The Plaid Pladd

Title: Only In Your Dreams
Author: Cecily Von Ziegesar
Not to be Confused With: A-List Series, Luxe Series, The Clique Series, or any other series where rich bratty teenagers have rich bratty drama
Challenged In: Leesburg, Florida
At: the Leesburg Public Library
For: sexual innuendo, drug references, and other adult topics

I’m not ashamed to admit that I read almost the entire Gossip Girl series during the heady summer of 2007 when I was bored at the library. When you’re going to be frequently interrupted for questions on how to use the computers and where Clifford is, you need something where you can figure out the plot just from reading the chapter titles. By now most people have at least heard of the television series of the same name, although they took certain liberties with various characters (not that I care, I’m just noting). My personal favorite is Vanessa Abrams. In the books, you can tell she’s a funky alternative chick because she has a shaved head. In the TV series, you can tell she’s alternative because she’s vaguely Hispanic:

Only In Your Dreams is set in the middle of the summer after the main gang’s senior year in high school. Natch it is just as full of underage drinking, drug use, and extravagant shopping as the other books in the series. Along with twelve other “provocative” books for teens, Only in Your Dreams was challenged by “community and church leaders”, and the city commissioners decided to separate books based on age group. Only in Your Dreams and other books for high school students have been removed to a special section “in the library stairwell.”

The fact that they have been banished to a library stairwell is my favorite part of this story. I wonder if the twelve other provocative books were also in the Gossip Girl series, because I was surprised upon rereading this one that it didn’t have anything more scandalous than some underage drinking and some people who fail at getting laid. I was expecting it to at least be the one where Dan briefly thinks he’s gay because he drunkenly kissed another boy, or one of the ones where, you know, someone actually has sex. Oh well.

Since this week actually is National Banned Books Week, I’ve decided to take a more comprehensive approach in my analysis. Here follows a dramatic play-by-play of the book, containing spoilers. So if, for some reason, you ever want to read the entire Gossip Girl series in order, maybe quit halfway through.

Chapter 1: The Honeymooners
Blair is in London visiting her boyfriend, Lord Marcus, but he is making her stay in a fancy hotel instead of his mansion. She is depressed that he won’t have sex with her already. He claims to have a surprise for her, but it turns out to be his cousin. Blair is not amused.

Chapter 2: One is the Loneliest Number
Nate has to work for his lax coach doing manual labor because he was caught stealing his coach’s Viagra. He is whiny about it, but consoles himself with weed and ogling the coach’s questionably-hot wife.

Chapter 3: V’s Date with Destiny
Vanessa interviews for a job with Ken Mogul, a film director who is doing a Breakfast at Tiffany‘s remake this summer, even though the movie=Big Budget Teen RomCom and Vanessa=alternative indie auteur. Ken’s apartment is decorated with naked pictures of himself. He insists that he needs Vanessa’s “vision”. Vanessa says she’ll think about it, pretending that it is going to be some big dramatic choice.

Chapter 4: S moves Out
Serena is playing Holly Golightly in the movie remake and Ken has told her to move to a dingy, unairconditioned apartment to channel the spirit of Audrey Hepburn. Serena somehow gets lost walking from the sidewalk to the front door, but is saved by her neighbor, Jason, a “gorgeously tall” guy in a “dorky office ensemble”.

Chapter 5: D learns the art of Customer Service
Dan’s summer job is to be pretentious to customers at a bookstore. He pretends to be a tortured artist in his inner monologue.

Chapter 6: Helmets are almost as important as condoms
Nate is riding his bike while high and decides to swear off girls for the summer right before falling on his face in front of a townie named Tawny who the narration wants me to think is trashy, but who probably only looks/dresses like a normal person, rather than an insanely wealthy model.

Chapter 7: Love Don’t Live Here Anymore
Vanessa’s big sister is home from Europe where she was touring with her band. She’s brought back some guy named Piotr, which sounds like a perfume that would make me ill. She kicks Vanessa out of the apartment because Piotr needs her bedroom for a studio. Since that is what happens in real life.

Chapter 8: S is for Spirituality among other things
Vanessa calls Dan all weepy and Dan says she can move in with him (and his dad?). Dan feels manly at being able to help his normally tough girlfriend. Then a girl named Bree asks Dan to find some books her yogi recommended to her and Dan “watched her small, round butt, which closely resembled two scoops of French vanilla ice cream”. Dan pretends to have read Siddhartha to impress Ice Cream Butt Girl.

Chapter 9: the family that plays together stays together
Lord Marcus’ annoying cousin, Camilla, wins croquet a million times in a row and Blair is drunk and unhappy about it. Lord Marcus and Camilla are flirty, and Blair tries to kill her with her eyes.

