Since I have no class on Fridays, I usually spend the day drawing inane comics about myself fighting crime or honing my paranoia into a finely sharpened point of irrational fear and stockpiled canned goods. Hey, if you have a plan for even the most unlikely worst case scenario, you never have to waste an unnecessary two hours having the awkward “Okay, who do we eat first?” discussion. And because I care about you, all three of you reading this, I’ve decided to share my plans for defeating the Top Five Things That Spell Our Doom (today, anyway).

1. The West Side Story Mafia

“But, Patricia,” you will say. “Everyone knows that West Side Story was over last weekend and so you have no more reason to complain.” WRONG ON BOTH COUNTS, MY FRIEND. I can always find a reason to complain, and they only want you to think they have disbanded. These people practiced for at least four hours a night for three months. Now that the show is officially over, their lives are filled with empty holes and devoid of meaning. A mob without a purpose. Just waiting to wreak untold havoc and reveal its secret agenda. I have a hunch about that too. Because the Wiess commons currently looks like this:

Laziness... OR DIABOLICAL PLAN??

What are they planning on doing with all those stage pieces? Clearly, they will soon institute Phase II of their plan to take over Wiess by using them to build a giant barricade around the Wiess Commons, forcing those of us who still resist them to give up our claims to Wiess or starve to death.

The Plan: Graduate! In a month, I won’t care who owns the commons! Until then, I think I can subsist on the box of Triscuits I just found in my room. DO YOUR WORST, CAITLIN MILLER!

2. The Third Floor Pigeon

Cute... OR PURE EVIL???

Oh, sure, it’s cute. For disease-carrying vermin that eats garbage. Around Rice though, I usually spend more time worrying about the squirrels than the pigeons. However, this one has chosen to build a nest on the third floor landing of the Sketchy Stairwell (you know the one I mean). This is like two threats in one: 1) the pigeon will undoubtedly become vicious when protecting its nest from anyone it sees as a threat (i.e. anyone on the stairs) and 2) any pigeons born there will think of Wiess as home and plague us with their food-stealing, Bird Flu-spreading wrath.

The Plan: I asked noted Pigeonologist James Fox what we could do about this situation and he said: “How do you fight that which flies?…. BURN THE AIR.” When I just stared at him blankly he continued, “It’s like killing fish by replacing the water with JELLO, I don’t know.” I immediately became suspicious about Bridget’s untimely death. Therefore:

3. James Fox

Pirate Fighter.. OR FISH KILLER??

From this second-rate artist’s rendition, we can see that the James Fox is merciless in his persecution of harmless sailors and, apparently, fish. I’m not trying to point fingers, except that now I am 85% convinced that he murdered the immortal fish god Bridget (15% of me still thinks she’s just on vacation in Atlantic City). WHEN WILL HE STRIKE AGAIN?
The Plan: Spread rumors about free hot dogs, the James Fox’s only known weakness. That, and being without his Magical Windbreaker of Strength.

4. The Fourth Floor Rat

Annoying Company Mascot... OR PLAGUE-CARRYING VERMIN???

We all know the horrors of the Fourth Floor Rat. It lives by the trash cans, is about as big as a squirrel, and leaps out at the unsuspecting. According to Brent, who is some kind of SE so must be good at counting, there’s at least two of them. Probably, they are only here to give us plague, but what if they join forces with the Third Floor Pigeon??? It may already be too late.
The Plan: Clearly we should use any remaining money that Jason hasn’t needlessly squandered on bling to flood Wiess with an army of cats to eat the rats. Then dogs to get rid of the cats, and then cheetahs. Then we should be good.

5. Zombies

Walking corpse with a taste for human flesh... OR WALKING CORPSE WITH A TASTE FOR HUMAN FLESH??

This has to be on any list of Things That Spell Our Doom. Because a) Dawn of the Dead traumatized me as a child and b) we live right next to the medical center in the fourth largest city in America, basically trapped next to a likely focal point of zombie outbreak. If you need me to tell you why this is a threat, you may already be one of them.
The Plan: Basically, we’re screwed. Unless you can convince Charles Lena that you are in some way useful (I can drive stick?).

Hopefully all five things on the list won’t happen at once. But, if they do, at least you’ll have been warned. You’ll thank me when the Zombacalypse comes.