The Plaid Pladd

I recently uncovered a notebook I kept I think sophomore through junior year of random lists. I feel a little bit like an Egyptologist since the handwriting is tricky to decipher and half the time I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Made up Positions I’ve Given Myself
Wiess Resident Expert in Speculative Zoology
Wiess Breakfast Rep
Wiess Mr. Potato Head Rep
Co-comics Rep
Resident Witch Doctor
Wiess Librarian
Interior Decorator to the Presidential Suite (after we wallpapered Hiren’s room with water colors, mostly of him being eaten by monsters)
Hairologist
Apprentice Mad Scientist
Wiess Zombie Attack Consultant
Awkward Breakfast Conversation Rep (I still am this)
Wiess Astrologer
Chief Phallic Symbol Recognizer
Wiess Soothsayer
Official BFF to James K. Polk
Noted April Fool’s Day Victim
Noted “the crazy” of the sophomore class by Doward
Wiess Pieologist
Inventor of the Snake Warmer
Wiess Egg Salad Rep
Official BFF to Stephen Hawking

I did so much for Wiess. No wonder I got that award.

Things I’ve Done Instead of Going to Class (first semester)
Homework for that class
Homework for another class
Sleep
Crossword puzzles
Watch movies
Talk to Michael Curtis
Eat lunch
Stare at people from 2nd Floor Fondren
Read
Buy interesting hats
Watch the rain
Have a dance party
Listen to Rocky Horror Picture Show and sing loudly
Leave anonymous love notes for Steven Wiggins
Look up lame pick up lines online
Have consumption
Flirt outrageously

I assume this was first semester sophomore year, since first semester freshman Patricia was MAD conscientious. Also, Steven Wiggins was IN my class, so it would’ve been hard to leave secret love notes. These notes, by the way, would always say things like “If I said you had a corpus bellus would you hold it against me?” He would usually just correct my Latin.

Prof. Derrick Quotes List
“I think it’s nice that a woman with a hump can be erotically successful in our appearance driven society”–about the song “My Humps” by Fergie
“There are magic stones that keep you from perspiring for six years”
“There are little communities of creatures living a happy life inside us–Are they our friends?”
“If gender didn’t exist we would all be orcs”
“Let’s just talk about men. Anyone got any secret beer here?”
“Whenever there’s a discussion of voles, I’m there.”
“Men are a lot like voles; blind, burrowing rodents.”
“If you really want to be completely and perfectly free, you’ve got to kill everybody”
“Maybe we can have voles transplanted into us”
“I’m going to devote myself to using the word Cheetalicious some time today”
“Humanities are a cover. We make the University seem like it’s interested in pure knowledge because we’re useless”
“Build model guillotines and use them on your friends”
“It’s unfortunate that Hamlet sounds so much like omelet. Discuss”
“Mary Tyler Moore plays herself. That is, she’s a bitch.”
“Can you love a cow enough? Not within the limits of the law”
“My goal in life is to lose so many [pairs of glasses] that there’ll be a pair wherever I go”
“My children have actually been lost in shopping malls because we’re criminally negligent”
“Job goes to God and says, ‘What the fuck is going on?'”
“I also kind of had day dreams that I was a deer”
“I can’t talk about Lacon and the phallus because you would just make fun of me if I did”
(holds up pen) “All women writers are hermaphrodite monsters because what does this look like?”
“If you have a hog and choose to wash it, try to do so in an ecologically sound manner.”

Types of Music According to Josh
Emo music
Circus music

Reasons why I owe Josh Smoothies
Throwing a pen at his eye
Mocking dinosaur ancestors
Throwing a peanut at his eye
Taping photoshopped velociprator breasts to his window

Reasons why Josh owes me a smoothie
“How does it feel, Patricia?”
Claiming I’m not really a librarian

There are more, but they are all but impossible to read. I will maybe bury this notebook in my yard to confound future civilizations.