The Plaid Pladd

This is the last book in The Immortals series, and the one I most remember. Daine finally makes a (pervy) love connection with Numair, discovers her father is Weiryn, God of the Hunt, and defeats Stormwing!Ozorne. Most of the action takes place in the Realms of the Gods, where Daine and Numair end up accidentally on purpose when Daine’s Mom and Dad try to rescue her from certain death. Turns out, the Realms of the Gods is pretty much just the wilderness, except all the animals are gods and more things want to kill you.

It’s interesting to finally meet Daine’s parents, and sad that I hate both of them. Her mom is really whiny, and doesn’t seem to get that girl’s got shit to do. Plus, never mentioning that the dad you refused to tell Daine anything about for some reason is a God so, hey, you might want to watch out for god-like powers? Clearly she knew it would make a much better dramatic reveal for the last book. Her dad seems to think that being a dad means 1) sending a badger to “look out for her” and 2) giving her a new bow and arrow set. New weapons are always appreciated by the fiesty ladies of Tortall, but maybe if Daine had a father figure instead of a pet badger, she would not be all about hooking up with guys 15 years older than she is.

Tamora Pierce wants us to think that Numair falls in love with Daine at the beginning of this book, ignoring all the weird jealousy and touching in Emperor Mage. In the prologue of this book, when the wall between the mortal and immortal realms finally falls for good, the narration is from Numair’s point of view as he mind melds with other magic users because of the magicsplosion, and mentions Daine’s “soft lips” too many times to not be full of sketch. Here’s an excerpt:

He could feel her blink, as if those long, dark lashes of hers touched his cheek. Suddenly he learned something that he’d never considered before. For a brief moment, that fresh knowledge erased even his sense of magical cataclysm. (3-4)

That’s right, Numair. You know she’s your OTL when thinking about her erases your sense of magical cataclysm. I have no idea why Middle School Patricia found this romantic.

The Checklist

Animal Companion(s): Badger God; Broad Foot (God of Platypi, or “Duck-Mole”); Gold-Streak, Leaf, and Jelly (Darkings, or those magical black things on the cover)
Magical Bling: Badger Claw (cellphone to the gods), Numair’s “DAINE OTL” locket (easier to use than putting a locator chip in her head)
Love Connections: Numair, the tall and sketchy

The Play By Play

Prologue
The barrier between the Realm of the Gods and the mortal realm is gone!! I thought this happened like three books ago, but apparently those were just small magical openings that weakened the magical wall. Now all the scary monsters imprisoned behind it are free to pour back into the mortal realms and attack everyone.

Chapter one: Skinners
Stormwing!Ozorne watches Daine through magic and vows his revenge super villain style. There’s a war in Tortall against all the Immortals + some pirates + some dudes from the Copper Isles. Daine and Numair are traveling around using their magic to help. They fight some monsters they’ve never seen before called “Skinners”. They skin things, as you might expect. Numair and Daine are surrounded and can’t hurt the Skinners! Luckily Daine’s Mom and Dad dramatically pull her into the Realms of the Gods.

Chapter two: Meetings with Gods
Traveling there has made Daine and Numair sick. The Great Gods are all busy fighting someone named Uusoae, queen of Chaos. Daine’s mom gets mad at Daine for not acting like a woman should. I wish Alanna were here, but that’s not new. The Platypus god def has an Australian accent. Daine discovers a Darking, a weird black, liquidy creature, that she doesn’t find suspicious at all.

Chapter three: Dreams
Apparently Uusoae is trapped in a Chaos Realm, and the gods are always fighting her. Daine and Numair decide the only way to get back home to continue helping with the war is to hike across the Realm and ask the dragons to take them. There are a lot of convoluted reasons for this, and other reasons why no one but the animal gods are allowed to go with them, but it mostly boils down to “now we have a chance to be alone *purrrrrr*” While swimming, Daine sees Stormwing!Ozorne’s face in the water, and then she’s attacked by a minotaur. Lord Rikash comes and tells her that Stormwing!Ozorne is now basically king of stormwings, but he and a few rebels are hanging out around here.

Chapter four: Travelers
After a day of walking, they camp by Temptation Lake. If you drink the water, you’ll be tempted. Daine saves Numair from some kind of evil naked mermaid demon at the bottom. Platypus God and Daine discover that a Pool of Chaos is leaking into the Lake. That means Uusoae is getting stronger, I guess. Now there are two Totally Not Suspicious Darkings!

Chapter five: The Bridge
While crossing a rickety bridge, Daine once again sees Stormwing!Ozorne and gets attacked by monsters. Also, now there are three Darkings! She figures out (finally) that they are Stormwing!Ozorne’s spies, but now they have defected to her because she is amazing. She realizes this is how Stormwing!Ozorne has been spying on everyone during the war and sends Badger God to go warn them.

Chapter six: Chess Game
Daine keeps having weird dreams about Uusoae, warning Daine that she must have some kind of mortal or immortal ally on the other side of Chaos to make her so strong. It could be any of the monsters we’ve met so far. I have no idea why Daine doesn’t know the answer to this immediately. Platypus God goes to stop “Malady” which apparently is like some kind of plague-sprite flitting around Tortall. Numair looks at Daine’s soft lips and cackles “ALONE AT LAST!” Okay, maybe not that last part, but Daine does end up falling off a cliff.

Chapter seven: Falling
Daine falls into a river and is swept away before stupidly wandering into a spider-monster web. They laugh at her for awhile, and then Numair appears and bludgeons them to death. Then he cries because, for some reason, he thinks Daine is dead. She’s like “Ummm, nope, standing right here” and then they make out. Numair reveals that he was able to find her so quickly because he has a magical secret Daine locket, with her picture and A CHUNK OF HER HAIR. Daine, girl, this is the part where you shout “HOW DID YOU GET MY HAIR?” and then run away, not swoon more. They agree to not talk about their relationship until things calm down. But still make out all the time gag

Chapter eight: Dragonlands
They make it to Dragonlands! Yay! Some dragons, like Kitten’s grandfather, want to help them, others want to eat them for daring to ask a favor. The Dragons have a boring council to decide, then Grandpa Dragon just does what he wants anyway.

Chapter nine: The Battle of Legann
Giant final battle time! King J uses the Dominion Jewel, Daine acts as a spy with her animal powers, and Numair goes off to fight some uber-mage with a ruby instead of a left eye. Rikash and his Stormwing pals fight on their side, but Rikash is TRAGICALLY KILLED! Daine learns a lesson about judging people by their hideous appearance after it’s too late. Daine runs after Stormwing!Ozorne as he is fleeing because she remembers how much not doing it didn’t work in the last book.

Chapter ten: Judgments
Daine and Stormwing!Ozorne fight and she ends up stabbing him to death with the silver badger claw. Father Universe and Mother Flame, apparently the ur-gods, appear to punish Uusoae for trying to break out of her prison even though she’s, you know, Chaos. The gods think Daine is too troublesome so they make her choose between the Divine Realms and the mortal realm. She chooses mortal realm for Numair! The gods decide some of the immortals should stay in the mortal realms to keep humans in their place.

Epilogue
Rejoicing! Daine goes to find Numair, who won his magic battle. He asks her to marry him, and she says “Some day if you’re very, very good”. He responds “What if I’m very, very bad?” And I throw up in my mouth a little.

Have fun being a child bride, Daine! I am psyched to start the Protector of the Small series about Kel next. Alanna is her hero, so hopefully she will be cooler than you.

The Immortals
Book 1: Wild Magic
Book 2: Wolf-Speaker
Book 3: Emperor Mage