Chapter 10: a star is born (sort of)
Serena is nervous about acting. She and Vanessa squeal greetings to each other during rehearsal, and then Serena ogles her costar, Thaddeus, who is apparently hotter than hot and more famous than any real celebrity. Ken calls Serena “Holly” for the remainder of the book to help her keep in character, but it doesn’t help because she apparently sucks at acting.

Chapter 11: you think you know someone
Vanessa says she’s too busy to hang out much with Dan this summer; Dan is okay with that because he is hoping to pick up Ice Cream Butt. Dan talks about the meaning of life and Vanessa is confused.

Chapter 12: townies are people too
Nate goes on another date with Tawny, who describes her goal in life, to be a licensed massage therapist, in detail, and Nate quickly zones out. Then they make out a little, and Tawny expects him to talk about himself. Nate is confused.

Chapter 13: b is for betrothed
Blair shops like a pro in London because Lord Marcus is ignoring her, and buys a wedding dress because it is Super Gorgeous Perfect. Because that will convince him to have sex with her.

Chapter 14: there’s something about danny
Dan is smoking outside work when Ice Cream Butt appears again and tells him how bad smoking is. He pretends he is “holding it for a friend”. With his mouth. They decide to go on a date, to something called “Bikram”, which Dan assumes must be a nightclub or an Indian restaurant.

Chapter 15: lights, camera, but no action
Serena still sucks at acting, so Ken tells her and Thaddeus to have dinner together to build their chemistry. Paparazzi follow them and Thaddeus is annoyed. Then she, Thaddeus, and Jason sit on their stoop drinking beer. Serena is annoyed because she would rather be macking on Thaddeus alone.

Chapter 16: the runaway bride
Blair’s fancy London hotel seems to think she is some kind of mistress or something, which pisses her off because she still has not convinced Lord Marcus to ravish her. She has a weird exchange with the desk clerk and then gets fed up and decides to fly back to America to pout. The narrator makes a joke about “virgin airlines”.

Chapter 17: a little bird told me…
Chuck (in the books played by a skeevy little minor character, not to be confused with:

shows up in the Hamptons and tells Nate the rumor that Blair is teen pregnant and getting married to Lord Marcus.

Chapter 18: s follows in audrey’s footsteps. Literally
Serena has to go practice walking around in an evening gown in front of Tiffany’s. Tourists take her photo. The narrator informs us that Serena has a better ass that A.Hep., but that at least Audrey could act.

Chapter 19: money isn’t funny honey
Blair’s mother is kind of pissed about all the money she spent in London, but not that pissed. Then she suggests Blair get a job and Blair freaks out. Then Blair decides it would be okay to work for Bailey Winter: fashion designer! Who just happens to be doing costumes for a Breakfast at Tiffany’s remake.

Chapter 20: it’s getting hot in here
Bikram turns out to be naked yoga.

Chapter 21: n goes native
Nate and Tawny go to smoke pot with some townies who bitch constantly ’bout them city folk.

Chapter 22: come up and see me sometime
Serena is still bad at acting but is happy when Thaddeus sends her a text to come see him in his hotel room, signed with kisses! When she gets there, he seems annoyed and preoccupied, then reveals that he meant to send that text to someone else, although Serena either does not hear him or is brain dead. She is bummed when they don’t make out.

Chapter 23: tea for two
Dan is sore from Secret Naked Yoga and gets mad at Vanessa for incomprehensible new age reasons.

Chapter 24: imitation is the sincerest form of flattery
Blair finally answers one of Lord Marcus’ calls, but he doesn’t understand that she is totally pissed at him, even when she accuses him of incest (through a Flowers in the Attic reference). She goes to her interview with Bailey Winters and is annoyed that her mom brings Jasmine, her brother’s girlfriend/her stalker with them. Bailey invites them for tea, but gives them martinis instead.

Chapter 25: will v ever eat lunch in this town again?
Serena is still bad at acting. Ken gets pissed over Vanessa’s crazy-indie camera work that he hired her for and fires her. She vows vengeance.

Chapter 26: reunited… and it feels so good
While running an errand to the set for Bailey, Blair and Jasmine run into Vanessa, crying. Blair leaves Jasmine to comfort her, promising to talk to him. Instead, she runs into Serena and has a catch up chat in which they decide Blair should move into the cramped, unairconditioned apartment too.

Chapter 27: karma chameleon
Dan tries to run with Ice Cream Butt Girl to impress her, but his nicotine-filled lungs end up collapsing and he blacks out.

