Now that The Road Trip has officially been over for about a week I decided it would be a good time to reflect on it as a whole, since enough time has passed that Steven is no longer complaining about lack of Sonic and Trixie has had a bath. Also, I just remembered I’m bound by capital letters to update every Tuesday and Friday.
The Road Trip
8000 Miles
21 Days
14 States
5 Romance Novels
and Way Too Much fast food
Steven "the Driver" Wiggins
Were you surprised when it quickly became apparent that you would be the main driver?
Not particularly. Patricia’s vulnerability in the evening hours to sudden and crushing tiredness was well known to me.
What was your favorite state we visited?
California. It has the most interesting variations of places. Both the worst and some of the best.
What was the worst?
Part of California? The desert leading into it. The best would probably be Monterrey Bay.
What was the best part of the trip overall?
Seattle. It was probably the most interesting city with the weirdest combination of attractions.
Would you live there?
No. Too far North.
What was the worst part of the trip overall?
Definitely our exit from your grandparents’ place. The unceremonious wake up at FIVE THIRTY IN THE MORNING. Followed by a splitting headache and a dreary drive through the wastes of Eastern North Dakota. The Space Alien restaurant was pretty cool though.
What have we learned about each other on this trip?
I’ve learned that Patricia Ladd knows nothing about long drives or camping. Well, maybe not camping, more inland latitudes and the climates thereof. I.e. It gets really fucking cold in the middle of the night on top of a mountain, jeez. And Steven Wiggins, while comfortable, is not a very good space heater.
If you had to steal one of the things we saw in a dramatic caper possibly including musical numbers, what would it be?
The giant slide in North Dakota. Because unlike other things we saw (the Space Needle, the Rocky Mountains) this was clearly much more beloved by all and would look much better in my backyard.
Patricia "the Navigator" Ladd
What was your favorite state we visited?
Washington. It was so cool and green and NOT THE DESERT! Unfortunately there were also too many hills.
What was the single most surprising thing on the trip?
When I lost my keys at White Sands National Monument. I guess Josh Langsfeld (damn him) had built it up in my mind to be JUST LIKE THE MOON. I even still have the postcard he sent me of it where he says this. Instead, it was blistering, the sledding was subpar, and it stole my freaking keys. NOT COOL.
Was there anything you were dreading about this trip that didn’t come true?
You mean besides the 218 times I was scared we would run out of gas? I kind of expected us to totally hate each other before it was even halfway through. But, despite a lot of traffic-induced bickering, I’d say we’re better than ever.
If you could go back and do something over again, what would it be?
You mean because it was so fun? Probably the carousel in Como Park, St. Paul (or Minneapolis?). That may have been my favorite part!
Which state had the most realistic advertising?
Clearly North Dakota. As I’ve said, their billboards featuring a totally empty stretch of interstate are TRUE TO LIFE. Also, their past ad campaign of “North Dakota: Custer was in perfect health until he left” is historically accurate.
If you could be any badlands animal, which would you choose?
Prairie Shark. Duh.
Trixie "the flirt" Volkswagen
What state did you enjoy driving through most?
Beep beep!
[Translation: Clearly Tennessee! That’s why I hit a rock; I just wanted to stay a little longer. I mean, how incompetent do you think I am? I loved the unpaved roads and lack of cops. I could drive however I wanted!]
What was you greatest hardship?
Beep!
[Translation: Besides carting you all and your only-used-once camping equipment 8000 miles around the Interstate? Probably all the bugs. It is next to impossible to beat a corvette in a wet windshield contest when I’m covered in splattered insects.]
What was your favorite place to stop for gas?
Beep
[Translation: Def Oregon! Any gas station with an attendant that pumps your gas and wipes your windshield for you is the height of class!]
In all, I would say it was a successful trip. Even if we did give up.
The burning question here is if this road trip were a feature film, would it be a Summer blockbuster, or a direct-to-video?
Which of course prompts an even burninger question: Does it rate a sequel? A prequel? A breakfast cereal? A spin-off Saturday morning cartoon series featuring the voice talents of Gilbert Gottfried and some guy who sounds like Robin Williams?