Supposedly today is the day Rice finally deletes my old email address, although I have gotten three things from the TFW list serv today so this may be a lie. Still, in preparation for the impending severing of my last link with Rice University (besides my ongoing frenemy relationship with World’s Most Powerful Cyborg, William Marsh Rice [more on that later]), I went through and saved any old emails I thought would be pertinent to archive for posterity. Because I’m just that much of a librarian. Here are the best bits from the last year (I got bored after July 2008). I arranged them in such a way that, I think, they tell a kind of story about my time at Rice:
July 2008
“If I can’t fuel my car with them, what am I supposed to do with all these cans of creamed corn?”
September 2008
Dear James Fox,
The narrative force behind my dream last night was rescuing you from the Amish. I’m not sure why they wanted you in the first place, but it would explain your fear of modern things like shaving and haircuts. If you are actually being held hostage by the Amish, I will of course rush to your aid. Although I suppose I would hear about it by carrier pigeon or through the Amish Underground Railroad, not email. It will be just like my dream except Rob will not be there complaining the whole time and I may actually do something useful instead of running away from haunted trees. Apparently Amish country is full of them. In conclusion, sorry I didn’t rescue you from the Amish. I promise to try harder next time/in real life.
Patricia”
October 2008
“Rachel says you are only allowed to cheat on your boyfriend if you are in another country (where it doesn’t count), with a foreign exchange student (like being in another country), or with someone who has the same name as your boyfriend (comes with the good excuse: “Well… he said his name was Steven… I thought it was you”. Understandable mistake.)”
December 2008
“I am not saving you from zombies. You took the class; you fend for yourself. That’s the deal. Besides I’ll have other stuff to worry about, like looting and making sure I’m the second hottest person in my Zombie Fighting Team (one hot person always dies so that you know it’s serious). Just fyi. It’s good to be ready for any eventuality”
February 2009 (to Rob, after he complained about law school not emailing him back)
“Here is an email for you when you obsessively check your email looking to hear from law
school! You may not know if you’re in there yet or not (you will be) but here are some
other things you’ve gotten into:
–Team Gemini
–People Who Visited Patricia In Scotland Support Group
–Secret Society of List Completers
–The Soft Hair Alliance
–National Honors Society of Excellence
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!
You may wish to update your resume right away! Please inform us as soon as possible (by
February 1st) if you accept these many accolades since we have a long waiting list of
less qualified applicants who we will grudgingly accept after weeping at your rejection.
With dignity and acceptance,
The Patricia Institute of Awards and Societies”
March 2009
“You just made me remember that I was obsessed with Pangea as a child. I think it was a wider manifestation of my obsessive compulsive need to complete (“fix”) all jigsaw puzzles within sight. Luckily, I am now able to look at a map without getting a headache and feeling the need to move South America around. Also, I was under the impression that Pangea had chocolate milk rivers.
It’s a logical assumption”
March 2009
“Bridget is dead. 🙁
Apparently her immortality just was no match for another day of Willy Week. Phil the
Archivist told me that she’s probably ascended and is now the Alpha Beta. I was comforted
even though I’m pretty sure he just wanted an excuse to make that joke.”
Oh, the memories.
To this day, Dream James Fox is STILL somewhere in Amish Land, waiting for the day you dream the conclusion of that story and free him from the clutches of their salt of the earth morality and work ethic.