As many of you know, I am a strong advocate for the True History of William Marsh Rice campaign. I believe that the public deserves to finally learn the truth about this great American folk hero. To further this end, campaign founder James Fox has authorized me to create this information sheet.
Introduction
Popular opinion would have you believe that the most interesting thing about William Marsh Rice was his sensational murder. This is a lie. As the world’s most powerful cyborg, no mere butler could ever kill William Marsh Rice.
Unfortunately, attempts to get the truth out on William Marsh Rice’s wikipedia page have been met with accusations of “vandalism”, showing just how averse some people can be to the truth. However, an archived version with much useful background information can be found here. The same and some additional information gleaned from follow up research can be found below:
A Modern Folk Hero
From a young age, Rice exhibited qualities that were the stuff of American folk-legend. Reputedly born with a “hammer in one hand and beer in the other,”1 the infant William also crushed diamonds while teething, had a cry loud enough to shake mountains, and was beating up bears before he could even walk.2 This trend intensified as he grew older, and, by the time of his death, his exploits included discovering and conquering no fewer than six countries and three planets, beating Teddy Roosevelt, Superman, and God in a drinking contest, refloating Atlantis just so he could sink it again himself, and single-handedly destroying the moon, twice. Also a brilliant scientist and renowned inventor, Rice has been credited with inventing and popularizing such items as whiskey, pants, and the number 3, as well as the construction of the alcohol-fueled cybernetics that were used to replace what amounted to nearly half his original body over the course of his extra-terrestrial military campaigns.3
Death and Rebirth
Rice was the victim of one of the earliest sensational crimes of the 1900s. On September 23rd 1900, Rice was found dead by his valet, and was presumed to have died in his sleep. Needless to say authorities were baffled, as it was a well known fact Rice did not require sleep to live, having sworn it off by sheer force of will as part of an ongoing wager with fellow time-traveler Benjamin Franklin.4 Shortly thereafter, a bank teller noticed a suspiciously large check bearing the late Rice’s signature and made out to Rice’s lawyer, Albert T. Patrick, but with his name misspelled. Soon, Patrick made an announcement that Rice had changed his will right before his death, leaving the bulk of his fortune to Patrick rather than to his Institute. A subsequent investigation led by the District Attorney of New York resulted in the arrests of Patrick and of Rice’s butler/valet Charles Jones, who had been persuaded to administer chloroform to Rice while he slept. When this failed to kill him, Jones had apparently dragged him to a nearby quarry and first thrown him in, hoping the fall would kill him, and that failing, tried to crush him under several tons of rock by causing an avalanche. Meeting with similar results, Jones then resorted to attempted drowning, death by electrocution, and point-blank use of several types of heavy artillery. Finding his employer still quite alive despite all his efforts to the contrary, Jones finally succeeded by using “Superkill”, the hammer with which Rice had been born.5 However, botched evidence collection and lack of reliable witnesses made it impossible to charge either suspect.
It was at this point that William Marsh Rice returned from the grave to solve the mystery of his own murder. Annoyed by the total mishandling of the case by the law enforcement and determined not to allow his dreams of free higher education to fall by the wayside, Rice revealed that he had not, in fact, died, nor had he even been asleep at the time of his apparent demise. Rice testified that, though he was at first suspicious about Jones’ attempts on his life, he found the matter so comically doomed to failure that he “just went with it” to see what would happen6. In the face of such testimony, Jones copped a plea bargain. Patrick was convicted of attempted ultramurder in the nth degree, and sentenced to superdeath by extreme asphyxiation. Because of doubts raised about evidence admitted in the trial, Patrick’s sentence was commuted to just regular death in 1906 and he was released with a full pardon in 1912.
1900-Present
Rice, having already been declared legally dead, decided to simply allow his estate to be used to fund his university, realizing that there was very little likelihood that he would ever, in fact, die. Since 1912 he has single handedly won both WWI and WWII (with plans to sweep WWIII as well), been elected President of the United States for seven consecutive terms, thwarted at least two alien invasions, destroyed the moon three more times, cooked five minute eggs in negative four minutes, invented the internet, and saved Christmas. Rice is currently the holder of every World Record and is in the process of conquering the Sun, because it’s “too damn hot.”7. Other projects include longstanding rivalry with whisky-fueled half-robot Robert the Bruce for the title of World’s Most Powerful Cyborg and an ongoing fight with Mt. Everest, which Rice has vowed never to stop until HE is the world’s tallest mountain8.
