The Plaid Pladd

So there are plenty of skills every librarian needs to know that they don’t teach you in grad school (basically EVERY skill librarians need to know, it seems like so far), but here are three that have come up for me recently:

1. Working and Cleaning Popcorn Machines

Now made with real fake butter!

These old-fashioned style popcorn machines are loud, messy, and verging on a health hazard, so naturally all libraries seem to have them. The popcorn is made with a suspiciously neon powder, the smell of which is supposed to “draw the most crowds” according to the packet. For some reason, most of the librarians at my new internship have little to no experience with the popcorn machine, so I stepped up to put my Vast Seminole Library Popcorn Expertise to good use. Frankly, I think most of them are pretending to not know how it works to get out of cleaning it. They will never know the joy of working a further seven hours with your hands covered in greasy metal burns and having everyone you talk to ask what smell is making them so hungry. It’s my new perfume, you guys!

2. Art Skillz
This skill is not just relegated to the land of children’s librarianship. Even reference librarians have to make signs and displays on occasion. However, coloring, cutting, and constructing puppets out of recyclables are all things they do not teach in even the children-focused grad school classes. It’s a pity because these skills are WAY, WAY more useful than taking a week to determine what kind of leader you are by taking personality quizzes and it will inevitably end in puppets that look something like this:

As found on Etsy and Regretsy.

3. How to Deal with Crazy People
For some reason, grad school assumes that (if they mention the actual patrons you’ll supposedly be serving, which is rarely) everyone who comes into the library will be friendly and affable, with a healthy thirst for knowledge and no fixed schedule. I think once my reference professor mentioned that sometimes people get grumpy if they’re in a hurry. No one has yet mentioned how sometimes you have to deal with the same drunk lady that comes in some Thursday nights, sobbing, and asking for Nancy Drew over and over, even after you’ve shown her the section twice.

Maybe she just couldn't get over the Clue in the Clock

No one talks about how to handle the woman who demands a book on divorce for a four-year-old, “preferably titled Because Daddy’s a Good-For-Nothing Ass“. Or the guy who hides in the stacks to shout Star Wars quotes at random intervals. Or the boy who systematically takes all the books about hurricanes, one by one, and hides them in various places around the room such as under the cushions of chairs or in the bathroom sink.

If I ever become Dean of a library school, I will institute at least one course in all of these things. Wall-moving, furniture arrangement, and soda pouring can be an extra credit project in the popcorn class.