Archive for May, 2009

Times I Have Almost Died: Clyde the Lizard

So while in Monterey, I wanted to see the beach and misguidedly decided to walk down an alley to get to it. At the end was, in fact, the beach, but also an odd assortment of vagrants, one of whom saw Steven’s camera and immediately said, “You want a good picture?” and reached into his pocket.

This could have ended any number of ways, but it turned out to be a lizard.

His name is Clyde!

His name is Clyde!

Then, after a lengthy discussion of Clyde’s eating habits–in which he asked us for “Florida herbage” twice, saying that he could sense we had some by our aura–he introduced us to his friend “Gandalf” who recited some poetry. Then a pimply high schooler arrived with a bottle of prescription drugs and I used the distraction to run back down the alley and not stop until I reached the Tollhouse Cookie Bakery. Steven followed along at a somewhat more sedate pace.

Times I Have Almost Died: North Dakota Animals

When forced to think about North Dakota (sadly, most people will not do so willingly), they mostly mention how cold it is. Little do they know that summertime threats besides frost bite lurk in the ravines of the badlands. Fiercest and most mysterious of these is the legendary Prairie Shark:

Or possibly some kind of root. Still, SCARY STUFF!

Or possibly some kind of root. Still, SCARY STUFF!


The only defense against the Prairie Shark is to run away quickly. Luckily, that left me energized to deal with our other brushes with death:
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Times I Have Almost Died: MY BIRTHDAY!

A birthday is a horrible time for a near death experience but, as my mother feared, the day I turned 22 I faced a twofold threat in Seattle–suspiciously close to Canada. The first was the insidious threat of crepe or nutella overdose at lunch:

The tastiest way to die

The tastiest way to die


The second was far more overt:
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Times I Have Almost Died: Escaped Penguin Attack

The Monterey Bay Aquarium is supposed to be pretty baller, as far as aquariums go, although I remained at the same level of impressedness I maintain towards the Tampa Bay aquarium (through Florida solidarity). In only two places do they excel: the sea horse exhibit and the penguins. Sea horses are, naturally, my favorite, being the giraffes of the sea, but the penguins were most impressive because of one’s stolid attempts to escape. Observe:

Luckily he did not succeed, for if he had, I would have undoubtedly faced DEATH once again as the infuriated, adrenaline-fueled penguin attempted to gore what he would see as the nearest of his human captors.

Times I Have Almost Died:Cats and Seals

Of the many perils of California, none is more fearsome (to the supposedly highly allergic Patricia) than the house cat. Observe my brush with death at the hands of this cuddly assassin:

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Only pretending to be cute to deliver the killing nuzzle, cheeky devil

If not for my premeditated application of copious amounts of Claritin, I could very well be NO MORE. Or at least in sorry shape before facing the next instance of NEAR DEATH:
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I Ate’nt Dead

Do you know how hard it is to even get a cellphone signal in Montana and Western North Dakota? The only person who complained about my lack of updates was my mother, who I think checks this blog as an assurance that I’m still alive. She urged me when she was finally able to get a call through that my “friends would think something horrible has happened” if I didn’t write soon. Clearly she worries more than all of you. Or has less faith in my instincts of self-preservation. And so, in honor of my mother, I will catalogue the Times I Have Almost Died over the past few blog-less days.

Misguided Travel Guides: Cousins Who’ve Just Had Babies

So on Tuesday Steven and I had just pulled into a La Quinta Inn in dreary West Texas when I got a text message from my cousin Michelle informing our family that she was inducing labor the following day and we’d soon have a new cousin. Since this is my Movie Cousin, who lives in LA and who I’d planned on staying with, I found this news somewhat disconcerting. Can you stay with someone who’s just given birth four days ago? Apparently yes!

And, okay, it’s not like Jeremy’s house, in that you aren’t having food pushed on you at every turn or discovering the secrets of Jeremy’s psyche, but there is a lot of sleeping baby holding involved, and that’s never bad:

OMG so tiny!

OMG so tiny!

So I would say to definitely go for it, if you have the opportunity/really nice cousins who don’t mind you eating their food and sleeping on their couch while they’re still sleep deprived.

They also have two fairly large dogs whom Steven spent a fair amount of time wrestling with around the time this picture got taken (otherwise they became preoccupied with licking the baby’s toes). Unfortunately there are no pictures of Steven lying on the ground with two large dogs attempting to lick his face and bite each other at the same time. Rest assured; it really happened.

Roadtrip: Steven Attempts to Add Drama!

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