The Plaid Pladd

You guys. You guys. You guys.

I totally just found a website where you can make your own Twilight book!!!!

It’s called “Teen Book By You”. Basically, you tell them the girl character’s name and what color her hair is and the guy character’s name and what color his hair is, and then they mail you a copy of the book that you wrote!! And by wrote, I mean filled in five boxes. Natch the book isn’t the “real” Twilight. It’s called First Bite, and it’s about a klutzy highschool girl who falls in love with a vampire. I did the “preview this book” function, which you should definitely check out. At first I decided to fill in the names with professors at Rice, so that Jane Chance and Dr. Dodds’ dramatic yet secret love story could finally be told. Then I decided that I’ve been so mean to Brian Reinhart on my blog over the past year that it’s definitely time to put forth an olive branch. An olive branch consisting of him realizing his true love for Edward Cullen.

“Did you enjoy the party?” Brian tilted her head and reached up a hand to remove her earrings as she watched Edward in the mirror. That’s another myth gone. His reflection’s as visible as mine.
“Let me,” Edward whispered, circling her ear with one night-cool finger. “Ah, the party. It was interesting. Your friend Rory has a great deal of energy.”
“That’s one way to put it! No fear, no speedometer, no brakes. That’s what she’d say.” Brian smiled fondly. “She’s a good friend.”
“Yes.” He looked deep into the mirror, seeing something she could not find; he forgot to pretend to breathe, lost in thought. Brian waited, curious and concerned, idly admiring the line of his jaw, the sparkle of his black eyes.
A slow nod signaled his return to the moment. “Rory has suspicions about me. About what I am.”
Brian froze. “Are you sure?”
“She seems to have held her ideas for quite some time, on little evidence. Is she one of those who romanticizes my kind? There are many who seem strangely fascinated with my fictional brethren.”
“Well, Rory likes vampire flicks, but she’s no Goth.What exactly did she say?”
Edward repeated the conversation verbatim. “As I said, she has little evidence, but still she persists in her conviction, and I cannot argue. She is, after all, correct about what I do.”
Brian stared at him. “Edward?” Her voice was high and soft. “Would you show me? I mean…what you do? How you feed?”
“I would rather not.” Her face fell, and he had to look away. “If you feel it necessary, I shall. When you are certain. Not until then.” Gentle as the brush of a shadow, he stroked her cheek, kissed her, and vanished into the night, leaving her alone.
Brian lay awake long into the night, falling finally into a restless, dream-haunted sleep about Edward where each ray of sunshine coming through the windows was first his touch, then a brand of fire, alternately pleasure and pain. She woke, sweating and chilled, wondering why she didn’t just turn and run away….

Naturally the problem with this is that, gender confusion aside, it’s better written than the real Twilight. Luckily, for further hilarity, the same website also offers another book called Prom and Prejudice. I assume you can guess what it’s based off of.

And, to apologize further to Brian Reinhart, I thought I would make this about the TRUE love of his life:

…All Classical Music could think about was her missing ring, making it impossible to concentrate on the English test. Brian was offering to help, but that could be as dangerous as failing the test. Classical Music nervously looked up toward her teacher, Mr. Heikkilite. He wasn’t watching her, but she studied him for a moment, attempting to calculate the probability of whether he would look up as she scribbled a note and slid her reply to Brian.

What’s it gonna cost me?

At her inquiry, Brian actually looked hesitant, as if contemplating a deal. Finally he scrawled a reply and pushed the scrap of paper around for to read:

Pretend 2 B my girlfriend?

She looked up at his face, her expression incredulous. He gave her a helpless look and shrugged slightly. She wrote back, carefully printing her response, while keeping an eye on Mr. Heikkilite.

R U insane?

Classical Music watched Brian for a moment, looking for a response. He gave none, other than reaching into his pocket and pulling his hand out – a familiar ring decorating his indexfinger! Classical Music let her mouth drop open in horror and she lunged across the aisle, attempting to retrieve her heirloom. She inadvertently knocked her pen to the floor, attracting Mr. Heikkilite’s attention. She carefully picked up her pen and held it high so that the instructor could see what had caused the commotion. Brian stifled a laugh and placed the ring back in his pocket for safekeeping. If she weren’t afraid that Mr. Heikkilite would fail her, she would have tackled Brian to the floor to get that ring back. Instead, Classical Music glared at him one last time, then skimmed another question, hoping she could focus.
But it was of no use. Squeezing the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger, she nearly groaned in defeat. Twenty-four hours ago she’d been certain that she was leaving for college in the fall. Now, Classical Music was making a deal with the devil. Along the side of her scrap paper she scribbled a note and pushed it toward Brian. He glanced at the message, and a triumphant grin spread over his face, his gleaming brown eyes ablaze, as he read her note.

U know, Hip Hop will never 4give me 4 this.

——
“Wait a minute,” he began, and Classical Music stopped, looking at him curiously. “Look, Classical Music…”
“What? What is it?” she asked, the pained expression on his face making her nervous.
“I want you to go to the prom with me,” Brian blurted out abruptly.
The flush of happiness that covered her face was short-lived when she remembered their deal and the real reason he was inviting her. “I see,” Classical Music said quietly. “So this is the final straw to make your ex even more jealous?”
“No, Classical Music.” Brian laughed a bit awkwardly. “I mean, I want you to go with me − not as part of the plan − but as my date.”
Her eyes widened and she frowned slightly, replaying his words in her head to make sure she understood. “Your real date?”
“Yeah, my date. Who better to take than my best friend?” he responded in a murmur. There was an awkward pause as Brian waited for a response and Classical Music stood staring through him. Brian cleared his throat to break the silence.
“I really should get to class,” Classical Music finally replied, and started to walk past him.
“Please, Classical Music,” he stated simply. Something in his voice caused her to turn and face him. “I’ll understand if you don’t want to go with me, but just give me an answer. Yes or no?”
Her hazel eyes gazed directly into his brown ones. The tension in her chest seemed to release, and she found herself smiling again. “Yes, Brian. I’ll go to the prom with you.”

And they lived happily ever after I’m sure. Perhaps my favorite part of this website are the comments from customers:

“Gave my 15-year-old ‘First Bite’ since she’s such a fan of supernatural novels. She was thrilled and couldn’t wait to show her friends her own gothic love story. (…) I especially like that the leads are both smart and love books, and though there’s plenty of passion things aren’t too ‘adult’ or graphic. Though I’m sure my daughter wouldn’t have minded, considering how ‘hot’ the hero was (her words).”

“I bought Prom & Prejudice for my younger brother, who’s 12 and obsessed with football. He and his best friend (he ‘played’ the heroine’s funny sidekick) thought it was hilarious. My brother loved that he got to be the star player who saves the day without being a perfect goody-two-shoes. I’ll be buying my own copy so me and my boyfriend can play the leads. Thanks!”

Clearly these will be what everyone I know is getting for Christmas.