Appearance and Cybernetic Capabilities
A large man even before the additions of his many cybernetic parts, WMR is said by some to be as much as nine feet tall. More conservative True History Campaigners estimate it to be somewhere around 7’3″. He is often described by bystanders as having a “mad” or “manic” grin, especially when contemplating violence, and his face is said to have at least one dueling scar, though accounts vary as to its location and size9. Turbines in his knees and jets in his feet give him flight capabilities, and his cybernetic arm contains a smart phone in the hand. By his own admission, WMR once gnawed off his own leg to escape from marauding space harem girls and grew back a canon in its place through sheer force of will. This canon attachment was later lost in an epic battle with King Tut’s mummy’s ghost in the early 1980s. Though WMR’s full range of capabilities remains largely untested, it is known that he can travel in space, through time, and, purportedly, to alternate dimensions10. Legends say that he is fueled entirely by the academic spirit and grain whiskey, but True History science advisers speculate that there may also be some kind of reactor core embedded deep within his cybernetics.
William Marsh Rice Quotes
Though notoriously difficult to interview due to the high toxicity of his belches, the truth shall not be held back, and occasionally has access to a gas mask.
“A real man can take a hammer to the knees without changing expression.”–WMR11
“When two William Marsh Rice’s meet, it either means we will team up to destroy some even greater evil, team up to perpetrate some even greater evil, or battle to the death on top of the tallest mountain.”–WMR12
“[William Marsh Rice] is, objectively speaking, the greatest human who has ever lived”–Teddy Roosevelt13
“William Marsh Rice’s rather flighty and capricious loyalty towards the university that bore his name could be the subject of an entire book. He often destroyed the buildings and grounds, uprooting trees and smashing windows with blue emergency light poles torn from the ground, just because he’d lost a bet or had slept through his important morning plans of stealing National Landmarks (e.g. Mount Rushmore) and leaving in them the last place you’d think to look (e.g. David Leebron’s closet). Sure, he often used the students as projectiles, upholstery, or currency, and he complained constantly about almost every aspect of it from the Mediterranean Revival architecture to the way the Servery tried to recycle breakfast at dinner towards the end of the year. But, on the rare occasions when he felt like defending his namesake—probably solely because it was his namesake—like when Thaddeus P. Oxford, The World’s Most Well-Bred Cyborg kept staring through his steam powered monocle and declaring “I say!” in a challenging fashion and tutting about how his university certainly did not go in for a bicycle race involving spirits or when Princeton was totally trying to start something—he would do it with such fire and passion you would think he spent every waking moment caring for and defending a university that he saw as his only child and greatest contribution to the world.”–Rice and Rice University: An Informative Brochure provided by the True History of William Marsh Rice Campaign
William Marsh Rice Facts and Legends
–WMR’s favorite Rice University professor is William P. Hobby Professor of History John B. Boles14.
–Some say he stopped the Spanish Civil War simply by glaring at the two opposing sides for a few minutes.
–Nicknames for William Marsh Rice include “WMR” and “the R-man”15.
–WMR enjoys bragging about having “a university named after me, and a popular grain”. When a brave soul pointed out that rice had, in fact, been around for centuries before he was born, he screamed “TIME TRAVEL, BITCH” and threw a chunk of Rayzor Hall at the interviewer.
–Though WMR can hardly be said to have “friends” in the normal sense of the word, he is often seen in the company of a time-traveling Benjamin Franklin, who has been known to challenge him to excessive bets. Past drinking companions have also included: Thor, the entire Justice League, Captain Nemo, King Henry VIII, and Teddy Roosevelt.
–By his own admission, the only emotion WMR can feel is vengeance.
Other Media
William Marsh Rice during his 5th term as president
Artist's Conception (on the moon)
An excerpt from a graphic novelization of WMR's last battle with Robert the Bruce
This graphic novel is both written and illustrated by True History Campaign founder, James Fox.
A battle scene from a rough draft of the graphic novel
For more information, please contact the True History of William Marsh Rice campaign’s secretary, Patricia Ladd.