So I meant to do a lot of blog-worthy things yesterday, but instead I used my spare time to read a book for class, the romance novel Nerds Like It Hot by Vicki Lewis Thompson.
I guess I’m glad I got that out of the way, but I still wished I had done… practically anything else.
From this book I learned that:
1) “Nerd” is almost its own ethnicity with traditional dress and customs
2) The Mafia is almost as incompetent as the people it tries to chase
3) In fact, being in it is a lot like playing the game Mafia (which I have always hated for being deceptively boring)
4) If he REALLY loved you, he’d be writing you sweet poems while you are in the bathroom
Here are my play-by-play notes:
Chapter One
Gillian, a makeup artist overhears Neil, some actor, threatening the star of the movie! Neil mentions he has mob connections and then bludgeons him to death with a shoe. Gillian and her 82-year-old friend Cora decide the ONLY thing to do is to 1) give her a makeover to look like Marilyn Monroe, 2) hop on a nerd themed cruise, 3) jump off in Mexico, and start a new life in South America. It’s the MAFIA, you guys, they have no other choice.
Chapter Two
Neil has a crossdressing alter ego known as Nancy, and if Marilyn Monroe were alive today she would be a size 10. Thanks, book, I now feel better about my unfashionably wide childbearing hips.
Chapter Three
Cora hires two private detectives, Lex and Dante, to come with them on the cruise and protect them. Dante is the comic relief and Lex is the guy we are supposed to find attractive. It’s easy to tell because he rambles pretty much constantly about how hot Gillian is in his inner monologue. “Women these days were too skinny and underendowed for his taste. Not this woman” (37). It’s only chapter three and my eyes are already sore from all the rolling they’ve been doing.
Chapter Four
Neil/Nancy gets another makeup artist from the movie drunk so she will dish the dirt on Gillian. Lex goes to buy Gillian new underwear.
Chapter Five
Lex and Dante are dressed like totally stereotypical nerds complete with pocket protectors! But Cora’s house is also being watched! Let’s split up, you guys!
Chapter Six
The only way to save Gillian is for Lex to make out with her for some reason! Then they critique each other’s kissing technique, and decide that they must control their natural urges to keep Gillian safe.
Chapter Seven
They board the ship. Cora and Dante bought walkie-talkies for everyone!
Chapter Eight
Nancy/Neil has finagled his way onto the same cruise by hitting on the nerdy cruise director. He has to share a room with a fashionless nerd girl named Bernice.
Chapter Nine
Nancy/Neil gives Bernice a makeover and insists she now go by “BJ”. Gillian is forced to sing karoke because “the real Gillian wouldn’t”.
Chapter Ten
Lex spots a clearly un-nerdy, Italian guy named Hector at the bar! Could he be Mafia? The rest of this chapter reads like a transcript from a particularly bad game of Mafia, except there’s no God to hurry things along.
Chapter Eleven
Neil/Nancy breaks into Gillian’s room and figures out that the Marilyn Monroe look alike IS Gillian. Instead of killing her immediately he decides to mess with her.
Chapter Twelve
Lex and Gillian make out on the darkened deck. Cora hits on a retired astronomy professor nicknamed “Little Ben”. Dante and BJ flirt awkwardly.
Chapter Thirteen
Gillian is pissed that Lex is an Aries, and that someone stole her passport. In that order.
Chapter Fourteen
For Gillian’s protection, Lex and Cora switch rooms so that Lex can be there all night. For Gillian’s protection.
Chapter Fifteen
Sexual tension! But Gillian decides not to sleep with him because he’s an Aries.
Chapter Sixteen
Gillian tells Lex he isn’t romantic enough for her because he didn’t write her a sweet poem while she was in the bathroom. I INSTANTLY know how I am going to annoy Steven for the rest of the week. Thanks, book. Then they move a mattress to barricade the door.
Chapter Seventeen
Moving mattresses is apparently a sweet enough gesture to win over Gillian.
Chapter Eighteen
Cora is missing! Oh noes!
Chapter Nineteen
Cora is found with Little Ben thanks to Gillian’s deductions about “what old people like”.
Chapter Twenty
Gillian wants to call the police on shore to tell them about the murder. Lex thinks it will be too dangerous. He proves his point with seduction.
Chapter Twenty-One
Limbo Contest!
Chapter Twenty-Two
Nancy/Neil secretly drops some kind of barrel thing towards Gillian while she’s limboing. Lex saves her. They tell BJ and Little Ben what is going down, and Gillian suspects that Nancy is really a man. Because of her makeup artists skillz.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Literally, nothing happens besides freaking out that Nancy is a crossdresser.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Lex and Gillian hook up again instead of talking about their problems. It is described as ridiculously as you would expect from this book.
Chapter Twenty-Five
During underwater charades, Gillian is POISONED!
Chapter Twenty-Six
Don’t worry, Gillian is fine. Cora and Little Ben are engaged. It “makes sense at their time of life”.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Gillian distracts Lex with her “bodacious body” the next morning so she can run away to Mexico alone.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Everyone runs ashore to Mexico looking for Gillian!
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Nancy/Neil tries to kill Gillian. Lex stops him with a cactus. Hector, the Mafia guy, turns out to be there to catch Neil and take him away to a deserted island. MOB JUSTICE! Lex and Gillian decides to get married on the boat.
Ugh!
This could be funny…..if read aloud….to a bunch of people…..while all are heavily intoxicated…..especially the bathroom poem.