You may have thought that moving to an entirely different part of the country would alleviate at least some of the constant mortal peril I face daily. But you thought wrong! If anything, I am in even MORE danger. Here are the top three North Carolinian threats to my well-being.
1. Giants
It’s come to my attention that North Carolina seems to be home to a family of giants as absent-minded as they are bone-crunching. They’re so busy eating innocent bystanders that they left their chests of drawers just lying around:
Somewhere there's a giant with cold feet consoling himself by eating a busload full of school children
These drawers are about 40 feet high, and are apparently for rent. They claim to be the World’s Largest Chest of Drawers, but on the drive over near the interstate, we found further damning evidence:
I measured, and that's about ten James Foxes taller than the so-called world's largest chest of drawers
Yeah, I thought I’d bring James Fox along, both for his use as a handy giant furniture height gauge and for his ability to distract the giants while I run away. Possibly by being eaten. Fortunately, it didn’t come to that, but be ye warned.
2. Merging
Constant, constant merging
You probably think I’m exaggerating, but you have no idea how ridiculous it is. Every highway has two-lane on-ramps, both of which end, and lanes on all roads mysteriously disappear without warning despite the fact that their existence seemed superfluous to begin with. This mania for merging could be indicative of poor road planning, but I like to think it goes deeper into the very psyche of the state. By forcing me to merge constantly, they create a constant anxiety about whether or not the lane I’m currently in will disappear, destabilizing my very outlook on life! Clearly it’s all a plot from the ice cream industry, hoping people will self-medicate their merging-induced identity crisis with a healthy dose of double chocolate fudge. For shame, Jerry of Ben and Jerry’s! For shame. (I expected this of Ben, but not of you.) My alternate theory has to do with a highway planner besotted with the girl in charge of painting merge arrows on the highway. I won’t tell you the rest, but in the end he’s killed in a tragic merging accident. Of course.
3. Frequent Power Outages
Artist's Conception
I guess it has something to do with the number of trees around and the wind, but we’ve already had TWO power outages in which I was forced to A) eat peanut butter for more than one meal in a row, B) shower in the darkness and endanger my life with possible head trauma/drowning/being attacked by that creepy girl from The Ring, and, most seriously, C) ALMOST DID NOT GET TO UPDATE MY BLOG. Clearly this is the most serious threat of all! Once again someone is trying to silence the truth! Which is shocking because I thought I was out of Brian Reinhart’s insidious weather-controlling range. Looks like I was wrong. So we need to settle this the only way I know how: DANCE FIGHT. WIESS COMMONS. PARENT’S WEEKEND. Be there, Reinhart, or I will Hoedown Throwdown unopposed once again.
See, I have business there anyway. These crazy kids are putting on this play I wrote. Fools!
That chest of drawers is WAY more than 10 James Foxes higher than the “World’s Largest.” Fortunately, I was too distracted by the lure of its nearby Sonic to give it a well deserved thrashing for such dastardly lies.
The reason that the world’s largest chest of drawers is actually SMALLER than the latter one is because of SCIENCE!!!
You see, as evinced by the socks hanging out of one of the drawers, the first chest of drawers is ACTUALLY FULL OF GIANT CLOTHING. Due to the same laws of physics that prevent humans from growing to be seventy feet tall (because of the way muscle strength vs bone strength scale scale with size), if you were to put clothing into the second chest of drawers, it would collapse instantly.
Since a chest of drawers must by definition be able so support a full internal volume’s worth of clothes, the larger chest was clearly disqualified from the running, making the first one the world’s largest functional chest of drawers.