The Plaid Pladd

I’m not sure if I was the only one obsessed with the Lost Colony of Roanoke as a kid. I found the entire thing extremely eerie, especially since I would stop listening or reading when they got to the theories about Native American attack or Spanish attack or relocation to some other part of the East coast. As a child, I firmly believed that an entire colony of people had just mysteriously vanished without a trace, possibly into some other dimension, like they had slipped too close to the edge space between Life and Death and fallen through. Or something. Whatever, I was a weird kid. Later I decided Lawrence Stager’s theory about cannibals was maybe the most ridic and therefore the most credible.

Anyway, my childhood ambition is ABOUT TO BE FULFILLED! No, not the one where I become a mailman. I am going to solve the mystery of the Lost Colony of Roanoke! As we speak, I am on the Outer Banks, tirelessly searching for clues. I realize that generations of fellow archeologists and crack pots have come before me, but I have one thing they don’t have: a belief in time travel. Armed with that, it should be way easy. Even easier than the time I solved the murder of Merriweather Lewis (the butler did it). So far, here is my list of time traveling suspects on this case:

1. William Marsh Rice

I suspect William Marsh Rice, founder of Rice University, whenever there are time traveling shenanigans. After all, it has been definitively proven that he is the World’s Most Powerful Cyborg (this completely researched historical fact brought to you by the True History of William Marsh Rice Campaign and the Woodson Research Center). What would Rice want with the Lost Colony of Roanoke when he usually spent his time traveling finding new and interesting places to drink with Ben Franklin? I’ll keep you posted on further developments but it was probably to cook him Thanksgiving dinner twice a day (Rice loves Thanksgiving, but can’t stand pilgrims).

2. Japanese Spider Crabs

Everyone laughs at me when I say I’m afraid of these things, but WHEN WE WILL LEARN? Roanoke probably laughed at them too. “lol Japanese Spider Crabs,” they probably said, “You can grow to be six feet long but you can only survive in the high pressure depths of the sea. Forsooth, we have nothing to fear from the likes of you! rofl” But Japanese Spider Crabs don’t get angry, they get pinchy. It’s a well-known fact that they use every part of the corpse…
I can only hope that I am wrong and they are not the true culprits because it would mean I am putting myself in GRAVE DANGER for your amusement. I will keep a close watch and try to fight them off with lemon butter sauce if necessary.

3. Brian Reinhart

Watch your back, Brian. I’m on to you.

4. Zombies

I know you think I always blame zombies because I’m a spaz, but it does have historical precedent amongst my fellow crackpots. Lawrence Stager DOES think it was cannibals and Max Brooks, noted zombie expert, listed it in the history of zombie attacks section in The Zombie Survival Guide. Hey, if I can list a page reference for it (197), it must be true. Thanks, English major.

I will keep you posted.