Chapter 28: from the frying pan into the fire
Jasmine apparently gave Vanessa her mom’s number, saying her mom was hiring for some undisclosed job, and Vanessa decides to show up tipsy to an impromptu interview. The job turns out to be babysitting twin little boys, who their mother apparently hates, because she hires Vanessa on the spot.

Chapter 29: b and s decide it’s share and share alike
Blair is annoyed at having to move her own bags into the apartment, luckily kind-of-boring Jason is around to help. Then they go drink on the roof and Jason tells Blair he was originally hitting on Serena, but she is totes more into Thaddeus. Blair decides this guy is an intellectual, despite a dearth of evidence, and concludes that they are OTL, at least for now, since she is going to Yale and all and needs a smart guy.

Chapter 30: n hits the town
Nate and Tawny are at a concert and see one of Nate’s friends from school. Nate tries to drink away the pain of being involved in a star crossed romance that can never be because they are from TWO DIFFERENT WORLDS. They hear about the wrap party for the movie and Tawny, who is a huge Thaddeus/Serena fan, begs Nate to take her. Nate is all “okay, but I have hooked up with literally every single person who will be there”

Chapter 31: b takes charge
Blair decides to tutor Serena so she will finally stop sucking at acting.

Chapter 32: just another manic sunday in the park with v… and d
Vanessa takes the twins to the park and buys them ice cream sandwiches. Then they go crazy and try to make good their escape. They run into Dan, who is rollerblading with Ice Cream Butt. Vanessa yells at Dan for cheating on her. Dan’s defense is that he didn’t expect her to be here because he thought she had a film job. Then one of the twins throws up on him.

Chapter 33: he’s lost the lovin’ feelin’
Nate misses Blair and decides to call her. She sounds sophisticated and job-having. He’s happy that she’s not really getting married and Chuck is stupid.

Chapter 34: v finds a father figure
Vanessa is pissed that she and Dan just broke up (I guess), and Dan’s father tells her Dan is stupid. Then he offers to let Vanessa live in the apartment during the year since she is going to NYU. He tells her all she will have to do is “eat his cooking”. Sounds sketch.

Chapter 35: a star is born–take two
At the very end of filming, Serena has finally become okay at acting.

Chapter 36: a real hollywood ending
Serena and Thaddeus go celebrate at some bar. Serena is sad that they are still not flirting not even a little bit at all. Thaddeus is drinking a pink girly drink and then asks her to do him a favor since so many people are around trying to take their picture. Then he kisses her, and Serena actually thinks it’s romantic lol.

Chapter 37: n’s woman trouble
Nate and his friend from school smoke pot and talk about girls. Nate claims that without Blair his life is nothing.

Chapter 38: back to the scene of the crime
Serena is trying to steal a costume from the movie to wear to the wrap party when she meets Serge, who turns out to be Thaddeus’ boyfriend. He thanks her for helping Thaddeus keep their secret. Serena is devastated because, despite all those stereotypical hints, she did not see this coming.

Chapter 39: d’s got a golden ticket
Dan and Ice Cream Butt are invited to the wrap party for some reason. Vanessa is also there with the twin boys because their mom did something with the film.

Chapter 40: all the world’s a stage
Blair gets makey-outy with Jason and then Nate arrives with Tawny and she goes into Bad Fashion Shock.

Chapter 41: what up, roomie?
For some reason Dan is surprised to discover that he and Vanessa are broken up. They agree to be “friends”.

Chapter 42: look what the cat dragged in–and who he brought with him
Blair, Chuck, Serena, and Thaddeus stand around hating on Tawny. Nate lusts after Blair while Chuck macks on Tawny.

Chapter 43: b is an inspiration
Bailey Winters tells Blair that she is DAH-ling and that she and Serena are his inspiration for a new fashion line. Apparently to be someone’s inspiration, you must come live in their mansion, which is just next door to Nate’s for the rest of the summer, thus setting up the next book’s drama.

Chapter 44: threesome on the roof
Ice Cream Butt is too zen for parties, and Dan finds her on the roof where they break up, because their magical journey is over and Dan likes smoking anyway. Then Nate comes up and they have some kind of “Dating the Wrong Girl Even Though I know who the right girl is” moment.

Chapter 45: n exits stage left
Nate tries to find Tawny to break up with her, but she and Chuck are already having implied sex in the bathroom.

Chapter 46: cue music, roll credits
Blair tells Serena what a great guy Jason is because he’s getting her fried chicken or something. Serena thinks about how the summer is just beginning, lead cue in for next Gossip girl book.

I’m sure you’re hooked now and all excited to read the next one!