have emergency candles:

I'm not really sure what these are, but they were the only candles at Food Lion

5. Conferring titles on yourself!
Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it! It can really cheer you up. Here is just a sampling of my auspicious resume:

Speculative Zoologist
Zombie Attack Consultant
Leading Scrunchie Advocate
Library Mad Scientist
Pie Wrangler
Director, Patricia Institute of Mailology
Editor in Chief, Academic Journal of Journaliing

I would include Hurricanologist but that is 100% serious.