Archive for March, 2009

Roadtrip: Staving Off Adulthood One Tourist Trap At A Time

March 31st, 2009 by pladd

Almost exactly one year ago, I was sitting in Scotland, wondering why it was so cold in March, when everyone knows it should be at least 80. I’m not really clear on what the temperature actually was since I never bothered with converting from Celsius since the equation would inevitably be: 9C/5 + 32= TOO COLD. Anyway, I was also wondering if I could actually spend not one but two more summers explaining to disgruntled people why the library doesn’t shelve books by color for minimum wage. So I started plans for the roadtrip to end all roadtrips, designed to cover everything anyone abroad had ever asked me about America. See, when I first got there, I had a lot of conversations like this:

Scottish person: You’re from America! That’s cool! Have you been to LA? Have you seen Zac Efron?
Me: No. And no.
Scottish person: New York?
Me: I mean… this one time in middle school… okay, not really.
Scottish person: The Grand Canyon?
Me: I mean… it’s just a big hole in the ground…
Scottish person: Wait, so… where in the States are you from?
Me: Florida. Texas. Kind of.
Scottish person: Miami?
Me: No… it’s like a ten hour drive from my house.
Scottish person: Right. Okay. (awkward silence)

So that’s why the tentative route looks something like this:
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Thomas: The Exit Interview

March 30th, 2009 by pladd

After spending a full three days at Rice–including being kidnapped by freshmen a few times–I decided to give my younger brother Thomas an exit interview to see if the Ladd Awesomeness will continue at Rice long after I am gone.

Me: What did you think of the Servery?
Thomas: Better than I expected. And surprisingly easy to sneak in to.

Me: Who would win in a fight: the third floor pigeon or the fourth floor rat?
Thomas: The fourth floor rat because the pigeon has eggs to protect. The rat has nothing to lose and can use that to his advantage.

Me: What would you say is the number one threat to student safety on Rice campus?
Thomas: You. You and your List of Things To Do This Semester. You and your aggression towards JerBear.
Me: Who’s JerBear?
Thomas: Jeremy [Caves].
Me: Why do you call him JerBear?
Thomas: He’s cuddly. And has a typewriter.

Me: Who would win in a fight: JerBear or Roque?
Thomas: Roque. Because solar panels beat typewriters. And bears.

Jeremy: Hey, I talked to my parents and they said it was totally cool for you to stay at our house on your road trip.
Me: Cool. Also, would it be okay if I called you ‘JerBear’ from now on?
Jeremy: No, that would not be okay.
Thomas: I’m doing it. It must be cool.
Jeremy: You’re leaving so I don’t care. (turns back to me) You can’t.
Me: Okay, we’ll talk about it later.
Jeremy:CAN’T. (walks away)
Me: Yeah, we’ll see.

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Things That Spell Our Doom–1

March 27th, 2009 by pladd

Since I have no class on Fridays, I usually spend the day drawing inane comics about myself fighting crime or honing my paranoia into a finely sharpened point of irrational fear and stockpiled canned goods. Hey, if you have a plan for even the most unlikely worst case scenario, you never have to waste an unnecessary two hours having the awkward “Okay, who do we eat first?” discussion. And because I care about you, all three of you reading this, I’ve decided to share my plans for defeating the Top Five Things That Spell Our Doom (today, anyway).

1. The West Side Story Mafia

“But, Patricia,” you will say. “Everyone knows that West Side Story was over last weekend and so you have no more reason to complain.” WRONG ON BOTH COUNTS, MY FRIEND. I can always find a reason to complain, and they only want you to think they have disbanded. These people practiced for at least four hours a night for three months. Now that the show is officially over, their lives are filled with empty holes and devoid of meaning. A mob without a purpose. Just waiting to wreak untold havoc and reveal its secret agenda. I have a hunch about that too. Because the Wiess commons currently looks like this:

Laziness... OR DIABOLICAL PLAN??

Laziness... OR DIABOLICAL PLAN??

What are they planning on doing with all those stage pieces? Clearly, they will soon institute Phase II of their plan to take over Wiess by using them to build a giant barricade around the Wiess Commons, forcing those of us who still resist them to give up our claims to Wiess or starve to death.

The Plan: Graduate! In a month, I won’t care who owns the commons! Until then, I think I can subsist on the box of Triscuits I just found in my room. DO YOUR WORST, CAITLIN MILLER!
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The Passing of an Era

March 25th, 2009 by pladd

Officially not Secretary anymore as of last night… but still typing up transcripts!

Laura: I impeach Patricia because (something unintelligible about the PDR)
Bo: That’s not good enough! How many times have we been the victim of Patricia’s bitter–you know, just raise your hand if you haven’t been made fun of. (three people raise their hands)
Me: That’s probably because I don’t know your names.
Mason: Ohhhh, and that’s everyone.

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Farewell to Bridget: the Once and Future Fish

March 24th, 2009 by pladd

You may not realize it, but despite the recent festivities (and all evidence to the contrary) the residents of THE 434 are WRACKED by grief at the death of our beloved friend, roommate, and noted alcoholic: Bridget, the long-lived Beta Fish. Previously thought to be immortal, her death at the age of three comes as a shock—although, as noted Betaologist Rachel Kinney astutely points out, “that’s like one million in fish years”. And so I’ve decided to compile a timeline of Bridget’s life to immortalize her greatness.
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Impetus

March 18th, 2009 by pladd

So one day a few weeks ago, I was trundling through the Wiess Commons trying to look like I had somewhere important to be, when Travis Martin of Wiess List Serv Fame stopped me and said, “Patricia, I’m really going to miss your minutes when you aren’t Secretary anymore.” Here’s the rest of that conversation, as remembered by me just now:

Me: Too bad! I’m outta this popsicle stand!
Travis: You know what you should do? You should start a blog!
Me: Travis, I have nothing to write about after I’m not forced to go to every Cabinet meeting.
Travis: You could just carry your lap top around with you and write what’s going on around you AT EVERY MOMENT!
Me: That’s stupid.
Travis: (begins to cry at the thought of forgoing his bi-weekly dose of Patricia)

And while I stood there, watching Travis Martin cry like a little girl, I thought: Suck it up, wuss.

Then later Steven Wiggins told me he owned patricialadd.com for some reason and I decided maybe I can make Travis Martin’s dreams come true after all. Hence the very words you are reading right now! Meta!

I’ve also solved the conundrum of what to write about:

1. Whatever I want.
2. The day after graduation Steven Wiggins and I are starting on a road trip that basically will take us in a giant circle around the US. Seriously, I want to see as many cheesy “World’s Largest [Insert Vegetable/Household Object]” as possible. We’ll probably get horribly lost and end up hating each other, but that will be some entertaining drama, right?
3. Whatever I want.

Kisses!
Patricia
No Longer Going to Cabinet So You Don’t Have To. Suck It Up, Wiess.

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