Christmas!!!! I’m speaking to you from two weeks ago woooooo spoooooky
As always, I determined this list by looking at what books I’d rated 1 star on Goodreads. There are fewer of them than there have been in years past, especially considering I read about twice as many books this year. I guess I’m doing a better job of picking them! Well, except for these:
Beowulf on the Beach by Jack Murnighan
I hated this book. I hated this book so much I actually bothered to write why in a Goodreads review, something I almost never do, so that I could remember why I hated it for all time.
I don’t know why goodreads recommended this to me–I feel dirty. “If you sit down to pee you’ll like Pride and Prejudice”?? I couldn’t get past the juvenile writing style, casual gender stereotypes, and obsession with sex. The author’s choice for the “50 Greatest” books of all time often seems random, and, of course, dominated by white dudes. Plus, the author seems to have only a very basic understanding of the books he’s chosen to include, to the point where I’m not even sure if he finished reading some of them, let alone really getting what they’re about or placing them within a historical context.
It was like a perfect storm of things that piss me off: 1) Gender stereotypes, 2) Narrow-minded Only Dead White Dudes view of literature, 3) Enforcing the stereotype that “the classics” are boring, 4) Pompously explaining something you obviously know fuck-all about–especially if it’s a subject I know a lot about. Even thinking about this book again to write this made me angry. At least it inspired this blog post.
Five People Who Died During Sex by Karl Shaw
I thought this book would be like the literary equivalent of a Cracked article, but was disappointed to find that it doesn’t live up to Cracked’s research standards (which… is not really a phrase I’m typing seriously, but at the same time is 100% true here). I’m not a history expert, but even I caught multiple errors and historical urban legends being passed off as fact.
Tender the Storm by Elizabeth Thornton
I mean, I had to rate this 1 star, but it was actually kind of hilarious. Dude helps hot young aristocrat out of revolutionary France, but can’t see past her disguise as a 12-year-old, even when she reveals her true age is “Totally Doable.” Then he gets to England and decides he has no choice but to marry her… for her own protection. Pages and pages of angst about I WANT HER BUT SHE’S TOO DELICATE AND INNOCENT ensue.
On the Prowl by Christine Warren
Oh my god, how can you write a romance novel about were-tigers and then only have them change into tigers one time???? Also a group of were-tigers is called a streak lol
The Diary by Eileen Goudge
Two sisters find their dead mom’s diary which tells the story of her first love. But it’s not their dad??? J/k it is, dramatic reveal at the end, he used to go by a nickname. Thanks for that Shyamalan twist, Eileen Goudge.
Mr. Darcy, Vampyre by Amanda Grange
Amanda, listen up. If you write a book called “Mr. Darcy, Vampyre”, I had BETTER get to read about him tearing someone’s throat out in the first 100 pages. Instead, Elizabeth spends the entire book not knowing he’s a vampire, and it turns out he’s some kind of boring good vampire anyway, and then some handy villagers tell them how to cure vampirism because everything has to be boring forever, I guess
Midwinterblood by Marcus Sedgwick
I’m almost positive this book was pitched as “Like… Lost but with reincarnation and everything’s really mysterious and WOOOOOOOOO *mysterious hand gestures instead of plot*” There, I saved you the trouble of reading it.
VIII by H.M. Castor
Hey, you bill something as “sexy, young Henry VIII” and I will read it. You turn it into a bland summary of Henry VIII’s whole life as you might find in any biographical dictionary, and I will rate it 1 star on goodreads and then go back to watching The Tudors.
American Nerd by Benjamin Nugent
This isn’t a history of nerd culture, it’s kind of a weird rant about one guy’s childhood and how he’s still bitter.
Final Descent by Rick Yancey
Basically, this book betrayed me. I gave my copy away to the library because I couldn’t take how much of an inexplicable departure it was from everything that made this series great. Let us never speak of this again.